Tag: personal ramblings

To-do List.

Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.

That’s easy: dishes && laundry.

I know it said one thing but I’m pretty sure my dishes and laundry is in the same pot. I feel like the more I do of each, the more there is to do. Like they multiply. They have sex in the night && by morning they’ve reproduced by the millions.

Our dish washer broke. 😞 So it is going to be even more of a headache to do the dishes. But then again, I haven’t met anyone that loves to do dishes. Do you love to do dishes?

It takes three to four times to dry out laundry. Then when we finally get it dry, takes me another fourteen ages to actually fold and put it up. But I think a lot of people do that. 😂😂 When I lived alone I would do laundry, end up putting it on my bed, && sleeping with it for a good month. 🧺

But what can I say? 🍽️ 🧺

Places to see. People to do.

Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.

So I live in southern Oklahoma. So southern that I’m about 15 minutes from Texas. A short trip half way across a bridge – BAM! 💥 I am in Texas. In fact, I am closer to Denton, Texas than Oklahoma City and the same distance from here to Dallas and here to Oklahoma City.

My point?

I have never been to Six Flags over Texas. For the ones not from Oklahoma or Texas, that doesn’t seem like a big deal. However, if you’re from around here && I say that, it still shocks people.

Six Flags over Texas is one of those places people here get yearly passes. They go there all the time. Any chance they get.

Then there’s me. I have been to Walt Disney World in Florida – but not Six Flags. Go figure!

But let’s be honest. I haven’t been to a lot of places. Zoos. Aquariums. Museums. I don’t get out much. Even as a kid, I didn’t have friends that asked me to go places like that with them && my parents didn’t have the money to go.

As a kid I spent a lot of time with my mom – usually wherever she worked, you’d probably be able to find me. So going to places like that just didn’t seem like a big deal.

As an adult, I kind of wish I had gone. But who would I have gone with? && now, those places interest me, but I feel like I am too old. If I had children of my own, I could see going – but I don’t. I feel like those places (even thinking about going to Walt Disney World) are built and made for children to enjoy. Single adults can’t go by themselves.

I mean, yeah… I could “borrow” children from family. But isn’t that weird?

First and Foremost.

Write about your first computer.

I was twelve when we got the first family computer. So approximately 1999.

It wasn’t fancy, just an average white computer. 💻 I am pretty sure it was the same computer most families bought. Except for my best friend who had one of those clear backs with color made by McIntosh and sold my Apple – “iMac”. I was so jealous of her computer. I wanted one so bad! Hers was blue.

I do remember being fascinated by it. (Kind of still am fascinated by computers). It’s the reason I took computer classes in middle and high school. I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I took computers in college. && I’m pretty sure I can blame that, and my High School computer teacher, as to why I can type 100 words per minute.

We had dial up. So I always had to ask permission to get online. But at 12, I didn’t find much use online. My mom used it the most to talk to my cousin who lived in Michigan. They used to write handwritten letters to each other, then they got computers. (Well, sometimes they used a typewriter but mostly written by hand. *pretty sure that’s where I get my love of being a pen-pal).

I didn’t really get into computers – staying on them for hours and hours – until I was around 16. That’s when I dropped out of high school. That’s when I became a whole different person. Online I was the version of myself I always wanted to be. In person – most people didn’t know I still existed. *that’s more true than I’d like to admit*

I lived on the computer until I was in my early 20’s. After that I couldn’t figure out what I did online that took so much of my time. So much of my life. Now I will get on the computer for writing purposes (I also work with computers), or maybe to Google something. I am not on it very long – if I get on it.

Today I have a Dell computer that I bought off Amazon. It came with two monitors and a keyboard. The monitors didn’t work and the keyboard was trash. So I bought a monitor from Wal-Mart – it MIGHT be Samsung or an off brand something or another. The keyboard lights up and I bought it on New Egg. 🥚

Take Two.

Tuesday the sixth.

I was called back by the surgeons office this afternoon. Woo! 🧑🏻‍⚕️ They were willing to set my appointment for tomorrow, but I can’t do that – I work tomorrow. So I told them Tuesday’s are best for me and I am free for whenever. So next Tuesday it is…

Normally I would ramble on and on about thoughts, worries, etc. But today will be short because I’m using my cell phone to write this. Why? Don’t laugh! 👀 One of my cats, Odis, was asleep in my computer chair && I didn’t want to wake him up. So I left the room to use my phone. ☎️

But I will say this much. My “fat brain” is freaking out && I know that it’s going to take a lot to calm it down. However, I know I need to do this to survive – I’m just, probably like everyone else on the planet that has done this surgery, scared of how it’s going to change me.

