Tag: health

Fun Foods.

What’s your favorite thing to cook?

I didn’t write yesterday. I have no excuse. I just didn’t want to. Instead, I just went to bed. Today is a new day. We’ll start again.

I don’t think I have a favorite thing to cook. Boyfriend would probably say pasta. But when it comes to cooking, I just enjoy every part of it. Everything I cook I enjoy cooking. 

I have mentioned before how much I love cooking. Anything and everything. I love finding new recipes and trying something that I have never tried before. 

************I started this a couple of days ago && I was looking at drafts I had so I figured I would clear them out.****************

Lately, I would probably say my favorite thing to cook is any form of soup. That’s because lately, all I crave is soup. Chicken soup. Egg drop soup. Wonton soup. I just cannot seem to get enough soup. I had soup last night for dinner && then I had some for breakfast today. I have been going to the local Chinese restaurant a lot lately just to get some egg-drop soup. Yes, I can make it, but as I’ve said in the past, it just doesn’t taste as good as theirs. Sometimes I think I just need to go work part-time at a Chinese restaurant so I can learn to make it properly. I don’t think I use enough cornstarch.

Normally I want to try && make anything I can possibly make. But the funds haven’t been there to do that. So, I end up just making what I can afford. I have been enjoying a buffalo chicken and cheesy cauliflower. I take chicken thighs and pan fry them with some buffalo seasoning, pepper, garlic && onion powder in butter. I take cauliflower and cut it up into bite sized pieces and bake it until it’s fork tender with some of the buffalo seasoning, pepper, onion && garlic powder with extra virgin olive oil. The last step is a creamy cheese I found at Wal-Mart, I usually use two boxes of it (we really like cheese), I pour some buffalo sauce into the cheese and warm it up. I don’t measure when I cook, so I just pour the buffalo sauce into the cheese until my ancestors tell me no more. Once everything is finished – I put the cauliflower onto the plate, put some cheese, top it with the chicken, and add a tad bit more cheese. It’s so delicious. && if you’re low carb, there you go.

I cook a lot of chicken and pork – they are both extremely cheap. So, I can afford that. My next chicken dish I’m going to figure out is the chicken on a stick you get at Chinese restaurants.

Oh! I can’t forget the kimchi and tofu stew that I LOVE to make. It has an actual name… let me google it… “Kimchi jjigae”. Now, before someone comes at me saying “you’re white, you can’t cook that stuff”. Yes, I am white. Yes, I know I am not Korean, and it’ll never taste the same. But when I make things like this I never… NEVER say it’s authentic. Nothing I make is technically “authentic”. You’re probably wondering why. America is a boiling pot of different people. Different foods. America shares food – you can go north and taste something, south and taste something different. Other than a hot dog and hamburger (which might not even have started here), what is “American”. && I personally find Korean dishes interesting. Most, I’ve noticed, seem to be into Japanese food more, but me… bring me the Korean dishes. Then of course the Americanized Chinese food. Or is it called Westernized Chinese food? I just know what we have here in America that we call “Chinese food” isn’t what the people of China eat.

So, see! I am a huge fan of trying different foods and making different styles of food. My big thing though, I want to find actual restaurants that serves these foods, so I know what they are supposed to taste like. Let’s use the kimchi jjigae for an example. I know the recipe calls for tuna – I have gout, and I’m scared to eat tuna – so I use pork ribs. That’s not how it’s made. But it’s how I make it. Plus, I don’t have a Korean market close by me – sadly – so I buy kimchi at Wal-Mart in the vegetable section. That will make it taste different too. I know where a Korean market is – there is an H-Mart in Carrollton, Texas – however, that’s nearly two hours away from me. Then there is one north of me in Norman, Oklahoma, but that is also two hours away from me. I’m just in a horrible spot to live in for my creative taste buds.

But boyfriend really loves it when I make chicken fried steaks. Which is an Oklahoma favorite – which I actually love making those too. But with diabetes it’s hard to really enjoy them because in the back of my mind all I’m thinking about it how high is my blood sugar going to get tonight. Having the issues I have, it’s hard to do much when it comes to food. Rice. Pasta. Breaded foods. Some of my favorite things && I just can’t do it. && yes, I do know after the weight loss surgery they’ll still be off limits. But to be honest, I don’t think they’ll be quite as off limits as they are right now. But still off limits.

So, I’ve been trying to do a lot more cauliflower-based dishes. I enjoy me some cauliflower. I have another favorite that I may share with you on another day for another post.

Journey Restarted.

Today was my second-first consultation with the weight loss surgeon. I didn’t think he would remember me, but when he walked in he smiled && said “welcome back”. Then of course asked “so, what happened?” I told him the truth – money issues.

