Turn the tv on, throw my hands in my pants :

Today the daily prompt is about a song that you love or connect with and put one line of the song as your title.

Who doesn’t love this song? It’s like my small anthem of being lazy and it being okay. Plus, when I listen to it I think about my four year old nephew singing in the backseat when we are going somewhere and it’s blaring out of the speakers. Or when I still lived with my brother and he came into my bedroom requesting I play it for him, so he sits in my lap and watches the video as he sways back and forth.

Gabriel’s Inferno/Rapture!!

I have trouble finding things to write about. Not because I am completely boring and I do absolutely nothing. Oh wait. Never mind. My biggest problem is that I spend most of my free time writing. When I’m not writing I’m nose deep in a book. So since I decided that I do not want to post anymore of my writing, mostly because there is no point and I will just keep in my back pocket safe, that I will write book ‘reviews’. Since no one really reads my blog anyway, I might as well just get the thoughts that clutter my mind out and maybe I can write a little better. (Yes! My writing sucks.) Is using “!” a bad idea? So I figure if I cannot think of something to talk about then I’ll just write a book review.

My first pick will be Gabriel’s Inferno and Gabriel’s Rapture by Sylvain Reynard. Yes, I’m cheating by starting out by two. You’ll notice if there is more than one connected to each other, I’m just going to put them in one post. *waves hands around in air* Otherwise, it’s too much clutter. I’m trying to kill the clutter.

First I must say that I am obsessed with these books and partially with the author.
Obsessed [uh b-sest] : adjective;
1. Having an obsession (usually followed by with or by).
2. Having or displaying signs of an obsession.

Obsess [uh n-ses] : verb;
to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of; beset, trouble, or haunt persistently or abnormally.

I want to point out, really quick, that I am not the weird obsessed person. I’m not the type of person who becomes obsessed with something and then when the object of my obsession walks out of their house I’m sitting in the tree in their front yard. Or in the bush by their bedroom window. Or even in the mail box. That’s not me. I just tend to talk about that particular subject a lot. For an example, I’ve been obsessed with Johnny Depp for many, many years. I don’t stalk him. *thumbs up* So no worries!

I have never in my life read a book with such intensity as I did with these two books. I was completely and utterly captivated by these books. *shakes head* ‘Captivated’ isn’t a strong enough word. Taking ideas for a stronger word.

I must admit that I am a late bloomer when it comes to books. I don’t know of authors and books before everyone else. I cannot tell anybody that “I read that before you did.” Because that’s a lie. And lying is bad. I had no idea who or what all of this was four weeks ago. No idea. I found Gabriel’s Inferno by accident. I was looking for a new book and found a big shelf of 50 Shades of Grey, on the very bottom by the floor sat one copy of Gabriel’s Inferno. I hadn’t heard of it so I glanced through it and the back cover. It seemed interesting. I purchased it along with Bared to You by Sylvia Day. It took me a week to read this book.

When I first began the book I honestly didn’t think I’d even finish it. It was written a lot more intelligently than I think. *sighs* I got to a point that I had to look up a word. Then look up the words it gave to mean the same thing. Until I finally found a dictionary that was made for “dummies” and it dumbed it down enough and I was like “oh, well why didn’t he just say that?” I like to flaunt my intelligence (which really isn’t all that much). That book, even from the first page, made me feel like the stupidest person on the planet. So in the first chapter I didn’t think I’d ever finish it. But all of this isn’t bad. It’s a very good thing.

The start of the second chapter I was hooked. I couldn’t put it down. I found myself staying up on the nights I worked to read. Doesn’t seem that big of a deal? I only get six hours of sleep before each of my twelve hour shifts. So losing two hours because I cannot stop reading… hurts.

By the fifth chapter – I was obsessed.

Everything I read about these two books kept saying that it was just like 50 Shades of Grey. I just want to point out that everything I read lied. And lying is bad! This book was NOTHING like 50 Shades of Grey. Nothing.

50 Shades of Grey was a good set of books, don’t get me wrong. But they are nothing compared to Gabriel’s Inferno/Rapture. Am I being harsh? I apologize. Mostly.

