Tag: health

Just tired.

I’m always so tired but at the same time I have trouble sleeping.

I don’t know if it is just a part of everything that is wrong with me or I’m lacking something that most people have that I just don’t seem to. Last night I laid down around 9 o’clock because I was tired. I laid in bed, staring at the wall until around midnight. When I finally dozed off. This morning I woke up around 8 – by 11, I was asleep in my chair. I feel like I’m in my 90’s sometimes having to nap throughout the day or I can’t make it.

It’s frustrating.

I shouldn’t be as tired as I am all the time. I even have trouble staying awake at work WHILE WORKING. I find myself sometimes moving to the other side of the room so I can talk to people to keep myself awake && it’s worse on Sunday mornings.

It’s almost 9:30 PM right now && I’m so tired. But I know I will go to bed && never go to sleep. That’s more frustrating than just being tired all the time. I get mad at the Boyfriend sometimes. We’ll go to bed and he’ll lay down, once his head hits the pillow he’s out. Snoring. Me? Naw, I’m just laying there staring at him fuming because I can’t sleep.

The days I work I drink Zzzquil to go to sleep && it doesn’t always work. I try to be in bed by seven the nights I work because I have to wake up at 4 AM (which, by the way, I don’t like), but there are times I’m still awake at 10:30 PM just laying there. No yawning, nothing. Just laying in the dark.

The tiredness in turn makes living life really complicated. I’m always telling myself things I need to accomplish throughout the day, but I’m just so tired I don’t want to. Today has been the coolest, weather wise, in a few months && I wanted to start walking again. I have the want to do it. I don’t have the oomph to do it. I try but when it comes to actually doing it my body is just so tired I don’t even want to put on shoes. Lately, it takes me a lot to just go to the store. The thought of having to wake up Thursday at four in the morning to go to work is driving me crazy. && it’s only Tuesday night.

I love to cook && my tiredness makes that a very hard chore to do. I wanted to clean the bedroom but instead of actually helping, I sat on the bed && watched the Boyfriend clean it. I have heard that heart disease will make you tired, but should it make me THIS tired? Especially if my function is getting better? At the same time, I have read that kidney disease will make you tired. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to being tired.

I have already given up on the keto lifestyle. Why you ask? Because nothing I read before I started that type of eating told me that I wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom. && after two weeks of nothing happening, pain, and crying on the toilet – I stopped. Now you’re saying “you can take supplements”. If I could afford that kind of lifestyle I would. I will just have to do it on my own way. Although, after stopping the keto style, I have still dropped weight. Downside, my blood sugar is in the 200’s again. Yeah, not eating a lot of carbs my blood sugar was staying below 200 – in fact, it was staying around 130 to 150, which is really good for someone who is usually in the 300’s. My Dexcom beeped this morning. I went above 300. I figured after dinner it would have beeped again, but so far it hasn’t, but the night isn’t over yet.

Concentration is hard.

I want to write.

Writing is all I think about. I think about writing more than I think about food && when you’re a foodaholic, that’s a lot. But when I sit down to write nothing seems to come out. Nothing seems to make sense && nothing seems to work our properly.

I cannot seem to concentrate when it comes to writing, or editing. My mind start wandering && I begin thinking about something else. Lately, I’ve been thinking about playing Fallout 4 – again. (Side note: I’ve already beat it once, but I have been working on beating it again where I side with a different side of the game. Last time I sided with the Institute && had to murder the Brotherhood. Now, I want to side with the Brotherhood.) Or I start thinking that maybe I just need to read more. Maybe that’s what is clogging up my brain, but at the same time, I can’t concentrate to read either.

I recently bought every book written by Harry Dolan (I really enjoyed his first book). I have them all sitting beside my bed just waiting. I began reading his second book but I cannot seem to concentrate long enough to read through it. When I start reading I begin thinking, maybe I should be writing && not reading. Then I pull out my book && start editing just in time for my brain to start thinking about Fallout 4.

It’s just a big old circle I would love to get out of.

