Take Two.

Tuesday the sixth.

I was called back by the surgeons office this afternoon. Woo! 🧑🏻‍⚕️ They were willing to set my appointment for tomorrow, but I can’t do that – I work tomorrow. So I told them Tuesday’s are best for me and I am free for whenever. So next Tuesday it is…

Normally I would ramble on and on about thoughts, worries, etc. But today will be short because I’m using my cell phone to write this. Why? Don’t laugh! 👀 One of my cats, Odis, was asleep in my computer chair && I didn’t want to wake him up. So I left the room to use my phone. ☎️

But I will say this much. My “fat brain” is freaking out && I know that it’s going to take a lot to calm it down. However, I know I need to do this to survive – I’m just, probably like everyone else on the planet that has done this surgery, scared of how it’s going to change me.

The thought of taking an hour to eat one scrambled egg terrifies me. Although, I’m pretty sure by 30 minutes in, I’m going to get bored of eating. 🍽️

I did have a check up with my doctor today. We didn’t do much so I have nothing new to go by. I did tell him that when I eat I sweat, which is weird – asked if I should be worried. He said no – he is pretty sure it’s because of my Trulicity. I also asked for a prescription of antacids because BOY! Woo! All I get anymore is heartburn. Sucks. I have an appointment next month to check my A1C. Hopefully it has gone down. I know my daily numbers are lower. Send a prayer up for me on that.

I will stop on that note && will pick it back up again later on.

Stay on the same path.

The last couple of months has been pretty interesting health wise.

I don’t want anyone to think I have been hiding a secret heart attack, or a stroke – because I haven’t. I am referring to running out of a medicine, not being able to get ahold of that particular doctor, and making my blood sugar never get below three hundred for months. The scariest part of that is wondering what it was doing to the rest of me – on the inside – the parts that I can’t see.

So yesterday when I was heading to Denton for my heart doctor appointment, a part of me was petrified. Even during the echo I was laying there, with my eyes shut – praying. I told the atmosphere that I didn’t want to be taken out like this. I didn’t want to be another heart disease statistic and go into a book about how I was overweight, and my heart couldn’t take it anymore.

Testing after testing. Poking and prodding. The doctor finally came in to speak to me about the results. Before we go there, let’s rewind to last year. I was told I was in the 20-30 beats/percentage with my heart. Basically, my heart wasn’t beating enough so I am now considered to have heart failure. That’s a scary thought especially since all this time I was alone.

Fast forward to yesterday. The doctor came in and sat down in front of me, holding her notebook . I sat there, nerves killing me – waiting for her to tell me the last few months have set me back and I have to start over. That’s what I prepared for.

“Everything looks good. The numbers are good. Your echo was fantastic.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. All I could think was – at least it’s not worse.
“So fantastic that your heart is in the normal range. We want it to be in the 50-55 && you are in the 50-55.”
I just wanted to stand up and do a dance. I was over the moon knowing that everything I was doing was working and I am still going in the right direction.
“I have never seen someone get this kind of news && be able to get it set in the right direction this fast. I am so proud of you.”

I know I am not out of the woods. I know I have a lot of work to go. I need to continue to work on my weight. I’m still stuck in the 80’s, which has made me sad, but at the same time Boyfriend keeps telling me how long were you stuck in the 90’s? I have to admit he’s correct, I was stuck in the 90’s for a while so it’s just getting out of it. I want to blame the cold the last few months, but I honestly can’t. Truth is – I haven’t had the oomph to do it. I’m just tired all of the time.

That’s another thing I must figure out. Why am I tired all the time? Before I could blame it on my heart – now I can’t. Since it’s normal, my tired levels should be better, but they aren’t. My heart doctor wants me to get with my primary && do a sleep study – but the last time I was going to do that they wanted 2,000$ up front. I don’t have that kind of cash just laying around. It’s why I haven’t done one. Side thought: Should have done it last year after my deductible was met, but that’s for a different conversation.

I do know, though, if I keep losing weight my issues will continue to decrease. Less weight means no diabetes. Less weight means no high blood pressure. No diabetes && no high blood pressure means no medication.

That’s my dream. I dream of no medication && not dying without it. Know what I mean?

But for today, I’m going to be happy and celebrate the fact that I am going in the right direction. I just have to keep going && not get irritated and stop like I did last time. Which is what has put me in this position I am in today.

Just tired.

I’m always so tired but at the same time I have trouble sleeping.

