Journey Restarted: Part Four

June 26th.

We finally have a date scheduled for the actual surgery. June 26th. I had hoped to have it at the end of April to the beginning of May, however, I haven’t got a cardiac clearance yet, so I have to wait a little longer. I’m in the process of changing my cardiologist and I couldn’t make an appointment until June 13th. This is why I have to wait until the end of June.

The main part I have to wait for is approval from the insurance company, which they do pay for bariatric surgery. I think the only thing I wish they’d tell me is how much. It’s like the amount of money through the whole thing has been a huge secret, that they can’t tell me until two or three days before the actual appointment. Then I have to hope I have enough money to even go to the appointment. For example, they scoped my stomach a couple weeks ago. The appointment was on a Friday, they told me Wednesday that I needed $1500 for the actual procedure and 200$ for the doctor.

Don’t get me wrong, they did tell me at the start of this how much the surgery would be with the insurance if I don’t hit my out of pocket. However, they didn’t tell me how much it would be if I do hit my out of pocket, which I did, && I doubt they’ll tell me anytime soon. I’m hoping I have enough saved.

But I am nervous and excited at the same time.

I’m nervous because I have seen a lot of people talk about how their blood sugar is now extremely low && can only do so much to keep it up. I am used to having high blood sugar levels, so the thought of it being low, && not knowing what to do, scares me. They also talk about stinking all the time. I’ve always been paranoid about smelling bad, so that makes me nervous. Although, more people say that they don’t stink compared to the ones who say they do. They have stated that they do smell slightly different, not bad, just different.

I’m excited though. I’m excited about the thought of eating like a normal person. I was talking to someone I work with the other day && they were talking about how they can take two or three bites (they didn’t have the surgery, they use the shots that work for a little while until you stop taking them then you put all the weight back on, no, not a fan of using those shots as weight loss) and is full. I sat there smiling thinking “I can’t wait for that”. Food wise, I’m excited about the pudding, yogurt and Jello. I am also a big fan of soup, so that’s something else I’m excited for. But most of all, I’m excited at the thought that maybe, just maybe, I will not be diabetic any longer.

Being diabetic is hard.

The only thing I have been wondering is what will it do with my heart. I know my heart is doing better now than it was when I was hospitalized, but is that because of the medication I take for it? If I were to stop talking it, would my heart go back to the way it was in 2021? Will this surgery help with that && maybe not be on the medication any longer? I know it won’t fix my kidney issues, but I’m hoping it’ll at least slow down the decrease in function. I know my high blood sugar is not helping my kidney’s work properly. && the fact that one of them is smaller than normal, && then take in the function has decreased. Will the surgery assist in slowing all that down?

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Take Two.

Tuesday the sixth.

I was called back by the surgeons office this afternoon. Woo! 🧑🏻‍⚕️ They were willing to set my appointment for tomorrow, but I can’t do that – I work tomorrow. So I told them Tuesday’s are best for me and I am free for whenever. So next Tuesday it is…

Normally I would ramble on and on about thoughts, worries, etc. But today will be short because I’m using my cell phone to write this. Why? Don’t laugh! 👀 One of my cats, Odis, was asleep in my computer chair && I didn’t want to wake him up. So I left the room to use my phone. ☎️

But I will say this much. My “fat brain” is freaking out && I know that it’s going to take a lot to calm it down. However, I know I need to do this to survive – I’m just, probably like everyone else on the planet that has done this surgery, scared of how it’s going to change me.

The thought of taking an hour to eat one scrambled egg terrifies me. Although, I’m pretty sure by 30 minutes in, I’m going to get bored of eating. 🍽️

I did have a check up with my doctor today. We didn’t do much so I have nothing new to go by. I did tell him that when I eat I sweat, which is weird – asked if I should be worried. He said no – he is pretty sure it’s because of my Trulicity. I also asked for a prescription of antacids because BOY! Woo! All I get anymore is heartburn. Sucks. I have an appointment next month to check my A1C. Hopefully it has gone down. I know my daily numbers are lower. Send a prayer up for me on that.

I will stop on that note && will pick it back up again later on.

Walking Around the Clock.

I bought a treadmill.

&& shockingly, a part of my body didn’t try to die. (Remember jump rope?) I had it a few days before I actually used it. && I could sit here and give you a million reasons why I didn’t – but truth is… lazy.

The treadmill was on sale. && when I say it was on sale, I’m talking dropped nearly 400$. I have been wanting to buy one because I know I’ll use it. But there are still days where I’ll go outside for a walk. But with this, I have no excuse.