Oh! Let’s not forget. When I’m sitting around doing nothing, writing, reading, or playing video games, my brain is screaming at me that I probably should be exercising. Speaking of, I told Boyfriend on Monday that I wanted to go for a walk. My right foot has been hurting ever since. But what makes it weird, I never went for my walk because just talking about it my foot started hurting && now I can barely walk on it without it hurting. Can someone tell my body to stop so I don’t die at 45?

So here I sit in front of the computer typing words into a white square so I can say I at least write something. I woke up the other day after having a very vivid dream. I went straight to the computer, sat down && pulled up a blog to write. I had decided that I would write something new, once a week, that would be a story that could be read like a television series. Something new every week. It’s still saved in my drafts. I never wrote it – which is the story of my life.

I have some great ideas when it comes to writing && then I just…. can’t. Maybe it’s I don’t. I have figured out that I sabotage myself. Maybe I do that with writing too? All I know for sure, 100% – if I don’t finish something I will never be published. Whether it’s self-published or published through a company, it’ll never happen if I don’t do something now. I feel like I’m running out of time.

Although, that’s not true. Some of the writers I read don’t get published until they are in their 40’s or older. There’s never a stopping point. You’re never too old to do something different. I read a story once about a romance writer (mommy porn) that didn’t write her first book until she was in her 80’s. But then I hear stories about writers who write && publish their first book at 14. I think it just depends on the person && how much time they dedicate to writing.

November will be 9 years of writing/editing this book. I have been writing this book way too long.

I didn’t start one back when I was 19. Then my computer crashed && I lost everything. EVERY. THING. I swore then I’d never write another. But in 2012 (25 years old) I was overcome with the inspiration && just started writing. Like I can remember the whole time line. 2015, January, I finished the rough draft. I can remember because I was at work && I wanted to scream. But I calmly told my supervisor && co-workers which they told me to scream. So I squealed. Three years of writing, finally done. Now, I had to edit. It’s not 2021 && I am still editing that stupid book.

I know I talk about this a lot. As much as I talk about it you’d like I would just finish it. How hard is that for me to understand && grasp?

JUST. FINISH. THE. BOOK.

Sabotage.

I sabotage myself.

I’ve had many years to think about why I do this to myself. Normally, I would say I don’t – I mean, why would someone purposely sabotage themselves? What would be the point? But as I’ve gotten older, && have had more time to think about it I have realized that I do. && the reason behind it is ridiculous.

I think I’m too old to be thin.

I told you it was stupid. A part of my brain believes that I am too old to lose weight because everyone says that when people get older their supposed to gain weight. So I have had years of believing that thin only applies to young people. That part of me feels that I have missed out on the thin part of life && since I’ve been overweight for so long that what’s the point?

But I am trying to have a different mindset. I’m trying to make that part of my brain realize that it’s not about being thin, or hot, or sexy. It’s about being alive. I know that if I keep going the direction I’m going, even with all of the good news this last doctor round, that I’m not going to live to see the end of my 40’s. && to be honest, I don’t want to die in my 40’s or 50’s. I want to be able to grow old && be the cranky lady with blue hair. I want to personally pay off my house. I want to know that my brother won’t have to bury me way too soon && live the rest of his life without any family around him. (We basically only have each other. && before my cousins/aunts/uncles get angry, I know we have y’all. I meant – like… here-here. I know if I need you all I have to do is call you. Same way with me with ya’ll.)

But I keep watching people older than me get the stomach surgery because they want to live the rest of their life healthier and happier. That’s what I want. I just want to know that I don’t need to be scared everyday and hate myself for eating something. Plus, I would really LOVE to get off of most of this medication. Will losing weight get me off all of it? Probably not – but most of it. I don’t think I would have high blood pressure or diabetes anymore. Because they are here because of my weight && my body getting tired. So I just need to give my body a boost and losing weight is the way to do that.

So I need to get my brain to stop thinking otherwise.

The Rut Must Go!

I went for a walk today.

It’s nothing huge && not a big accomplishment, but I did. I walked outside earlier && there was a nice little breeze, it wasn’t excruciatingly hot today, so I put on my walking shoes && out the door I went. Boyfriend && I walked up to the park here in town and walked around it. We have this whole thing down. We will walk from the house to the park, walk around it a few times, and then wonder over to the small store next to it and get something to drink, then walk back to the park – go around a few more times && then walk home.

