Stay on the same path.

The last couple of months has been pretty interesting health wise.

I don’t want anyone to think I have been hiding a secret heart attack, or a stroke – because I haven’t. I am referring to running out of a medicine, not being able to get ahold of that particular doctor, and making my blood sugar never get below three hundred for months. The scariest part of that is wondering what it was doing to the rest of me – on the inside – the parts that I can’t see.

So yesterday when I was heading to Denton for my heart doctor appointment, a part of me was petrified. Even during the echo I was laying there, with my eyes shut – praying. I told the atmosphere that I didn’t want to be taken out like this. I didn’t want to be another heart disease statistic and go into a book about how I was overweight, and my heart couldn’t take it anymore.

Testing after testing. Poking and prodding. The doctor finally came in to speak to me about the results. Before we go there, let’s rewind to last year. I was told I was in the 20-30 beats/percentage with my heart. Basically, my heart wasn’t beating enough so I am now considered to have heart failure. That’s a scary thought especially since all this time I was alone.

Fast forward to yesterday. The doctor came in and sat down in front of me, holding her notebook . I sat there, nerves killing me – waiting for her to tell me the last few months have set me back and I have to start over. That’s what I prepared for.

“Everything looks good. The numbers are good. Your echo was fantastic.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. All I could think was – at least it’s not worse.
“So fantastic that your heart is in the normal range. We want it to be in the 50-55 && you are in the 50-55.”
I just wanted to stand up and do a dance. I was over the moon knowing that everything I was doing was working and I am still going in the right direction.
“I have never seen someone get this kind of news && be able to get it set in the right direction this fast. I am so proud of you.”

I know I am not out of the woods. I know I have a lot of work to go. I need to continue to work on my weight. I’m still stuck in the 80’s, which has made me sad, but at the same time Boyfriend keeps telling me how long were you stuck in the 90’s? I have to admit he’s correct, I was stuck in the 90’s for a while so it’s just getting out of it. I want to blame the cold the last few months, but I honestly can’t. Truth is – I haven’t had the oomph to do it. I’m just tired all of the time.

That’s another thing I must figure out. Why am I tired all the time? Before I could blame it on my heart – now I can’t. Since it’s normal, my tired levels should be better, but they aren’t. My heart doctor wants me to get with my primary && do a sleep study – but the last time I was going to do that they wanted 2,000$ up front. I don’t have that kind of cash just laying around. It’s why I haven’t done one. Side thought: Should have done it last year after my deductible was met, but that’s for a different conversation.

I do know, though, if I keep losing weight my issues will continue to decrease. Less weight means no diabetes. Less weight means no high blood pressure. No diabetes && no high blood pressure means no medication.

That’s my dream. I dream of no medication && not dying without it. Know what I mean?

But for today, I’m going to be happy and celebrate the fact that I am going in the right direction. I just have to keep going && not get irritated and stop like I did last time. Which is what has put me in this position I am in today.

Up & Down.

I gained 8 pounds.

I get that it’s holiday season && everyone usually gains weight. But I didn’t really have the room to gain the weight. I also get that it’s not a lot of weight && weight goes up & down. But I’m sticking with the I don’t have the room to gain weight.

Last night before dinner my blood sugar was 515.

I cried.

I cried for three reasons:

Because my blood sugar was 515.
Because I was scared.
Because I really wanted what I had made. (Nachos)

I told Boyfriend I needed to get back to walking && exercising. MOving around & such. Last couple of months we have been eating horribly, stopped walking, etc. Today I we went grocery shopping && then afterwards, before I didn’t have the stamina anymore, we went for a walk. Almost 2 miles worth. Took approximately 50 minutes. But I did tell him while walking that this time last year I couldn’t walk two circles at the park without having to stop && sit down for a few minutes before finishing. Today I went six circles (the park is small) without having to sit down. Did I start hurting? Yes, of course, but I’ll take pain over having to stop before I walked for 30+ minutes.

