Frost.

Mara Montgomery spends her days cooking and cleaning for her stepmother and two stepsisters. But after an accident one night, Mara finds her life changing forever. When she arrives back home and see’s that everything has changed, her anger turns into revenge, before taking off deciding her life isn’t what she always thought it would be. Mara is only partially accepting with the reality she was facing when she is approached by the charming, rude, and egotistical Kristopher Plague.

Kristopher Plague comes across to the public as the ordinary rich boy, not wanting for anything, living in the largest house on the West side of town. He uses his notorious good looks and money to gratify his every need, but is secretly obsessed with Mara, the only girl he cannot have. Once she appears in his yard in the middle of the night, almost as a knight in shining armor, he will do anything and everything in his power to make her his. Until a guy, NiKlaus Cuttingham, appears out of the shadows and threatens to take everything that is his.

NiKlaus Cuttingham is Chief of Police and all-around terrific guy, and brother of Mara Montgomery’s best friend, Megan. He finds himself hunting down the ‘bad guys’ and rescuing damsels in distress. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine the girl-next-door would need some saving and he would find himself tangled in the middle of lies, deceit, and murder.

*********************************

I’m slowly finishing up the novel. I’m to the point where I have let someone have the first four chapters to read. I’m still scared to death – which of course, everything that the person says I overthink it && make it worse in my head.

The question is – from the blurb – would you read it?

I have had the blurb for the back of the book written for years, I’m not sure if I have ever shared it before, but here it is. I’m wanting to find one more person to edit it, start to finish, after I finish reading through it, but I’m not sure who to use. I know I can’t use an official editor, because I don’t have the money for it && I refuse to ask someone who does it for a living to do it for free. Because – that’s like asking me to go to work for a week && not get paid for it. I wouldn’t do it I don’t expect them to do it.

Anyhoo… I am up to chapter 19 of 29-ish. It’s either 28 or 29 chapters. Then I have to upload my changes once again && then hopefully find someone who…

I’m worried about giving it to someone who has been in my life for a long time because I fear they will tell me what they think I want to hear because they are afraid of hurting my feelings. It’s one of those, I’d rather them hurt my feelings because if they tell me it’s good, I go to get it published (whether I do it myself or through a company) the criticism will be worse than a friend/family telling me they didn’t like it.

Ya know?

I have my goal to finish is by Summer of 2022. Getting it published is a different story.

Bacon.

I googled today “blog topics”.

I really wanted to write a something but I didn’t have anything in mind to write about. So I pulled up the internet and googled it. Some of them were interesting but I came across one that made me laugh. Out of everything that you could possibly write about, the website said:

“Bacon. Who doesn’t love bacon?”

I laughed. I thought who would actually take the time to write a full blog about bacon? I understand that people do enjoy a good piece of bacon – alone, with something, in something, wrapped around something. But would someone actually read a full blog that was based on the popular breakfast food?

But the question more is – what could I say about bacon, that others haven’t already? Bacon. Pork Bacon.

I actually didn’t used to eat a lot of bacon as it upset my stomach, sometimes it still does. Then for awhile it gave me kidney stones because of the salt – although I found the underlying cause of that, so it wasn’t bacon. Recently, after the diabetes and such, I began cooking with bacon a little more. Not a lot of bacon, just enough to give a taste and probably a crunch since I overcook it (I tend to zone out).

I do enjoy the bacon jokes when people say they will take their bacon with a side of bacon, covered in bacon, and bacon on the side to dip their bacon in. When I still worked overnights && my job still has an employee dining room – I’d go get bacon, crumple it && put it in white gravy. Then I’d eat it with a spoon. Told that to the boyfriend && he said it sounded gross. Maybe not gross, but it could explain why I’m 9,000,000 pounds. (That might be a slight exaggeration.)

Bacon isn’t what will kill me. Butter is.

The websites also said to share a recipe with your readers. &&& since I chose bacon – I’ll share a bacon recipe with you. I call it warm corn and cabbage salad.

I first take a head of cabbage and chop it up.
Chop up an onion. I use white, but I’m sure it would be good with whatever kind you want to use.
Fresh corn on the cob – I cut the corn off.
Chop bacon into small pieces.

I first cook the bacon. I toss in the onions, and cabbage. Mmm-mm. After they cook a bit I add in the cabbage – season with your favorites (I tend to use pepper, onion powder, & garlic powder). Cook it a bit until you get the texture of the cabbage you want. Serve.