At least that is what we began doing a few months ago – before the toe incident.

Him && I just walked && talked. We talk a lot to each other && so it’s not anything new. But today we talked about things we would do if we were rich. I have always believed that I would be a fantastic rich person. Mostly because I’m full of love && I want to help so many people. (This is why people that know me well call me Canadian. I’m not, I was born in Texas.) So him && I talked about things we would want to do in this town that would benefit everyone including ourselves. Yes, I know people are always talking about wanting to help people if they had the money to do it, but I’m honestly not just saying it. Give me millions && see what I would do to help people. Yes, I would do some things for myself. Everyone does. I would make selfish decisions, but I can’t live uncomfortably if I’m trying to help others. && I’m not talking about building myself a huge mansion or buy a Lamborghini. I’m talking about smaller things for myself. I don’t really need anything. ((Other than a new house because bitches be lying about this house && it’s a piece of crap!!! I’m still salty. Have I wrote about this journey? I may at a later date.)

The walk was nice though. It began getting a little warmer the longer we walked, but according to my walking app we walked 1.38 miles in 44 minutes. I always like it when I go to doctors && we talk about exercising. They look at me && my size && always tell me “just start off slow, walk five minutes && work up from there.” I’m always thinking about myself, I can walk longer than that. That’s one thing I never want to lose the ability to do – walking at least a mile && still be able to move. Maybe when I’m older it can fade, but since I’m only in my 30’s, I would like to be able to walk a mile && not want to die. Even if I don’t walk for years && then start back up, I want that ability. && so far, I’ve kept it.

Although, there was a time I could walk a mile in 30 minutes. But I’m at turtle speed now.

I’m still trying for the keto-ish dieting idea plan strategy. Am I doing 100% great? No, of course not. I did make zucchini noodles the other day with some chicken. Boyfriend && I were nervous, so I only made two zucchini’s that night – I boiled it for one minute. It was turned out pretty good. Will I do it again? Probably, but with more zucchini. Next on my list is to use cauliflower instead of rice. Maybe make a fried “rice” style or something. I may do that tonight, I don’t know yet.

No matter – I’m here trying.

Good News && Bad News.

I think I am staring to realize why people with diabetes don’t live very long.

I probably shouldn’t say that, especially when words where people can find them forever. Because now, if I pass away everyone is going to think it’s because of the diabetes. It won’t be. I’m trucking along with it. I’m just mad. So, very, mad.

I agreed to start seeing a endocrinologist to fix my issues with my high sugar levels so my other issues with start getting better. So they put me on insulin, which I’ve told y’all before – nothing new there. This last week I had an appointment with them to check up on my progress. I had to tell them that my nu8mbers are still between 250 && 300 every day, every single time I take it. && of course they tell me that they shouldn’t be.

I know this.

So they go through the normal questions: are you taking the insulin like you’re supposed to? Are you snacking between meals? Do you consume a lot of sugar? Are you telling us the complete truth? Then of course, with each question, their look basically says I am lying about it all.

Yes. I take my insulin like they asked me to.
No. I do not snack in between meals. Ask Boyfriend, I’m not lying.
No. I do not eat sugar, whether it’s in drinks, or foods.
Yes, I’m telling the complete truth.

But the looks. You know the looks. If you’re overweight, and you’re asked these questions, you know the looks. I’m pretty sure they asked me if I snack four times, within five minutes, with smaller questions in between.

Let’s break The Barb down. When I was younger && still drinking out of bottles, my mother would put watered down Diet Coke in them. That’s what I grew up drinking, guess what? I still drink diet beverages. My tea, at home, is fake sugar. I don’t eat cakes, or pies, or sugary treats. I don’t eat chips, ice cream, or candy. I barely drink soda, && when I do buy one, I can make a 20 ounce last a week, if not longer. Chips, if I happen to buy a bag, I eat approximately five chips, Boyfriend finishes the bag. I don’t eat bread, even on sandwiches, I tend to just eat the inside of it. Tuna salad sandwich, I make this on weekends when I don’t have much time to cook, && I get a bowl, no bread, and eat it with a spoon.