It was the same as the first time we spoke last year. I’m going to get the duodenal switch. Basically they will take half of my stomach out && hook my intestines up a little different. (If I can get my computer to load it, I’ll put a picture in that shows it). 

I’m excited && petrified at the same time. It’s a weird feeling. (I hope the picture is clear for y’all, it’s a little blurry on my screen).

I have already set up all three of my dietician appointments (have to have three, once a month) for the insurance && doctors approval. The only thing different on the page of “what I must accomplish before surgery” was that he wants a list of diets && exercises I have done in the past. I figured I have a week to get that done – my first dietician appointment is next Tuesday (February 13th). 

I’m excited because I may actually fix a couple of my health issues. I won’t say it all because I don’t know that it will. Everyone I talk to that has had the surgery is no longer diabetic && doesn’t have high blood pressure anymore. That’s two issues. The kidney issues will be helped by not having those anymore – but where my kidney’s stand right now is where they’ll be until they just get worse. The heart issues SHOULD – && I say should – get a little better. But I don’t know if I’ll be off my medication for that – or the kidneys.

I’m petrified of being put under. I am scared every time I’ve ever been put under. I was put under when they took out my gallbladder && I was put under for a colonoscopy. The colonoscopy – other than kind of waking up in the middle of the procedure – it was fine. When I had my gallbladder taken out && they woke me up, I nearly punched a nurse. I remember four nurses holding me down. I’m scared that I won’t wake up from it. I know it’s rare for that to happen, but the bigger you are, the more chance of it you have. Especially when you have issues sleeping, high blood pressure, etc.

Then of course, I think I’ve mentioned that I have unrealistic worries. 
I worry that I will have a big head.
I worry that it won’t fix my health issues.
I worry that the surgery won’t work.
I worry that I will lose too much weight.
I worry Boyfriend is going to leave. Which, by the way, I didn’t have this worry until a guy I used to work with told me “you know Barb, he started dating you overweight, what’s going to happen if you lose the weight? He may leave.” Ugh! Stupid Mario!
I worry my personality will change.
I worry I will no longer be funny.
See? Dumb worries.

But! I’m excited at the idea that I can buy clothes in stores.
Have a lap my cats can sit in.
Maybe run a marathon?
Have a jawline for the first time in my life.

Remind me to write a blog telling you guys about how long I have been overweight && the fact that I have never been thin. Because that’s going to be a shock!

OH! I also worry that I am going to be uglier than I am now. Most people that have had the surgery – they are breathtaking. Then there is like a 23% of people that… I look at the before picture, when they are overweight, and then look at the skinny version of them && I think hmm… you were better looking fat. I don’t want that. I mean it’s fine if I am not drop dead gorgeous, I don’t know if I’d know what to do. But I don’t want to be uglier than I am right now. You know?

Take Two.

Tuesday the sixth.

I was called back by the surgeons office this afternoon. Woo! 🧑🏻‍⚕️ They were willing to set my appointment for tomorrow, but I can’t do that – I work tomorrow. So I told them Tuesday’s are best for me and I am free for whenever. So next Tuesday it is…

Normally I would ramble on and on about thoughts, worries, etc. But today will be short because I’m using my cell phone to write this. Why? Don’t laugh! 👀 One of my cats, Odis, was asleep in my computer chair && I didn’t want to wake him up. So I left the room to use my phone. ☎️

But I will say this much. My “fat brain” is freaking out && I know that it’s going to take a lot to calm it down. However, I know I need to do this to survive – I’m just, probably like everyone else on the planet that has done this surgery, scared of how it’s going to change me.

The thought of taking an hour to eat one scrambled egg terrifies me. Although, I’m pretty sure by 30 minutes in, I’m going to get bored of eating. 🍽️

I did have a check up with my doctor today. We didn’t do much so I have nothing new to go by. I did tell him that when I eat I sweat, which is weird – asked if I should be worried. He said no – he is pretty sure it’s because of my Trulicity. I also asked for a prescription of antacids because BOY! Woo! All I get anymore is heartburn. Sucks. I have an appointment next month to check my A1C. Hopefully it has gone down. I know my daily numbers are lower. Send a prayer up for me on that.

I will stop on that note && will pick it back up again later on.

Goals & What Nots.

What is the biggest goal you’re working towards?

I have been very honest the last few weeks about my biggest goal for myself right now. Weight loss surgery.

Once upon a time in the life of Barb, she thought it was a short cut. A round about way to lose weight. An easy way out. But through the years I have realized it’s not. It’s a tool. A very expensive tool that aids you in losing weight that is eventually going to kill you.

I have to look at it like that. I have to look at it through different perspective or I’m not going to do it. && no, the place hasn’t called me back. So I’m going to call them tomorrow (Monday). Hopefully this time I’ll be able to make a way in. Because I’m ready.

