Christmas Spirit

There is a commercial that plays where a family is welcoming people in and they are handing out gifts with a soft Christmas song playing in the background. There is laughter & many smiles. Dad, mom, children, grand parents, uncles, aunts – everyone you can imagine. You can tell by watching it that you should feel something. Anything.

Me? Nothing.

I go through this feeling yearly and I can’t seem to fix it. I have been searching for the Christmas Spirit that I remember as a child. Growing up I remember my mother having it – or so it seemed. Maybe she didn’t? I cannot really ask now. Maybe she faked it well. Another issue I have? I cannot even seem to fake the spirit.

Yes, I have things about Christmas I’ll always enjoy. I love buying gifts and giving them out. I love the lights, the cold, and the snow. But it’s that tiny spark people get I cannot seem to find.

I wish I could. I wish I could feel that something I felt as a child when my brother & I would wake up at six in the morning and sit in front of the Christmas tree. That feeling I had as I watched my mother prepare dinner or the glee I felt as the days counted down.

I remember watching our local channel all night as “Santa Claus” made his way around the world. It always made me smile to know that he’d be at my house soon. I would always make sure, once he got around New York, that I would go to sleep so he’d show up. After that my mother would hurriedly fill our stockings and leave out the Santa gifts. Then in the morning we’d have unwrapped presents waiting for us and we’d know that we’d been good and Santa made it – even if we didn’t have a chimney. (My mom told us how he’d shrink and go under the door. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that is pretty creepy. But it’s still the story I’d pass down to the younger generation.)

Now it seems as if the older I get the less and less I enjoy. (That actually may be half the reason I get so irritated with people when they tell me I should not like cartoons anymore because I am too old. What should I be watching? Soap operas?)

Now that I am dating a guy with children I feel like I should be feeling something – if not for me, at least for them. I can only fake whatever it is I’m missing for so long. Slowly the “it” I’m faking is fading. Normally I would be sending out Christmas cards – but does anyone really care about them anymore? No. Because I send them to adults and it seems as if all adults feel the same way. Sparkles and laughter in front of the children but behind doors it’s pure cynical and bad attitudes.

I always knew I didn’t want to become an adult, but I honestly didn’t think I would lose everything I felt that made me happy in doing so.

Now it makes me wonder how many more years will I have loving cartoons before I wake up one day & just not care. How many more years will I enjoy coloring or putting puzzles together? How many more years, since I am only twenty-eight years old, do I have before I become the shell of a person I was and become nothing? How many years do I have before I become the adult I never wanted to become?

Needs to write more…

I wonder a lot if all writers go through blocks. Not a writers block. Just a block in general.

I have been finished with the story for nearly a year but yet I am only up to chapter four in corrections. The first set of corrections. I honestly feel as if I should be further along than what I am. What makes it worse is that I haven’t been writing anything else, either.

Writers are supposed to write.
Writers are supposed to read.

I cannot seem to do either.

The last book I remember reading was the third book in the Gabriel trilogy by Sylvian Reynard. I read that right after it came out.

I took up sewing in hopes that maybe it can clear out a hole in my head that I plugged up. But all it has accomplished is now I have millions of tiny pillows in my bedroom that don’t have a purpose. Anyone need pillows?

I pretty sure I am going to put away the sewing and get back to writing. I walked through a book section in a store and all I could think, “one day my name will be on one of these books.” When? I’m not sure of that yet. But I know one day.

I don’t have anything…

I’m sadly not an authority in anything.

I want to get a second job to make some extra money – mostly for small things around the house. But I realized a few months/years ago that I am way to lazy. (My sit down computer job made me this way.) && I realized that i don’t want to do anything. I went through a list of places hiring around town: Homeland (town grocery store) – I would only want to be a cashier but I would want a reclining chair. But I just know they’d want me to stock shelves and wouldn’t give me a scooter cart to do so. Valero is hiring, (convenience store) – basically, when you work there you do everything. Sometimes working completely alone and not having anyone to help for hours at a time. Have you ever tried to run a register, cook deep fried bad for foods, stocks shelves, and handle pissed off truckers at the same time? No? Eh, neither have I. &&& I don’t really want to. Most of the fast food places are hiring, but I have been there and I don’t particularly like the jokes that come along with being in a “fast food” place when you’re overweight. ((Being a chef is different when you’re overweight. That’s when they LOVE you.))

So basically what I am saying is that i want a part-time job where I don’t have to do anything. What kind of idea did I have? That’s right! Online job. There are many online jobs that only problem I have – I am not any good at anything. I don’t have any particular knowledge about anything to do online jobs.

I also went through the list of blogging for money but everything says the same thing, “is looking for experienced online freelance writers who are credible authorities in their fields and capable of conveying information to users in a friendly, enthusiastic, and compelling way.”