So here I am. Blood sugar ranging, all the time, between 250 && 300. So I tell Boyfriend, maybe I need to cut more carbs out. I’ve stopped eating pasta as much as I did, bread is out, and I rarely eat potatoes. Which is leaving rice – lately, it’s all I want. So I told him, maybe – I need to stop eating rice for a little while && see if I can get my sugars down. But what happens when I put it back in my diet? I don’t plan to not eat it forever. My blood sugar is going to spike, yet again.

They also preach on my weight. Which is where the looks come in when asking about my “snacking habits”. Yes, I have moments where I have the “munchies” && eat and eat and eat. && sometimes, I ignore then munchies. The last two days my munchies have been horrible. But I have had pig skins, which I’ve munched on. They have no carbs – full of calories, but… one or the other, right?

I’m usually a calorie counter because I know it works for me. Count those, exercise, my weight drops. That’s even not cutting out carbs. Now I’m looking at cutting out carbs so I can’t really count calories? Can I? Wouldn’t that be too much?

I tried the “low carb” diet once. I was so angry through the whole experience that it lasted two weeks before the anger took over and I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Now you’re wondering, what made me angry? Everyone preaches about how good the low to no carb diet is and that it’s the bomb-diggity. But when you actually Google the carb amount in foods you’ll realize that EVERYTHING has carbs. EVERYTHING! A freaking pickle. I love pickles and they are great to munch on when you’re counting calories. Yes, don’t get me wrong, they only have one carb (((PER PICKLE))), but still!

Fruit. Veggies. Cheese (which is the number one thing people preach you can eat) – all. have. carbs.

Heck, the frozen Atkins meals that you can buy in most grocery stores – have at least 15 carbs in each box. So people tell me to stick with meats. Okay, that’s fine, but guess what? Remember? I have gout. Yeah! It’s like anything && everything that can be wrong with me right now, is wrong.

Today’s numbers weren’t horrible. This morning I took it && it was 199, it’s high, but at least it wasn’t 250. Last night for dinner I had a sandwich, with no bread, pickles && pig skins. This morning I ate a sandwich with no bread, pickles and pig skins. So I stuck with meat – although, the meats I chose aren’t heart healthy. I took my numbers before dinner and it was 159. Had pork chops, sautéed onions, and cauliflower bites (cauliflower covered in cheese, bacon bits, and green onions.) I haven’t retaken the numbers yet, but I’m hoping they aren’t extremely high. But you know.

On good notes: the doctors are saying that my heart && kidney function are getting better. My A1C went from 9.6 to 8.4, but my weight is staying around the same. So I’m not gaining, but I’m not losing. && that’s because of the exercise rut I’m in. I cannot find any motivation to exercise. I don’t know if it’s only because it’s hot outside or because I just don’t want to. Maybe a mix of both? I was told that my magnesium is low so I was told to take a supplement/eat foods high in magnesium && we’ll check that again in October.

Basically, I have two months – August && September – to lose some weight && try to get my A1C even lower. So here is to that.

Ruts. What?

I am in a rut.

Whether it’s a life rut, exercise rut, or diet rut. I’m in the rut. A huge rut that I’m sinking into like quicksand. It’s about up to my waist and I am having the hardest time getting out of it.

I try to talk to Boyfriend about it && try to figure out how to get myself out of it, but I cannot seem to find the words to explain to him how I feel. I usually just end up in tears – yes, still. So, I figured instead of driving myself crazier, maybe I just need to sit down && write.

Ugh! Writing. (((Rut.)))

Reading. (((Rut.)))

Maybe it’s a life rut. I mean, don’t get the wrong idea – I’m not thinking about ending my life. Came too close to that earlier this year. As much as I miss my parents, I’m not quite ready to see them again. Know what I mean?

Sometimes, I’ve noticed, people just get in ruts. It’s usually because a change is needed or maybe just a routine shake up. I’m not sure where to go from that theory, though. The last time I felt like this I was twenty, a few weeks away from my twenty-first birthday. The Brother ended up taking me to Amarillo, Texas to my grandfather to stay with him for a little bit. I ended up spending a lot of time with my aunt && uncle and attending their church. (If they read this, know, that it may have been a small thing, but it helped me so much just getting to know great people and find something I think I was missing. That can be for another post. Unless of course, I’ve already written about it.) But sadly, my grandfather passed away in 2018, so I can’t disappear for a little while. But as an adult, is that even possible anymore? can I just take a vacation from work/life and disappear for four months?