The thought of taking an hour to eat one scrambled egg terrifies me. Although, I’m pretty sure by 30 minutes in, I’m going to get bored of eating. 🍽️

I did have a check up with my doctor today. We didn’t do much so I have nothing new to go by. I did tell him that when I eat I sweat, which is weird – asked if I should be worried. He said no – he is pretty sure it’s because of my Trulicity. I also asked for a prescription of antacids because BOY! Woo! All I get anymore is heartburn. Sucks. I have an appointment next month to check my A1C. Hopefully it has gone down. I know my daily numbers are lower. Send a prayer up for me on that.

I will stop on that note && will pick it back up again later on.

Cold && Tired.

I’m writing this on my phone tonight. Ever just not feel like life? That’s me tonight.

It’s cold && I’m not liking it. Normally I love the cold but this year I’m not. Our pipes froze so if we have to use the restroom we go to the local gas station – which sucks.

I’m sitting in bed right now under three blankets listening to SpongeBob. We have a space heater going but it only does so much. Thankfully we usually have like 8 cats in bed with us, so that helps with body heat.

But that’s me tonight in a nutshell. I almost said to heck with writing for today but decided I really need to write something. So here is my “something”.

Have a good night. See y’all tomorrow…

Second Chances: Yes or No?

How do you feel about second chances?

I know I started doing these one a day questions so I could find my passion for writing again, but if you’re following along and find a question you like, feel free to write about it. Tag back to me. See if we can get people to start one a day writing.

If you had asked me twelve or thirteen years ago how I felt about second chances, I’m pretty sure my answer would be different. (Keep in mind twelve years ago I was around 24.) Then I would have said everyone deserves a second chance. && while I still do think some do deserve a second chance, I’m not as lenient about who gets the second chance.

In my late teens to early twenties I would have said everyone deserves second chances. Everyone deserves a chance to show that they’d changed for the better. I honestly believed it. To the point that I was writing people in prison so they knew, that when their second chance started, they’d have a friend that believed in them. (I was around 15 to 17 when I was doing that. I don’t do that anymore. Although, I do miss having a pen pal.)

I think after the 100th time behind shafted for being so naïve, is when I finally stopped giving second chances to everyone. Now, of course, I do still believe, in some cases, that people do deserve second chances. && if I did something stupid, that someone, somewhere, would give me the second chance to prove I”ve changed.

However, I do not believe in double-second-chances. Once I give you a second chance to prove yourself, you do it again, I’m done. I’m walking away. Never looking back. I’m tired of being the laughing stock – the butt of jokes – just because at one point in my life I really believed in people && thought if they really wanted to change, they could.

What I have learned is. If they do want to chance. They can. But it has to be their decision and I cannot make that decision for them. I can’t be the one who is always cheering them on when they won’t take the first step to actually do what they need to do to prover that they are a changed person. Which is what second chances are. They are there to prove to everyone around you that you are ready to be a better person and not do the stupid, ignorant, convoluted things you were doing in the past. But if you can’t commit to the change, why should I go out of my way to help you?

Can you tell I’ve been burned a few times?

I think my issue is that I haven’t been burned a lot with second chances, that was usually with a family member, because why would a family member screw you over multiple times? (I did say I can be naïve.) I think my issue is who to trust more than who needs a second chance.

I have had friends through my life that I sit and wonder why we were “friends” && whether or not we were actually friends. I’m sure a lot of people think that way at some point in their lives. But I feel like I’ve thought it more often than I should. I could give examples, but I’m sure some of them will read this && then send me stupid messages && I don’t want to deal with it.

So in your opinion, second chances.. are they worth it? Or should everyone just steer clear of them? Are people worth it to see if they’d change?

Procrastination.

What is something you’ve been procrastinating with that you can no longer put off?

I’m a huge procrastinator – so it’s not hard to believe that I have put a lot of things off. But one thing in particular I’ve been thinking about since 2021 – since my health decided to decline, but not too terribly. I’m still living && not dying any time soon.

However. As a reasonable person, I do realize if I don’t do something now, it won’t be like that. I’m staring down the barrel of a 45, not literally, but I am. 

I think I’ve talked about it before a couple of times where I was thinking about doing it. I’m done thinking. It’s time to git’r’done. 

My procrastination is about weight loss surgery. 

I put it off because I’m actually terrified to do it. But most of the fears are dumb – big head little body. Losing too much weight. The surgery not working && I’m back to where I started. Those fears. But the upside to doing it is a lot better than the silly fears I have. 

