Procrastination.

What is something you’ve been procrastinating with that you can no longer put off?

I’m a huge procrastinator – so it’s not hard to believe that I have put a lot of things off. But one thing in particular I’ve been thinking about since 2021 – since my health decided to decline, but not too terribly. I’m still living && not dying any time soon.

However. As a reasonable person, I do realize if I don’t do something now, it won’t be like that. I’m staring down the barrel of a 45, not literally, but I am.

I think I’ve talked about it before a couple of times where I was thinking about doing it. I’m done thinking. It’s time to git’r’done.

My procrastination is about weight loss surgery.

I put it off because I’m actually terrified to do it. But most of the fears are dumb – big head little body. Losing too much weight. The surgery not working && I’m back to where I started. Those fears. But the upside to doing it is a lot better than the silly fears I have.

Boyfriend asked me to marry him on my birthday. I said yes. How can I look into the future with him like that if I don’t do something about my health? I refuse to force him to bury another girlfriend before he is 40. I refuse to force my brother to bury me before we’re 40. I refuse to force my friends to bury another person before we are 40 – just because I can’t control my weight.

Even pulling off the weight I do still have health issues. Kidney issues. Heart issues. But I know that if I pull off this weight that a lot of it will get a teeny bit better. I need a better relationship with myself before I can expect everyone else to have it.

So 2024 will be the year of me. I will get back into the groove for the surgery and pull this weight off. That way I can live a bit longer than most expect. Plus. I’m 36 years old && I’ve never seen the world as a thinner person. The smallest I can remember being was in high school – I weighed 205 pounds. Doesn’t sound a lot? I’m 5’2″. 205 pounds would be great if I was 5’7″ or taller. But I’m short. And round.

Here’s to finding out what Barb looks like thin. Hopefully it’s not scary!

Mistakes.

What mistake do you vow never to repeat again?

I’m not sure why this is even a question. If it’s a mistake, and I made it, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to repeat it again. Any of them.

Mistakes are hard to admit when you’re not sure if it was a true mistake. Maybe I did some things I’m not proud of – but wouldn’t those things just make me who I am?

Dropping out of high school was a mistake.
Not going back to college was a mistake.

But not going for what I truly want out of life due to being afraid is a mistake. One I shouldn’t have ever made. Probably the hardest one. && no, I won’t make it again.

This one is short, but I don’t have many words to go along with the question. So we’ll just end it here.

Have a great night! I’ll see you tomorrow.

Lottery Winnings.

Daily writing prompt

What would you do if you won the lottery?

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Boyfriend && I daydream about this a lot. What would we do if we won?

First, of course, is to pay off the house. Mostly so I can get another one. We got shafted hardcore when we bought this house. The two ladies that lived here, who sold it to us, lied about everything. Every. Single. Thing. I’m not a violent person, but I’m pretty sure if I seen them again I’d punch them in the nose. A part of me hopes they read this. So they know how pissed off I am about this house.

So we’ve paid off the house. Bought a new one. Now I’m going to pay off debts. The debts I have gotten because my job, for 11 years, didn’t pay me enough to live comfortably. So now I have things I pay off monthly, so the raise they gave me last year kind of disappeared because that raise is now paying off debts. Which is why I secretly dream about being able to make money off my blog. But that’s for a different day. So credit cards, loans, && the one car we are still paying on. Paid off.

Then I’d buy my brother a house. His dreams was always to buy a large plot of land, put two houses on it, and him && I live on it together. I realized the other day I wouldn’t be able to leave where I live right now. I like the location hate the house so staying here isn’t a huge problem. But I realized that I would have to catch thousands of cats && take them with me. I wouldn’t be able to just leave them. Even the strays. Plus, Baby && Milo, the two cats we lost last year, they are buried here. I won’t leave me alone. Again.

Food truck. That’s next on the list. Told Boyfriend, the first thing on my list is a food truck plus a large truck to pull it. (I asked him the other day what is the first thing he’d want to buy. We actually bought a lottery ticket – but of course – we didn’t win. He said he’d want a better car. Nothing crazy, just something that wouldn’t fall apart on us as fast as the two we have now. But I want my food truck. Or the log building at the end of my road. I’d take that for a café.

After that. I really want to give money to our town. I’d love to redo the town park. Update the toys, repave it.. maybe add a splashpad for the summertime. Possibly buy a piece of land && open a pool – if the town didn’t disagree with it. I would also love to open a cat sanctuary. I know that sounds weird – but there isn’t any. They have places to take dogs, rabbits, pigs, etc. but no one has anything that takes cats. Pounds take cats. Then kill them. I don’t want all the cats on the planet to die. So we figured why not?