The last seven days I have walked a total of 2:22:20 hours, 3.83 miles && estimated calorie burn of 755. I have given myself small goals on it each day. First. I want to hit one mile. Two. I want to hit 45 minutes or more of walking. Three. I want to burn at least 200 calories. (I know the calorie count is an approximate.) I usually hit one mile first. Takes me approximately 30ish minutes. Then I hit the 200 calories. At that point, I’m just waiting to hit the 45 minute mark.

I know doctors say at least 30 minutes a day, but I figure an extra 15 isn’t going to kill me. Unless I trip – like I almost did today. So my machine has the ability to program exercises for you. I thought today I would do this tour in Louisiana that is on there through a building. Sounded exciting. It was up until it decided it need to speed up, didn’t give me any warning, and I nearly tripped and fell.

Falling on a treadmill is not on my to-do list.

Going with the 200 or more calories per workout, for five days a week, that’s 1000 calories. By gum, if I can’t lose the weight doing 1,000 calories a week – then I need to admit and accept that I’m meant to be overweight and just move on.

But even as optimistic as I am, a part of me worries that I’ve done too much damage && that I can’t reverse anything. I get, && understand that diabetes isn’t curable. It’s manageable. It’s also reversible. A part of me is scared to death that I can’t reverse it && that I have do deal with this the rest of my life. That’s even if I pull the weight off && get myself back on track.

I guess the good part of all of this? I’m out of my walking rut. Now I just have to keep going && not give myself a dumb excuse why I can’t walk one day. The only day I don’t plan on walking is Saturday’s && I’m not using an excuse. It’s the truth. I work from 5A-5:30P – by the time I get home I have enough time to make something for dinner, get to bed, just to wake up and be at work at 5A again. I’m not even going to try to exercise on Saturday’s unless I find that I am off on Sunday’s && as short handed as we are on that day – I don’t see it anytime soon.

My goal is five days. Monday through Friday. If I can hit that goal, I won’t beat myself up if I don’t walk Saturday && Sunday.

I feel as if I’m rambling. So I’m going to stop now.

Here We Go!

November 2012 – First got the idea of Frost
November 2012 – Began writing.-The first few months was probably the easiest. The words just came to me. Flew out without having to think about it. Came across Chapter Three && the words just stopped. For some weird reason, every odd chapter was hard to write.
January 25, 2015 – I finished writing the full story.
January 26, 2015 – Began editing the story.
January 27, 2015 – Began the LONG fight with the story that lasted seven years.
January 25, 2022 – Finished – completely – the first round of edits. Yes, you read that correctly, I have finished editing the book. Do I think it’s great? No, I still think it needs a lot of work. But this is right direction.

My next plan is to print it out, start to finish, && read it. Make sure it flows, make notes throughout it. Make sure I didn’t take something out that I referenced before. It began with one idea && became something completely different as I finished writing it. But I think most writers say that about their stories.

I have given myself a goal. The goal of finishing this completely before the end of this year. Although, I think I say this every year, I mean it a little more now. The last year has been weird, hard, and stupid – && I know that I may not have forever and if I keep putting it off, my forever is going to be something I don’t enjoy as much as I should. I preach to people all the time to do the stuff in life that makes them happy. So why am I not listening to myself when it comes to my own happiness? I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life. I want to write. I want that to be my living. &&& I will NEVER know for sure if I have what it takes if I never finish the book.

So here I am. My life is fine – but it would be so much better if I could put as my job title “Author”. Be able to say that my life is writing. Writing is my life.

But then again, I have decided to do a lot of things that scare me. That I’m afraid to do. && no, it’s not one of those “I’m going to die so I’m going to do everything on my bucket list.” I am not planning my death. I’m not ready to die. I’m just going to do && try to do the things that I have wanted to but afraid to try. Maybe I’ll go bungee jumping? Go down a water slide? Learn to swim?

I’ve been struggling lately with my sugar numbers. They’ve been high – not last year high, but high. 300’s. All the time. Morning. Afternoon. Night. My phone was been waking me up beeping because it hits 300 between 2AM & 7AM. Then it’ll go down to about 250 && stay there all day. I have been waiting to go see my endocrinologist about it && see what she says, however, when my appointment came up I found out they dropped my insurance – yay. So I was unable to do that. Instead I made an appointment with my primary && had the conversation. After discussing medicine & such she mentioned that it’s probably because I have been taking one of my shots. Why? Because I ran out of it – then tried to get it refilled. The endocrinologist I was seeing doesn’t, for any reason, answer their phone. So I was unable to get it refilled. So my primary refilled it – three months worth – &&& I began taking it again. I’m back on it for two weeks. The last two days I haven’t hit 300. It has been ranging between 150 – 200. Still high, but it’s a lot better than it was.