The intelligence spewing out of Gabriel’s Inferno/Rapture was intriguing and a complete breath of fresh air. I’ve read a lot, and none of which just made me stop and think “wow!”

I have read and reread these books. The “sex” that everyone talks about isn’t “sex”. It leaves to your imagination and makes you think instead of knowing. Too much detail ruins the story line of the book, the way Sylvain Reynard wrote left it there. Intact. Perfectly. Jaw dropping.

I found myself following Sylvain Reynard on Twitter. I never follow people – well, besides Gabriel Iglesias, but who doesn’t follow him? Oh and of course Chelsea Handler – getting off topic. I found myself following Sylvain Reynard. Getting on Twitter a lot more than I normally do. *covers face with hands* I told you! I’m obsessed. My personality isn’t the type to get hooked very easily. Mostly because usually what I get used to having leaves and that is getting old. But I find myself logging into Twitter just to see if he’s tweeted. *pouts* I’m hopeless.

I’ll be even more hopeless if it turns out not to be a guy. Or an old guy. Or gay.

Why am I obsessed with the author? I live in a small southern Oklahoma town. I am by far one of the most intelligent ones that live here. And I’m stupid! Intelligence is something that you don’t turn away quickly. Especially when one finds it to be the most attractive thing about people. In general. Male or female. Intelligence is just a jaw dropping experience. When you live in the South, you don’t find that often. Knowing there are still people out there who can talk in complete sentences & be able to spell “you”, gives me hope.

But then again. He’s Canadian. *purses lips* So that makes a bit of a difference. You know the old saying “Americans butchered the English language.” Well, the South butchered the butchered English language.

Yeah. I’m roaming around in all directions of the topic. *smiles* I do that!

So basically if I was to give these books a rating between 1 and 5. It would be 102. I plan on reading these books until the binding doesn’t hold. Until the pages start falling out and landing on my bedroom floor. Until the words are smeared off from my fingertips running across the words. But then – I’ll just rebuy them.

Sylvain Reynard is a mystery. And from what I can gather from it – that’s how he wants it. Bravo to him! The only thing that is killing me to know is his age & if he is for real, 100 percent male. Because if it gets out that he is a female. I’m going to be extremely agitated. I won’t think any worse of the books, though. But knowing that a girl writes like a guy – I’ll be sad.

Yes. I just seriously said that the books are written like a guy. I have read a lot of books written by women. These books were written by a man. And I will eat my shoe if I’m wrong. *holds shoe up* See! Not very tasty looking. But if it comes down to that, I’d like some hot sauce.

Dear 45 Year Old Self,

This is old, but I needed something to write about so I scanned through the old Daily Prompts & this sounded fun.

You’re what… 45 now?

I bet you were scared through your lifetime of getting older. 44 isn’t so bad, is it? You’re probably thinking totally different. Right now, though, I’m scared to death to get older. Not because I’m older. But because I’m closer to death. Is that what you’re thinking?

I wonder if you’re still in Oklahoma. Are you still living across the street from Tim? Or did you finally grow some ‘balls’ & move away? I kind of hope we did.

Are we still lonely? Married? Did we have kids? Right now I don’t want any. Any of it. I’m too picky & it’s not worth settling with someone I don’t want & cannot love. Know what I mean? Did we ever figure out what ‘love’ was & do we feel it?

So have we become the scary cat woman that neighbor kids are afraid of? I’m already almost there. Neighbor kids won’t come out if I’m around. *giggles*

Did any of our dreams come true? Are we a novelist? Did we finally finish the trilogy that we planned to a tee? I hope so. I really do. That’s what would make me happy. Do you even still write? I would hate to know that one day I just stop.

I don’t know what it’s like when I’m 45; I’m sorry, what it will be like. I just hope I’m happy. Accomplished. Thin? I hope Tim & I are just as close – no matter where I am located.

I hope we don’t still work at the Casino. I’m hoping that we’re far away from there living dreams we didn’t think was possible.

But in all, I hope for happiness & that all my ‘what if’s’ are gone & I am finally making decisions that will be great for myself.