The 8 pounds isn’t a horrible thing. It’s just ruining my small goals I have made for myself. I can’t hit them if I’m going in the wrong direction. A few changing && it’ll be better but first I have to start shopping better. Tonight I’m making stuffed mushrooms, mixed veggies. I won’t talk about the meat I chose – normally I eat chicken. Tonight I’m choosing not to. But as I told Boyfriend while walking – I have to walk out some calories so I can eat my meat.

The rut I have been in for a while is slowing ending. Whether it’s the exercising rut or the writing rut. I have been able to edit some more on my story. The last two weeks I have finished four chapters, which usually takes me four months.

So my two goals for the next couple of months:

Finish Editing Frost so I can finally find someone that can edit it again for me && tell me if it’s crap or not.
Finishing losing weight && attempt to not be so much of a horrible diabetic that maybe when I eat Chinese food it won’t go into the 300’s. (The 515 last night was because of what I chose to eat for lunch, I knew it was bad, but I did it. Now I know not to do it again.)
OH! & attempt to write more in this. I always say, every year, that I’m going to write more but I never do. I purchased a book off of Amazon the other day, “One Line a Day for Five Years” – maybe that’ll help. I have thought about finding one of those sites people use && put a couple of the chapters up of my story, but then I’m scared. So there’s that.

So with that, I’m going to wander back over to my chair && probably play a card game on my phone while I wait to make dinner. My stomach is growling.

Just tired.

I’m always so tired but at the same time I have trouble sleeping.

I don’t know if it is just a part of everything that is wrong with me or I’m lacking something that most people have that I just don’t seem to. Last night I laid down around 9 o’clock because I was tired. I laid in bed, staring at the wall until around midnight. When I finally dozed off. This morning I woke up around 8 – by 11, I was asleep in my chair. I feel like I’m in my 90’s sometimes having to nap throughout the day or I can’t make it.

It’s frustrating.

I shouldn’t be as tired as I am all the time. I even have trouble staying awake at work WHILE WORKING. I find myself sometimes moving to the other side of the room so I can talk to people to keep myself awake && it’s worse on Sunday mornings.

It’s almost 9:30 PM right now && I’m so tired. But I know I will go to bed && never go to sleep. That’s more frustrating than just being tired all the time. I get mad at the Boyfriend sometimes. We’ll go to bed and he’ll lay down, once his head hits the pillow he’s out. Snoring. Me? Naw, I’m just laying there staring at him fuming because I can’t sleep.

The days I work I drink Zzzquil to go to sleep && it doesn’t always work. I try to be in bed by seven the nights I work because I have to wake up at 4 AM (which, by the way, I don’t like), but there are times I’m still awake at 10:30 PM just laying there. No yawning, nothing. Just laying in the dark.

The tiredness in turn makes living life really complicated. I’m always telling myself things I need to accomplish throughout the day, but I’m just so tired I don’t want to. Today has been the coolest, weather wise, in a few months && I wanted to start walking again. I have the want to do it. I don’t have the oomph to do it. I try but when it comes to actually doing it my body is just so tired I don’t even want to put on shoes. Lately, it takes me a lot to just go to the store. The thought of having to wake up Thursday at four in the morning to go to work is driving me crazy. && it’s only Tuesday night.

I love to cook && my tiredness makes that a very hard chore to do. I wanted to clean the bedroom but instead of actually helping, I sat on the bed && watched the Boyfriend clean it. I have heard that heart disease will make you tired, but should it make me THIS tired? Especially if my function is getting better? At the same time, I have read that kidney disease will make you tired. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to being tired.

I have already given up on the keto lifestyle. Why you ask? Because nothing I read before I started that type of eating told me that I wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom. && after two weeks of nothing happening, pain, and crying on the toilet – I stopped. Now you’re saying “you can take supplements”. If I could afford that kind of lifestyle I would. I will just have to do it on my own way. Although, after stopping the keto style, I have still dropped weight. Downside, my blood sugar is in the 200’s again. Yeah, not eating a lot of carbs my blood sugar was staying below 200 – in fact, it was staying around 130 to 150, which is really good for someone who is usually in the 300’s. My Dexcom beeped this morning. I went above 300. I figured after dinner it would have beeped again, but so far it hasn’t, but the night isn’t over yet.