Weight loss. That’s my goal. I don’t know if I will be able to do it myself. Back of my mind has been weight loss surgery. I feel like that’s me giving up. But at the same time, I also think, it might benefit me. I will have a higher chance of not being diabetic, have high blood pressure && I may, just may get my heart function back.

My check up this month with my primary – she said I had a little fluid build up again. Nothing scary. She didn’t hospitalize me. She said my numbers are better. I take a water pill – I’m allotted two of them a day – I have only been taking one. This last few days I have been taking two. I can’t have the build up – a heart attack is not in my plans.

Up & Down.

I gained 8 pounds.

I get that it’s holiday season && everyone usually gains weight. But I didn’t really have the room to gain the weight. I also get that it’s not a lot of weight && weight goes up & down. But I’m sticking with the I don’t have the room to gain weight.

Last night before dinner my blood sugar was 515.

I cried.

I cried for three reasons:

Because my blood sugar was 515.
Because I was scared.
Because I really wanted what I had made. (Nachos)

I told Boyfriend I needed to get back to walking && exercising. MOving around & such. Last couple of months we have been eating horribly, stopped walking, etc. Today I we went grocery shopping && then afterwards, before I didn’t have the stamina anymore, we went for a walk. Almost 2 miles worth. Took approximately 50 minutes. But I did tell him while walking that this time last year I couldn’t walk two circles at the park without having to stop && sit down for a few minutes before finishing. Today I went six circles (the park is small) without having to sit down. Did I start hurting? Yes, of course, but I’ll take pain over having to stop before I walked for 30+ minutes.

The 8 pounds isn’t a horrible thing. It’s just ruining my small goals I have made for myself. I can’t hit them if I’m going in the wrong direction. A few changing && it’ll be better but first I have to start shopping better. Tonight I’m making stuffed mushrooms, mixed veggies. I won’t talk about the meat I chose – normally I eat chicken. Tonight I’m choosing not to. But as I told Boyfriend while walking – I have to walk out some calories so I can eat my meat.

The rut I have been in for a while is slowing ending. Whether it’s the exercising rut or the writing rut. I have been able to edit some more on my story. The last two weeks I have finished four chapters, which usually takes me four months.

So my two goals for the next couple of months:

Finish Editing Frost so I can finally find someone that can edit it again for me && tell me if it’s crap or not.
Finishing losing weight && attempt to not be so much of a horrible diabetic that maybe when I eat Chinese food it won’t go into the 300’s. (The 515 last night was because of what I chose to eat for lunch, I knew it was bad, but I did it. Now I know not to do it again.)
OH! & attempt to write more in this. I always say, every year, that I’m going to write more but I never do. I purchased a book off of Amazon the other day, “One Line a Day for Five Years” – maybe that’ll help. I have thought about finding one of those sites people use && put a couple of the chapters up of my story, but then I’m scared. So there’s that.

So with that, I’m going to wander back over to my chair && probably play a card game on my phone while I wait to make dinner. My stomach is growling.

The Scariest Day of my Life!

I do not like being diabetic.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single person on the planet who is diabetic who will say “Oh, I love being diabetic! It’s the best thing about me.” But to understand this post, I feel as if I need to begin with the obvious.

I’d also like to begin with when it comes to being diabetic, I’m not sure I have any idea what I am doing. This even comes from someone who has been around people with diabetes all her life. Something that I watch kill and destroy lives. Something that once you achieve getting, it’s pretty much harder than getting into Heaven after going on a murder spree to get rid of. Although, I’m still optimistic that one day, sooner than later I’m hoping, I’ll be able to achieve that. (Not the murder spree then getting into heaven.)

Everyone knows by now that I have had issues keeping my numbers under 250. Lately, however, in the last couple months, I have been doing a dang good job at it. I finally got it where I have been 150 or lower all the time. Which compared to my old numbers, that’s good. By dinner my numbers were hovering around 100 to 125. (The morning, to be honest, was usually nearly 200 && no one can tell me why they are so high in the morning when I wake up, but whatever. By 11 AM, it’s usually around 150 or lower.

Monday – November 1st, shot that all to hades in a hand basket.