Love always,
25 Year Old Barbara

Dear 14 Year Old Barbara,

This is old, but I needed something to write about so I scanned through the old Daily Prompts & this sounded fun.

Dear 14 year old Barbara,

Life as you know it is about to get really hard. You’re fixing to make decisions you will regret for the rest of your life. You’re going to be sad, lonely, & not want to be around anyone. You’re fixing to feel feelings you didn’t think was possible at such a young age. Just remember one thing as you’re going through it, you will always have Tim. He may be a complete jerk sometimes, but he is the only brother who loves you more than you’d ever think.

Tomorrow tell your mother you love her. You love her more than you can express in words. Spend all the time in the world with her. Hug her. Kiss her. Fill her water cup anywhere she shakes it. If she asks you to do the weirdest stuff, do it. No questions asked.

On April 10, 2003 : don’t go through her bad. Leave it alone. Just let whatever may be in it – leave it alone.

Get to know dad. He’s such a great guy. He loves you more than you’d think. I promise. Just feel lucky that you have both parents right now. Dad really does love mom, don’t ever think otherwise. Even when she has the weirdest dreams ever.

You’ll never figure out life. Or at least you haven’t yet. But you will figure out what you want to do in it. You’ll realize that what everybody says you want, is not what you want. Go with your heart on EVERYTHING you do. Don’t live life doing “what if’s” just because you’re afraid. Just remember one thing, you are a great person. Don’t let anybody ever tell you different. They will try to bring you down & eat dirt, but remember, you’re better than that. You have great friends that you’ll keep forever. Don’t ever think different.

Love always,
Your 25 year old self.

Something that ‘icks’ me out.

The daily prompt today: think of something that totally grosses you out & then point out some good things about it.

After I read this & got done laughing I knew exactly what I would write about. Knew exactly one thing that, no matter who talks about it or does it, it grosses me out. After thinking about what grosses me out I wondered to myself, can I even make good points about it? Probably not. For me. But for anybody else, you can probably think of three or four things that you LOVE about what grosses me out.

What is it? The Sound of Sex.

You just chuckled right? Followed by a “how is that possible?”

Let me explain it’s not about ‘sex’. It’s the sounds that come from it. & no, I’m not talking about moaning or screaming, if you are into that. I’m talking about the sound itself. Can’t imagine it? (Grab your cheeks. Pull them out & in really fast.) THAT NOISE! *shivers* Just the thought makes me cringe.

Is there anything good about it? (Yes, that’s me asking you.) Because I personally, cannot find one. The sound is gross. It makes any thought, for me, of having sex way out in left field. No. Farther.

What have you done?

On WordPress they give you ‘daily prompts’, I’m sure everyone has seen it. I wanted to write but I was unsure of what to write about. I could have sat here & wrote about my day so far, but since it’s only ten-thirty in the morning, that would more than likely be extremely short. Plus, you can read that on my Facebook page anyway. So there is no point in me attempting to write a nine thousand word blog about what I have done today. Not that I would actually write a nine thousand word blog.

So, instead of pulling up “add new post” & stare blankly at the big white square hoping that words would just jump on my screen. I decided to go ahead and click the link “daily prompt” & see what they had to write about. I read it.

“Tell us about something you’ve done that you would advise a friend never to do.”

Ever had that feeling where you swear your mind just farted? Yeah. That one. Yeah, I got it. I sat there trying to think of something that I have done that I could tell friends to never do. But I came up short. That’s when I realized that I haven’t done anything. At all.

In five days I’ll be 25 years old and I have done nothing. I can’t talk about a year and a half long alcohol problem. Or that I had issues with E & lost everything because of it. I can’t say that I went through this weird stage of stealing because it made me feel good. Nothing.

What have I done? I dropped out of high school at the age of sixteen. Why? Because every time I walked into the high school I felt like I was drowning. That the walls were caving in on me & everyone, including my teachers, were laughing at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I never went back.

Friends. Do not do that. Finish. That was by far the first and worse mistake of my life. I wish, to this day, that I had my high school diploma. I had to settle with a G.E.D that I recently just got.