Yeah, probably not. That’s basically just hiding away from problems && once I come back, they’ll still be here. Which wasn’t the issue when I was twenty. I didn’t really have “problems”, I just realized that I hadn’t faced and dealt with everything that happened to me growing up and it hit me in the face. Bricks, if you will. Have I dealt with EVERYTHING that I consider trauma? No, probably won’t really face it head on. Ever.

Part of that is because I wish I had told my mother when she was alive when I was still younger. I think if I had told her what I went through I wouldn’t be questioning whether it happened. && I don’t think I would do that if it wasn’t for people telling me they wouldn’t do that. Although, side note, I have thought about writing letters, with no return address, just to get my feelings out. But… what if it didn’t happen?

My memories are still a blur.

But here I sit in a dark room, alone, listening to a show on Hulu as I listen to myself hit keys forming words. I think I have been needing to do this for a while, but I have been talking myself out of it. A part of me wanted to see if maybe I could do it on my own, without putting anything to words. But as the days pass, my irriation isn’t fading and my lack of… living, isn’t getting better.

Maybe I need a new hobby? No. Stop. I don’t need a new hobby. I don’t even do the “hobbies” I have now. If we consider any of them hobbies. Maybe I need a vacation (not from life) somewhere cold? Head makes me crankier than I usually am. So, I’m cranky times a million right now.

Today it was 104 degrees when we went grocery shopping around noon.

Eh, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly. Upside, I don’t sleep all the time && I’m not finding myself staring at myself from above myself. (Post for another day.)

Do Dreams Come True?

I wonder how many people actually say their dreams did, in fact, come true. I have a dream. Other than finishing the book that I really need to finish but I’m too lazy to actually do it… I want to own && operate a food truck.

I have two loves in my life. Writing, of course, && cooking, which I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned a few times. I also do believe I said my dream job would be a food writer. Combine the best of both worlds. Travel all over the globe while trying different foods, cooked by different people and just write about it.

But I’m trying not to span too far into the atmosphere. But as I sit here and write this I find myself wondering is wanting to own, run && operate a food truck too far out the scope of reality for me? I get it. It takes money && a lot of it. I can save; I know how to do that. But lets say I did save the money, would I actually ever get to the point where I can do it before I die?

I think that’s half of my issue. A part of me is scared that I won’t see the part of my life where most people do find && achieve their dreams. Sometimes, it takes people into their 40’s & 50’s to actually get it. So I wonder – do I have that long to keep hoping that maybe I can get what I truly desire out of life.

Lately I haven’t felt well. I mean, I don’t feel like I’m knocking at deaths door, I just haven’t felt well. I have been sluggish, and still depressed. Angry, and annoyed. My medicine makes it where I don’t have an appetite so I’m not hungry half of the time. They’ve put me on insulin which I’m pretty sure is half of the depression. I thought I was moving forward, day by day, but I feel sometimes that them putting me on insulin is back tracking. But in reality, I’m pretty sure it’s not.

So that’s me. I’m scared, worried, and freaking out that I don’t have time to do what I want with my life. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want people in the future when I’m no longer here talking about something I achieved. Something I did. Something that makes people remember me. Will it be in the food world, writing world, or both worlds?

Do I think I’m going to write the next literary masterpiece? No, I don’t.
Do I think I’m going to open a food truck that eventually turns into a million dollar business that has restaurants in different countries? No, I do not.
I am realistic.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m achieving anything && I know part of that is because I’m not trying to achieve anything.

I was talking about my food truck dream at work the other night && someone said it’ll never happen while the others either didn’t say anything or said food trucks make bank && if I apply myself I can achieve it. But… where do I apply myself at? I told Boyfriend that I’m working on it && my first step is that I ordered a credit card reader that goes into your phones charging port. It’s something silly and small, but at the same time I feel like I’m heading into the right direction.

