Lately all I have been wanting is egg drop soup. I needed to find a recipe that I could do and it taste enough like restaurants that I don’t need to go all the time.
I found one. 😁😁
Now I just need to learn to make the chicken in a stick.
Trying to break into worlds is hard.
No, this isn’t about me trying to find a way into another galaxy or proving that there is life in space. What I’m stating, is facts, that when you try to break into worlds it’s hard.
The writing community is huge. A lot of book worms, writers, authors, agents, editors, etc. && trying to get welcomed into it is like trying to sit at the popular table in high school. Sadly, I was never invited.
I have never been good at popularity contests && I wasn’t part of the “in crowd” && thinking that the writing community makes me feel like that is a harsh reality. I honestly know it’s not a popularity contest… but I feel like that. I also feel if you don’t have the money to spend you’ll never be published.
I figured the best way for an unknown is to publish it myself. Which is totally fine – I don’t mind doing the hard work. But I really wanted a professional editor to read through it, find the errors but unless I can poop out nearly $3,000 that will never happen. &&& I know they are worth the money, I just don’t have it to spend.
Then I think ‘okay, let’s skip the professional editing.’ Knowing that it’s self published, “most” readers will look over a lot of them. I will just edit the crap out of it.
Next hurdle. To self-publish, you need extra money. Thousands. I found a company that helps self publish but as I began reading I realized that not only do they request thousands of dollars they also keep 80¢ on every dollar for themselves so I would only get 20¢ of every dollar sold. Whereas, if I do it all myself and use Amazon, I get 70% of the royalties.
But then I think about going with my other passion but breaking into the food world is just as hard – if not harder. I guess when they say “you need money to make money” they weren’t kidding. But sadly, here I am with no money.
I did upload a couple chapters of the book. I figured if it gets enough notice that either that company will want to publish it or it shows that if I was to save the money, step-by-step it, that people would be interested in purchasing the book.
I wonder how many people actually say their dreams did, in fact, come true. I have a dream. Other than finishing the book that I really need to finish but I’m too lazy to actually do it… I want to own && operate a food truck.
I have two loves in my life. Writing, of course, && cooking, which I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned a few times. I also do believe I said my dream job would be a food writer. Combine the best of both worlds. Travel all over the globe while trying different foods, cooked by different people and just write about it.
But I’m trying not to span too far into the atmosphere. But as I sit here and write this I find myself wondering is wanting to own, run && operate a food truck too far out the scope of reality for me? I get it. It takes money && a lot of it. I can save; I know how to do that. But lets say I did save the money, would I actually ever get to the point where I can do it before I die?
I think that’s half of my issue. A part of me is scared that I won’t see the part of my life where most people do find && achieve their dreams. Sometimes, it takes people into their 40’s & 50’s to actually get it. So I wonder – do I have that long to keep hoping that maybe I can get what I truly desire out of life.
Lately I haven’t felt well. I mean, I don’t feel like I’m knocking at deaths door, I just haven’t felt well. I have been sluggish, and still depressed. Angry, and annoyed. My medicine makes it where I don’t have an appetite so I’m not hungry half of the time. They’ve put me on insulin which I’m pretty sure is half of the depression. I thought I was moving forward, day by day, but I feel sometimes that them putting me on insulin is back tracking. But in reality, I’m pretty sure it’s not.
So that’s me. I’m scared, worried, and freaking out that I don’t have time to do what I want with my life. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want people in the future when I’m no longer here talking about something I achieved. Something I did. Something that makes people remember me. Will it be in the food world, writing world, or both worlds?
Do I think I’m going to write the next literary masterpiece? No, I don’t.
Do I think I’m going to open a food truck that eventually turns into a million dollar business that has restaurants in different countries? No, I do not.
I am realistic.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m achieving anything && I know part of that is because I’m not trying to achieve anything.
I was talking about my food truck dream at work the other night && someone said it’ll never happen while the others either didn’t say anything or said food trucks make bank && if I apply myself I can achieve it. But… where do I apply myself at? I told Boyfriend that I’m working on it && my first step is that I ordered a credit card reader that goes into your phones charging port. It’s something silly and small, but at the same time I feel like I’m heading into the right direction.