What was I getting at?

See! That’s my problem.

Gotta go!

Saved By The Bell.

I have read many web pages dedicated to a movie where the cast of ‘Saved By The Bell’ gets back together and you find out what has happened since 1994 until now. So as I lay here this morning watching ‘Saved By The Bell’ on Netflix I wonder to myself, what exactly could have happened to the characters of the show.

Zack and Kelly got married at nineteen while still in college. Today they’d be 41 and still married – happily, even after twenty-two years of marriage. We’d assume after the marriage they had so much sex they went through thirteen beds – so we are looking at at least one kid probably around the age of 19, and we’re going to assume it’s a boy, Zack Morris Jr. Not only did he take after his dad in looks he also took after his attitude, and scheming ways but lucky for him, his principal in High School would of course be an old Mr. Belding (who is still married to his loving wife and raising their wonderful child.)

I don’t believe they ever actually specified what they were in college for so we’re going off of how they were in high school. Kelly, would of course be a middle school English teacher. She loved helping and has a soft spot for children. Zack would be iffy – having not really done much in high school we are going to assume he done something where he could spend more time with his wife. Principal. After college Zack and Kelly moved back to their home town where Zack would be the vice principal underneath Mr. Belding until he retired and Zack becoming full fledged principal.

AC Slater after college became a professional football player having all of his dreams come true until in 2004 when he was hit awkwardly on the football field breaking his left leg, arm, and messing up his face that he was unable to go back.

He married his college sweat heart in 1999 and have three children, two boys (born: 2001 & 2003) and a girl (born: 2004). Everything was picture perfect for AC, even after getting a job at Bayside as the coach for football and track, until his wife decided his cheating ways were enough – taking the children and leaving. AC didn’t put one and one together, claiming he wasn’t cheating, until he spoke to Zack and he explained that he’s been having a silent affair with Jessie since Zack and Kelly’s wedding.

AC fought the notion for two years after his wife left stating that he wasn’t having sex with a woman that lived in another complete state. Kelly informed him that sex isn’t the only way to cheat that his incessant need to talk to Jessie daily, about work, his life, dreams and family is just as bad as if he had had sex with her.

Jessie through AC’s life for a loop when she showed up for the wedding in ’94, as they had been apart for a few years and hadn’t seen each other. They both realized just how much they cared for each other and wanted to stay in touch. Through the years they lost touch and regained touch many times before AC was married and they both decided friendship is all they’d want. Jessie was never married – at least to another human. She ended up “marrying” her work and became the CEO of one of the largest banks in California history.

After AC’s wife left Jessie got the nerve and discussed with AC about him moving to be with him and them having a future together. As much as it appealed to him her lifestyle wasn’t something he had in mind and decided to stay at Bayside beside Zack and Kelly.

Lisa lived her dreams. After attending college at FIT she started her own fashion line becoming the top selling brand worldwide. Between the ages of 25 and 33 she had found herself married and divorced three times, and having three children (a girl, Kristine, b. 2000, a boy, Michael James, b.2002, & a girl, Jordyn, b. 2003.)

Screech is probably the one that would shock and awe many people. He didn’t find a life like the rest. He was never married and never had children. After college everyone went their separate ways hoping to fulfill a life they all dreamed about. Screech, however, didn’t. He applied at many jobs from flipping burgers to being a top member of a popular I.T. company in California. However, sadly, everyone seemed to give him the same answer – that he was overqualified for the job. Basically he was worth more than they wanted to pay.

Depression, for him, sunk in quickly when he realized at the age of 30 he was still living in his parents basement. Drugs and alcohol became his best friend until his mother phoned Zack, because she was so worried about Screech, and explained to him what was going on. Zack spoke to the school board and was happy to tell Screech that there was a job, as a science teacher, open for him and being held. All he would have to do is accept.

Mr. Belding continued to be principal at Bayside until retiring at the age of 53 in 2008 leaving the ranks to Zack (who was only 34.) After retiring he chose to be a homebody working on outside products and actually being able to enjoy watching television.

Tori, for anyone that remembers her, graduated with part of the crew. After graduation she went on to college, more than likely out of state, and while there realized that the living a lie must stop. After the off & on relationship with Zack Morris in high school she realized she never dated a guy again. Instead, she finally realized that her heart was meant for women, and while in college met the love of her life and to this day – living happily together.

The two women together have adopted three children and live on a farm in Wisconsin.

But then again… I could be wrong on everything.

Are we enablers?

Tonight on my way home from work I began wondering if I am an enabler for behavior I don’t agree with. Do I, without realizing it, tell people that I am okay with them treating other people horribly and without any care whatsoever? What gives me the right to ever let someone sit somewhere and bash another person without telling them to stop and think about this first?

