Tag: Christmas

Today – I’m sad.

When I was fifteen, I lost my mother.

When I was twenty-four, I lost my father.

I’m now thirty-four && I still have a void inside of I can’t fill. I still ache to the core && it’s really bad around the holidays. I try not to dwell too myself on how I feel && keep it more bottled up than anything.

However, today I’m sad.

I’m sad because lately I have been extra grumpy while trying to get everyone around me in the holiday spirit.

I’m sad, because I can’t let myself be fully happy because then I feel guilty.

I’m said, because I feel…

I have a million things going on inside of me all the time, I can’t seem to collect myself enough to move on. I was told that time heals all wounds, which is true, I guess, but what happens when the wound is on the soul? The heart? When I found out about my heart issue my first thought was “well, I’ve been through so much pain, it’s probably sad.” Who thinks like that?

I bottled up my emotions for so long, pretending to be happier than I am, sometimes I think I forgot how to just be sad. Because when I start going I get irritated because I shouldn’t still be sad? It’s been nearly 20 years. Shouldn’t I be used to this? Shouldn’t I be okay with seeing people with their parents? Shouldn’t I be okay?

Shouldn’t I be okay?

Traditions.

Lately my mind as been extremely negative.

So much that The Boyfriend has been asking me why I’m so negative && I’m not one hundred percent sure why. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t noticed that I’m a little on the extra side right now. I’m trying so hard but at the same time my spirit is just gone.

I wanted to try && cheer myself up by writing about holiday traditions. If I have written about this in the past, I apologize, hopefully I don’t look like a complete idiot && say something that I didn’t the first time, but I don’t think I have, so there’s that.

First, I would like to admit that I don’t remember many of my Christmases. My memory doesn’t work like most, and I have said it before that some things I remember either didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I remember it. The last Christmas I remember I was around eleven, maybe ten, I’m not sure. But I remember it was the last Christmas I spent with my grandmother.

Other than that, the only things I really remember is that I did celebrate Christmas growing up with my parents, I just don’t remember them. But I do remember the last few I have had. Like the first one with the Boyfriend. Although, that one isn’t as great of a memory as I wish. I had that planned out && knew it was going to be great! But with unforeseen circumstances, that Christmas was a bust because Boyfriend wasn’t at home on Christmas Day. He had to go do something that didn’t involve me, so I stayed at home – like I did for the next couple of Christmases when he had to go do something else. (I feel salty, but I’m not.)

I got over that.

The last few Christmases he has been home with me, so it’s made up for it.

Now, on to traditions. My mom loved Christmas – it was her favorite time of the year. She loved the tree (which she always wanted a solid white fake tree but was never able to get it. After she passed && I got older I began buying solid white fake trees for her, I felt as if it made her closer to me. I eventually stopped, mostly this year, I have a flocked tree, I believe that is what it’s called.) She loved the cooler weather, even if it doesn’t really get cold, she loved the lights, and the music && the food. Oh, she loved to cook for the family (even if I don’t remember it.)

A lot of her traditions I tried to keep going back as the years go on, I realize that I will never be up to par to my mom, but I’m pretty sure a lot of people say that. I remember that she would put the tree up Thanksgiving evening, && begin to buy presents. She would hide the gifts in her closet (which happened to be in my bedroom) && my brother && I would try to guess what was in the boxes – just like normal children. Sometimes, we would attempt to open the present && fix it before she noticed, but I don’t remember if we ever actually got into them or not.

Christmas Eve she’d have us go to bed super early && then would pull out the Santa Gifts, which were never wrapped, and put them out underneath the tree && fill our stockings with a bunch of great things. I can remember one year in my stocking was a ring, a tiny purple butterfly, I loved that ring, but I lost it. Sadly. That ring meant so much to me because I logically knew my mother picked it out. && anything my mother picked out, I loved. But that ring was something special for me.

Then Christmas Morning, my brother would always wake up first. He’d tiptoe into my bedroom && wake me up && we’d sneak into the living room && just sit in front of the tree until our mom && dad woke up. I know my mom enjoyed making a Christmas breakfast, but I don’t know if it was the day of or the day before.

My brother always says that our mom let us open on gift on Christmas Eve, but I don’t remember that. But I think that was him just trying to get me to let him open a gift.

After my mom passed away, I tried everything I could do keep the spirit for Christmas in the house, but I couldn’t, so I eventually just stopped trying. I know we always had a small tree, but it never felt right so that eventually just faded.

When my brother started dating older woman who had children, I attempted to make it feel festive for the kids. I hope I always did a good job, but for me, there’s always been something missing. When I lived alone, I bought a four-foot tree and decorated it && put up a stocking for myself. But I still felt like something was missing.

I am 34 now – I have no children – it’s just Boyfriend && Myself. When him && I first got together he said he came with children. That part perked me up thinking about all the holidays that I could make fantastic for them. I really thought it would help me find my groove && create my own traditions that they’d talk about even after I’m gone. Or tell stories to their friends or family about the nice things I did.

I still don’t have any traditions. I buy gifts for a few people. I put up a tree. I try to decorate outside (we got half the porch done this year.) I used to make a big dinner for Christmas, but I don’t have the spirit for that anymore either. I’m trying so hard – to the point that I wanted to leave for a vacation to a town that is known for Christmas so maybe I could find it.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year, but lately, I feel as if I am doing it all wrong && just making everyone’s life around me miserable. I feel like sometimes I force Boyfriend to buy me gifts && I force others around me to enjoy the holiday season because I feel like I should be – but I’m not.

