Walking through Wal-Mart parking lot. I see a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t worry about tomorrow, God’s already there”.
Which got me to thinking.
I tell people a lot that He already has a book written of your life – so He knows what’s happening tomorrow. Then started thinking about what His library would look like. 📖
Photo Credit goes to Nemanja Sekulic.
Trying to break into worlds is hard.
No, this isn’t about me trying to find a way into another galaxy or proving that there is life in space. What I’m stating, is facts, that when you try to break into worlds it’s hard.
The writing community is huge. A lot of book worms, writers, authors, agents, editors, etc. && trying to get welcomed into it is like trying to sit at the popular table in high school. Sadly, I was never invited.
I have never been good at popularity contests && I wasn’t part of the “in crowd” && thinking that the writing community makes me feel like that is a harsh reality. I honestly know it’s not a popularity contest… but I feel like that. I also feel if you don’t have the money to spend you’ll never be published.
I figured the best way for an unknown is to publish it myself. Which is totally fine – I don’t mind doing the hard work. But I really wanted a professional editor to read through it, find the errors but unless I can poop out nearly $3,000 that will never happen. &&& I know they are worth the money, I just don’t have it to spend.
Then I think ‘okay, let’s skip the professional editing.’ Knowing that it’s self published, “most” readers will look over a lot of them. I will just edit the crap out of it.
Next hurdle. To self-publish, you need extra money. Thousands. I found a company that helps self publish but as I began reading I realized that not only do they request thousands of dollars they also keep 80¢ on every dollar for themselves so I would only get 20¢ of every dollar sold. Whereas, if I do it all myself and use Amazon, I get 70% of the royalties.
But then I think about going with my other passion but breaking into the food world is just as hard – if not harder. I guess when they say “you need money to make money” they weren’t kidding. But sadly, here I am with no money.
I did upload a couple chapters of the book. I figured if it gets enough notice that either that company will want to publish it or it shows that if I was to save the money, step-by-step it, that people would be interested in purchasing the book.
When I was younger I had a dream. It seems silly to me now, but as a child, it’s what I aspired to. I dreamed about what it would be like to stand in front of a crowd, chanting my name, holding lighters up wanting more.
I wanted to be a rock star!
I didn’t want to do it for the money or even the fame. If I wanted that, my choice would have been to be an actor – I just wanted to sing – to be on a stage.
That’s half the reason I chose to be in band – the other half, because I love music. Being in band (I played clarinet) gave me the opportunity to be on a stage multiple times a year. But it wasn’t enough, so in middle school I signed up for the talent show. First year I sang a Britney Spears song, yes, seriously, I was in middle school in the early 2000’s. The second time I sang an ‘Nsync song. (It may be the other way around – I’ve slept a lot since then.)
I may have lost both years but it was by far the best moments of my life. (That’s sad, right?) I probably would have kept entering it but thanks to a group of guys and their screamo, they stopped holding it. They eventually started again, but it was after I dropped out. (That’s for another day.)
As I have gotten older the feeling has calmed however the feeling still appears. My job has an event center which of course has a large stage. Sometimes we’ll have classes and I’ll space out staring at the stage – daydreaming.
The feeling has exploded but not exactly for the stage. I may still get that fuzzy feeling for the stage, but now I get that feeling for the printed word.
I was told once, “If you’re meant to do something you’ll always be thinking about it. When you go to sleep, wake up, and in between.” When I was younger it was singing, performing; anything dealing with the stage – that I thought about all the time. As I’ve aged my thoughts have changed and it’s always thinking about writing.
When I’m not writing, I’m thinking about it. That’s, I think, why I get so frustrated when I get “writers block”. It’s also why I get so angry at myself when I think about ‘Frost’.
I know I question whether I’m supposed to be a writer or not a lot, but it’s not because I don’t want to, but rather – shouldn’t it be easier? Is it normal for someone to take over six years to write a book? I mean, technically, I ‘finished’ it back in 2015. Since then I Have been attempting to edit it – all I seem to do is change things. I basically rewrite it, become aggravated, stop writing for months just to pick it back up – starting over at chapter one, to begin rewriting it again. I swear I have rewrote ‘Frost’ at least thirty times.
I’m never happy with it. I even know that I’ll always be my biggest critic – so why do I do this to myself?
I have this plan! My plan! A great plan! Since I am my biggest critic, and I will probably never like my writing, I decided that after it’s finished – COMPLETELY – I would offer three people the chance to read it and tell me what they think. People I know won’t sugar coat it, or lie because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I know it’ll be rough, most first books are – I am not going to be the next Jane Austen (I find her work hard to read). I just want to find my voice, my way – be the best Barbara Hightower I can. That’s all I can achieve. I can’t try to be another writer – just me. Because I know, if I am not, I’ll always be disappointed in myself and that’ll be a crappy life.
But first – I must finish ‘Frost’ – which I say a lot. For most, that’s a simple request, but for me – Queen of Procrastination – not so much.
I figured I would end this with a poem –
Silence! I scream loud!