Well, I guess it is possible to write a blog about bacon.

To ghost or not to ghost.

When I was fifteen I lost my mother.

The day before she passed her && I spent the whole day together. I had woke up that day to get ready for school but something told me not to go. So I didn’t. I used the fact that my foot was broken, I said it hurt, to not go to school that day. Instead, we spent the day together.

At a point in the day she told me if there was anyway she could come back && let us know that she was safe, and had found her mother and grandfather, that she’d let me know. I joked, of course, && told her I wouldn’t do that unless you want to see me a lot earlier than you expected. We both chuckled.

She was scared that day. I didn’t realize it at the time. But she was. I remember going home that night helping her pack and get ready to go to the hospital. In the bag she had packed were letters she had written. They were for my brother, dad && me. When I found them that day I asked her about them && she said they were nothing && threw them away. A part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything. I have always wondered what it said.

The next day we drove to OKC Heart hospital. Waited all day. Drove home that night without her.

A few days pass, not many, just enough. My brother && I were in my bedroom – up on the shelf was a mantle clock that belonged to my great-grandfather. It hasn’t worked in years due to the fact that all of the inside pieces are in the bottom of it. That day the clock chimed three times. I looked at my brother who looked back at me. For a brief second – I was relieved. My brother & I have always believed, && I always will, that was my mother telling us that she found our grandmother && great-grandfather && that they were together.

Every so often I’ll see a shadow out of the corner of my eye – not all the time, and it’s usually subtle and doesn’t stay long. Just long enough, I guess. I’ll stare in the direction of the shadow – I don’t know if it’s in hopes of actually seeing her or just feeling comfort to know she’s there.

I just hope that she is proud of me. Even though my house is a mess, my life is a mess && I’m nowhere near being in the position that I thought I would be at 34. && I hope after my dad passed that he was able to find her. That they are together along with her parents, and his parents, siblings, etc. I hope that in the afterlife you do find your people && you know it. That it isn’t over after you die && there are great things for you waiting.

Here We Go!

November 2012 – First got the idea of Frost
November 2012 – Began writing.-The first few months was probably the easiest. The words just came to me. Flew out without having to think about it. Came across Chapter Three && the words just stopped. For some weird reason, every odd chapter was hard to write.
January 25, 2015 – I finished writing the full story.
January 26, 2015 – Began editing the story.
January 27, 2015 – Began the LONG fight with the story that lasted seven years.
January 25, 2022 – Finished – completely – the first round of edits. Yes, you read that correctly, I have finished editing the book. Do I think it’s great? No, I still think it needs a lot of work. But this is right direction.

My next plan is to print it out, start to finish, && read it. Make sure it flows, make notes throughout it. Make sure I didn’t take something out that I referenced before. It began with one idea && became something completely different as I finished writing it. But I think most writers say that about their stories.

I have given myself a goal. The goal of finishing this completely before the end of this year. Although, I think I say this every year, I mean it a little more now. The last year has been weird, hard, and stupid – && I know that I may not have forever and if I keep putting it off, my forever is going to be something I don’t enjoy as much as I should. I preach to people all the time to do the stuff in life that makes them happy. So why am I not listening to myself when it comes to my own happiness? I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life. I want to write. I want that to be my living. &&& I will NEVER know for sure if I have what it takes if I never finish the book.

So here I am. My life is fine – but it would be so much better if I could put as my job title “Author”. Be able to say that my life is writing. Writing is my life.

But then again, I have decided to do a lot of things that scare me. That I’m afraid to do. && no, it’s not one of those “I’m going to die so I’m going to do everything on my bucket list.” I am not planning my death. I’m not ready to die. I’m just going to do && try to do the things that I have wanted to but afraid to try. Maybe I’ll go bungee jumping? Go down a water slide? Learn to swim?

I’ve been struggling lately with my sugar numbers. They’ve been high – not last year high, but high. 300’s. All the time. Morning. Afternoon. Night. My phone was been waking me up beeping because it hits 300 between 2AM & 7AM. Then it’ll go down to about 250 && stay there all day. I have been waiting to go see my endocrinologist about it && see what she says, however, when my appointment came up I found out they dropped my insurance – yay. So I was unable to do that. Instead I made an appointment with my primary && had the conversation. After discussing medicine & such she mentioned that it’s probably because I have been taking one of my shots. Why? Because I ran out of it – then tried to get it refilled. The endocrinologist I was seeing doesn’t, for any reason, answer their phone. So I was unable to get it refilled. So my primary refilled it – three months worth – &&& I began taking it again. I’m back on it for two weeks. The last two days I haven’t hit 300. It has been ranging between 150 – 200. Still high, but it’s a lot better than it was.

