(Originally wrote 5/21/2021 – finally was able to upload it.)

I have eater’s remorse.  It’s kind of like buyer’s remorse (which sometimes I have that also), but instead it’s when I eat something.  Food is something that has always given me comfort, whether I was happy/sad/mad/disgusted – I knew I had food and it wouldn’t let me down.  The last few years I have been attempting to get over my struggle and fight with food and my bad eating habits, which probably isn’t as bad as a lot of people, for me, it’s bad.  But all I’ve noticed is that it has turned even uglier because now when I eat I feel bad for hours afterwards && start trying to think of a way to get rid of it.  (No, I don’t make myself puke.)

I told Boyfriend once, && it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t feel it, that I feel bad after eating.  Not “feel bad” like in a sick way, but like, I feel terrible because I ate it.  I told him I wanted to be the type of person who can go into a convenience store and buy a corn dog, eat it with some good ol’ mustard, and not hate myself for three hours afterwards.  But I can’t.

There is a store here in my town that has the best corn dogs.  They are always crispy on the outside and juicy yummy on the inside.  I would stop by there sometimes && grab a couple and go home.  Then afterwards, I was trying to make sense in my head why I was so mad at myself for eating two corndogs when I barely eat them as it is. 

Since all of these doctor appointments my eater’s remorse has gotten worse. Today for lunch at work, I wanted to treat my people so I told them if they wanted something from Taco Casa that I would pay for it.  (They work really hard && sometimes you just need to show that you care && appreciate them.)  So I took everyone’s orders && my manager went && picked it up.  I paid.  I decided that I would get something from there, nothing huge, not a lot, just something.  I really like their nachos – well, okay, I like their chips && cheese which I add the crumbled meat and just dip my chips in it.  It’s not even a large set of nachos. 

I sat here && ate it.  Got full && stopped, tossing whatever was left.  Then I sat here && thought about what I had just eaten.  Thinking to myself, ‘why did I eat that?  Why didn’t I just eat what I brought?’  (A healthy choice frozen dinner with some veggies.)  But now, it’s even worse, because I also ordered a tea because it sounded delicious.  I mean, who doesn’t like a good glass of tea?  That was also on my mind.  I kept thinking I didn’t need to drink that especially since it wasn’t unsweet (which is what I wanted but that’s fine).  Why did I eat it?  Drink the tea?

Sometimes I feel if I eat certain things that I’m basically saying my life isn’t good enough to keep going && that I am wasting what I do have left.  Then I start feeling like crap, this time I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. 

But I don’t feel like this with all food – last night for dinner I made salmon && creamy rice.  I didn’t feel bad after eating that.  I felt great!  I wasn’t overly full && I didn’t feel horrible afterwards.

Before the hospital stay I ate how I wanted knowing that I can lose weight without changing a lot of what I eat.  But now, I feel like everything I put in my mouth is a death sentence.  Nothing is good, nothing should be consumed, when the logical part of my brain knows that isn’t right.

My relationship with food has always been complicated && now I feel like I should be breaking up with food all together.  That it && me just can’t go on like this && I have no idea how to fix my issue.

&& yes, I do have buyer’s remorse.  The only two things in my life I do not regret buying was my first car when I was 18 && my house when I was 31ish.  Well, I say I don’t have it with the house.  I didn’t.  Until this year when I found out everything in my is trying to shut down && stop working that in 30 years (the note length) I may not even be here to finish paying for it.

This may not be completely about food && more about possibly not being here for as long as I had planned.  I feel like I need to start doing everything that I wanted to in life so I can be remembered as the girl who did it all.  I want to finish my book, open a restaurant, help people – be known for something.  If I died tomorrow – what would people remember me as?  The girl who showed up for work every day that didn’t help anyone anywhere.  I don’t want this to define me but I’m in a spot where this is what it is.  This is me.  This is my life.  I will be dead && no one will remember me.  I will have left no mark whatsoever on anyone. 

I always imagined great things for myself && that by now, I thought I would have already achieved most of it.  The ONLY thing I have gotten was a house && found the love of my life. 

I know what you’re thinking – if my dream is to finish the book && open a restaurant – then what’s stopping me?  The book – I hate reading it to edit it because I hate my writing.  Always have (story for another day unless I’ve already wrote about it).  I am trying to finish editing the book so I can get the junk out of it that I know exists within the walls of it, but I can’t seem to read enough of it to finish the editing process.  I know – I could just let someone read it && edit it for me.  Problem!  I don’t want anyone to read it right now because of the junk inside of it.  I know it can be better than it is && before I offer to let people read it I want to fix it.  But to fix it, I have to read it.  To read it I have to get over my insecurities that I have about my writing. 

Restaurant?  I found a building I want.  It’s in the perfect location in the town I life in.  In fact, it’s on the end of my road – I could walk there.  I know with a little tender love && care, a little bit of renovation, that it could be the greatest little restaurant anyone has seen in my town, population of 483 in 2018.  Sounds great, right?  A little too great, of course.  The building is 178,000$ && unfortunately, I do not have 178,000$ to drop on a building that I would need more money to renovate (it wasn’t a restaurant to start with.)  Actually, I do believe it started out as a bank then it was turned into the water department, which just recently moved down the street to a building they built just for it.  Now it’s empty.  It even still has the window when it was a bank that I could turn into a drive thru.  Yes!  I have given it THAT much thought.

I think I’m rambling now.

The other night I got sick.  Wednesday night.  After I got done filling my trash can, I laid there alone && wondered if this is a new symptom.  Is this something new telling me that I’m slowly deteriorating and that soon there will be no more of me?  It’s a scary thought when you’re only 33 years old that tomorrow my heart could just stop working.  I mean, it’s barely working as it is.

I am pretty sure my depression is sparked back up && last time it nearly drove me crazy.  But last time I didn’t have Boyfriend.  I have him now.  Hopefully he has enough mental stamina for the both of us.  But even in that sense, that’s a lot of worry to put on a man that could still decide to leave.

I think what bothers me is that I don’t feel bad.  I don’t feel like…. I should feel… for someone that has heart && kidney issues.  I feel like… I should feel worse.  Don’t get me wrong, I do have my days.  But on those days do I feel bad because of my heart && kidneys or do I just feel bad?  Like Wednesday – people puke.  People eat stuff that doesn’t agree with their stomach && the puke.  Maybe I just got sick.  Boyfriend said he didn’t feel good either.  He can’t get sick because of MY heart && kidney issues.