What I need is a million people to give me one dollar. That’s it. Spare one dollar for me. If anyone is interested please let me know && I’ll set up the account. In the mean time, I’ll either keep thinking about my dreams, dreaming about my dreams, or trying to crawl out of this round of depression.
Either way, I seem to be doing something, right?
Or so it feels. I don’t have many things in life I am good at, but cooking is one of them. Not only that, I actually enjoy cooking – a lot. It’s something I’d do for a living if it was ever given to me. I love standing in the kitchen and chopping onions, bell peppers, or carrots. I love to make pasta, ground meat, or chicken dishes. I love finding new recipes and trying them just because I can.
But with dishes I have been making for years some think they are strange – and after talking to some people, I am starting to see just how strange they are. &&& no, I’m not talking about “eating strange foods”, I’m talking about the fact that I make foods, that everyone makes – strange.
Let’s start off slow. Tuna salad.
Everyone I know makes it differently, whether it’s because they don’t like the taste of tuna so they have to have something in it that will overpower the taste, or for some that don’t like mayo. I put the normal stuff, can tuna, mayo, pickles… But then I add onion, tomatoes, && mustard. Sometimes, if I’m feeling it, I’ll add shredded lettuce. But the one thing everyone says is weird – I add scrambled eggs. Yes! I said it. Scrambled. Eggs.
I’ve had multiple conversations with people about how they make it and they all say, “Yes, I add eggs – boiled.” Then there I sit, speechless, because it’s me against the world.
Spaghetti. Everyone I talk to tells me their spaghetti consists of pasta, sauce && meat. I usually have a weird look on my face so I get asked, “what do you put in yours?” Pasta, meat, sauce, mushrooms, black olives, red/green/yellow/orange bell peppers and onions. Mix. Mix. Mix. Top with “foot cheese”. Serve with bread. Enjoy.
I’m not worried about the fact I make food weird, it’s not a big deal to me. I’m used to it, I like my cooking. (My waist size proves that.) I guess I just don’t know where I got it from. I spoke to my grandfather before he passed this year and he said that him and my mother both used boiled eggs, and he didn’t use tomatoes (my mother did). &&& I have only met ONE other person that puts vegetables in their spaghetti.
Most people learn recipes from their family, friends (mostly, apparently, grandmother), co-workers, siblings, aunts, uncles… but me? None of the above. (According to the boyfriend, I am a self taught bad ass.) I don’t remember my mom’s cooking. The only thing I remember is that she loved to cook, but I don’t think I could really tell you one thing she could cook besides tator-tot casserole, which I do NOT put corn in. My grandmothers, well, one lived six hours away, so I wasn’t around her much, && the other… well, let’s just say that her spaghetti had a whole tub of butter in it. I don’t want to cook like her.
I find it sad that I didn’t get recipes passed down to me, but I lost my mom a lot sooner than she had anticipated, so of course she wasn’t thinking about passing recipes down to me. What 40 year old mother to a 15 && 16 year old is thinking about death? So I’m at a point in life where I do not know how to make cornbread dressing, but I figured out a recipe I like. I don’t know how to make all of the Christmas goodies (divinity, peanut brittle…), so I just don’t bring it up.
My grandfather made a wonderful potato soup that I never got the recipe to. He passed away this year, a couple months after me asking for his recipe. Then there was his chili (which I don’t know how to make) and his salsa (that was so hot I’m sure it burns off taste buds).
I did teach myself to cook. I started around the age of fifteen or sixteen. It came down to I either learn or I have to eat bologna sandwiches for the rest of my life – I didn’t find that appealing. So I started out with soups, which I burned a lot of. But my dad ate it anyway. He always ate it, no matter how gross, or burned, or unappealing it was – he ate it. For me. (I also miss him).
I didn’t have much of a start so I started watching A LOT of food network shows. &&& when I say a lot, I don’t mean that as a small amount. If I wasn’t watching SpongeBob SquarePants, I was watching some kind of food show. I have continued to watch them, even now, without cable, I watch a lot of food shows. I look up recipes and redo them to fit my taste.