Weight loss. That’s my goal. I don’t know if I will be able to do it myself. Back of my mind has been weight loss surgery. I feel like that’s me giving up. But at the same time, I also think, it might benefit me. I will have a higher chance of not being diabetic, have high blood pressure && I may, just may get my heart function back.

My check up this month with my primary – she said I had a little fluid build up again. Nothing scary. She didn’t hospitalize me. She said my numbers are better. I take a water pill – I’m allotted two of them a day – I have only been taking one. This last few days I have been taking two. I can’t have the build up – a heart attack is not in my plans.

Up & Down.

I gained 8 pounds.

I get that it’s holiday season && everyone usually gains weight. But I didn’t really have the room to gain the weight. I also get that it’s not a lot of weight && weight goes up & down. But I’m sticking with the I don’t have the room to gain weight.

Last night before dinner my blood sugar was 515.

I cried.

I cried for three reasons:

Because my blood sugar was 515.
Because I was scared.
Because I really wanted what I had made. (Nachos)

I told Boyfriend I needed to get back to walking && exercising. MOving around & such. Last couple of months we have been eating horribly, stopped walking, etc. Today I we went grocery shopping && then afterwards, before I didn’t have the stamina anymore, we went for a walk. Almost 2 miles worth. Took approximately 50 minutes. But I did tell him while walking that this time last year I couldn’t walk two circles at the park without having to stop && sit down for a few minutes before finishing. Today I went six circles (the park is small) without having to sit down. Did I start hurting? Yes, of course, but I’ll take pain over having to stop before I walked for 30+ minutes.

The 8 pounds isn’t a horrible thing. It’s just ruining my small goals I have made for myself. I can’t hit them if I’m going in the wrong direction. A few changing && it’ll be better but first I have to start shopping better. Tonight I’m making stuffed mushrooms, mixed veggies. I won’t talk about the meat I chose – normally I eat chicken. Tonight I’m choosing not to. But as I told Boyfriend while walking – I have to walk out some calories so I can eat my meat.

The rut I have been in for a while is slowing ending. Whether it’s the exercising rut or the writing rut. I have been able to edit some more on my story. The last two weeks I have finished four chapters, which usually takes me four months.

So my two goals for the next couple of months:

Finish Editing Frost so I can finally find someone that can edit it again for me && tell me if it’s crap or not.
Finishing losing weight && attempt to not be so much of a horrible diabetic that maybe when I eat Chinese food it won’t go into the 300’s. (The 515 last night was because of what I chose to eat for lunch, I knew it was bad, but I did it. Now I know not to do it again.)
OH! & attempt to write more in this. I always say, every year, that I’m going to write more but I never do. I purchased a book off of Amazon the other day, “One Line a Day for Five Years” – maybe that’ll help. I have thought about finding one of those sites people use && put a couple of the chapters up of my story, but then I’m scared. So there’s that.

So with that, I’m going to wander back over to my chair && probably play a card game on my phone while I wait to make dinner. My stomach is growling.

Traditions.

Lately my mind as been extremely negative.

So much that The Boyfriend has been asking me why I’m so negative && I’m not one hundred percent sure why. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t noticed that I’m a little on the extra side right now. I’m trying so hard but at the same time my spirit is just gone.

I wanted to try && cheer myself up by writing about holiday traditions. If I have written about this in the past, I apologize, hopefully I don’t look like a complete idiot && say something that I didn’t the first time, but I don’t think I have, so there’s that.

First, I would like to admit that I don’t remember many of my Christmases. My memory doesn’t work like most, and I have said it before that some things I remember either didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I remember it. The last Christmas I remember I was around eleven, maybe ten, I’m not sure. But I remember it was the last Christmas I spent with my grandmother.

Other than that, the only things I really remember is that I did celebrate Christmas growing up with my parents, I just don’t remember them. But I do remember the last few I have had. Like the first one with the Boyfriend. Although, that one isn’t as great of a memory as I wish. I had that planned out && knew it was going to be great! But with unforeseen circumstances, that Christmas was a bust because Boyfriend wasn’t at home on Christmas Day. He had to go do something that didn’t involve me, so I stayed at home – like I did for the next couple of Christmases when he had to go do something else. (I feel salty, but I’m not.)

