Break Me Off A Piece.

Do you need a break? From what?

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I just need a break from life. Not death. I don’t want to die. 💀 Just a break. A vacation from life, if you will.

Most like to say a break from work. Work is fine. It’s life. Or they’ll say family. I like my family. But sometimes a small break from life would be grand.

Not a forever break, of course. Just a few hours. Like sleep in the other room break. Go stay at my brother’s house sort of break. Go to the grocery store alone break. Read a long book in a room alone break. Play a video game without kids screaming your name break. (I have no kids, but you get it). Take a long rod trip with no destination break. Go to the movie theater and sit in the back break. Eat a whole box of popcorn break.

Just a break.

Places to see. People to do.

Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.

So I live in southern Oklahoma. So southern that I’m about 15 minutes from Texas. A short trip half way across a bridge – BAM! 💥 I am in Texas. In fact, I am closer to Denton, Texas than Oklahoma City and the same distance from here to Dallas and here to Oklahoma City.

My point?

I have never been to Six Flags over Texas. For the ones not from Oklahoma or Texas, that doesn’t seem like a big deal. However, if you’re from around here && I say that, it still shocks people.

Six Flags over Texas is one of those places people here get yearly passes. They go there all the time. Any chance they get.

Then there’s me. I have been to Walt Disney World in Florida – but not Six Flags. Go figure!

But let’s be honest. I haven’t been to a lot of places. Zoos. Aquariums. Museums. I don’t get out much. Even as a kid, I didn’t have friends that asked me to go places like that with them && my parents didn’t have the money to go.

As a kid I spent a lot of time with my mom – usually wherever she worked, you’d probably be able to find me. So going to places like that just didn’t seem like a big deal.

As an adult, I kind of wish I had gone. But who would I have gone with? && now, those places interest me, but I feel like I am too old. If I had children of my own, I could see going – but I don’t. I feel like those places (even thinking about going to Walt Disney World) are built and made for children to enjoy. Single adults can’t go by themselves.

I mean, yeah… I could “borrow” children from family. But isn’t that weird?

First and Foremost.

Write about your first computer.

I was twelve when we got the first family computer. So approximately 1999.

It wasn’t fancy, just an average white computer. 💻 I am pretty sure it was the same computer most families bought. Except for my best friend who had one of those clear backs with color made by McIntosh and sold my Apple – “iMac”. I was so jealous of her computer. I wanted one so bad! Hers was blue.

I do remember being fascinated by it. (Kind of still am fascinated by computers). It’s the reason I took computer classes in middle and high school. I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I took computers in college. && I’m pretty sure I can blame that, and my High School computer teacher, as to why I can type 100 words per minute.

We had dial up. So I always had to ask permission to get online. But at 12, I didn’t find much use online. My mom used it the most to talk to my cousin who lived in Michigan. They used to write handwritten letters to each other, then they got computers. (Well, sometimes they used a typewriter but mostly written by hand. *pretty sure that’s where I get my love of being a pen-pal).

I didn’t really get into computers – staying on them for hours and hours – until I was around 16. That’s when I dropped out of high school. That’s when I became a whole different person. Online I was the version of myself I always wanted to be. In person – most people didn’t know I still existed. *that’s more true than I’d like to admit*

I lived on the computer until I was in my early 20’s. After that I couldn’t figure out what I did online that took so much of my time. So much of my life. Now I will get on the computer for writing purposes (I also work with computers), or maybe to Google something. I am not on it very long – if I get on it.

Today I have a Dell computer that I bought off Amazon. It came with two monitors and a keyboard. The monitors didn’t work and the keyboard was trash. So I bought a monitor from Wal-Mart – it MIGHT be Samsung or an off brand something or another. The keyboard lights up and I bought it on New Egg. 🥚

Dear Teenage Barbara,

I know I’m starting this Bloganuary late – since today is the 25th – but I like the idea so I’m going to see how many I can write throughout the rest of the month. But you always start with the first one.

If I could give my teenage self any advice I would first tell her not to let people, including family, dictate what you can or what you can’t do. As a teenager I wanted to dance/sing. That’s all I ever thought about. But I let people convince me that as an overweight child/teenager, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I wouldn’t get picked. I couldn’t dance. I couldn’t do much. Who likes overweight dancers? I also let my weight stop me from playing soft ball because people told me fat kids can’t do that. I let my weight stop me a lot. I let other people tell me how good I was or wasn’t, && I let that be who I was. I would tell Teenage Barbara not to. Don’t let that happen. Don’t let the bullies && liars tell you that you’re worthless just because you’re not a size four.