Boyfriend asked me to marry him on my birthday. I said yes. How can I look into the future with him like that if I don’t do something about my health? I refuse to force him to bury another girlfriend before he is 40. I refuse to force my brother to bury me before we’re 40. I refuse to force my friends to bury another person before we are 40 – just because I can’t control my weight.

Even pulling off the weight I do still have health issues. Kidney issues. Heart issues. But I know that if I pull off this weight that a lot of it will get a teeny bit better. I need a better relationship with myself before I can expect everyone else to have it.

So 2024 will be the year of me. I will get back into the groove for the surgery and pull this weight off. That way I can live a bit longer than most expect. Plus. I’m 36 years old && I’ve never seen the world as a thinner person. The smallest I can remember being was in high school – I weighed 205 pounds. Doesn’t sound a lot? I’m 5’2″. 205 pounds would be great if I was 5’7″ or taller. But I’m short. And round.

Here’s to finding out what Barb looks like thin. Hopefully it’s not scary!

Holiday’s Make Me Happy.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite holiday? Why is it your favorite?
View all responses

It’s not much of a secret, to be honest, what my favorite holiday is. You can walk into my shed and see boxes filled with Christmas decorations, t-shirts that are Christmas themed, and one day a Christmas themed tattoo. That’s my holiday. That’s my happy time. && I’m pretty sure there are many reasons why, I won’t take up 1000 minutes of your time with every reason so I’ll knock it down to two reasons: One, it’s so much cooler around Christmas; Two, the decorations / music / movies / people.

From March until around October in Southern Oklahoma it’s hot. Humid. It’s gross. So when November && December comes around it begins to cool off && usually, I say usually because it’s not always true, around Christmas it’s in the 50’s to 60’s. Sometimes, even cooler. It’s definitely a Christmas gift all on it’s own.

I can’t stray away from looking at the decorations to listening to the music or even watching those horrible Hallmark movies that you can watch && know exactly what is going to happen. You always know. There’s jokes about how horrible those movies really are. But I don’t care. I love – LOVE – Christmas movies. In fact, I have a few that I must watch yearly: Santa Clause (only the first one), && Christmas With the Kranks. But from there, I watch them all. I even may re-watch some that I have watched before just to get my fill. I’ll even subscribe to the Hallmark Movie Channel for two months out of the year. It’s like a drug.

I know, this isn’t always true, but usually, normally, sort of – kind of, people are just infinitely happier around Christmas. && when people are happier, I’m happier. I don’t do well with a lot of negative vibes, never have, it eats at me slowly until I’m just uncomfortable which in turn makes me unhappy. Cranky even. But with people smiling, happy, giddy, I am all of those things && more because now I can go into public and not be a “bah hum bug”. But of course, you still come across those people, it just happens. But I try my best to get away from them as quick as I can so I don’t have to deal with it. It bums out my style.

Worlds.

Trying to break into worlds is hard.

No, this isn’t about me trying to find a way into another galaxy or proving that there is life in space. What I’m stating, is facts, that when you try to break into worlds it’s hard.

The writing community is huge. A lot of book worms, writers, authors, agents, editors, etc. && trying to get welcomed into it is like trying to sit at the popular table in high school. Sadly, I was never invited.

I have never been good at popularity contests && I wasn’t part of the “in crowd” && thinking that the writing community makes me feel like that is a harsh reality. I honestly know it’s not a popularity contest… but I feel like that. I also feel if you don’t have the money to spend you’ll never be published.

I figured the best way for an unknown is to publish it myself. Which is totally fine – I don’t mind doing the hard work. But I really wanted a professional editor to read through it, find the errors but unless I can poop out nearly $3,000 that will never happen. &&& I know they are worth the money, I just don’t have it to spend.

Then I think ‘okay, let’s skip the professional editing.’ Knowing that it’s self published, “most” readers will look over a lot of them. I will just edit the crap out of it.

Next hurdle. To self-publish, you need extra money. Thousands. I found a company that helps self publish but as I began reading I realized that not only do they request thousands of dollars they also keep 80¢ on every dollar for themselves so I would only get 20¢ of every dollar sold. Whereas, if I do it all myself and use Amazon, I get 70% of the royalties.

But then I think about going with my other passion but breaking into the food world is just as hard – if not harder. I guess when they say “you need money to make money” they weren’t kidding. But sadly, here I am with no money.

I did upload a couple chapters of the book. I figured if it gets enough notice that either that company will want to publish it or it shows that if I was to save the money, step-by-step it, that people would be interested in purchasing the book.