I got over that.

The last few Christmases he has been home with me, so it’s made up for it.

Now, on to traditions. My mom loved Christmas – it was her favorite time of the year. She loved the tree (which she always wanted a solid white fake tree but was never able to get it. After she passed && I got older I began buying solid white fake trees for her, I felt as if it made her closer to me. I eventually stopped, mostly this year, I have a flocked tree, I believe that is what it’s called.) She loved the cooler weather, even if it doesn’t really get cold, she loved the lights, and the music && the food. Oh, she loved to cook for the family (even if I don’t remember it.)

A lot of her traditions I tried to keep going back as the years go on, I realize that I will never be up to par to my mom, but I’m pretty sure a lot of people say that. I remember that she would put the tree up Thanksgiving evening, && begin to buy presents. She would hide the gifts in her closet (which happened to be in my bedroom) && my brother && I would try to guess what was in the boxes – just like normal children. Sometimes, we would attempt to open the present && fix it before she noticed, but I don’t remember if we ever actually got into them or not.

Christmas Eve she’d have us go to bed super early && then would pull out the Santa Gifts, which were never wrapped, and put them out underneath the tree && fill our stockings with a bunch of great things. I can remember one year in my stocking was a ring, a tiny purple butterfly, I loved that ring, but I lost it. Sadly. That ring meant so much to me because I logically knew my mother picked it out. && anything my mother picked out, I loved. But that ring was something special for me.

Then Christmas Morning, my brother would always wake up first. He’d tiptoe into my bedroom && wake me up && we’d sneak into the living room && just sit in front of the tree until our mom && dad woke up. I know my mom enjoyed making a Christmas breakfast, but I don’t know if it was the day of or the day before.

My brother always says that our mom let us open on gift on Christmas Eve, but I don’t remember that. But I think that was him just trying to get me to let him open a gift.

After my mom passed away, I tried everything I could do keep the spirit for Christmas in the house, but I couldn’t, so I eventually just stopped trying. I know we always had a small tree, but it never felt right so that eventually just faded.

When my brother started dating older woman who had children, I attempted to make it feel festive for the kids. I hope I always did a good job, but for me, there’s always been something missing. When I lived alone, I bought a four-foot tree and decorated it && put up a stocking for myself. But I still felt like something was missing.

I am 34 now – I have no children – it’s just Boyfriend && Myself. When him && I first got together he said he came with children. That part perked me up thinking about all the holidays that I could make fantastic for them. I really thought it would help me find my groove && create my own traditions that they’d talk about even after I’m gone. Or tell stories to their friends or family about the nice things I did.

I still don’t have any traditions. I buy gifts for a few people. I put up a tree. I try to decorate outside (we got half the porch done this year.) I used to make a big dinner for Christmas, but I don’t have the spirit for that anymore either. I’m trying so hard – to the point that I wanted to leave for a vacation to a town that is known for Christmas so maybe I could find it.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year, but lately, I feel as if I am doing it all wrong && just making everyone’s life around me miserable. I feel like sometimes I force Boyfriend to buy me gifts && I force others around me to enjoy the holiday season because I feel like I should be – but I’m not.

This year has been extremely hard && I was hoping by November && into December that maybe my spirits would be up. But just a few moments ago I was thinking that I probably need to make a will – yes, a will. Just in case I die && there won’t be any issues when it comes to my stuff. Not that I have much. But what I do have I would want to go to specific people. Which this all makes me even sadder && more negative. Because I don’t want to think about death at 34, but it’s a realization I must come to terms with, because I have already tried to die once this year. Then all this talk takes my brain into a whole different topic.

I have been watching a lot of Christmas movies this year. Every year I buy Hallmark Movies Now && try to watch them. Last couple of years I didn’t really, but this year I have watched so many. Boyfriend && I sleep differently (he works nights && I work mornings) so when he is asleep, I’ll watch Christmas/Romantic movies. When I’m asleep he plays video games, lately it’s basically been Diablo 2.

I wanted to start a tradition where for Christmas Dinner Boyfriend && I go have Chinese (my favorite food), then go home && open gifts. Or even just go get the food, take it open, eat && open gifts while a corny Christmas movie plays in the background, like The Santa Claus. We did that last year on December 24th. We went to the next town over && dined in, eating Chinese before going home && opening gifts. it worked out well last year.