I would tell her not to be scared. My life has been full of “what if’s” && a lot of them are because growing up I let fear rule me. I never actually tried doing anything as a child because my fear overcame every thought I may have had. If I could I would scream at her to do the things in life she wanted to do. Live life to the fullest && don’t let the fears tear you down.

I would tell her to not stand under the bleachers in eighth grade && cry over a boy that didn’t give two shits about her. That day is still imprinted in my mind. Because that’s the first && ONLY time I ever cried when it came to a guy. It’s also the day I stopped trying, caring, or wanting a boyfriend. That’s the day a guy, who didn’t have any feelings for me (friend or otherwise) crushed my soul. One guy. The only guy. Crushed every part of me that lived. && I stood in the dark, under the bleachers that he was sitting in, && cried. I would tell her to not let a guy, especially that guy, rule how she feels about herself or even other guys. I think he is the reason why I chose to be alone && never got close enough to a guy to let them hurt me. I didn’t feel anything for a guy again, like I felt for him, until Boyfriend. I would tell her a guy will come along && love her for who she is. Who will want to be with her. Be seen with her. Not hide her away. Will hold her hand in public. I would tell her to not stop but keep going. &&& please, for the love of God, stop crushing on the douche just because he’s cute.

I would tell her to dance in the rain. Walk barefooted through a field of wild flowers. Take pictures. Love like you’ve never loved before. Hold on to the memories. Learn to cook (because that’s going to be a passion). Don’t stop writing just because someone says it’s always dark. Realize a lot sooner in life that depression sucks, but you’ll find a way in the world with it. Cry. Laugh. Love. Feel deep for everything. && do not let anyone change who you are.

You are perfect.
You are who you were supposed to be.
You are who God designed.
You are you.
You are loved.
You are adored.
You are funny!
You bring light to the dark world && people love you for it.

I would also tell her there are people who will take all of this for granted. You won’t realize it for a while but when you do, it’ll make you a better person. You’re going to hate, and dislike so much. But in the same sense you’re going to see rainbows && unicorns when others see tornadoes and hurricanes.

The one thing I would tell her is to live the life that you’re proud of. Write the country song. Bake the cake. Never forget to tell people in your life that you love them. && when dark clouds come rolling in, try to find the positive and keep on a booking.

Heroic : My 5 Year Old Self.

Daily Prompt:

When you were five years old, who was your hero? What do you think of that person today?

When I think back on being younger most of it is a blur. Whether I it’s because I slept away the years or because it just simply faded, I rarely remember a lot of memories. But there is one thing I’ll never forget, even when I think back on my five year old self, my hero. There was always that one person in my life that made everything make sense. When I needed a shoulder to cry on they were always there and held my hand when I needed it.

My mother.

Over the course of my life my five year old self hero just became stronger. Everything she did I wanted to be there. I can remember, (this wasn’t at five more like fifteen) that she’d go to work and I’d literally go with her. Many days sitting around her place of employment just to spend time with her. The days I decided to stay home we’d call each other throughout the day.

At fifteen I lost my hero. We buried the only person in my life, at the time, that meant more to me than anything else. I placed her in the ground, exactly like she wanted to be. We left her in the ground nearly six hours away from where I live today and I let go of my hero & best friend.

Today I have often wondered if we would have had the normal “mother/daughter” fights that people go through. If her and I would have stayed close or I would have decided that we were too close and begin backing off. I have often wondered if her and I would still be talking, like we did then, and spend as much time together. Would I still think so high of her and her thoughts on how I should live my life, or would I think she butts in too much and start backing away?

I try and live my life the way she always wanted. Yes, I have had my stray moments. (Dropping out of high school. Not going to college until I was 23 years old & then flunking out of my fourth semester because I was overwhelmed. An emotional breakdown before I was 30.) I am pretty sure that I am nowhere near what she always wanted for me by the age of twenty-six. I’m working on that.

But there are small things. Tiny things she always put in my head that I have chosen to live life by. Mostly, treat people the way I want to be treated, (yes, my mother was more religious than me). But that is by far one of the best things to ever teach your child while raising them. Never settle in life for the smaller things. Always touch stars rather than a light bulb just because it’s easier. (I think she is half the reason I’m still single. I don’t want to ‘settle’. I want love & everything, or nothing at all.)

My hero wanted the best for me. Wanted to give me everything the world would let me have. But I wonder sometimes if some of the choices I’ve made in my life if she’d be disappointed. Is she looking down on me thinking how off track I’ve gotten. The day I got my first tattoo – did she shake her head? The day I got my second tattoo – did she sigh? The day I declared a life of loneliness, rather than settling for just anything – did she mutter cuss words? When I flunked out of college – was she disappointed?