That’s how I learn. But I still have no idea where I got the smart idea to put scrambled eggs in my tuna salad. Please, people out there, if you use scrambled eggs rather than boiled eggs, let me know.
I’m extremely upset with myself but not for any of the reasons you’re probably thinking. When I went to the doctor in December of 2016 the doctor told me ‘throughout the whole year I had lost 10 pounds’. He was excited however I knew I could do better. Small changes & I could take off way more than that. So I decided that I would change the way I ate, not take anything out but just eat less. When I get full I’ll stop. I went to the doctor in March of 2017 && I had lost 18 pounds. 18 pounds in four months without changing what I ate only how much, how often, &&& I was NOT exercising.
I was on cloud 9! Because I just proved my preaching correct. Yes, it’ll take me a while to get the other 147 pounds off but I know I can do it.
Sitting in the doctor’s office I decide that I’m going to add exercise to my life. You know, just a small walk – once a day between 20 & 30 minutes. If I go longer yay! If I don’t Yay! When a person doesn’t get any exercise whatsoever, a small amount does wonders.
So last Wednesday I decide to put it to work. I go for my walk and feel wonderful but I’m hungry. All day. Every day. Because I know logically I’m not eating enough food. Because when you start calorie counting it scares the living crap out of you! You look at things you eat daily and finally realize that you are in taking so many calories.
I scared myself into calorie counting when I began this by just wanting to add exercise. I wanted to prove to the world that you don’t have to chew on lettuce, or snack on celery. That you could go and enjoy a meal out when you don’t feel like cooking. Or stop by the convenience store and get some crispetoes. But I didn’t do that. I stopped eating anything deep fried (I don’t that often anyway), stopped asking for pizza. I WAS STILL EATING PIZZA WHEN I LOST THE 18 POUNDS WITH NO EXERCISE.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re miserable.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re hungry all the time.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re not satisfied with what you’re doing.
I got to the point last night that I was scared to eat. &&& I was hungry. I’m not talking bored hungry, or whatever. I was stomach growling uncomfortable please give me something in an IV hungry. But I was scared because I would go over calories. Who cares if I eat over 1,910 calories a day. Last weekend at work I was miserable. MISERABLE. I’m sitting there hungry just thinking about the next moment I get to eat. I wasn’t thinking about work. I was thinking about food. Because I was hungry.
I do believe that I need more water.
I do believe that I need less deep fried foods.
I do believe that I need more greens, veggies, & fruits.
But I also believe that I will not do this if I’m hungry all the time and only thinking about food. So I need to stop && readjust what I’m doing. Because I’m doing something wrong.
When I go back to the doctor in July if I don’t lose the 47 pounds – that’s okay. But I do want to see if it’s possible to lose weight without eating ONLY veggies and fruits. I’m a huge meat eater – I don’t think a dinner is complete without some form of meat. People will & have argued with me over that, but if I look at a plate of nothing but veggies and fruits, I’m unhappy. Now, add a piece of nicely cooked chicken or pork chops, I’m happy. When you’re fighting food you can’t be unhappy with it because then you’re just going to try & find something to make you happy. When you have issues && turn to food – guess what you’re going to do trying to find a happy place. You’re going to eat. &&& eat. &&& eat.
What I need to readjust in my head is my motivation. I want off my medication. I don’t want it to get worse I want it to get better and until I pull off some weight it won’t work. But I’m NOT going to be unhappy while I do this. Because I’d rather stay overweight && be happy, then lose all of the weight and be scared of food. Be scared of eating an apple because they have hidden sugars and it might make me fat again. What kind of life is that?
What if I want to make spaghetti one night and have a big bowl of it and just enjoy it? I can’t if I’m scared of food. I don’t want to be scared to buy food at work the days I wake up so tired && it takes everything to go for my walk let alone make myself breakfast, lunch, diner & snacks. When I could just go to work and get something. Yes, it’s not healthy, but I feel like eating nothing but fruits and veggies will be unhealthy too. Especially for someone like me. Who – when hungry – eats, and eats, and eats until I get to the point of making myself sick. But I am full after I eat in the first place I don’t think about food as much. I mean I’m always thinking about food – that’s just me. Like I have already figured out what I’m making tomorrow night for dinner and I haven’t been to sleep.