This year I have no idea what’s happening.

Untitled.

When I was released from the hospital earlier this year I was told to weigh myself everyday. For the first few months I did. Every morning. Ass soon as I woke up, used the bathroom, I went straight to my scale and weighed myself. I did it for so long that I eventually starting getting irritated and upset everyday because I wasn’t seeing any change.

So I stopped that.

I understand why they want me to watch my weight. I do. Completely. But at the same time, my mental status is something I have to keep up with. That’s a huge thing nowadays. Everyone talks about how crazy and incoherent they are, so I should keep mine up to par too.

Yes, I know I’ve discussed weighing myself before. But I decided that I would weigh myself only on Monday’s. Tuesday if I forgot. I weighed myself today and I gained 0.4 pounds in a week. Now you’re thinking, that’s not terrible. Which it’s not, I agree, but at the same time it drives me a little crazy because I want to keep losing.

&& sometimes, I don’t.

I know for a fact if I would start walking – yes, still in that rut – that I would drop it. I have seen it happened. Year after year. I always do that to myself. I’ll start losing weight && feel so great then something happens. Which I’ve told y’all about before too. Right now, I have nothing to stop me except the fact that I just don’t have oomph. I think about it daily and I tell myself, “I need to go for a walk today.” (I even said it to myself today.) I just… never do. Then I complain because my weight loss is stalled.

It’s quite ineffective if you ask me.

&& until I do it, I’ll never continue doing it.

My job has this thing every year that is called an IDP, which more jobs have it that I didn’t realize. One of the parts is wellness && we can do a walking calendar and I feel like I’m behind. Our 2022 IDP’s started on 10-1 && I have not walked a single day. I’m wasting my walking days.

&&& I still haven’t used my jump rope. It’s still just sitting in my side drawer staring at me when I open it. It screams, “COME ON BARB, LET’S JUMP ROPE!” Where as my body says, “You don’t want to do that, you want to go back to bed.”

I don’t do either, usually just end up in my chair, which I call a fat chair. It’s one of those larger recliners && I made jokes that I can grow to fit in it. Boyfriend didn’t find it quite as funny as I did.

Upside, I’m 8 pounds away from my first goal. Remember me saying I wanted to weigh what my driver license says. I’m 8 pounds away && 8 pounds from being able to say I have lost 100 pounds since January. So there’s that…

Concentration is hard.

I want to write.

Writing is all I think about. I think about writing more than I think about food && when you’re a foodaholic, that’s a lot. But when I sit down to write nothing seems to come out. Nothing seems to make sense && nothing seems to work our properly.

I cannot seem to concentrate when it comes to writing, or editing. My mind start wandering && I begin thinking about something else. Lately, I’ve been thinking about playing Fallout 4 – again. (Side note: I’ve already beat it once, but I have been working on beating it again where I side with a different side of the game. Last time I sided with the Institute && had to murder the Brotherhood. Now, I want to side with the Brotherhood.) Or I start thinking that maybe I just need to read more. Maybe that’s what is clogging up my brain, but at the same time, I can’t concentrate to read either.

I recently bought every book written by Harry Dolan (I really enjoyed his first book). I have them all sitting beside my bed just waiting. I began reading his second book but I cannot seem to concentrate long enough to read through it. When I start reading I begin thinking, maybe I should be writing && not reading. Then I pull out my book && start editing just in time for my brain to start thinking about Fallout 4.

It’s just a big old circle I would love to get out of.

Oh! Let’s not forget. When I’m sitting around doing nothing, writing, reading, or playing video games, my brain is screaming at me that I probably should be exercising. Speaking of, I told Boyfriend on Monday that I wanted to go for a walk. My right foot has been hurting ever since. But what makes it weird, I never went for my walk because just talking about it my foot started hurting && now I can barely walk on it without it hurting. Can someone tell my body to stop so I don’t die at 45?

So here I sit in front of the computer typing words into a white square so I can say I at least write something. I woke up the other day after having a very vivid dream. I went straight to the computer, sat down && pulled up a blog to write. I had decided that I would write something new, once a week, that would be a story that could be read like a television series. Something new every week. It’s still saved in my drafts. I never wrote it – which is the story of my life.

