Happy New Year!

What is your number one New Years Resolution?

My New Year resolution doesn’t really change much. But it ranges. One year it’ll be to write the next great American novel. The next year it will be to lose weight. The next will be back to writing & then to losing weight. It’s a back and forth battle I’m probably never going to win.

2020 was to lose weight.
2021 was to write more.
2022 was to lose weight.
2023 was to write more.
2024, back to losing weight.
2025 – will be to write more.
See how that works?

Maybe this year I just need to say both – lose weight && write more.

I have been watching sitcoms lately that have already finished. No longer airing. Right now I’m on Mike & Molly && a part of me is jealous of the decision that Molly made. For anyone who didn’t watch it, she was a teacher for ten years. During a state standardized test she flipped a switch – crawled out of her classroom window && into the rain – telling her students to never stop dreaming. That’s the day she walked away from her career to make writing her full time job. Has she been having ups and downs? Thinking she wasn’t good enough? Looking into other jobs – driving instructor, forklift driver. Well yes.. But a small part of me wishes I could just crawl out a window at work and into a rainstorm and never look back. But sadly, my job has no windows && I can’t just quit my job because I need the income that being a full time unpaid writer wouldn’t give me.

But at the same time, of course, I wonder to myself – would I be okay without working? I took two weeks vacation in November && by the end of it I was pretty grumpy. I’m not sure if it’s because of me not going to work or if it’s because most of it I was alone because Boyfriend was still going to work – he didn’t have the vacation time to take off like I did.

In conclusion to my rambling. 2024’s main goal is to lose weight. The minor goal is to write more. The smallest of goals (say that in your head with a squeak to your voice) is to become a paid writer of sorts. It can even just be a blog writer. I’ll be okay with that. && be able to crawl out of my works window, into the pouring rain, and never look back.

Goodbye 2021 – Hello 2022

Here is to wishing for a better year.

The last couple of years has been weird. I wonder what people in past pandemics did to relieve stress from what’s going on around them. This year, I tried to erase it by dying – not on purpose of course. So I for one, am glad that the year is over && that we can start over.

But then again, I said that at the end of 2020 also.

I am going to look at it like this – unless I die, 2022 is going to be better for me. I am hoping for a few things:

I’m hoping that I can declutter my mind. The last few years I have felt like my mind is on an episode of Hoarders && I need a dumpster. I have so much going on up there that I am having trouble deciphering what the clutter is. I’m hoping that 2022 will bring me the dumpster I need && hopefully it not turn into a dumpster fire.

I’m hoping to finally either finish, begin another, but start writing again. I have wrote off and on this year, but this nothing compares to what I used to do. I can’t always blame the cluttered mind, but at the same time, if I had that dumpster, would it make any difference with my writing? I enjoy my job that I have right now but it’s not my dream. My dream includes words, pages, books – but at my rate I’m going to end up just thinking about the dream rather than going forward.

I want to get my health on track even better than I have this year. I know it’s a long, hard road but at the same time, I know I can do it. I know it’s possible for me to get ahold of the reins and fix myself. Because I know, if I don’t have my health, I will have nothing else. && I’m not quite ready to give up without a huge fight. Plus, the thought of leaving Boyfriend && The Brother alone in this world – scares me so much.

I’m hoping to find another hobby. I’m know I have writing which I enjoy immensely, but at the same time, I feel like I should have something else to occupy my time other than work – I don’t make enough at work to occupy my time 24/7. So I’m up for finding something else. I have tried sewing, coloring, painting… none of it stuck. Well, I do have cooking to fall back on, I guess, but that’s kind of in the same boat as writing. Unless I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone, that’ll never be a reality either.

I hope this next year turns out to be one of the better ones that people and myself have had in year. I hope that everyone finds what they are looking for. I hope their is laughter, and love, and learning, and exploring – I hope there is so much enlightenment that people think back to 2019, 2020 && 2021 && laugh.

Here is to the next year && the happiness that everyone deserves!

Once in a dream…

When I was younger I had a dream. It seems silly to me now, but as a child, it’s what I aspired to. I dreamed about what it would be like to stand in front of a crowd, chanting my name, holding lighters up wanting more.

I wanted to be a rock star!

I didn’t want to do it for the money or even the fame. If I wanted that, my choice would have been to be an actor – I just wanted to sing – to be on a stage.

That’s half the reason I chose to be in band – the other half, because I love music. Being in band (I played clarinet) gave me the opportunity to be on a stage multiple times a year. But it wasn’t enough, so in middle school I signed up for the talent show. First year I sang a Britney Spears song, yes, seriously, I was in middle school in the early 2000’s. The second time I sang an ‘Nsync song. (It may be the other way around – I’ve slept a lot since then.)

I may have lost both years but it was by far the best moments of my life. (That’s sad, right?) I probably would have kept entering it but thanks to a group of guys and their screamo, they stopped holding it. They eventually started again, but it was after I dropped out. (That’s for another day.)

As I have gotten older the feeling has calmed however the feeling still appears. My job has an event center which of course has a large stage. Sometimes we’ll have classes and I’ll space out staring at the stage – daydreaming.

The feeling has exploded but not exactly for the stage. I may still get that fuzzy feeling for the stage, but now I get that feeling for the printed word.

I was told once, “If you’re meant to do something you’ll always be thinking about it. When you go to sleep, wake up, and in between.” When I was younger it was singing, performing; anything dealing with the stage – that I thought about all the time. As I’ve aged my thoughts have changed and it’s always thinking about writing.

When I’m not writing, I’m thinking about it. That’s, I think, why I get so frustrated when I get “writers block”. It’s also why I get so angry at myself when I think about ‘Frost’.

I know I question whether I’m supposed to be a writer or not a lot, but it’s not because I don’t want to, but rather – shouldn’t it be easier? Is it normal for someone to take over six years to write a book? I mean, technically, I ‘finished’ it back in 2015. Since then I Have been attempting to edit it – all I seem to do is change things. I basically rewrite it, become aggravated, stop writing for months just to pick it back up – starting over at chapter one, to begin rewriting it again. I swear I have rewrote ‘Frost’ at least thirty times.

I’m never happy with it. I even know that I’ll always be my biggest critic – so why do I do this to myself?

I have this plan! My plan! A great plan! Since I am my biggest critic, and I will probably never like my writing, I decided that after it’s finished – COMPLETELY – I would offer three people the chance to read it and tell me what they think. People I know won’t sugar coat it, or lie because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I know it’ll be rough, most first books are – I am not going to be the next Jane Austen (I find her work hard to read). I just want to find my voice, my way – be the best Barbara Hightower I can. That’s all I can achieve. I can’t try to be another writer – just me. Because I know, if I am not, I’ll always be disappointed in myself and that’ll be a crappy life.

But first – I must finish ‘Frost’ – which I say a lot. For most, that’s a simple request, but for me – Queen of Procrastination – not so much.

I figured I would end this with a poem –

Silence! I scream loud!
A void, I feel deep, expands,
Forming frustration.

Until next time!
Peace. Love. && Fried Chicken.

PROOF! That I am in fact, editing Frost. Was able to get two chapters done yesterday.