I began my Monday like any other day. But my Dexcom said the sensor was expiring in less than six hours. Okay, that’s fine. It does that. Every 10 days. && for anyone who doesn’t know what a Dexcom is. It’s a little machine that tells me my blood sugar throughout the day. I don’t have to prick my finger when I’m wearing it and it takes my sugars every five minutes. My endocrinologist wanted me to have one so I can see what makes my blood sugar rise versus what doesn’t. Basically, everything I eat, including water, makes my blood sugar rise, quickly. However, some of the foods make it worse. Like anything to do with flour.

Anyway… When the sensor expired we put in another one. After two hours the sensor warmed up and was ready to go. && it beeped. Okay, that’s fine, it does that when it’s below 100. That way I know to keep my eye on it. It read 90 – which I found weird, because for dinner I had rice. So I put it to the side && waited. I thought maybe the rice didn’t kick in yet. Because sometimes, okay, not sometimes, all the time, it takes my body nearly two to three hours AFTER eating to show the rise. Which isn’t what I have read or even been told. So the whole “check your sugars after two hours they should be decent” don’t apply to me. It takes nearly two to three && sometimes four hours for my blood sugar to lift. Two hours after I eat, it’s perfectly fine, then BAM! It starts it’s climb. (This is probably something I should probably talk to my doctor about. If I remember, I will do that.)

As I ignore this beeping I am laying in bed. Trying to go to sleep because I”m tired && that’s what you do when you’re tired. After a few dozes here && there it beeps again. I grab the little machine && now it says 54. I’m confused. But I think, maybe, before dinner I took too much insulin. It’s possible since I wasn’t able to actually check my sugar level. You’re now thinking, what? When my Dexcom sensor expired I figured I would just use my finger poker (that’s what I call it) and check my sugars the old fashioned way. I pulled it out to discover that it was dead too. Everything needs batteries! So I just went off what it last said which was around 150 – I figured it couldn’t be much lower than that. So I took insulin that worked with 150. I’m now thinking that I took too much && I need to get some sugar in me. Which is fine, I had some ice cream in my bedroom freezer so I ate one. Sugar, for me, is the quickest way to raise my sugar levels. Even just a couple gulps of Dr. Pepper does it. I knew this would work.

I eat the ice cream && wait. Fifteen – twenty minutes – my Dexcom goes off again, this time it reads that my sugar level is so low that it just says LOW. I’m start panicking. Now I’m too the point of giving myself panic attacks, which in turn makes me lightheaded. Now, I have no idea if my lightheadedness is from my panic attacks or from low blood sugar.

I’m scared.

We have a bag of single packets of chips – I eat two. Still nothing. I eat a oatmeal crème pie, which, by the way, I do not like them, at all. But I eat it because I know it’s full of sugar. My Decom is still reading low – I’m freaking out. I guzzle some sweet tea (I’m from the South so when I say sweet tea, I’m talking sweat tea) that I made Boyfriend and guzzle milk. NOTHING!

My sugar is still low. How can this be happening? At least point I’m scared to death. I start getting dressed && Boyfriend asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m getting dressed. He knew exactly what it meant. I want to go to the E.R. Because something isn’t right && I need help. So I grab shoes, my pill bag (it is a little ADIDAS bag that holds my pills, my glucose book, my doctors names, etc.), my phone && Decom – he grabs keys, his shoes and out the house we go. He needed cigarettes so I think, maybe what I have isn’t enough sugar. (Yes, it sounded as dumb to me as it does to you right now.) So I tell him let’s stop at the store first, this was, by the way, at 3:30 in the morning. Grab you some cigarettes, and a bottle of orange juice. I tell him we will get that, I will sit in the parking lot && drink the orange juice, wait 15 minutes &&& then we’ll go to the E.R. if it doesn’t help.

So by 4:00 in the morning, it’s still below 40.

Boyfriend wanted to try one more thing. He wanted to try my finger poker, but I explain to him it’s dead && he said let me try && fix it. We head home and he gets it working – thankfully, I guess. He takes my sugar && after looking at the machine he says, “You aren’t going to like this.” My heart sinks, crap! That’s all I was thinking. Even it was reading low, what am I going to do if this didn’t work. What will the E.R. be able to do? He turns the machine around me && I look at the reading.

I HAVE NEVER, IN MY LIFE, BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE MY BLOOD SUGAR READ 367!

Because that means what I consumed did work. That means that my blood sugar was never low. That means – my Dexcom is broken. Yippee right? We figured out the problem.

