When I was fifteen, I lost my mother.
When I was twenty-four, I lost my father.
I’m now thirty-four && I still have a void inside of I can’t fill. I still ache to the core && it’s really bad around the holidays. I try not to dwell too myself on how I feel && keep it more bottled up than anything.
However, today I’m sad.
I’m sad because lately I have been extra grumpy while trying to get everyone around me in the holiday spirit.
I’m sad, because I can’t let myself be fully happy because then I feel guilty.
I’m said, because I feel…
I have a million things going on inside of me all the time, I can’t seem to collect myself enough to move on. I was told that time heals all wounds, which is true, I guess, but what happens when the wound is on the soul? The heart? When I found out about my heart issue my first thought was “well, I’ve been through so much pain, it’s probably sad.” Who thinks like that?
I bottled up my emotions for so long, pretending to be happier than I am, sometimes I think I forgot how to just be sad. Because when I start going I get irritated because I shouldn’t still be sad? It’s been nearly 20 years. Shouldn’t I be used to this? Shouldn’t I be okay with seeing people with their parents? Shouldn’t I be okay?
Shouldn’t I be okay?
♥The Barbosphere♥ 