A void, I feel deep, expands,
Forming frustration.
Until next time!
Peace. Love. && Fried Chicken.
I guess you could say that I am a little on the ‘slacking side’ Every year bloggers usually say what happened throughout the year and how much they’ve changed. I normally do. I think I did last year. I’m not sure. I’ve slept since then. Since I am not really doing anything I figured I’d go ahead and give it a shot.
1. I said goodbye to my normal November movie. The final installment of the Twilight Saga ended last year and once the movie is out on DVD, it’s done. Over with. Complete. I’m sad. Now I have to find something else to get obsessed with. (Besides 50 Shades of Grey and Gabriel’s Inferno.) And just an FYI, I bought my first popcorn bucket at Carmike 8 Theater and will probably never use it.
2. I began writing a novel. It’s called ‘Frost’ & as the end of the year ended I had three chapters wrote. I am, right now, working on chapter 5. I decided that if I want to be a writer I must begin writing something. So I began writing my twist on the famous Cinderella. Except mine isn’t the average (how many times will this story be wrote? I found one the other day that is about Cinderella being a robot (Cinder)…) I have been wanting to write this story for a long time & last year I decided just to do it.
3. Read an article in a newspaper that a co-worker gave me and realized that I need to get into the ‘writing community’ & get a following. Because publishing companies go by that when it comes to figuring out who to publish. They figure if people follow you to begin with then there is probably something there that will make them money. I completely understand but I’m having issues getting into it & getting followers. I have a few. & when I post something they like they hit ‘like’. But compared to a lot of people – three likes isn’t doing it. (Sometimes I wish they’d count my Facebook On one status I get nearly 20 likes. BUT – my family/friends think I’m hilarious. Strangers haven’t figured that out yet. Trust me, though, I’m HILARIOUS!)
4. April I moved out on my own. My own house. Paying bills myself. & I have decided it was probably by far the worse idea ever. Not living on my own. Living in this particular house. Right now, as I type this, my water is shut off because I have a leak in my bathtub & no one seems to be in a hurry to fix it. (I’m withholding rent until they fix it. They don’t know this yet. They’ll figure it out the first. They seem too busy to fix it. I’m too busy to pay it.) This is actually the THIRD leak I’ve had & I haven’t been there a year. My landlord’s husband done all of the plumbing. They should probably pay someone to do it for them. Because not only has he had to fix my plumbing but he had to fix it in EVERY house they own. I’m seriously thinking about moving into apartments in April when my lease is up. I’d hate to move out of a house into an apartment but at least they will fix it. I’ll miss living across the street from my brother, though.
5. I don’t believe I have a number 5. That seems to have summed up last year. Oh, other than the fact that we are still alive and I hope that no one done anything stupid. You know, for an example, run through your life savings. Buy a bunch of stuff you didn’t need just because you thought we wouldn’t be here anymore. Eat someone’s face because you thought you were a zombie. *rawr*
This year I’m hoping for a better year. I’m hoping for the best year of my life. Then next year I hope to have an even better year. I’m hoping that each year that passes just keeps getting better. Starting with this year of course. What do I hope happens? Just like every year I hope to get into shape. Mostly because I have the risk of dying young in my face. What do I mean? My great-grandmother died in her 60’s. My grandmother was in her 50’s. My mother was 40. I don’t have great odds. But I know that I can beat that if I lose weight. That’s common sense.
I hope to finish ‘Frost’. At least through the first stage of it. I haven’t reread any chapter yet. I get irritated at it and never finish. I have done that all my life. Right now, as I’ve said, I’m at Chapter 5 & I have been writing since the last week of November ’12. So keeping hope alive I hope to be done by July and then have the final draft by December. Possibly then will I be able to have it published. If not – at least then I can say that I have finally finished a full story. Start to finish. That is an accomplishment for myself since I’ve never done it. (I realized that the other night. I have never finished a story from start to finish & it bummed me to the core. I realize though, that I’m young and I have learning to do when it comes to writing. As I get older my writing will become better. But I also know that when it comes to publishing, an editor does a lot to ‘help’ the story a long. I don’t want to rely on that, though. I’d like someone to read my writing & say ‘oh it’s good the way it sits.’)
What kind of writer do I want to be? I want to have at least one person in my life tell me ‘your book touched me in ways a story never has’. I’ve said that before about books. Because it was true. I have read books in my life that still, to this day, awe me in ways I didn’t thinking writing could. No, Frost I can tell you now, will not be that story. One day though. Or one of the writers that someone reads the work of and turns it into a movie/television show because it was just that good.
So… know people who want to follow someone on their blog that rarely blogs because they don’t have internet at home & their phone is not good enough for blogging. Send them my way. Fine me on twitter – follow me there. I need a following… I guess I don’t ‘need’ a following. I’d like one. Trust me. I’m hilarious. I feel like I’m pimping myself out. @HightowerBarb I’d put my Facebook on here but I use that for family/friends & I’d never accept anything. I might have to make one for my blog or something. We’ll see.
♥The Barbosphere♥ 