No, I’m not trying to talk myself out of weight loss. I’d never do that. What I’m trying to do is secure the weight loss. I’m trying to make sure I don’t fail…. again. I’m tired of being overweight. I’ve been tired for year. I know calorie counting with my app on my phone works. But I’m unhappy. I will never finish my weight loss if I feel like this. I’ll never get to a healthy weight if I feel like I do right now.
What made me realize all of this? I freaking LOVE Frito chili pie. LOVE. IT. I’m not a chili eater unless you give me Frito’s, cheese, onions & salsa. &&& I’m in love. Tonight the Boyfriend wanted that for dinner and I’m not going to tell him no. I made a Frito chili pie tonight for myself using the serving size. I don’t know if anyone has ever tried to eat a serving size of Frito’s & chili but it seriously made me so sad. I just sat there & thought about what I was trying to accomplish and what I was doing to myself not eating a normal portion for someone my size.
So I’m going to turn right && choose to eat what I want to eat. Yes, I will still eat the good-for-me foods like I have been. But I think I’m going to stop counting calories. I’ll keep my app, I’ve had it for years. I want to see if adding exercise, & drinking more water will double my weight loss in July.
So yeah, I probably just made this even harder for myself to get the weight off && it’ll probably take me years. But that’s okay. It is. It’s fine. But I’d rather be doing this for years then be unhappy right now. But we never know… maybe a miracle will happen && I can get the next 150 pounds off in the next year & a half.
All I have to remember is one thing… exercise. exercise. exercise. exercise.
Plus, as I exercise and my body gets more used to it I’ll be able to increase it and do more.
One day at a time.
I have been slacking a little. It’s normal for me, though, to not write daily. I try but then I fail. I usually welcome the fail before I fail. That way I’m not disappointed.
It’s basically been a week since I began this and it’s not been too horrible. I have obstacles, just like anyone else, that I have to jump. Some of them make it hard – like the fact that I’m still fat. Yeah. I had one of those moments – where you go exercise and feel fantastic then get a glimpse of yourself && realize you’re still fat. It’s heart breaking! But it’s okay. One day at a time.
Monday & Tuesday weren’t good days. They weren’t horrible days – but they weren’t good. That’s okay though. I woke up late on Monday (I work that night) so I didn’t have time to get in some exercise or making my own dinner. So I ended up eating a chicken fried steak sandwich from Toby’s Keith’s & chips & dip. It was delicious but was it worth the calories? Probably not…
Tuesday is my first day off, however, getting home at 6 in the morning I tend to sleep until afternoon to early evening. So I woke up with enough time to make dinner – ended up making chicken parm with spaghetti and meatballs. Yeah! That’s right. When I ruin my diet I ruin it well. But if it makes everyone feel better – it made my stomach hurt and I was in the bathroom most of the night getting it out.
My stomach was pissed off!
Tonight we’re having hamburgers & hot dogs but have no fear I’m doing it the smart way. I’m not going to over due it. I exercised today – had Boyfriend && his daughter join me. 0.73 miles. 21 minutes. Doesn’t take me long to do it but like I said, I shoot for at least 20 minutes because that’s a lot compared to nothing.
I’ll end this one really quick – dinner is done. After I eat and Boyfriend goes to work I’ll come back and ramble some more.
Enjoy your day!
I’m going to drown you people with blogs. I hope you’re ready for this….
At least today. I’m sure they’ll start dwindling as the days progress. I’m eventually going to get mad about that bucket of chicken.
Here are my rules for my weight loss.