I worked at Wal-Mart once. Got extremely mad at the manager & literally threw my badge them. They fired me.

Friends. Do not throw your badge at your supervisor. They will fire you.

When I was fifteen, after my mother passed away, decided that a park ranger was being extremely horrible to my brother. He told him he was drunk & pestering little kids. So I took it upon myself to throw a chair at him. I hit his car.

Friends. Do not throw chairs at park rangers/cops. They’ll point their finger at you & threaten to call your parents. Of course remember, though, I was only fifteen. I’m sure if you’re over 21 there would be more consequences. But of course, what do I know?

Sadly, that is all there is. I have done nothing else. I’m pretty much that boring. All I can say, I may be boring but at least I’ve never been to jail, stole anything, or done some hard-core drugs that messed me up. I’m already messed up.

I actually stopped…

This will be short & quick. It’s not long. But I wanted to share because the girl at the grocery store thought it was hilarious.

Last night, after I finally rolled out of bed, I went up to the grocery store to get something for dinner. As I was walking in a car alarm was set off. I stopped. Glanced behind me. Looked at my car. It wasn’t mine. So I went on in. Three steps inside the store I realized something.

I don’t have a car alarm on my car.

What made me stop & check my car for the car alarm I’ll never know. It’s not like I’ve ever had one.

That was my “here’s your sign”…

Future.

By twenty-five most people have already figured everything out. Or so they thought. The ones who finish high school at 18 & decided against going to college. They got married, and now have children. Now finding part-time jobs around the age of 25 because their kids are in school & they are bored.

Then there are the ones who finish high school at 18 & went straight to college. Finishing up their degree & probably near getting their masters degree. They more than likely have a boyfriend they’ve had for many years & not looking at having children anytime soon but are talking about marriage.

Then there are the few out there who dropped out of high school at 16. Not because they weren’t intelligent enough to do it, but because when they walked into their high school they felt as if they were drowning. Nothing seemed right & everything was suffocating. The teachers. Students. Homework. Even their closest friends. So they dropped out. Didn’t finish.

Then horrible job after horrible job led them to realize they wanted to go to college. They have no significant other, no children & aren’t really thinking about either. They want to get a degree in something that matters to them. Even if they have to use it for other things than what they hoped.

So around 21 they decide to go to school. They enroll & begin their education in English. Because that is what they want to do. Half way through the semester, after talking to someone they are close with they decided to change their major to business – because English isn’t going to get them anything but they can do anything with a business degree. A few semesters go by taking business class after business class. After failing a complete semester of business classes it hits them! I am in the wrong area of study. But after so many semesters… isn’t it too late?

That is when all the conversations you’ve ever had in your past come to a flying halt in front of you & it makes you think oh no!

Then it makes you wonder if everything you’ve chosen so far, mostly out of fear of doing the wrong stuff, you’ve picked all the wrong stuff.
The point?

I just feel like I am supposed to do more than what I have done. I’m so scared of leaving Oklahoma & being away from my brother when sometimes that is what I think I’m supposed to do. Ever feel like the life you’re living isn’t the life you were meant to live? At times I feel extremely happy & others I’m sitting around watching television by myself thinking I wish there was more to this. I’m not so sure it’s all about colleges & work.. but something is missing & I cannot pinpoint what it is. But sitting here tonight I think about going back to College & finishing my two year. Then what? Go on with my two year and be done with it? No.

But the biggest question I have : How can a person figure out what is missing in their life if they aren’t sure what it is?

Having Withdraws.

Every now & again I’ll find books that I cannot for the life of me put down. I’ll read it like it’s part of my life. Then when I finally finish it I’m sad. Like extremely sad. Sad.

Back in 2008 I read the Twilight Saga. I had actually attempted to read “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer once before & couldn’t get into it. Stuff exploded in my life. Made a big mess. & I saw “Twilight” sitting on my dresser so I read it. I was down. Completely out. I wasn’t happy & books seemed to help sometimes. I picked it up & began reading. This time around I couldn’t put it down.