It’s nice to dream about it though. Dream about what I could do to help. I’m telling you, I’d be a fantastic rich person. I’d probably be so fantastic that I’d eventually be poor again. I told Boyfriend to be honest I don’t need millions of dollars. I just need about $500,000 && I’d be set for life. Well, not life. But I could get a new house and pay off debts. If I did that I would be great. Then I could look into the future smiling.

I still do my joke though. Telling people if every person who comes across me cashapp’d me one dollar. Just one single dollar. I’d eventually get to the amount I really needed. $HightowerBarb *winks* I did it a couple weeks ago && got 4$. Plus, my theory – most people can give someone a dollar without batting an eye. It’s simple and most don’t think about a dollar. Has it worked? No. Not in the least.

Chapter Three.

What did you learn from last year?

People ask questions like this for insight, to make things sound better than they did the year before. I”m not sure I’m that inquisitive.

2023 sucked. I think it sucked for everyone one way or another.
Mine sucked because I had a lot of heart ache. It was the year anniversary of my best friends death. She died in July of 2022, but I felt the year aftermath. I buried my cat, which to a lot doesn’t mean much. But the end of March will always be a sad time for me because that cat was… I’ve always made fun of people (to myself not to them) when they tell me that their cat or dog is like a child to them. Until Dotty was born. Dotty was… Right now I’m looking down the barrel of that year aftermath && I know when March gets here it’s going to hurt just as much as it did in 2023 when I found her.

But at the same time, 2023 was great!
I got a raise at work. If I didn’t have debts before the raise because I couldn’t afford to live beforehand, the raise would be great.
I got engaged to Boyfriend. Planning on doing that in 2025.

But did I learn anything?

I would love to say that I learned a bunch. That I went on some soul searching journey && found the meaning of life. Or that I realized what was missing in my life. Or something huge && big.

All I realized is that I only read seven books this year, and one of them that I thought I read was actually in 2022. I also realized that I haven’t written anything since I finished Frost && that’s been at least three years.

Maybe 2024 will be the year I actually learn something? Or realize something? Or feel something I haven’t felt before.

Making Excuses.

What do you want to be different about this year?

While wandering around Wal-Mart in their tiny book section I came across “A 6 Tear A Day Memory Journal”. It has lined pages and each day has a new question to answer. I have had it for a couple months && I’ve been waiting for January 1st so I could actually start answering them. So that’s what I’m doing. I started yesterday && every day I’m going to answer the question for that day.

What do I want to be different about this year? That could go many directions but to be honest, I’d really just like to stop making excuses && actually jump out the window into the pouring rain && never look back.

When it comes to losing weight, I have excuses.
When it comes to writing more, I have excuses.
When it comes to following my dreams, I have excuses.

I’m pretty sure I’d have an excuse for any && everything you might wanna send my way. But I’m tired of trying to think of excuses as to why I can’t do something. Starting now, I’m done with that. I’m either going to do it or not do it. There’s going to be no more I’d write more if I had something to write about. No more, I’d lose weight if I could find the time to exercise. No more I can’t follow my dreams because my dreams are dumb.

Sitting here today do I know that stopping the excuse making will help me achieve anything that I want? No.
Will it help? Probably not.
But at least this way, I can say I gave it my all && didn’t make an excuse as to why it didn’t happen.

Happy New Year!

What is your number one New Years Resolution?

My New Year resolution doesn’t really change much. But it ranges. One year it’ll be to write the next great American novel. The next year it will be to lose weight. The next will be back to writing & then to losing weight. It’s a back and forth battle I’m probably never going to win.

2020 was to lose weight.
2021 was to write more.
2022 was to lose weight.
2023 was to write more.
2024, back to losing weight.
2025 – will be to write more.
See how that works?

Maybe this year I just need to say both – lose weight && write more.

I have been watching sitcoms lately that have already finished. No longer airing. Right now I’m on Mike & Molly && a part of me is jealous of the decision that Molly made. For anyone who didn’t watch it, she was a teacher for ten years. During a state standardized test she flipped a switch – crawled out of her classroom window && into the rain – telling her students to never stop dreaming. That’s the day she walked away from her career to make writing her full time job. Has she been having ups and downs? Thinking she wasn’t good enough? Looking into other jobs – driving instructor, forklift driver. Well yes.. But a small part of me wishes I could just crawl out a window at work and into a rainstorm and never look back. But sadly, my job has no windows && I can’t just quit my job because I need the income that being a full time unpaid writer wouldn’t give me.

But at the same time, of course, I wonder to myself – would I be okay without working? I took two weeks vacation in November && by the end of it I was pretty grumpy. I’m not sure if it’s because of me not going to work or if it’s because most of it I was alone because Boyfriend was still going to work – he didn’t have the vacation time to take off like I did.