Sabotage.

I sabotage myself.

I’ve had many years to think about why I do this to myself. Normally, I would say I don’t – I mean, why would someone purposely sabotage themselves? What would be the point? But as I’ve gotten older, && have had more time to think about it I have realized that I do. && the reason behind it is ridiculous.

I think I’m too old to be thin.

I told you it was stupid. A part of my brain believes that I am too old to lose weight because everyone says that when people get older their supposed to gain weight. So I have had years of believing that thin only applies to young people. That part of me feels that I have missed out on the thin part of life && since I’ve been overweight for so long that what’s the point?

But I am trying to have a different mindset. I’m trying to make that part of my brain realize that it’s not about being thin, or hot, or sexy. It’s about being alive. I know that if I keep going the direction I’m going, even with all of the good news this last doctor round, that I’m not going to live to see the end of my 40’s. && to be honest, I don’t want to die in my 40’s or 50’s. I want to be able to grow old && be the cranky lady with blue hair. I want to personally pay off my house. I want to know that my brother won’t have to bury me way too soon && live the rest of his life without any family around him. (We basically only have each other. && before my cousins/aunts/uncles get angry, I know we have y’all. I meant – like… here-here. I know if I need you all I have to do is call you. Same way with me with ya’ll.)

But I keep watching people older than me get the stomach surgery because they want to live the rest of their life healthier and happier. That’s what I want. I just want to know that I don’t need to be scared everyday and hate myself for eating something. Plus, I would really LOVE to get off of most of this medication. Will losing weight get me off all of it? Probably not – but most of it. I don’t think I would have high blood pressure or diabetes anymore. Because they are here because of my weight && my body getting tired. So I just need to give my body a boost and losing weight is the way to do that.

So I need to get my brain to stop thinking otherwise.

The Rut Must Go!

I went for a walk today.

It’s nothing huge && not a big accomplishment, but I did. I walked outside earlier && there was a nice little breeze, it wasn’t excruciatingly hot today, so I put on my walking shoes && out the door I went. Boyfriend && I walked up to the park here in town and walked around it. We have this whole thing down. We will walk from the house to the park, walk around it a few times, and then wonder over to the small store next to it and get something to drink, then walk back to the park – go around a few more times && then walk home.

At least that is what we began doing a few months ago – before the toe incident.

Him && I just walked && talked. We talk a lot to each other && so it’s not anything new. But today we talked about things we would do if we were rich. I have always believed that I would be a fantastic rich person. Mostly because I’m full of love && I want to help so many people. (This is why people that know me well call me Canadian. I’m not, I was born in Texas.) So him && I talked about things we would want to do in this town that would benefit everyone including ourselves. Yes, I know people are always talking about wanting to help people if they had the money to do it, but I’m honestly not just saying it. Give me millions && see what I would do to help people. Yes, I would do some things for myself. Everyone does. I would make selfish decisions, but I can’t live uncomfortably if I’m trying to help others. && I’m not talking about building myself a huge mansion or buy a Lamborghini. I’m talking about smaller things for myself. I don’t really need anything. ((Other than a new house because bitches be lying about this house && it’s a piece of crap!!! I’m still salty. Have I wrote about this journey? I may at a later date.)

The walk was nice though. It began getting a little warmer the longer we walked, but according to my walking app we walked 1.38 miles in 44 minutes. I always like it when I go to doctors && we talk about exercising. They look at me && my size && always tell me “just start off slow, walk five minutes && work up from there.” I’m always thinking about myself, I can walk longer than that. That’s one thing I never want to lose the ability to do – walking at least a mile && still be able to move. Maybe when I’m older it can fade, but since I’m only in my 30’s, I would like to be able to walk a mile && not want to die. Even if I don’t walk for years && then start back up, I want that ability. && so far, I’ve kept it.