I am a listener. I have been since I can remember. I want people to be happy and I figure that if I listen to them rant, rave, and complain that somewhere they will just automatically turn happy. However, I’m not happy. Through this whole process that I’m holding their hand for, I’m not happy. I’m not happy listening to grown adults trash talk one another over which one took the last piece of college rule lined paper from the bigger desk. I’m not happy as I sit there, in my chair at work, and listen to women, who happen to be older than me, call someone else an ugly whore with no morals. I’m not happy when I listen to two women sit across from one another screaming obscenities over some of the dumbest reasons.

Now I wonder, if all of these times I sit there and allow them to rant to me about other people, am I enabling them to treat people like crap? Am I telling them this behavior is okay and they should continue doing it?

The biggest thing I have been toying with is – would it stop if I were to tell them I refuse to enable a behavior i don’t agree with? Just tell them no, I refuse to listen. Would that make them realize that the way they are treating people is wrong and they should seriously rethink their strategy?

Writing. Novel. “Frost”….

After two years of writing I finally finished the rough-ruff (yes, that’s exactly how I have decided to spell it) of my novel “Frost”. I have been waiting patiently for the day I was able to say that, but now that I am & have, I’m a little on the scared side. When you’re writing it it’s still a secret in your mind. Planning out everything & then putting them to words. The moment you’re able to tell people that you’re done and on to the editing process people get excited.

But now I go into the editing process I wonder to myself, “is this going to be any good?” I’m trying so hard not to toss it into the trash and running away like a coward but it’s extremely hard.

After I finished the rough-ruff draft I decided to sit and scan the whole story – basically rereading what I had forgotten that I had wrote. To me, yes, I still find a few clever things I had written and I got all excited. But then I wonder, do I find it clever and good because I wrote it? Or do I find it good because it’s actually good. My wondering mind seems to go all over the place – crazily. Maybe I should stop wondering.

Either way I have been working way too long just to throw it away, so that’s not an option. I’m going to continue and I’m going to edit, etc, until I am completely satisfied with what I have written, even if it turns out to be complete crap. Then one day – hopefully, get published. Maybe. I might just keep my first novel in a box in the back of my closet and let it collect dust.

New Things.

I realized the other night, while trying to make dinner, that I am in a rut. A cooking rut. I never thought that was actually a thing. But apparently it is. And I am in it.

Trying to find new things to make is actually more complicated than I thought. Mostly because everything anymore had like cups beyond cups of red or white wine – I don’t keep any form of alcohol in the house. Maybe I should start? I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I even know where to buy red or white wine.

The new recipe trend started a few weeks ago when I attempted to make chicken enchilada’s. Turned out really well – the boyfriend really enjoyed it. Or at least that’s what he said. I’m still curious if he’d even tell me the truth if I made something that was horrible.

I have a made a few other things. One night I made alfredo sauce from scratch, & made a crock pot roast. Both seemed to turn out good. Sadly, I didn’t picture of the take either of those. Just know one looked like alfredo sauce & the other looked like a roast. I can find pictures randomly on the internet if it’ll make this post better.

Last night I decided to make a Rachel Ray recipe I came across through facebook, Lasagna Sloppy Joes.

The sauce itself was good other than I couldn’t get it to thicken. I wonder if it’s because she used wine & I did not. But everything else I substitute wine for something else seems to work. But this, wouldn’t thicken. Maybe I did something else incorrect, I was really tired and was thinking about sleep, but I feel like I did it right. That, & my town grocery store does NOT sell cibata rolls, so I had to buy the frozen ones and it’s all I could taste was the bread itself. Then of course that bread was hard. So mental note: Do not use frozen cibata bread. Go to a bigger store next time.

Tonight, since it’s bowling night for me, I’m thinking about making a slow cooker Chinese meal. I found a recipe for General Tso’s, but I’m nervous as crap for that. White person attempting Chinese food. Mexican’s do it well – but I’m not that either. That was funnier in my head than in print.

General Tso’s and sesame noodles seems to be a good way to start cooking Chinese food. Don’t ya think?

Quote of the Day.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!
Audrey Hepburn

Happy Mother’s Day!

I have spent 11 mother day’s without my mother. So today, instead of being sad, I figured I’d tell a story about her.

There were many years, fifteen worth, of stories to tell about her. All different but alike in the same. My mother was my best friend. The only person on the planet who I could tell anything to && not be afraid of their reaction. I always found myself going with her to work, mostly because I couldn’t find many reasons not to. On day, early morning hours where dew was still on the grass and fog hovered over the trees, I was with her. At this particular job she was a morning cook &&& opened the cafe. Every morning was the same thing, I’d fall asleep on the top of the freezer while she made homemade biscuits. This day started out no different than any others except I didn’t go to sleep. That morning I decided that I would keep my mother company, pulled up a seat, and sat there talking.