I have some great ideas when it comes to writing && then I just…. can’t. Maybe it’s I don’t. I have figured out that I sabotage myself. Maybe I do that with writing too? All I know for sure, 100% – if I don’t finish something I will never be published. Whether it’s self-published or published through a company, it’ll never happen if I don’t do something now. I feel like I’m running out of time.

Although, that’s not true. Some of the writers I read don’t get published until they are in their 40’s or older. There’s never a stopping point. You’re never too old to do something different. I read a story once about a romance writer (mommy porn) that didn’t write her first book until she was in her 80’s. But then I hear stories about writers who write && publish their first book at 14. I think it just depends on the person && how much time they dedicate to writing.

November will be 9 years of writing/editing this book. I have been writing this book way too long.

I didn’t start one back when I was 19. Then my computer crashed && I lost everything. EVERY. THING. I swore then I’d never write another. But in 2012 (25 years old) I was overcome with the inspiration && just started writing. Like I can remember the whole time line. 2015, January, I finished the rough draft. I can remember because I was at work && I wanted to scream. But I calmly told my supervisor && co-workers which they told me to scream. So I squealed. Three years of writing, finally done. Now, I had to edit. It’s not 2021 && I am still editing that stupid book.

I know I talk about this a lot. As much as I talk about it you’d like I would just finish it. How hard is that for me to understand && grasp?

JUST. FINISH. THE. BOOK.

Something Simple.

I am writing/editing.

It’s been a while since I spoke about my writing journey. Lately, it’s been about my health and that journey. But last week, while I was off from work for a few days, I found myself finally pulling it back out && working on Frost. Did I finish it? Of course not. But I did finally get chapter ten finished, and retyped on my USB. Then I followed that up with chapters 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 && 16. I am now working on chapter 17, which is… a lot longer than I thought it was. However, most of it will be taken out.

When I began writing Frost, I was going for numbers versus content. Well, I recently read a self-published book and it was HARD to get through. In fact, I never finished it. I bought it, so I did help the author, I just didn’t enjoy it. After reading that one I realized that going for numbers versus content isn’t going to work. So I have a lot of “junk” in my writing that I need to take out. Which is where I’m at right now. Trying to get the “junk” out but keeping what I need for the book to make sense.

I know I’m going to be my hardest critic, like, there isn’t another person on this planet who is going to hate my writing as much as I hate it. So me trying to edit what I wrote is hard. I’m hard myself because of my word phrasing or my tenses, or spelling errors. I am hard on myself because I think it’s crap && no one is going to want to read it. Or the ones who want to read it hates it because it’s crap.

That’s what I feel when I look at it. That it’s pure crap. Nothing but && needs to be flushed with the rest of the crap. But I’m trying. I am, I’m honestly trying to finish it without throwing it in the trash. Although, if I did throw it away maybe it’ll be like Stephen Kings book, Carrie, that his wife dug out. I mean, he did throw that away. Hah! who am I kidding? I will NEVER have a career in writing like Stephen King. I will be lucky if this book even gets published. Hopefully, if it does, I’m not dead && someone in my family is going through my stuff and find the book && read it and then publish it. Dude! It would suck for the book to be popular, when I’m dead.

But that’s how it usually is, right? Most great writers aren’t found until they are dead. Eh, but with social media, I don’t think that would be the issue. The issue is that I haven’t completely finished the book and I began it in November 2012. But I’m sure I’ve stated that before && I’ve also stated that I finished the rough draft in January of 2015. So, since then, I’ve been trying to edit it, which I have rewritten the first five chapters approximately 500 times. Like, if I were to rewrite those chapters anymore, I’m pretty sure I’d have to rewrite the whole book. Every time I go to edit another chapter my mind starts reeling && I ended up wanting to change something else. But alas, I keep having to tell myself that I cannot keep rewriting the book.

Telling myself something is a lot easier than actually doing it. I want to find someone that will edit it for me. A professional editor, if you will. But at the same time I don’t want to ask one because it’s their job so they’ll want money && I don’t have any to give them. So then I thought maybe I could get a friend of two to read it && see if it’s even worth finishing. But I still have the option of complete strangers. Strangers will tell you the truth. Friends && family, not usually. Because in their heart of hearts they don’t want to hurt my feelings. So they’d read as much as they could, then tell me it’s great to finish it, but in reality it’s crap and I end up putting it in the back of my closet && never writing again.