I don’t know if it is just a part of everything that is wrong with me or I’m lacking something that most people have that I just don’t seem to. Last night I laid down around 9 o’clock because I was tired. I laid in bed, staring at the wall until around midnight. When I finally dozed off. This morning I woke up around 8 – by 11, I was asleep in my chair. I feel like I’m in my 90’s sometimes having to nap throughout the day or I can’t make it.

It’s frustrating.

I shouldn’t be as tired as I am all the time. I even have trouble staying awake at work WHILE WORKING. I find myself sometimes moving to the other side of the room so I can talk to people to keep myself awake && it’s worse on Sunday mornings.

It’s almost 9:30 PM right now && I’m so tired. But I know I will go to bed && never go to sleep. That’s more frustrating than just being tired all the time. I get mad at the Boyfriend sometimes. We’ll go to bed and he’ll lay down, once his head hits the pillow he’s out. Snoring. Me? Naw, I’m just laying there staring at him fuming because I can’t sleep.

The days I work I drink Zzzquil to go to sleep && it doesn’t always work. I try to be in bed by seven the nights I work because I have to wake up at 4 AM (which, by the way, I don’t like), but there are times I’m still awake at 10:30 PM just laying there. No yawning, nothing. Just laying in the dark.

The tiredness in turn makes living life really complicated. I’m always telling myself things I need to accomplish throughout the day, but I’m just so tired I don’t want to. Today has been the coolest, weather wise, in a few months && I wanted to start walking again. I have the want to do it. I don’t have the oomph to do it. I try but when it comes to actually doing it my body is just so tired I don’t even want to put on shoes. Lately, it takes me a lot to just go to the store. The thought of having to wake up Thursday at four in the morning to go to work is driving me crazy. && it’s only Tuesday night.

I love to cook && my tiredness makes that a very hard chore to do. I wanted to clean the bedroom but instead of actually helping, I sat on the bed && watched the Boyfriend clean it. I have heard that heart disease will make you tired, but should it make me THIS tired? Especially if my function is getting better? At the same time, I have read that kidney disease will make you tired. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to being tired.

I have already given up on the keto lifestyle. Why you ask? Because nothing I read before I started that type of eating told me that I wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom. && after two weeks of nothing happening, pain, and crying on the toilet – I stopped. Now you’re saying “you can take supplements”. If I could afford that kind of lifestyle I would. I will just have to do it on my own way. Although, after stopping the keto style, I have still dropped weight. Downside, my blood sugar is in the 200’s again. Yeah, not eating a lot of carbs my blood sugar was staying below 200 – in fact, it was staying around 130 to 150, which is really good for someone who is usually in the 300’s. My Dexcom beeped this morning. I went above 300. I figured after dinner it would have beeped again, but so far it hasn’t, but the night isn’t over yet.

Beat Myself Up!

(Originally wrote 5/21/2021 – finally was able to upload it.)

I have eater’s remorse. It’s kind of like buyer’s remorse (which sometimes I have that also), but instead it’s when I eat something. Food is something that has always given me comfort, whether I was happy/sad/mad/disgusted – I knew I had food and it wouldn’t let me down. The last few years I have been attempting to get over my struggle and fight with food and my bad eating habits, which probably isn’t as bad as a lot of people, for me, it’s bad. But all I’ve noticed is that it has turned even uglier because now when I eat I feel bad for hours afterwards && start trying to think of a way to get rid of it. (No, I don’t make myself puke.)

I told Boyfriend once, && it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t feel it, that I feel bad after eating. Not “feel bad” like in a sick way, but like, I feel terrible because I ate it. I told him I wanted to be the type of person who can go into a convenience store and buy a corn dog, eat it with some good ol’ mustard, and not hate myself for three hours afterwards. But I can’t.

There is a store here in my town that has the best corn dogs. They are always crispy on the outside and juicy yummy on the inside. I would stop by there sometimes && grab a couple and go home. Then afterwards, I was trying to make sense in my head why I was so mad at myself for eating two corndogs when I barely eat them as it is.

Since all of these doctor appointments my eater’s remorse has gotten worse. Today for lunch at work, I wanted to treat my people so I told them if they wanted something from Taco Casa that I would pay for it. (They work really hard && sometimes you just need to show that you care && appreciate them.) So I took everyone’s orders && my manager went && picked it up. I paid. I decided that I would get something from there, nothing huge, not a lot, just something. I really like their nachos – well, okay, I like their chips && cheese which I add the crumbled meat and just dip my chips in it. It’s not even a large set of nachos.