1. No getting mad at myself if I fall off the wagon.
If one day I decide to eat that bucket of chicken in one sitting with a gallon of extra sweet, sweet tea watching reruns of my 600-Pound life crying like a two year old. I will not get mad at myself. I’ll just dust off the chicken crumbs, throw away the tea jug, stop watching that show (it makes me cry every time) and move on to the next day. Tomorrow is always a new day…
2. I will NOT keep anything from my diet.
I see a lot of people fail because they decide that they can not eat bread, pasta, rice, sugar (I barely eat this anyway), cakes, pies, etc. So they pull it from the house and their daily consumption. Here is what I learned the first time around: if I take something away and tell myself I’m not allowed to eat it. I’m going to eat it. And I’m going to eat a lot of it. So, if I tell myself that I can have it, I’ll still eat it. But I’m going to eat it reasonably. So, if I want a piece of birthday cake – I’ll eat it. Although, I don’t eat much sweets which makes me a weird fat person. I make it up elsewhere, don’t worry.
3. Exercise is a must.
So what? I only get in twenty minutes one day. I won’t hate myself for that either. I’m going to take that 20 minutes & be proud of myself. (Went for a walk this morning and realized it only took me 20 minutes – I was aiming for at least 30. I guess I walked too fast.) Some doctors and specialists say that 20 minutes a day is perfect.
4. Have a cheat day!
Some say a cheat day detours you. I don’t agree. I’m also not a doctor or specialist – just a fat person trying to not fail. When I pulled off the 50 pounds in three or four months I gave myself a cheat day. It was payday and I would take myself to the Chinese place a couple towns over. I eventually stopped going and did it less. (I get paid bi-weekly.) But I left that option there because it’s the only thing I find myself craving.
5. Give in to your cravings.
It sounds kind of weird. But.. if you crave it. Eat. It. If have a craving for something and tell yourself you can’t have it you’re going to be eating any & everything you can to fill that void. So ladies, if you’re craving chocolate. Eat it. Just don’t eat the whole candy bar. It’s possible, I promise.
6. Be lazy.
I toyed with this one for a while. I always figured if you want to lose weight you can’t just sit & do nothing. You always have to be up && doing something. But when I realized that I am allowed to do nothing & just watch television, I was able to stay on track better. You look at a lot of the well built people – body builders – gym goers… they always seem to be doing something. So why can’t I find something to do? Sometimes you just don’t have anything to do. (Keep in mind you get exercise by doing household chores. Laundry. Dishes. Sweeping. Vacuuming. Playing with your children.)
7. Take a breather.
Don’t be stupid and over do it. Your body will tell you how far and how much you’re able to do. Don’t be stupid and go too far, too long, and kill yourself. That’s pretty much more dangerous than being overweight.
8. Eat your pizza.
This seems to be the one thing people hate giving up besides cheese, of course. Don’t give it up. Eat it. Just don’t go crazy. If you’re like me and cannot get full off of two to three slices… add a salad. Yum! Who doesn’t love salad? Stop looking at me like that. Eat a salad along with those two to three slices. Yes, it’s a lot of calories, but so is the food you’re going to eat trying to fill that pizza void. Just eat it.
9. Don’t do it alone.
I’m not saying put everyone in your house on a diet. What I am saying is to cook for everyone the same way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking better for other people. Switching out baked fried chicken for oil fried chicken is healthy for everyone. Having a turkey burger rather than a beef burger.. chicken rather than steak. I mean, hey! If you can make them fried chicken && not eat as much of it, all power to you! I can eat one piece and walk away. But I’m weird. :)
10. Don’t expect a miracle.
You didn’t put the weight on in one day no matter what you think. It took years to get to the weight you’re at and you cannot expect to pull it off in one day or one week. Or even one month. Give yourself realistic goals and set them for yourself. Realistic means something you know you can accomplish. Don’t tell everyone that you’re going to pull off 100 pounds in six months. Logically that is dumb. You’re only supposed to lose 2-3 pounds a week, that’s only 8-12 pounds a month. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment!
Some after thoughts:
Drink water. Don’t get me wrong I will not give up soda, fact – I have a 2 liter diet cherry diet pepsi in my kitchen. However, now instead of drinking a 2 liter in one day I can now make it stretch to at least a week. I have put in more water in my diet because it’s good for you. Don’t like straight water? Crystal Light! I freaking LOVE crystal light. Especially the pink lemonade & cherry limeade.