In conclusion to my rambling. 2024’s main goal is to lose weight. The minor goal is to write more. The smallest of goals (say that in your head with a squeak to your voice) is to become a paid writer of sorts. It can even just be a blog writer. I’ll be okay with that. && be able to crawl out of my works window, into the pouring rain, and never look back.

More Books.

List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?

Gabriel’s Inferno” by Sylvain Reynard
I have read books that I stop && think oh wow, that’s a good book. Then I have read books that I thought this isn’t very good. When I first came across “Gabriel’s Inferno”, I had just finished reading “50 Shades of Grey” (which I found out about because of Ellen D. && her talk show where she was talking about someone reading it on a plane, it’s not as funny written in words, but trust me, it was a great moment.) && I was looking for another book to read in that genre, or close to it. Keep in mind one thing, I had never read “smut”, “mommy porn”, “erotica” in my life. I was never interested, until I read “50 Shades of Grey”, which I guess a lot of woman can say that. When I first found “Gabriel’s Inferno” I got a clip of it on my Kindle to see if liked it before I actually bought it. I tried to read it and was unable. So I read a few of Sylvia Day’s books – in the same genre.

After a while of it sitting on my kindle I gave it another try – which is where my obsession with Sylvian Reynard began. When I finally sat down and read the book I realized I had been missing out on so much. I tend to read books that I feel are in my “IQ Range” and I felt that his books, all of his books, are way above my IQ. (I’m not as smart as people think I am.) I think it’s half the reason I was so hesitant to read it. But lord, let me tell you, when I finally did read it and got into it. It’s like the heaven’s opened up and I was in love.

I know a lot of people that have read this series && they all basically say the same thing: “it’s great”, “wonderfully written”, “I’m obsessed”, “I need to know who the author is”, “did he put himself into it”… it goes on & on. I read to escape, and when I first read this book I was single, and lonely. It’s like the book gave me a friend for a while. I have read that series multiple times and I will probably read it again & again.

I know this much, I’m not sure if anyone has ever said this about a book, but I’m a closet writer. (What?! Who wouldn’t have known.) But when I get into a writing slump I will pull his books out && read them. Those books give me the oompth I need to write something. It’s something small, but it’s huge for me. I hope Sylvian Reynard knows that when he wrote that series he wrote a masterpiece for some.

I know it said “book” && I did write the first one as my first book, but if you read the first you HAVE to read the whole series. Trust me on that.
“On Writing” by Stephen King.
I know this seems like a weird choice for most people. But for me it helped me in ways I wasn’t sure it would have. I bought this book because I googled books about writing a writer should read. I purchased this one and one other, that I can’t remember the name of so that says something.

When I started reading this book I was trying to keep an open mind but what was I going to learn from Stephen King? At the time of buying it I was having issues with my writing. I have written one book from start to finish && I’m not sure I even like it anymore. When I thought of the idea I was all for it but as I began writing && having trouble && having people tell me I can’t write the way I write, I realized it wasn’t fun anymore. So I hadn’t written in a while at that point.

But as I read through this book I realized that some of the things I did while writing he said it was okay. I know it’s silly to go off of one writers words, but he knows something about it, doesn’t he? I continued to read through the book and I put sticky notes through out it && I highlighted things I wanted to remember.

I have always lived with the thought that your writing must be in your voice. That way you live && the way you talk. But I have had people that attempt to correct everything that is my voice, so I started to believe it and was attempting to write in a more “smart way”. Using a thesaurus to find bigger words for the small ones I use, and using one word instead of a whole sentence. But then – when I read this book I realized that I was right. I need to keep the words to what I say and how I say it. How will people believe I’m the one that wrote it if I don’t speak the same way?

On page 174, hit me like a ton of bricks. I have trouble describing characters. I can see them in my head very well, but when I go to describe them in words, it’s as if words fail me. On this page of his book it helped me a lot:

“I’m not particularly keen on writing which exhaustively describes the physical characteristics of the people in the story and what they’re wearing (I find wardrobe inventory particularly irritating; if I want to read descriptions of clothes, I can always get a J. Crew catalogue). I can’t remember how many cases where I felt I had to describe what the people in a story of mine looked like-I’d rather let the reader supply the faces, the builds and the clothing as well. If I tell you that Carrie White is a high school outcast with a bad complexion and a fashion-victim wardrobe, I think you can do the rest, can’t you?”

Summing this up because I could talk forever – this book helped me realize that my writing isn’t as bad as some people like to tell me. && using smaller words, because that’s how I talk, isn’t a bad thing. That I can go without a full description of characters, leaving something to imagination, if I want to. It made me realize that I need to stop beating myself up everything I attempt to write something just because one person tells me I can’t do that. Plus, he didn’t like his first book either. So there’s that.
We will leave this one blank for now…
I know I have talked about a lot of different books. They all mean something to me in one way or another, but to have an impact on me I feel like I shouldn’t question it at all. I was thinking through the books I have read, and I can question all of them, minus the first two.