This year has been extremely hard && I was hoping by November && into December that maybe my spirits would be up. But just a few moments ago I was thinking that I probably need to make a will – yes, a will. Just in case I die && there won’t be any issues when it comes to my stuff. Not that I have much. But what I do have I would want to go to specific people. Which this all makes me even sadder && more negative. Because I don’t want to think about death at 34, but it’s a realization I must come to terms with, because I have already tried to die once this year. Then all this talk takes my brain into a whole different topic.

I have been watching a lot of Christmas movies this year. Every year I buy Hallmark Movies Now && try to watch them. Last couple of years I didn’t really, but this year I have watched so many. Boyfriend && I sleep differently (he works nights && I work mornings) so when he is asleep, I’ll watch Christmas/Romantic movies. When I’m asleep he plays video games, lately it’s basically been Diablo 2.

I wanted to start a tradition where for Christmas Dinner Boyfriend && I go have Chinese (my favorite food), then go home && open gifts. Or even just go get the food, take it open, eat && open gifts while a corny Christmas movie plays in the background, like The Santa Claus. We did that last year on December 24th. We went to the next town over && dined in, eating Chinese before going home && opening gifts. it worked out well last year.

This year I have no idea what’s happening.

Dear Santa,

This year I don’t find myself wanting much.  Is “needing” a better word to use?  

I wanted to apologize for not writing as much as I should.  Even as young child, I always seemed to have other things to do.  I never seemed to write.  I feel horrible about that.  

Today I sit at my laptop and I write you a letter.  A letter basically saying I haven’t been ‘perfect’, but who has?  We all have our things that tear us away from what we want to be.  Words we choose to use.  Actions.  Dreams.  

We start every year with a resolution saying how we will be better to people than the year before.  But we don’t.  We never seem to do any better, no matter how hard we try.  This year I want to.  I want to write a letter to you next year at the time telling you all of the great things I chose to do instead of walking away.  Hiding and staying quiet.

This year, however, Santa I don’t deserve anything.  I haven’t lived up to the life that a person should.  I haven’t done anything great and I keep deciding to do the complete opposite of what I truly want to do.

Hopefully next year,

Sincerely,
Barbara

(Also, yes, I know that you know what my dream was about last night.  I can’t control those.  You should dream like that more often.  Maybe you wouldn’t eat so many cookies.)

Ghost of Christmas Past!

Daily Prompt:

What is your very favorite holiday? Recount the specific memory or memories that have made that holiday special to you.

* * * * 

Sleepy eyed I’m awaken by my brother.  I glance over at the clock, big red letters flashed, 6:30 am.  This was an every year thing.  Tim would quietly walk through the house to me and wake me up.  Him and I would then tip-toe into the living room, still in our pajama’s, sit in front of the Christmas tree Indian style.  We’d wait.

One particular Christmas, I remember, was the very last Christmas we spent with our grandmother – who shortly after had seven strokes, back to back, and was paralyzed.  An air mattress was laid out in the living room floor, on it laid my grandmother  and her boyfriend of fifteen years.  Excitement boiled within my brother and I that we couldn’t wait, we thought about making all kinds of noises to wake someone up.  Instead.  We waited.  Just like every year.

Sitting in front of the tree was a tan teddy bear with a red sweater.  I knew it was mine.  I wanted it.  I knew who it was from.  And I wanted it.  (I still have that bear and I was 11 when this Christmas happened.)

Every holiday is easily remembered, however I cannot recall everything.  Some of my memories of my childhood is blurred or isn’t remembered correctly.  

I can remember my last Christmas while my mother was still alive.  She was so excited about the present.  My mother decided that every year we’d get one big present, usually costing her over 100$.  A large box sat behind the tree with my name on the tag.  I had no idea what it was.  The morning when we opened it I pulled out every ‘Nsync doll, and the full collection of glass bobble heads.  That is all I wanted, nothing else meant as much as those dolls.  (I also still have those.)  I was 15. A few years ago, however, some kids broke into a shed my brother and I own, pulled out every single bobble head and destroyed them.  I cried.  I felt like I lost my mom all over again.  A week later my brother handed me the collection of bobble heads.  The day he realized they were broke he got onto Ebay.com and purchased them for me.  I was 24.

I can remember the last year I spent with my dad.  Not perfectly.  It was a bad year.  But I remember that I threatened to mush his food because he had a trek after having everything in his throat removed due to throat cancer.  I remember that night because of the fact he was there, and after that he lived a couple months before passing.  I was 23.

Last year my brother and I, (not a Christmas memory), went to Denny’s for dinner.  His wife and step-children went to her mothers and my brother had to work that day.  After he got home we got ready and had dinner together.  It doesn’t seem like much to a lot of people who I tell about it.  But after some of the past years, that was perfect.  Just my brother and me.  I was 25.

This year I am excited.  I’m hoping nothing horrible happens and we have a great day.  Of course, though, my brother has to work so we’ll have to wait until he gets off.  But either way I’m happy.  I’m ready.  Finished shopping for presents.  All I have to do is buy the dinner.  

The one thing I’m sure everyone noticed – the years I remember, are the last years I spent with certain people.  My grandmother.  My mother.  My father.  

I lost the spirit after my mother passed away and I’m just recently getting the urge to celebrate back.  Hopefully I keep the urge and it continues to grow.  However, I’m Santa Claus this year.  I have many stocking stuffers.