I guess sometimes you just have to live life without knowing everything. For me, this is the one thing that I’ll never know. But I will live my life the way she wanted even with the days I decide to trip up a little and have to regain my footing. I know that I will have her on my side, even if she isn’t here with me physically. For me, that’s enough to keep going.

The Day Inspiration Struck Me ::

Daily Prompt :

Tell us about a time you’d been trying to solve a knotty problem — maybe it was an interpersonal problem, a life problem, a big ol’ problem — and you had a moment of clarity when the solution appeared to you, as though you were struck by lightening.

First I wouldn’t say it was a problem but I can remember a moment in 2012 when I was hit by “lightning”. Since I was 19, when I decided I wanted to write, I had been trying to figure out what I wanted to write a novel over. I have had many idea’s through the last few years and was never able to put the thoughts onto paper. In 2012 I was a step away from deciding that maybe – maybe – I am not supposed to write and was nearly ready to stop trying.

November 30, 2012 (yes, I can remember the date & place) I was sitting on my brothers couch visiting him and his wife when I felt like something hit me with what I was missing to finally write a novel. The story played through my mind like a movie. Frame by frame – perfectly. After finally coming back to reality I quickly left – not sure that I even said bye. I took off home (running across the street, I didn’t have far to go) and sat down at my laptop and for six hours, into December 1st, I wrote out the plan of the story. How it would start, what would happen throughout it, and how it would end. When I finished the outline I felt like I had accomplished something without actually accomplishing anything. I knew, from that day on, I’d have a rocky path ahead of me. Everyone’s first book is usually a long process and it can take a couple years.

I made myself a goal – one I sadly didn’t meet – that I would be completely done with the first draft a year after I started writing the book. I’m not sure if that was unrealistic, but I wanted that. However, now that it’s been a year and I am still working on the first draft I have accepted that. Not saying I honestly like it, but I’m okay with it. I suppose you cannot rush greatness! Eh.

Right now as I sit here typing this I have wrote the beginning and the end. The middle is giving me problems. My sandwich isn’t coming together very well – I am missing the bologna. Right now I have a dry cheese sandwich and I’m needing the rest. I’m on chapter twelve and I’m stuck. But I will finish this book. I have faith in myself. Especially now that I have accepted and decided that I need to write this for myself and not everyone else. This book is for me.

If You’re Reading This!

Daily Prompt:

You are the first astronaut to arrive on a new, uncharted planet. Write the note that you leave to those who come after you.

If you’re reading this I finally got off of this planet. Crashing sucks!

So here I sit writing a quick letter. Thank God I’m a writer & I actually carry it with me. I wanted to let someone know what’s it like on this planet so you’re prepared.

First, I didn’t even realize it was real. I’ve heard stories. But here it is. Water. Land. Beautiful. It’s great here. A part of me didn’t want to leave, but I miss family. Thinking about coming back.

It’s quiet here without anyone around. However, all the animals are great. Friendly. It’s perfect if you’re not a people person. It’s very green. I’m sure this is what Earth looked like before people. Before houses and roads. I hope you like to walk. There are not roads or vehicles. There are no houses – I hope you can build a fort.

I have never witnessed clear water like this planet. So clear I could see straight through to the bottom. It’s great. A taste I have never had splash across my taste buds. Drink it! You’ll see.

Signed – WhyHasn’tSomeoneFoundThisPlanet

Act of Kindness.

Daily Prompt :

Tell us about the time when you performed a secret random act of kindness — where the recipient of your kindness never found out about your good deed. How did the deed go down?

I sat here and thought about this prompt for a while. Mostly wondering if there was anything I ever did without the other person knowing. And I’m not sure I have. I don’t believe I have ever “secretly” done a good did.

I choose to live my life in a way where I am hoping that at least one person is happier. Letting people cross the street by holding up a line of cars. Leaving a quarter on a basket at Aldi’s (since you have to pay a quarter to use their basket). Saying hi to strangers. Smiling even when deep inside of me I’m crying. Giving to people anything I can give to them without leaving me on the street (because it’s not worth that. Honestly. *that’s me being yay me!*)

I’m the one who does the small things in life. Leaving notes for people inside of books at libraries or book stores.

I’m saddened, however, to know that I have never done anything without someone knowing I did it. Maybe I need to take a hard look at myself and start over.

Ghost of Christmas Past!

Daily Prompt:

What is your very favorite holiday? Recount the specific memory or memories that have made that holiday special to you.