I sat here && ate it. Got full && stopped, tossing whatever was left. Then I sat here && thought about what I had just eaten. Thinking to myself, ‘why did I eat that? Why didn’t I just eat what I brought?’ (A healthy choice frozen dinner with some veggies.) But now, it’s even worse, because I also ordered a tea because it sounded delicious. I mean, who doesn’t like a good glass of tea? That was also on my mind. I kept thinking I didn’t need to drink that especially since it wasn’t unsweet (which is what I wanted but that’s fine). Why did I eat it? Drink the tea?

Sometimes I feel if I eat certain things that I’m basically saying my life isn’t good enough to keep going && that I am wasting what I do have left. Then I start feeling like crap, this time I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

But I don’t feel like this with all food – last night for dinner I made salmon && creamy rice. I didn’t feel bad after eating that. I felt great! I wasn’t overly full && I didn’t feel horrible afterwards.

Before the hospital stay I ate how I wanted knowing that I can lose weight without changing a lot of what I eat. But now, I feel like everything I put in my mouth is a death sentence. Nothing is good, nothing should be consumed, when the logical part of my brain knows that isn’t right.

My relationship with food has always been complicated && now I feel like I should be breaking up with food all together. That it && me just can’t go on like this && I have no idea how to fix my issue.

&& yes, I do have buyer’s remorse. The only two things in my life I do not regret buying was my first car when I was 18 && my house when I was 31ish. Well, I say I don’t have it with the house. I didn’t. Until this year when I found out everything in my is trying to shut down && stop working that in 30 years (the note length) I may not even be here to finish paying for it.

This may not be completely about food && more about possibly not being here for as long as I had planned. I feel like I need to start doing everything that I wanted to in life so I can be remembered as the girl who did it all. I want to finish my book, open a restaurant, help people – be known for something. If I died tomorrow – what would people remember me as? The girl who showed up for work every day that didn’t help anyone anywhere. I don’t want this to define me but I’m in a spot where this is what it is. This is me. This is my life. I will be dead && no one will remember me. I will have left no mark whatsoever on anyone.

I always imagined great things for myself && that by now, I thought I would have already achieved most of it. The ONLY thing I have gotten was a house && found the love of my life.

I know what you’re thinking – if my dream is to finish the book && open a restaurant – then what’s stopping me? The book – I hate reading it to edit it because I hate my writing. Always have (story for another day unless I’ve already wrote about it). I am trying to finish editing the book so I can get the junk out of it that I know exists within the walls of it, but I can’t seem to read enough of it to finish the editing process. I know – I could just let someone read it && edit it for me. Problem! I don’t want anyone to read it right now because of the junk inside of it. I know it can be better than it is && before I offer to let people read it I want to fix it. But to fix it, I have to read it. To read it I have to get over my insecurities that I have about my writing.

Restaurant? I found a building I want. It’s in the perfect location in the town I life in. In fact, it’s on the end of my road – I could walk there. I know with a little tender love && care, a little bit of renovation, that it could be the greatest little restaurant anyone has seen in my town, population of 483 in 2018. Sounds great, right? A little too great, of course. The building is 178,000$ && unfortunately, I do not have 178,000$ to drop on a building that I would need more money to renovate (it wasn’t a restaurant to start with.) Actually, I do believe it started out as a bank then it was turned into the water department, which just recently moved down the street to a building they built just for it. Now it’s empty. It even still has the window when it was a bank that I could turn into a drive thru. Yes! I have given it THAT much thought.

I think I’m rambling now.

The other night I got sick. Wednesday night. After I got done filling my trash can, I laid there alone && wondered if this is a new symptom. Is this something new telling me that I’m slowly deteriorating and that soon there will be no more of me? It’s a scary thought when you’re only 33 years old that tomorrow my heart could just stop working. I mean, it’s barely working as it is.

I am pretty sure my depression is sparked back up && last time it nearly drove me crazy. But last time I didn’t have Boyfriend. I have him now. Hopefully he has enough mental stamina for the both of us. But even in that sense, that’s a lot of worry to put on a man that could still decide to leave.

I think what bothers me is that I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel like…. I should feel… for someone that has heart && kidney issues. I feel like… I should feel worse. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my days. But on those days do I feel bad because of my heart && kidneys or do I just feel bad? Like Wednesday – people puke. People eat stuff that doesn’t agree with their stomach && the puke. Maybe I just got sick. Boyfriend said he didn’t feel good either. He can’t get sick because of MY heart && kidney issues.