What I need is a million people to give me one dollar. That’s it. Spare one dollar for me. If anyone is interested please let me know && I’ll set up the account. In the mean time, I’ll either keep thinking about my dreams, dreaming about my dreams, or trying to crawl out of this round of depression.

Either way, I seem to be doing something, right?

Drifting Off.

Today I sat in a closet && cried while talking to a cat who just had babies.

We call her Momma Bean.

When I got of work today I had so many plans. I was going to come home and play on my new computer. So I did. I walked in, changed, && sat down in front of it. I turned it on && pulled up the internet && stared at the screen. I didn’t know what to do. I locked the computer && wandered into my bedroom pulling out my Switch, thinking maybe a little bit of Animal Crossing would help. Instead I went to the closet, I actually just wanted to check on Mama Bean, && noticed her water bowl was empty so I filled it up. Once I took it back I just sat down in the closet && loved on her for a couple minutes. Then the water works started.

I wish I could say why I cried. I wish I could say why I feel horrible. I wish I had the words inside of me that explained why I feel like I do most of the time – but I don’t. I never have. I have suffered from depression, undiagnosed, since I was 15 && possibly before. It just got worse once I buried my mother. Then I lost my father before I was even 30. Then I buried my grandfather (mom’s dad). That was my people. Those three. They wanted the best for me && before I was 32.

Before fifteen I think I felt a little out of it – lost, but don’t most teenagers feel like that? I’m not saying my life was perfect before my mom died, but I feel like a part of me died with her. I have been lost for so many years that trying to find my way has taken me a lot longer than I want to admit. I can’t remember a time that my mind was solid.

I THINK part of it is these last few months. I literally almost died in January and every time I talk to a doctor about it I always hear the same thing, “I’m surprised you didn’t have a heart attack,” or “I’m surprised you’re not dead.”

Death.

It’s a frightening thought. The thought that at 33 I was a step away from death. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t want to do it. I still don’t.

I can’t focus my brain right now. I…

…will write again later.

I’m trying..

I bought a jump rope.

It’s something small and insignificant. But I did. I bought a jump rope approximately 3 weeks ago. I was excited. When I was younger, I enjoyed jumping rope – I didn’t very often because one: I didn’t have one at home, two: because when I would at school people would make ::fat:: jokes. You know the ones: screaming earthquake when I landed, or stating when I jumped my fat moved.

So I just eventually stopped jumping rope.

I’ve been trying to find small things I can purchase that can help me lose weight && remembering how much I enjoyed jumping rope, I figured, why not? So I found one on Amazon && bought it. A couple days pass && I receive it in the mail. I’m excited! I open it && Boyfriend && I start messing with it.

I got it on a Thursday evening.

By Saturday morning it was as if my body saw the jump rope && thought ‘nope, not this time’. Because I woke up that morning with a pain in my left food so bad I wanted to cry. I’m talking worse than gallstones && kidney stones. When I first stood up I nearly fell, having to grab the bed for stability. I was unable to wear my work shoes && instead having to wear the shoes I use for walking – which isn’t in dress code. (We are supposed to wear black where my exercise shoes are grey).

I figured the pain would stop, because it eventually has to, right? That weekend at work was horrible. I could barely walk, couldn’t keep my shoe on and I wanted to cry. Saturday night into Sunday morning I cried. All night – until I eventually fell asleep. It hurt so bad I couldn’t get comfortable, no matter how I laid my foot it hurt. The fan blowing across it hurt.

I figured it was gout – nothing else made sense.

Everything said untreated gout systems last about 14 days. Okay – that’s wonderful in a nonwonderful way. I wait 14 days. My foot, big toe to be exact, still hurt. I make a doctors appointment telling her my thoughts and where, why, what hurt. She does blood work && x-ray’s – coming to the conclusion that she doesn’t think it’s gout. She said my acid levels aren’t high enough and there’s nothing on the x-ray. Okay, that’s fine – so what’s wrong with my foot?

She is on the case of an infection in my toe. She gave me antibiotics and I took them saying that she wanted to see me after I finished. The pain hadn’t stopped, so she done another blood test && x-ray’s. This time around she saw the ‘infection’ in my toe, my acids still weren’t high enough && my white blood cells were still high. I’m on my second round of antibiotics and my foot still hurts.