Here is the new problem. For the last two days it was been in the high 200’s, because my body is still trying to process all of that sugar. Which, if you recall, I don’t eat like that on a normal basis. I never have. My stomach was so upset that day, I think it was freaking out. I’m drinking water attempting to flush it out, but sadly, nothing in my body works properly so I feel like I am fighting a battle that is going to take weeks to fix.

Man I’m so angry! I wish I knew ahead of time that the Dexcom could break && do that. Even Tuesday, when I woke up, I was still feeling the effects of the lightheadedness (as we all know now was from my panic attacks), and the food I ate. I was miserable. But today, Wednesday, I’m still miserable because I feel like that when my sugars are high. It makes me tired, and sluggish. So – upside, I’m glad I’m off of work for the next two days – hopefully by Saturday I’ll get this crap back under control and feel better. I won’t bet on it, but I can still hope.

You know, when I was hospitalized this year was a scary moment in my life. But Monday night – was scarier than that. Because at least I knew in the hospital I had people that knew what they were doing that were helping me. I felt… clueless, helpless… I felt so many things on Monday that I can’t think of all of the words to express it. It was probably the scariest day of my life. && I don’t want to feel like that again.

I’m mad at the Dexcom. I went && purchased a new batter for my finger poker && took the Decom out. Turned it off. I’m just going to poke my finger for a little while until I feel ready to put it back in. I think it was the transmitter, which I have replaced, but… I’m not ready for that again.

Upside! Good news for the bad news! I am 4 pounds away from being able to say I lost 100 pounds since January. Now if only I can get that four freaking pounds off!

Just tired.

I’m always so tired but at the same time I have trouble sleeping.

I don’t know if it is just a part of everything that is wrong with me or I’m lacking something that most people have that I just don’t seem to. Last night I laid down around 9 o’clock because I was tired. I laid in bed, staring at the wall until around midnight. When I finally dozed off. This morning I woke up around 8 – by 11, I was asleep in my chair. I feel like I’m in my 90’s sometimes having to nap throughout the day or I can’t make it.

It’s frustrating.

I shouldn’t be as tired as I am all the time. I even have trouble staying awake at work WHILE WORKING. I find myself sometimes moving to the other side of the room so I can talk to people to keep myself awake && it’s worse on Sunday mornings.

It’s almost 9:30 PM right now && I’m so tired. But I know I will go to bed && never go to sleep. That’s more frustrating than just being tired all the time. I get mad at the Boyfriend sometimes. We’ll go to bed and he’ll lay down, once his head hits the pillow he’s out. Snoring. Me? Naw, I’m just laying there staring at him fuming because I can’t sleep.

The days I work I drink Zzzquil to go to sleep && it doesn’t always work. I try to be in bed by seven the nights I work because I have to wake up at 4 AM (which, by the way, I don’t like), but there are times I’m still awake at 10:30 PM just laying there. No yawning, nothing. Just laying in the dark.

The tiredness in turn makes living life really complicated. I’m always telling myself things I need to accomplish throughout the day, but I’m just so tired I don’t want to. Today has been the coolest, weather wise, in a few months && I wanted to start walking again. I have the want to do it. I don’t have the oomph to do it. I try but when it comes to actually doing it my body is just so tired I don’t even want to put on shoes. Lately, it takes me a lot to just go to the store. The thought of having to wake up Thursday at four in the morning to go to work is driving me crazy. && it’s only Tuesday night.

I love to cook && my tiredness makes that a very hard chore to do. I wanted to clean the bedroom but instead of actually helping, I sat on the bed && watched the Boyfriend clean it. I have heard that heart disease will make you tired, but should it make me THIS tired? Especially if my function is getting better? At the same time, I have read that kidney disease will make you tired. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to being tired.

I have already given up on the keto lifestyle. Why you ask? Because nothing I read before I started that type of eating told me that I wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom. && after two weeks of nothing happening, pain, and crying on the toilet – I stopped. Now you’re saying “you can take supplements”. If I could afford that kind of lifestyle I would. I will just have to do it on my own way. Although, after stopping the keto style, I have still dropped weight. Downside, my blood sugar is in the 200’s again. Yeah, not eating a lot of carbs my blood sugar was staying below 200 – in fact, it was staying around 130 to 150, which is really good for someone who is usually in the 300’s. My Dexcom beeped this morning. I went above 300. I figured after dinner it would have beeped again, but so far it hasn’t, but the night isn’t over yet.