Although, there was a time I could walk a mile in 30 minutes. But I’m at turtle speed now.

I’m still trying for the keto-ish dieting idea plan strategy. Am I doing 100% great? No, of course not. I did make zucchini noodles the other day with some chicken. Boyfriend && I were nervous, so I only made two zucchini’s that night – I boiled it for one minute. It was turned out pretty good. Will I do it again? Probably, but with more zucchini. Next on my list is to use cauliflower instead of rice. Maybe make a fried “rice” style or something. I may do that tonight, I don’t know yet.

No matter – I’m here trying.

Quick Update.

I have been slacking a little. It’s normal for me, though, to not write daily. I try but then I fail. I usually welcome the fail before I fail. That way I’m not disappointed.

It’s basically been a week since I began this and it’s not been too horrible. I have obstacles, just like anyone else, that I have to jump. Some of them make it hard – like the fact that I’m still fat. Yeah. I had one of those moments – where you go exercise and feel fantastic then get a glimpse of yourself && realize you’re still fat. It’s heart breaking! But it’s okay. One day at a time.

Monday & Tuesday weren’t good days. They weren’t horrible days – but they weren’t good. That’s okay though. I woke up late on Monday (I work that night) so I didn’t have time to get in some exercise or making my own dinner. So I ended up eating a chicken fried steak sandwich from Toby’s Keith’s & chips & dip. It was delicious but was it worth the calories? Probably not…

Tuesday is my first day off, however, getting home at 6 in the morning I tend to sleep until afternoon to early evening. So I woke up with enough time to make dinner – ended up making chicken parm with spaghetti and meatballs. Yeah! That’s right. When I ruin my diet I ruin it well. But if it makes everyone feel better – it made my stomach hurt and I was in the bathroom most of the night getting it out.

My stomach was pissed off!

Tonight we’re having hamburgers & hot dogs but have no fear I’m doing it the smart way. I’m not going to over due it. I exercised today – had Boyfriend && his daughter join me. 0.73 miles. 21 minutes. Doesn’t take me long to do it but like I said, I shoot for at least 20 minutes because that’s a lot compared to nothing.

I’ll end this one really quick – dinner is done. After I eat and Boyfriend goes to work I’ll come back and ramble some more.

Enjoy your day!

End of Day One.

Normally I will update the day I’m on however last night while cooking dinner I aggravated myself somehow and just wanted the day to end. So I went to bed.

My goal of calories for the day is 1,910.

I started the day off on a high note. I was so proud of myself. Woke up way too early (I hate waking up that early for any reason whatsoever) and made myself breakfast. Decided to use the night before left overs which was a small pork chop. Diced it up and added spinach, white onion, and mushrooms. Sautéed all of that together and then added three eggs, yes, seriously, I added three eggs. Horrible habit I must break. Then I made some shredded hash browns and sprinkled some hot sauce over it. All of that together was 433 calories.

I live in an apartment complex and there is a side walk that circles the buildings. I figured it had to be really close to a mile which usually takes me about thirty minutes to walk. So after breakfast, too close to breakfast && it made me a little sick, so I took a walk around the complex. It took me 20 minutes to walk 0.73 miles. Which sucks, but it’s okay. 20 minutes is better than nothing.

I couldn’t find the fill line of my stomach yesterday so all day I stayed hungry but I knew I’d need a little extra calories for dinner so I decided just to toughen it out. So around a normal lunch time I made a small lunch. Boiled some pasta, added a can of tuna, with mushrooms, white onion and spinach then made a small fruit salad with apple, banana, & kiwi. That came out to be 451 calories.