I am on day 18.

I’m frustrated beyond anything I thought could be possible. I have been trying to lose some weight by walking daily and since my foot has started I haven’t been able to. If I walk on my foot too long or wear a shoe, by the end of the night, I’m in so much pain that I just want to cry.

The only upside for all of this – I haven’t put on a lot of weight. I lost some and only put back on 4 pounds of what I took off. I’m staying steady. So it’s basically saying that I don’t eat horribly, but at the same time, I don’t eat too well. But I’m glad I haven’t put on too much weight since the foot started hurting.

I still remember…

I can still remember my first panic attack.

I was nineteen and was in the shower. My mind started wandering and I started thinking about events that may or may not happen. It was slow at first. My body started to tingle && then I started having trouble breathing. Even though I was in a cool shower, I got hot – began sweating. That’s when I freaked out && started crying.

I didn’t know what was happening because I had never experienced anything like this before. I lived with depression for many years but this… this was something different. Something I couldn’t explain && I quickly hopped out of the shower and went looking for people. Anyone.

At the time I lived with my brother & his girlfriend. They were home && I knew it, but they were in their room with the door shut. At that point, I normally don’t bother them. I wandered through the house for a few minutes && being as confused as I was I did the only thing I knew. I grabbed a banana and went to my brothers door.

Why did I grab a banana? Because food comforts me. Always has. (Which is what has gotten me into the position I am today.) I stood at his bedroom door saying his name over & over but their television was on && my brother is basically deaf in one ear. No one heard me. The crying got worse – I couldn’t see anymore.

I collapsed in the floor. Alone. I ate the banana.

I sat in the floor for a few minutes before my brother came out of his bedroom. His girlfriend at the time said she thought she had heard something so he went to figure out what it was. All he found was his sister, a complete mess, sitting in the floor in front of his bedroom door.

I ended up sleeping on the floor of his room that night. My Brother is always coming to the rescue when I’m needing someone. Every time I seem to be having a moment, whether it’s something serious or something that I’m making into a mountain – he’s there. He is the one person I know I can count on. But now – I know I have him && the Boyfriend.

My panic attacks still come && go. Not as often as they used to. I think that is mostly because of Boyfriend. He may not realize just how much he is helping my mental health, but he does. Knowing he is there, and won’t laugh at me when I’m having my moments, and knows exactly what to do.

Before him && I started dating I told him I’m complicated. I don’t mean to be, but sometimes my mind takes over and I start thinking && it ruins a lot of stuff. A lot of guys would consider me “crazy” but I’m not. Most girls that are considered crazy aren’t, just like most guys who are considered a loser really aren’t. I told him sometimes I just need someone to be there. Hold my hand. Let me cry. Boyfriend does that && has since we started dating.

I had a panic attack a few nights ago. The first thing I did was find Boyfriend && tell him what was going on. It’s taken me years to finally realize that when I’m having panic attacks I need to talk about it. If I don’t, it’s not going to get any better. I know it’s not that easy for a lot of people who suffer from them, but for me, I have to talk about it. I have to talk through it. The only times I can’t is when I’m alone && those are the ones that scare me the most. The other night once I found him I told him what was happening && he talked me down, for the most part.

It always starts slow, every time. It’s like my mind is trying to calm itself before it completely takes over. My skin tingles, like someone is poking me over && over with something sharp. I’ll rub my arms, trying to get the tingling to stop. Then I get hot. Like sitting in a sauna hot. Once I start getting hot I know there isn’t much turning back && I’m about to go head first into a panic attack. That’s when I start looking for someone so I can talk my way out of it.

It doesn’t always work. But usually does.

The other night it helped. Before dinner I had taken my blood sugar and it was 114. Then I made dinner, ate, and an hour-ish later it was at 113. I’m like, what? So I take it again thinking maybe it wasn’t enough blood. This time it was 95, Panic attack ensued. But after thinking about it I realized that I didn’t eat anything starchy, no bread – it was salmon with spaghetti squash && green beans. So of course my blood sugar isn’t going to go very high. It was a healthy dinner, but did my brain understand that?

No.