I do have worries – but when am I not worrying? Ask anyone – I worry all the time.

I worry I won’t make it through the surgery. I haven’t read anything about anyone ever dying during surgery. Afterwards – yes – but it’s mostly because they didn’t take care of themselves. Didn’t do what they needed to do to keep up their vitamin levels, etc. 

I’m scared my heart won’t hold up. I know my cardiologist said that my heart is doing better – but at the same time, how much better? People pass when put under all the time. That I have read about.

I’m just tired of feeling like I do all the time && faking it around people so they don’t worry. Yesterday marked 3 years since I was hospitalized. Three years since I nearly died. I don’t want to face that again anytime soon. So I know that I NEED to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Looking Forward.

What are you looking forward to?

I almost forgot to write again. I was sitting in bed all toasty under the blanket && I started thinking about going to sleep then it hit me! (ton of bricks) I haven’t done my daily writing. 

I’m looking forward to the weight loss surgery. I know I have said a few times that I don’t even want to do it, mostly because of the foods I won’t be able to eat anymore (fat brain thinking), but honestly, I’m looking forward to being a little bit healthier. Not having to take so many meds. I was taking them at work the other day && one of the women I work with said, dang, && I thought my three were a bunch. That says something. I’m 36, I shouldn’t be on as many meds as I am on.

This one is going to be a little shorter… I’m shivering and I hate to shiver. So I’m going to go back to my blankets.

Revelations.

What have you recently had a revelation about?

I tell you hwat! I’m not liking the last couple days of questions. Hopefully they begin to get better. So another rambling post.

I finished the book I was reading today. && I thoroughly enjoyed it. Had a few cracks about white people in it, but honestly, the cracks weren’t too far off. I think I’m really starting to enjoy thrillers / mysteries. I don’t know what it was about “Almost Surely Dead” by Amina Akhtar, but duuuuuuuuuuude! If you’re in a reading slump I advise you to purchase this book. It’ll pull you straight out of it.

I started another, “The New House” by Tessa Stimson. A friend of mine is in a book club, which I’ve secretly always wanted to be in one, && she added me to their Facebook page – which I accepted. This month they picked this book to read so I’m quietly reading it myself. Why not? It was $0.99 for the Kindle book. I’m not very far into it, when I started reading it I was at work && it was shift change, so it got loud. Figured I’ll read some on it tomorrow – or possibly tonight if I don’t pass out quickly.

Today is Friday, I still haven’t heard back from the weight loss people. I remember when I first sent them a message about getting in with them it took them two weeks – so do I give them two weeks or call back Monday – wait, Monday is a Holiday – Tuesday? We got take out tonight for dinner because we were going to be out late. Boyfriend wanted pizza, so as we were walking into Dominoes to grab his stuff we had to walk by Catos. I sighed at the sight of it and just thought about how I am ready to be able to purchase clothes inside of a store. The last time I was able to do that I was nineteen. Since then it’s been online clothes with hopes that it actually fits. 

I’m trying to think if I have anything else to ramble about before I log off && go to bed.

I think I’ve talked myself into beginning a new story. I don’t know if I will finish it or get irritated and toss the notebook out a window. But I’m going to attempt to begin something. I have had a few ideas that I really liked, I just have to get my brain straight so I can write. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Counting..

Who can you count on the most in your life right now?

Logically, I’m smarter than to answer this in a public blog. Why? People in my life read this – they automatically think why can’t she count on me? && it wouldn’t matter who I put down as the people I can count on the most. I could say the Pope, && someone in my life would get butt hurt. 

So let’s ramble a little instead. So I started a book called “Almost Surely Dead” by Amina Akhtar. I got it off Amazon for free this month, which I didn’t know was a thing. Let’s just say, I’m obsessed with this book. I read a review on Goodreads that said “this book helped me out of a reading slump”. I first thought, no way will it work. Dude! I can’t tell you enough how much I’m enjoying this book. I’m about half way through with it right now && I can’t wait to find out what happens && why it happened. I think I have figured everything out and BAM! I was wrong. But of course, that is what the author wanted.

I still haven’t wrote anything other than a daily blog post. It’s still something, right? Maybe a little more writing will help. Maybe a little more reading will help.

I called the weight loss doctor on Monday to set up an appointment to start the journey over. However, it’s Thursday, && they still haven’t called me back. When I called them I stayed on hold for thirty minutes – it was around 4 PM when I called them. After the thirty minutes they said they’ve been on the phone with insurance, which I do know takes a bit, && that they’d call me back. I haven’t heard anything as of yet. I’m hoping they haven’t given up on me. I had started the journey last year with them but money became an issue so I paused. Started talking to a different surgeon about going through them because my job would pay quite a bit on it, plus insurance, so it would be basically free. Free is good, right? However, even free isn’t enough when the dietician did nothing but yell at me every time we spoke.