I know that one of the hardest parts of changing the way you eat is feeling hungry when you logically know you’re not. Have to find ways to make things filling so you don’t feel like that. However, it takes me some time to figure out the line. I had to run up to the store for some flour and I ended up eating a monster size Slim Jim (270 calories). Yep! Seriously. I knew better and logically I knew there was something better for me at the store but I ate it anyway. I finally got to the point where I didn’t feel like I was starving. (Please don’t let my feeling of that detour anyone from redoing their eating habits. Even before sometimes the more I ate the more hungry I felt. So it’s just me.)

Once home I began making dinner and ended up having a chicken fried steak, green beans with bacon, mushrooms & onions, and a side of Rice O Roni (Rice Pilaf flavor). (723 calories) Sometime during the process of making this my mood shifted and I ended up getting really upset. I have no idea why or how or anything. But… I did & I ended up eating in silence, and then going to bed and laying there in the dark for a few hours before dozing off.

But. Sadly before that I ended up eating ice cream that I didn’t have the calories for (I had 33 calories left because I don’t add in the exercise calories). I think it was between 90 & 150 calories. That’s where I stood that day I don’t even know how many calories was in the ice cream.

It’s okay though! Completely okay! Today is a new day and I just have to get back on. Heck it’s only day two. So I can’t get too mad at myself.

Day One Continued…

I’m going to drown you people with blogs. I hope you’re ready for this….

At least today. I’m sure they’ll start dwindling as the days progress. I’m eventually going to get mad about that bucket of chicken.

Here are my rules for my weight loss.
1. No getting mad at myself if I fall off the wagon.
If one day I decide to eat that bucket of chicken in one sitting with a gallon of extra sweet, sweet tea watching reruns of my 600-Pound life crying like a two year old. I will not get mad at myself. I’ll just dust off the chicken crumbs, throw away the tea jug, stop watching that show (it makes me cry every time) and move on to the next day. Tomorrow is always a new day…

2. I will NOT keep anything from my diet.
I see a lot of people fail because they decide that they can not eat bread, pasta, rice, sugar (I barely eat this anyway), cakes, pies, etc. So they pull it from the house and their daily consumption. Here is what I learned the first time around: if I take something away and tell myself I’m not allowed to eat it. I’m going to eat it. And I’m going to eat a lot of it. So, if I tell myself that I can have it, I’ll still eat it. But I’m going to eat it reasonably. So, if I want a piece of birthday cake – I’ll eat it. Although, I don’t eat much sweets which makes me a weird fat person. I make it up elsewhere, don’t worry.

3. Exercise is a must.
So what? I only get in twenty minutes one day. I won’t hate myself for that either. I’m going to take that 20 minutes & be proud of myself. (Went for a walk this morning and realized it only took me 20 minutes – I was aiming for at least 30. I guess I walked too fast.) Some doctors and specialists say that 20 minutes a day is perfect.

4. Have a cheat day!
Some say a cheat day detours you. I don’t agree. I’m also not a doctor or specialist – just a fat person trying to not fail. When I pulled off the 50 pounds in three or four months I gave myself a cheat day. It was payday and I would take myself to the Chinese place a couple towns over. I eventually stopped going and did it less. (I get paid bi-weekly.) But I left that option there because it’s the only thing I find myself craving.

5. Give in to your cravings.
It sounds kind of weird. But.. if you crave it. Eat. It. If have a craving for something and tell yourself you can’t have it you’re going to be eating any & everything you can to fill that void. So ladies, if you’re craving chocolate. Eat it. Just don’t eat the whole candy bar. It’s possible, I promise.

6. Be lazy.
I toyed with this one for a while. I always figured if you want to lose weight you can’t just sit & do nothing. You always have to be up && doing something. But when I realized that I am allowed to do nothing & just watch television, I was able to stay on track better. You look at a lot of the well built people – body builders – gym goers… they always seem to be doing something. So why can’t I find something to do? Sometimes you just don’t have anything to do. (Keep in mind you get exercise by doing household chores. Laundry. Dishes. Sweeping. Vacuuming. Playing with your children.)