I ended up reading all four books within a month. Sort of. I would have been able to had it not taken me four weeks to get the 4th book from the library. Now, might I add that I HATE to wait.

After I finished the books I felt empty. As if I had something missing from my life that I couldn’t piece together. I ended up having an emotional break down & left state. Was that from the books? No. But I did enjoy the books. A lot.

I was not able to get into another series again. I read books off & on after I left state. I basically lived at the library where I went. I read a few books that I now couldn’t tell you the names of except a book I read that had a cupcake on the front. I remember nothing else.

This year I was watching Ellen DeGeneres & she spoke about some books. She explained that she was on an air plane & the woman next to her was reading a book she had heard about, never read, & kept fidgeting in her seat. Watching that woman made her want to buy & read the books. Ellen talking about them made me buy the first book. Yes. I am talking about “50 Shades of Grey”. I had never previously read a book like that before so I was a little curious. I bought the first book on my sister-in-law’s Nook & began reading. I was hooked. HOOKED!

I read these books at work. Every now & then I’d laugh. Never squirmed like women say they did. Never found a reason to need to find a guy. Like women said. I did, though, love the books. Not even finished with the first book, I purchased “Fifty Shades Darker” & “Fifty Shades Freed”.

After I finished these books once again I felt empty. Like something was missing. Then I started dreaming about my own personal Christian Grey. Now, let me explain that I never once had a raunchy dream. I just dreamed about my Christian Grey. The stuff she wrote about in that book got my attention. I don’t want to say “I’m into things like that”, because for anybody who has read these might think I’m weird. I am weird. Sexually… I am curious. & we will leave it at that.

I began looking for some more books like these. Or even like the “Twilight Saga”. But after thinking about it, though, I decided against trying to find another vampire story. Mostly because I have attempted to reread “Twilight” & I can’t. I cannot get into the saga anymore. I’ve tried. I’m guessing that it’s just one of those things – I can read it once but not again. “Fifty Shades”, however, I could read over & over, & I am actually thinking about reading them again.

Two weeks ago I walked into Hasting’s with nothing on my mind except walking out with a couple of books to read. When you first walk into that store, or at least the one I have here, all you see is “Fifty Shades”. On the bottom of the rack sat a book I grabbed & glanced over. I ended up buying that book. Mostly because it refers to being like Fifty Shades.

The cover is so simple. But yet the book is unbelievable. In my opinion, of course. But, it is so similar to “Fifty Shades” that I never doubted that I would like it. I am sad, though, of how similar it is to “Fifty Shades”. Is that how it’s going to be? Cannot read anything else unless it is so much like “Fifty Shades” that I threaten to throw it away without finishing it because of it? Eh. Probably not. But what a thought. Now I’m waiting for them to release the second book. It will be out October 23rd. Have I ever mentioned that I hate to wait? Then I have to wait until December to get the 3rd book. If I had honestly known it was a three book deal & I had to wait for number 2 & 3. I probably wouldn’t have read the first one. That is how much I hate to wait.

I kept walking through Hasting’s & found another shelf that held “Fifty Shades”. Who would have ever thought there would be that many shelves of “Fifty Shades”. (serious face) On the bottom shelf of that particular display – it was a display, many shelves, I don’t know what I am saying half the time – sat another book. I had actually heard of this book before. I found it once on Barnes & Noble, but it didn’t seem my taste at the time. Or I didn’t really read what it was about the first time. I don’t really recall, to tell you the truth. All I know is that the front cover made my eyebrow raise in curiosity.

The cover of this book actually makes it look more… sexual. I was in awe of this book. “Gabriel’s Inferno” was not what I expected when I bought it. When I saw this book on the bottom shelf of “Fifty Shades” I expected raunchy. Especially since a guy wrote it. Oh, how I was wrong. I enjoyed this book more than I enjoyed the “Twilight Saga”, & almost as much as I enjoyed “Fifty Shades.” This book goes into more depth of information. Backgrounds.