So for now, I’ll leave the third blank. I’ll be able to fill the slot one day. So many more books to read.

Books & More Books.

Do you remember your favorite book from childhood?

I’m not sure I read as much as I wish I had growing up, especially as a child. I did read – free pizza’s, come on. We all read. But I’m not sure I read enough when I didn’t have to be reading.

But I remember in the 9th grade borrowing a couple books from a friend: “The Silver Kiss” && “Blood & Chocolate” both by Annette Curtis Klause. && I remember those two books being really prominent in my world. It’s actually what got me reading books about vampires and werewolves.

I remember trying to find a quiet place when I was reading “Blood & Chocolate” – I ended up in my brothers room. It was the farthest room from everything && he was rarely home. I remember laying in his bed, head buried deep into the story, until my dad came looking for me. He found me && when he said my name it scared the crap out of me! I jumped, threw the book, && yelped.

Since then, however, I have found books that I enjoy much more. They usually aren’t about vampires or werewolves, and are usually considered romance. But for Little Barb – “The Silver Kiss” && “Blood & Chocolate” was it.

Social Media.

How do you use social media?

I wish I could say that I use social media for a living, making money, working from home. But I can not say that.

I use social media mainly for entertainment. So let’s break down each one:

TikTok : I used to watch this every Sunday night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep after working all weekend. However, lately, I have not been watching it as often. Somehow I got on the wrong side of TikTok && I don’t really like the videos that pop up. I like the funny animals, dancing, funny skits, && food videos. That’s what I had. That’s what I liked. Somehow, I got it all jacked up && now it shows unfunny, sad, and political videos and I don’t wanna. I have uploaded a couple videos on there trying to be funny – I’m not as funny as I am made to believe. I also have a couple cooking videos, but I don’t really know how to use it.

Facebook: I use this to keep up with family && friends. I did make a Facebook page for a “business”, however, it hasn’t really gotten any traction, no matter what I write, or try to do. So there’s that. At least I haven’t deleted it yet.

Instagram: …I’m not sure why I ever really downloaded it or made an account. I mostly upload pictures of my cats or food. Remember me saying that I was attempting to break out into the food world? Yeah, that’s my attempt at it so far. It’s not working either. I try to upload daily, but sometimes I just don’t have anything to post.

&& then of course THIS … I’m not sure if you’d consider this site “social media”, but I do know that people make a living out of blogging. && I have stated in the past, in one of my long winded, boring posts that my dream is to be a traveling food blogger. Not one of those annoying ones that wants everything for free, but a good one, an interesting one. But to do that, I must blog more often. Which is what I am using these topics for. Trying to blog more often.

So yeah, I don’t utilize social media like I probably could / should. But I have things. I post on things. But that’s it. I’m just another anonymous person behind a phone / computer screen that doesn’t do anything worth anything.

Sorry – I’m in a mood tonight && I blame people on the phones in the last couple of days. I won’t go into it but I would like to say that when you’re on the phone you don’t have to be rude && yes, my job requires me to use the phone, 8 – 12 hours a day, four days a week && I’m never THAT rude. So I’m going to take my cranky self away from this computer && just ignore my phone for the next few hours. ((I can’t say days, I go back to work tomorrow.))

To Vote, or Not To Vote.

Daily writing prompt

Do you vote in political elections?

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To be honest, I wish I did.

I’m turning 36 this year. I feel like most people have already gotten to the point where they have opinions, thoughts, etc. on political things. I don’t. I don’t know what I’m looking for, or listening for, or what I’m supposed to understand when politicians speak. I don’t know what makes one better than the next && I don’t know how to know the differences.

I try to have conversations with people around me about some of the topics that politicians talk about, but all it does it anger people around me when my opinion’s don’t mix with theirs. I didn’t grow up in the times with a lot of the people around me – they are either twenty to thirty years older than me or way younger. So that leaves me in the middle.

I don’t have any opinions or wants or likes with people younger than me. Nothing. I have yet to find anything they say remotely amazing.

But at the same time, for the ones who are older than me, I don’t find that I agree with them too much either. Some of their thoughts, yes, but most of them are living in a time that no longer exists – but I don’t agree with the time we are in now. A lot of what the older generations lived for / with – I do think some of it should come back but at the same time I don’t think all of it should still be here.

I don’t know, maybe my thoughts and feelings and such just don’t have a reason to be in conversations with people around me.

I do make jokes a lot about being a 40 year old white male republican. There may be some truth in that somewhere.