That’s my writing rut, by the way. I have been in this position for years. It’s not something that just popped up all of a sudden. When I read articles about how to get out of the rut it always says to read more. Read often – read all of the time. Reading is supposed to help a writer get out of the funk. But, up until just recently, I haven’t been able to read a full book. I’ll begin a book, get bored, and never pick it back up. Even from my favorite author. I have read all of his books except one – because of the reading rut. I don’t want to start the book, then get bored, && never pick it back up. So I just never did. However, I was scanning through Amazon the other week and found a set of books. I bought the first one to check it out and ended up reading the whole book in one day. Went back && bought the other two. They aren’t long books, but the way I have been lately, a novella is a great way to start back up. Which, is I think, half of the reason I have been able to edit my book. Do I know that for sure? No – I could have actually just been really bored last week and thought hey, my book is there.

But I will say if you get the chance to read the three book series I’m a Therapist && My Patient is… by Dr. Harper, read them. Apparently they began on /reddit and after a lot of asking for them in a book, he finally wrote them. I have enjoyed them, but some people say they are stupid. So I guess it just depends on your taste in books. My taste ranges it just depends on how it’s written.

I’m honestly hoping to have my book completely edited by the end of the year, but I realize we are only a few days away from August so the year is almost over – it might not happen this year. But I don’t plan on not being able to finish it, so I will eventually. Maybe one day I’ll look up an Author and it’ll say that it took them ten years to write their first book. Doubt it. But maybe…

I’m keeping faith, though, that if I ever actually finish this one, get it published, that if I choose to write another one that it won’t be this hard or take THIS long. Wow. The ten year thing was a joke until I just counted the years. Dude! November of 2022…. will be ten years. That’s crazy!

I guess if it does take me until next November I can call it the Ten Year Book. It’d go along with calling Boyfriend the Seven Year Dude (Syd).

Do Dreams Come True?

I wonder how many people actually say their dreams did, in fact, come true. I have a dream. Other than finishing the book that I really need to finish but I’m too lazy to actually do it… I want to own && operate a food truck.

I have two loves in my life. Writing, of course, && cooking, which I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned a few times. I also do believe I said my dream job would be a food writer. Combine the best of both worlds. Travel all over the globe while trying different foods, cooked by different people and just write about it.

But I’m trying not to span too far into the atmosphere. But as I sit here and write this I find myself wondering is wanting to own, run && operate a food truck too far out the scope of reality for me? I get it. It takes money && a lot of it. I can save; I know how to do that. But lets say I did save the money, would I actually ever get to the point where I can do it before I die?

I think that’s half of my issue. A part of me is scared that I won’t see the part of my life where most people do find && achieve their dreams. Sometimes, it takes people into their 40’s & 50’s to actually get it. So I wonder – do I have that long to keep hoping that maybe I can get what I truly desire out of life.

Lately I haven’t felt well. I mean, I don’t feel like I’m knocking at deaths door, I just haven’t felt well. I have been sluggish, and still depressed. Angry, and annoyed. My medicine makes it where I don’t have an appetite so I’m not hungry half of the time. They’ve put me on insulin which I’m pretty sure is half of the depression. I thought I was moving forward, day by day, but I feel sometimes that them putting me on insulin is back tracking. But in reality, I’m pretty sure it’s not.

So that’s me. I’m scared, worried, and freaking out that I don’t have time to do what I want with my life. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want people in the future when I’m no longer here talking about something I achieved. Something I did. Something that makes people remember me. Will it be in the food world, writing world, or both worlds?

Do I think I’m going to write the next literary masterpiece? No, I don’t.
Do I think I’m going to open a food truck that eventually turns into a million dollar business that has restaurants in different countries? No, I do not.
I am realistic.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m achieving anything && I know part of that is because I’m not trying to achieve anything.

I was talking about my food truck dream at work the other night && someone said it’ll never happen while the others either didn’t say anything or said food trucks make bank && if I apply myself I can achieve it. But… where do I apply myself at? I told Boyfriend that I’m working on it && my first step is that I ordered a credit card reader that goes into your phones charging port. It’s something silly and small, but at the same time I feel like I’m heading into the right direction.

What I need is a million people to give me one dollar. That’s it. Spare one dollar for me. If anyone is interested please let me know && I’ll set up the account. In the mean time, I’ll either keep thinking about my dreams, dreaming about my dreams, or trying to crawl out of this round of depression.

Either way, I seem to be doing something, right?