* * * *

Sleepy eyed I’m awaken by my brother. I glance over at the clock, big red letters flashed, 6:30 am. This was an every year thing. Tim would quietly walk through the house to me and wake me up. Him and I would then tip-toe into the living room, still in our pajama’s, sit in front of the Christmas tree Indian style. We’d wait.

One particular Christmas, I remember, was the very last Christmas we spent with our grandmother – who shortly after had seven strokes, back to back, and was paralyzed. An air mattress was laid out in the living room floor, on it laid my grandmother and her boyfriend of fifteen years. Excitement boiled within my brother and I that we couldn’t wait, we thought about making all kinds of noises to wake someone up. Instead. We waited. Just like every year.

Sitting in front of the tree was a tan teddy bear with a red sweater. I knew it was mine. I wanted it. I knew who it was from. And I wanted it. (I still have that bear and I was 11 when this Christmas happened.)

Every holiday is easily remembered, however I cannot recall everything. Some of my memories of my childhood is blurred or isn’t remembered correctly.

I can remember my last Christmas while my mother was still alive. She was so excited about the present. My mother decided that every year we’d get one big present, usually costing her over 100$. A large box sat behind the tree with my name on the tag. I had no idea what it was. The morning when we opened it I pulled out every ‘Nsync doll, and the full collection of glass bobble heads. That is all I wanted, nothing else meant as much as those dolls. (I also still have those.) I was 15. A few years ago, however, some kids broke into a shed my brother and I own, pulled out every single bobble head and destroyed them. I cried. I felt like I lost my mom all over again. A week later my brother handed me the collection of bobble heads. The day he realized they were broke he got onto Ebay.com and purchased them for me. I was 24.

I can remember the last year I spent with my dad. Not perfectly. It was a bad year. But I remember that I threatened to mush his food because he had a trek after having everything in his throat removed due to throat cancer. I remember that night because of the fact he was there, and after that he lived a couple months before passing. I was 23.

Last year my brother and I, (not a Christmas memory), went to Denny’s for dinner. His wife and step-children went to her mothers and my brother had to work that day. After he got home we got ready and had dinner together. It doesn’t seem like much to a lot of people who I tell about it. But after some of the past years, that was perfect. Just my brother and me. I was 25.

This year I am excited. I’m hoping nothing horrible happens and we have a great day. Of course, though, my brother has to work so we’ll have to wait until he gets off. But either way I’m happy. I’m ready. Finished shopping for presents. All I have to do is buy the dinner.

The one thing I’m sure everyone noticed – the years I remember, are the last years I spent with certain people. My grandmother. My mother. My father.

I lost the spirit after my mother passed away and I’m just recently getting the urge to celebrate back. Hopefully I keep the urge and it continues to grow. However, I’m Santa Claus this year. I have many stocking stuffers.

A Letter:

Daily Prompt:

Who is the person in your life who can do no wrong? Describe this person and tell us why you hold them in such high esteem.

Dear Timothy,

There are not many people left that I truly cherish. We have been through a lot and every day we face more side by side. At times it feels like a dream, and we’re sucked into it. I feel, sometimes, if someone pinched us hard enough we’d wake up and we’d be 15 & 16 again. Back to reality. Back to the life we knew was ours.

We an Hansel & Gretel, if you will. A fairy tale brought to life. (I’ve been watching too much “Once Upon a Time.”)

I know that isn’t true. We aren’t dreaming. We are living life the way we are supposed to. However, my dear brother, I know there is so much more we have to face. Together.

I was asked today who is the most precious person in my life. The only person I could think of was you. You are everything in my life. If I ever lost you I have no idea what I would do. How I would go on.

You’ve always been the strong one. The one that isn’t afraid. That doesn’t shed many tears. Someone with a heart of gold, even if you decided to stop believing so high of yourself. You’re intelligent, nice, and do so much for so many people who take you for granted. I know people think, sometimes, that you’re no good. But to me, you’re exactly what people need in their lives.

You are comparably different than everyone in my life. You are the only one left that tells me how it is. The only person I can honestly put all of my faith in and know that I won’t be disappointed in the end. I know, just as you do, you’ve disappointed me. But not on purpose, and I know this.

Nobody is perfect.

But I know you will always be damn near perfect in my eyes. You are my big brother. Someone who sticks up for me. Believes in me. Takes care of me. I know that as long as you’re near me I can accomplish anything I want. You’re more of inspiration to me than you’ll ever know, and I want to thank you. I love you more than you’ll ever know and don’t want you to forget it.

Love always,

Your Little Sister.