7. Take a breather.
Don’t be stupid and over do it. Your body will tell you how far and how much you’re able to do. Don’t be stupid and go too far, too long, and kill yourself. That’s pretty much more dangerous than being overweight.

8. Eat your pizza.
This seems to be the one thing people hate giving up besides cheese, of course. Don’t give it up. Eat it. Just don’t go crazy. If you’re like me and cannot get full off of two to three slices… add a salad. Yum! Who doesn’t love salad? Stop looking at me like that. Eat a salad along with those two to three slices. Yes, it’s a lot of calories, but so is the food you’re going to eat trying to fill that pizza void. Just eat it.

9. Don’t do it alone.
I’m not saying put everyone in your house on a diet. What I am saying is to cook for everyone the same way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking better for other people. Switching out baked fried chicken for oil fried chicken is healthy for everyone. Having a turkey burger rather than a beef burger.. chicken rather than steak. I mean, hey! If you can make them fried chicken && not eat as much of it, all power to you! I can eat one piece and walk away. But I’m weird. :)

10. Don’t expect a miracle.
You didn’t put the weight on in one day no matter what you think. It took years to get to the weight you’re at and you cannot expect to pull it off in one day or one week. Or even one month. Give yourself realistic goals and set them for yourself. Realistic means something you know you can accomplish. Don’t tell everyone that you’re going to pull off 100 pounds in six months. Logically that is dumb. You’re only supposed to lose 2-3 pounds a week, that’s only 8-12 pounds a month. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment!

Some after thoughts:
Drink water. Don’t get me wrong I will not give up soda, fact – I have a 2 liter diet cherry diet pepsi in my kitchen. However, now instead of drinking a 2 liter in one day I can now make it stretch to at least a week. I have put in more water in my diet because it’s good for you. Don’t like straight water? Crystal Light! I freaking LOVE crystal light. Especially the pink lemonade & cherry limeade.
Keep a food diary. I have an app on my phone called FitnessPal. It’s easy to use, quick, and I absolutely enjoy the app. I also use one called Runtastic for exercising purposes. It took me a few minutes to figure out but once you do it’s great! I have looked at other apps thinking maybe there was a better one, but I haven’t found one that I like more than the two I have.
Explore with seasonings when cooking. You can make any and everything taste fantastic when you find seasonings that you like.
Find a hobby. One of the problems I found I was having with losing weight is that I wasn’t thinking about anything ever other than food. It was literally my first thought when I woke up, every thought during the day, and last thought before going to sleep. Until I was around nineteen when I realized my food habits is in fact a problem and I found a hobby – which anyone who has followed me for a while knows it’s writing. So now, my first, middle & last thought of the day is writing. What to write about? How to write it? When will I write it? Who is going to read it? Who might like it? I find myself lately only thinking about food when I’m laying in bed (when I’m too lazy to get up and eat) or when I am hungry. Or when it’s time for medication. Plus, I read somewhere from a specialist, I don’t remember where or when, but it said the urge to eat/snack/pack fried chicken in your face only lasts about ten minutes. Once you get past the ten minute mark, usually you don’t have the urge to eat anymore. Is it true? I don’t know, I usually get angry when I don’t eat. I’m working on that.
If I can give any advice right now to anyone. It will always be “don’t be afraid to eat”. I get it, whatever you put in your mouth stays. I understand that. I’ve fought weight issues all my life and up until lately I didn’t realize there are simple things you can do to fix it. SIMPLE. When you become afraid to eat you lose all power you have over food. It wins. && you cannot let it win. You have to be the one who wins over it. Right now it has a lot of power over you && once you realize why, or how… you can become victorious!

You’re probably thinking.. what gives you any right to tell me how to fix something when you are still overweight yourself. Well… stay put, walk with me and follow along… and I will prove it to you && actually tell you what I eat and how many calories it is. I will tell you how I feel afterwards, and everything. I promise to prove to you everything I will say works for me. &&&& I honestly feel like it would work for you to.

Keep wishing me luck!
Website