Sabotage.

I sabotage myself.

I’ve had many years to think about why I do this to myself. Normally, I would say I don’t – I mean, why would someone purposely sabotage themselves? What would be the point? But as I’ve gotten older, && have had more time to think about it I have realized that I do. && the reason behind it is ridiculous.

I think I’m too old to be thin.

I told you it was stupid. A part of my brain believes that I am too old to lose weight because everyone says that when people get older their supposed to gain weight. So I have had years of believing that thin only applies to young people. That part of me feels that I have missed out on the thin part of life && since I’ve been overweight for so long that what’s the point?

But I am trying to have a different mindset. I’m trying to make that part of my brain realize that it’s not about being thin, or hot, or sexy. It’s about being alive. I know that if I keep going the direction I’m going, even with all of the good news this last doctor round, that I’m not going to live to see the end of my 40’s. && to be honest, I don’t want to die in my 40’s or 50’s. I want to be able to grow old && be the cranky lady with blue hair. I want to personally pay off my house. I want to know that my brother won’t have to bury me way too soon && live the rest of his life without any family around him. (We basically only have each other. && before my cousins/aunts/uncles get angry, I know we have y’all. I meant – like… here-here. I know if I need you all I have to do is call you. Same way with me with ya’ll.)

But I keep watching people older than me get the stomach surgery because they want to live the rest of their life healthier and happier. That’s what I want. I just want to know that I don’t need to be scared everyday and hate myself for eating something. Plus, I would really LOVE to get off of most of this medication. Will losing weight get me off all of it? Probably not – but most of it. I don’t think I would have high blood pressure or diabetes anymore. Because they are here because of my weight && my body getting tired. So I just need to give my body a boost and losing weight is the way to do that.

So I need to get my brain to stop thinking otherwise.