I may be the only person who does this but when I am reading a book I sometimes think “If I had wrote this book, I would have put this in it….” This book. Actually put in it what I would have. But when I bought it I only bought the first one. I was worried that I wouldn’t like it since it was written by a man. (I’ve never gotten into books written by men.) Oh how wrong I was. Now I’m waiting until payday to buy the second book. Have I mentioned that I really, really hate to wait?

I don’t have a book to read right at this moment. & I am having with draws. Yes. Seriously. Like my crack was flushed down the toilet & I cannot get anymore. I really need a book. Everyone around me keeps telling me to breathe & calm down. If I breathe anymore, I’m going to end up passing out. So I have decided this time around I am going to get “Gabriel’s Rapture” & hunt for another book. I just don’t know what to read this time, since I’m still waiting for the 2nd & 3rd book of the Crossfire Series.

Abracadabra :)(:

I found myself walking the path my mother & I used to walk when I was younger. Younger as in, around twelve, I’m not really that old now. At least that’s what I am telling myself when I think about turning 25 next month. Is it too early in life to start freaking out about age?

Her & I used to walk it because there are hills. Unless you walk it backwards of course. We never did. I remember we walked it slow. Talked. I don’t think I could tell you any of the conversations. But I remember we done nothing but talked. I was listening to music as I walked it. Mostly to drown out the jokes about “the fat girl walking”. The only thing I wonder how are you supposed to become the not fat girl walking if people make fun of you for walking?

I used to walk a lot. I love to walk. I’m not going to say that I used to walk every day & it’s all I thought about. That’s a lie. I used to walk maybe once or twice a week. If you’re lucky. When my brother started driving you were lucky to ever see me walking. Why walk when I have a ride? But the jokes I heard was half the reason I stopped walking. The other half? It’s a mix between being extremely lazy & the pains I get from walking. You know. Because I am lazy.

Lazy is something I really must get over. The pain I can eventually walk out. If I am sitting still that’s when I hurt. But if I keep moving then I don’t hurt. (duh!) It’s just that, though. I don’t even want to be moving. Honestly. All I want to do is close all the doors, clothes the blinds, & get on the couch & sleep. But I haven’t. I’m still awake. Mostly. A part of me I really believe is asleep.

Don’t let me lie though. I did doze off about fifteen minutes ago. My cell phone woke me up & began moving around.

The walk yesterday was surprisingly good, though. I was sore from the day before but I ended up walking out the pains. Even though I cramped a couple times going up a hill. Twice.

My next problem I have to get over? Not eating dinner so late.

Last night I felt great after my walk. But I was hungry & I wasn’t able to make dinner until around ten o’clock at night. When, even I know, you are supposed to eat dinner before six & if you have a twang of hunger – snack. Nothing large. Small. But sometimes I find myself sleeping until three. Dinner at five? Then what? I’m hungry again by nine & I need to be in bed by ten. It doesn’t work out very well. I understand how it works. Breakfast. Snack. Lunch. Snack. Dinner. Snack. But two problems. One. I rarely eat breakfast. Let alone breakfast, snack, lunch, snack. I find myself sometimes only eating once a day. Does anybody really eat six times a day?

I honestly think this weight isn’t going to go anywhere. I don’t have the time or the money to do this. What does money have to do with anything? I haven’t had groceries in my house in two months. Why? Because I cannot afford to buy groceries. But if I think of it logically. I don’t buy groceries because I need to eat at work on the weekends. So I keep money for lunches. If I buy groceries, I can take a lunch. Especially since I am sick of the casino food. (It’s the same thing every day. Literally.) I think my logic just faded. (I’m not sure I had logic to begin with. Shut up!)

I will say this much. My “work week” ends on Tuesday morning. I arrive at home around 6:30 in the morning. I am usually asleep by 7. Then I normally sleep all day. I’m talking waking up around 9 in the evening. Get up & eat. Then go back to sleep until around 7 in the morning on Wednesday. I lost my Tuesday. The week though, I set my alarm for 3 in the afternoon. & I was awake until around 11 PM. I felt wonderful all day. & still do feel wonderful. It’s something to keep in mind.

Maybe I will just become bulimic.