Take Two.

Tuesday the sixth.

I was called back by the surgeons office this afternoon. Woo! 🧑🏻‍⚕️ They were willing to set my appointment for tomorrow, but I can’t do that – I work tomorrow. So I told them Tuesday’s are best for me and I am free for whenever. So next Tuesday it is…

Normally I would ramble on and on about thoughts, worries, etc. But today will be short because I’m using my cell phone to write this. Why? Don’t laugh! 👀 One of my cats, Odis, was asleep in my computer chair && I didn’t want to wake him up. So I left the room to use my phone. ☎️

But I will say this much. My “fat brain” is freaking out && I know that it’s going to take a lot to calm it down. However, I know I need to do this to survive – I’m just, probably like everyone else on the planet that has done this surgery, scared of how it’s going to change me.

The thought of taking an hour to eat one scrambled egg terrifies me. Although, I’m pretty sure by 30 minutes in, I’m going to get bored of eating. 🍽️

I did have a check up with my doctor today. We didn’t do much so I have nothing new to go by. I did tell him that when I eat I sweat, which is weird – asked if I should be worried. He said no – he is pretty sure it’s because of my Trulicity. I also asked for a prescription of antacids because BOY! Woo! All I get anymore is heartburn. Sucks. I have an appointment next month to check my A1C. Hopefully it has gone down. I know my daily numbers are lower. Send a prayer up for me on that.

I will stop on that note && will pick it back up again later on.

Stay on the same path.

The last couple of months has been pretty interesting health wise.

I don’t want anyone to think I have been hiding a secret heart attack, or a stroke – because I haven’t. I am referring to running out of a medicine, not being able to get ahold of that particular doctor, and making my blood sugar never get below three hundred for months. The scariest part of that is wondering what it was doing to the rest of me – on the inside – the parts that I can’t see.

So yesterday when I was heading to Denton for my heart doctor appointment, a part of me was petrified. Even during the echo I was laying there, with my eyes shut – praying. I told the atmosphere that I didn’t want to be taken out like this. I didn’t want to be another heart disease statistic and go into a book about how I was overweight, and my heart couldn’t take it anymore.

Testing after testing. Poking and prodding. The doctor finally came in to speak to me about the results. Before we go there, let’s rewind to last year. I was told I was in the 20-30 beats/percentage with my heart. Basically, my heart wasn’t beating enough so I am now considered to have heart failure. That’s a scary thought especially since all this time I was alone.

Fast forward to yesterday. The doctor came in and sat down in front of me, holding her notebook . I sat there, nerves killing me – waiting for her to tell me the last few months have set me back and I have to start over. That’s what I prepared for.

“Everything looks good. The numbers are good. Your echo was fantastic.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. All I could think was – at least it’s not worse.
“So fantastic that your heart is in the normal range. We want it to be in the 50-55 && you are in the 50-55.”
I just wanted to stand up and do a dance. I was over the moon knowing that everything I was doing was working and I am still going in the right direction.
“I have never seen someone get this kind of news && be able to get it set in the right direction this fast. I am so proud of you.”

I know I am not out of the woods. I know I have a lot of work to go. I need to continue to work on my weight. I’m still stuck in the 80’s, which has made me sad, but at the same time Boyfriend keeps telling me how long were you stuck in the 90’s? I have to admit he’s correct, I was stuck in the 90’s for a while so it’s just getting out of it. I want to blame the cold the last few months, but I honestly can’t. Truth is – I haven’t had the oomph to do it. I’m just tired all of the time.

That’s another thing I must figure out. Why am I tired all the time? Before I could blame it on my heart – now I can’t. Since it’s normal, my tired levels should be better, but they aren’t. My heart doctor wants me to get with my primary && do a sleep study – but the last time I was going to do that they wanted 2,000$ up front. I don’t have that kind of cash just laying around. It’s why I haven’t done one. Side thought: Should have done it last year after my deductible was met, but that’s for a different conversation.

I do know, though, if I keep losing weight my issues will continue to decrease. Less weight means no diabetes. Less weight means no high blood pressure. No diabetes && no high blood pressure means no medication.

That’s my dream. I dream of no medication && not dying without it. Know what I mean?

But for today, I’m going to be happy and celebrate the fact that I am going in the right direction. I just have to keep going && not get irritated and stop like I did last time. Which is what has put me in this position I am in today.

Just tired.

I’m always so tired but at the same time I have trouble sleeping.

I don’t know if it is just a part of everything that is wrong with me or I’m lacking something that most people have that I just don’t seem to. Last night I laid down around 9 o’clock because I was tired. I laid in bed, staring at the wall until around midnight. When I finally dozed off. This morning I woke up around 8 – by 11, I was asleep in my chair. I feel like I’m in my 90’s sometimes having to nap throughout the day or I can’t make it.

It’s frustrating.

I shouldn’t be as tired as I am all the time. I even have trouble staying awake at work WHILE WORKING. I find myself sometimes moving to the other side of the room so I can talk to people to keep myself awake && it’s worse on Sunday mornings.

It’s almost 9:30 PM right now && I’m so tired. But I know I will go to bed && never go to sleep. That’s more frustrating than just being tired all the time. I get mad at the Boyfriend sometimes. We’ll go to bed and he’ll lay down, once his head hits the pillow he’s out. Snoring. Me? Naw, I’m just laying there staring at him fuming because I can’t sleep.

The days I work I drink Zzzquil to go to sleep && it doesn’t always work. I try to be in bed by seven the nights I work because I have to wake up at 4 AM (which, by the way, I don’t like), but there are times I’m still awake at 10:30 PM just laying there. No yawning, nothing. Just laying in the dark.

The tiredness in turn makes living life really complicated. I’m always telling myself things I need to accomplish throughout the day, but I’m just so tired I don’t want to. Today has been the coolest, weather wise, in a few months && I wanted to start walking again. I have the want to do it. I don’t have the oomph to do it. I try but when it comes to actually doing it my body is just so tired I don’t even want to put on shoes. Lately, it takes me a lot to just go to the store. The thought of having to wake up Thursday at four in the morning to go to work is driving me crazy. && it’s only Tuesday night.

I love to cook && my tiredness makes that a very hard chore to do. I wanted to clean the bedroom but instead of actually helping, I sat on the bed && watched the Boyfriend clean it. I have heard that heart disease will make you tired, but should it make me THIS tired? Especially if my function is getting better? At the same time, I have read that kidney disease will make you tired. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to being tired.

I have already given up on the keto lifestyle. Why you ask? Because nothing I read before I started that type of eating told me that I wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom. && after two weeks of nothing happening, pain, and crying on the toilet – I stopped. Now you’re saying “you can take supplements”. If I could afford that kind of lifestyle I would. I will just have to do it on my own way. Although, after stopping the keto style, I have still dropped weight. Downside, my blood sugar is in the 200’s again. Yeah, not eating a lot of carbs my blood sugar was staying below 200 – in fact, it was staying around 130 to 150, which is really good for someone who is usually in the 300’s. My Dexcom beeped this morning. I went above 300. I figured after dinner it would have beeped again, but so far it hasn’t, but the night isn’t over yet.