Keep a food diary. I have an app on my phone called FitnessPal. It’s easy to use, quick, and I absolutely enjoy the app. I also use one called Runtastic for exercising purposes. It took me a few minutes to figure out but once you do it’s great! I have looked at other apps thinking maybe there was a better one, but I haven’t found one that I like more than the two I have.
Explore with seasonings when cooking. You can make any and everything taste fantastic when you find seasonings that you like.
Find a hobby. One of the problems I found I was having with losing weight is that I wasn’t thinking about anything ever other than food. It was literally my first thought when I woke up, every thought during the day, and last thought before going to sleep. Until I was around nineteen when I realized my food habits is in fact a problem and I found a hobby – which anyone who has followed me for a while knows it’s writing. So now, my first, middle & last thought of the day is writing. What to write about? How to write it? When will I write it? Who is going to read it? Who might like it? I find myself lately only thinking about food when I’m laying in bed (when I’m too lazy to get up and eat) or when I am hungry. Or when it’s time for medication. Plus, I read somewhere from a specialist, I don’t remember where or when, but it said the urge to eat/snack/pack fried chicken in your face only lasts about ten minutes. Once you get past the ten minute mark, usually you don’t have the urge to eat anymore. Is it true? I don’t know, I usually get angry when I don’t eat. I’m working on that.
If I can give any advice right now to anyone. It will always be “don’t be afraid to eat”. I get it, whatever you put in your mouth stays. I understand that. I’ve fought weight issues all my life and up until lately I didn’t realize there are simple things you can do to fix it. SIMPLE. When you become afraid to eat you lose all power you have over food. It wins. && you cannot let it win. You have to be the one who wins over it. Right now it has a lot of power over you && once you realize why, or how… you can become victorious!
You’re probably thinking.. what gives you any right to tell me how to fix something when you are still overweight yourself. Well… stay put, walk with me and follow along… and I will prove it to you && actually tell you what I eat and how many calories it is. I will tell you how I feel afterwards, and everything. I promise to prove to you everything I will say works for me. &&&& I honestly feel like it would work for you to.
Keep wishing me luck!
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I realized the other night, while trying to make dinner, that I am in a rut. A cooking rut. I never thought that was actually a thing. But apparently it is. And I am in it.
Trying to find new things to make is actually more complicated than I thought. Mostly because everything anymore had like cups beyond cups of red or white wine – I don’t keep any form of alcohol in the house. Maybe I should start? I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I even know where to buy red or white wine.
The new recipe trend started a few weeks ago when I attempted to make chicken enchilada’s. Turned out really well – the boyfriend really enjoyed it. Or at least that’s what he said. I’m still curious if he’d even tell me the truth if I made something that was horrible.
I have a made a few other things. One night I made alfredo sauce from scratch, & made a crock pot roast. Both seemed to turn out good. Sadly, I didn’t picture of the take either of those. Just know one looked like alfredo sauce & the other looked like a roast. I can find pictures randomly on the internet if it’ll make this post better.
Last night I decided to make a Rachel Ray recipe I came across through facebook, Lasagna Sloppy Joes.
The sauce itself was good other than I couldn’t get it to thicken. I wonder if it’s because she used wine & I did not. But everything else I substitute wine for something else seems to work. But this, wouldn’t thicken. Maybe I did something else incorrect, I was really tired and was thinking about sleep, but I feel like I did it right. That, & my town grocery store does NOT sell cibata rolls, so I had to buy the frozen ones and it’s all I could taste was the bread itself. Then of course that bread was hard. So mental note: Do not use frozen cibata bread. Go to a bigger store next time.
Tonight, since it’s bowling night for me, I’m thinking about making a slow cooker Chinese meal. I found a recipe for General Tso’s, but I’m nervous as crap for that. White person attempting Chinese food. Mexican’s do it well – but I’m not that either. That was funnier in my head than in print.
General Tso’s and sesame noodles seems to be a good way to start cooking Chinese food. Don’t ya think?
♥The Barbosphere♥ 