In the middle of a conversation I heard banging on the back door. My mom told me to open it, it was more than likely the lady that comes in after my mom to help finish prepping breakfast. As I made my way to the back door I stopped and thought about this for a moment. I was there every morning, even when the co-worker showed up, and never did her knocking sound like this. I turned &&& told my mom I was a little afraid of opening it. My mom pulled me back && decided I was correct, instead, she called the police.

That particular day a man was banging on the back door trying to get in because someone was literally beating the snot out of him. If I had opened that door they would have been on top of me.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mothers out there. I hope you get a chance to spend it with your children and enjoy your day. For y’all of you out there who no longer has their mother – share a story. Put their life out there so everyone can enjoy just how wonderful your mother was or is.

♥♥♥

Admit & Correct.

This post was originally wrote November 05, 2013.

I sat here tonight and cleared out my computer.

For almost five years I have not had internet and rarely ever used my computer. Only doing small things: playing games or using it to write. A few months after I moved into the house I live in now, I hooked up my computer and it wouldn’t turn on. That’s always a sad moment for someone who used to live on their computer. Then I think about how much music and writing I have saved on this and the moment becomes even sadder. So, I unhooked my desktop and put it away – hoping one day I might figure out how to fix it. Last week my brother came and got my desktop and fixed it – sending me a picture message while at work proving that it was on.

I am not sure if I have been that excited in a while.

I finally hooked it up and turned it on. Then sat here and deleted everything that I no longer have the use for. I removed quite a bit from my computer. Three different messengers (MSN, AIM, & Windows), games that I have played & won many times (leaving only three games left: Supermarket Mania, Farm Frenzy 1 & 2, & Hotel Mogul.

It was so many years and days I spent on the internet when I lived with my dad that I feel like I have completely erased that side of me. I think about it, every now and then, of how many years I spent in front of a computer. That when my Dell went out a few years ago I freaked! Not honestly because I lost all my music – I could get that again – or the writing I had – none of it was finished – but because I couldn’t spend my life sitting in front of it eating as much as I could put in my mouth. I have wondered how I allowed myself to do that. Even though the internet obsession began when I was 13 and ended when I no longer had the internet (19 years old) it seems like a part of me that I need to put to rest. Finally be done with it.

I had made a whole new me. A better me. I went by a fake name, fake looks, and fake hobbies. I made things up so much that, for the longest time, I honestly believed it. Until I looked into a mirror and realized that it was nothing but lies. It was so nice to be able to sit around and have conversations with people about everything, from politics to music. I enjoyed the people so much that they became all I ever thought about. (I have often wondered what ever happened to those people. The friends I made all of those years hiding out.)

I have sense been in contact with friends I had before that happened & they all ask me the same thing “where have you been? “ Truth is, I was here. I was living in my hometown until I was sixteen & then only moved twenty minutes away. I was not able to be found on MySpace (when it was popular) or FaceBook because I used my ”fake” name. Fact: my FaceBook is still under my fake name. That’s why no one can find me unless we’re mutual friends with people.

I wonder a lot, sitting here today, if it was a down spiral after losing my mother. I was fifteen when that happened and after that never came out. I never surfaced again until I was 23 when my dad passed away. Why then? I am not sure. But I do know that I got back in contact with friends from high school, and I leave my house. I have a job (didn’t back then and when I did only lasted about six months before I quit, leaving myself back into the internet) that I enjoy more than anyone could imagine. I began writing again – almost finished with the rough draft of my novel. I have a cell phone & that might seem strange to admit, but I didn’t have a phone when everyone else did. Because I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to be left alone with my food and computer.

I found it a big step when I made my twitter account & used my name @HightowerBarb. (Follow me. *winks*)

Will I delete my FaceBook & make a new one finally, making it public, and letting people know how and what I’m up to? That’s the biggest question for me right now & I’m not sure yet. Finally getting under my name on everything will be something I didn’t think I would do when I was younger.

Will I go back to those ways once I get the internet back (will have it about three weeks after I wrote this), or will I continue with the life I’ve made in the last two years?

Will the internet seem as great as it did, not even, six years ago?

This was an issue I had for many years and I decided last year that the only way I could fix my problems and live the life I want – achieve the things I want in life – is to admit & correct. I guess that’s what I feel like I’m doing right now. Admitting it so I can correct it.

I have admitted to having a lot of problems in the last few years and I haven’t had as many issues. Life seems better and the sun seems brighter. (Even as corny as that sounds.)

I guess only time will tell just how much I have changed and how many things I won’t let affect the way I live and act. I’m just hoping for the best – and hopefully I will finally be able to be the person – completely – that I have always dreamed about being. Intelligent. Happy.

For now, though, I’m happy with being content.