Why’d she yell? They wanted me to lose 37 pounds, which doesn’t seem like a lot of weight, because it’s honestly not. However, with all of the meds I’m on (insulin included) I’m having a very hard time losing weight. Trust me, if I could, I wouldn’t be looking into the surgery. I need help! But all the dietician wanted to do was yell and scream. Which honestly, I thought I was making that up. I can be pretty sensitive. After one month I went into the living room where Boyfriend was and he asked me what the yelling was about? He had heard her yelling from three rooms over. That’s when I decided I didn’t want to go through them. So him && I talked && we figured out the money. Now, I’m just waiting for them to call me back. Hopefully they do soon so I can get the ball rolling again.

Day Six.

What do you need to make more time for?

I feel like this question is asked a lot to people && they usually say the same thing: “I need to make more time for myself.” && in some sense, that’s what I need to do. But it’s more about doing things I like versus making more time for myself. 

I feel like the ones who say “I need more time for myself” is talking about making new routines, or just sitting around for themselves. I want to find a peace I haven’t felt in a long time when it comes to things I enjoy doing. Things that make me happy. I don’t want to find a way to make myself happy, I know what makes me happy already. I just need to go back to it.

Reading makes me happy. Every now && again I’ll get in reading slumps which at times can be really hard to get out of. I’m in one right now. I carry around two books all the time: “The Witcher: The Last Wish” by Andrzej Sapkowski && “Wreck The Halls” by Tessa Bailey. I go to pick one of them up && I can’t just read it. I do this. I want to get back to where I was when I didn’t get in slumps. That I could pick up any book && either read it or not. 

Writing makes me happy. Since I technically finished “Frost” completely I haven’t written a single thing. I can’t even write a paragraph that makes sense. I have so many thoughts of things to write about, but when I sit down to write all I draw is complete blanks. Some of the ideas would make great novels. But they just sit in my brain. Doing nothing but taking up space. These blogs I’ve written the last few weeks is the most I’ve written. Maybe I’m in a writing slump too. Maybe I’m in a word slump.

Cooking makes me happy. I’m not sure why but lately I haven’t been wanting to cook. Boyfriend bought me a 12 piece Hexclad set for Christmas this year. I have used it a couple times since he bought it. I know it’s only January 6th, so it’s not like I have had it for a year, but most people who loves to cook would already be putting some mileage in it. Me? Food just hasn’t been my friend lately. Nothing sounds good – all I have wanted is soup. (Which isn’t a big deal, I get in this mood every now && again.)

I think right now I just don’t feel good. But I do know I need to find time to do the things that make me happy. Find a joy in them again. Find something that may feel like it’s missing. Maybe writing every day in this will help with my word slump I have going. Maybe it’ll help me find the passion and drive I normally have when it comes to reading, writing && cooking.

Procrastination.

What is something you’ve been procrastinating with that you can no longer put off?

I’m a huge procrastinator – so it’s not hard to believe that I have put a lot of things off. But one thing in particular I’ve been thinking about since 2021 – since my health decided to decline, but not too terribly. I’m still living && not dying any time soon.

However. As a reasonable person, I do realize if I don’t do something now, it won’t be like that. I’m staring down the barrel of a 45, not literally, but I am. 

I think I’ve talked about it before a couple of times where I was thinking about doing it. I’m done thinking. It’s time to git’r’done. 

My procrastination is about weight loss surgery. 

I put it off because I’m actually terrified to do it. But most of the fears are dumb – big head little body. Losing too much weight. The surgery not working && I’m back to where I started. Those fears. But the upside to doing it is a lot better than the silly fears I have. 

Boyfriend asked me to marry him on my birthday. I said yes. How can I look into the future with him like that if I don’t do something about my health? I refuse to force him to bury another girlfriend before he is 40. I refuse to force my brother to bury me before we’re 40. I refuse to force my friends to bury another person before we are 40 – just because I can’t control my weight.

Even pulling off the weight I do still have health issues. Kidney issues. Heart issues. But I know that if I pull off this weight that a lot of it will get a teeny bit better. I need a better relationship with myself before I can expect everyone else to have it.

So 2024 will be the year of me. I will get back into the groove for the surgery and pull this weight off. That way I can live a bit longer than most expect. Plus. I’m 36 years old && I’ve never seen the world as a thinner person. The smallest I can remember being was in high school – I weighed 205 pounds. Doesn’t sound a lot? I’m 5’2″. 205 pounds would be great if I was 5’7″ or taller. But I’m short. And round.

Here’s to finding out what Barb looks like thin. Hopefully it’s not scary!