Good News && Bad News.

I think I am staring to realize why people with diabetes don’t live very long.

I probably shouldn’t say that, especially when words where people can find them forever. Because now, if I pass away everyone is going to think it’s because of the diabetes. It won’t be. I’m trucking along with it. I’m just mad. So, very, mad.

I agreed to start seeing a endocrinologist to fix my issues with my high sugar levels so my other issues with start getting better. So they put me on insulin, which I’ve told y’all before – nothing new there. This last week I had an appointment with them to check up on my progress. I had to tell them that my nu8mbers are still between 250 && 300 every day, every single time I take it. && of course they tell me that they shouldn’t be.

I know this.

So they go through the normal questions: are you taking the insulin like you’re supposed to? Are you snacking between meals? Do you consume a lot of sugar? Are you telling us the complete truth? Then of course, with each question, their look basically says I am lying about it all.

Yes. I take my insulin like they asked me to.
No. I do not snack in between meals. Ask Boyfriend, I’m not lying.
No. I do not eat sugar, whether it’s in drinks, or foods.
Yes, I’m telling the complete truth.

But the looks. You know the looks. If you’re overweight, and you’re asked these questions, you know the looks. I’m pretty sure they asked me if I snack four times, within five minutes, with smaller questions in between.

Let’s break The Barb down. When I was younger && still drinking out of bottles, my mother would put watered down Diet Coke in them. That’s what I grew up drinking, guess what? I still drink diet beverages. My tea, at home, is fake sugar. I don’t eat cakes, or pies, or sugary treats. I don’t eat chips, ice cream, or candy. I barely drink soda, && when I do buy one, I can make a 20 ounce last a week, if not longer. Chips, if I happen to buy a bag, I eat approximately five chips, Boyfriend finishes the bag. I don’t eat bread, even on sandwiches, I tend to just eat the inside of it. Tuna salad sandwich, I make this on weekends when I don’t have much time to cook, && I get a bowl, no bread, and eat it with a spoon.

So here I am. Blood sugar ranging, all the time, between 250 && 300. So I tell Boyfriend, maybe I need to cut more carbs out. I’ve stopped eating pasta as much as I did, bread is out, and I rarely eat potatoes. Which is leaving rice – lately, it’s all I want. So I told him, maybe – I need to stop eating rice for a little while && see if I can get my sugars down. But what happens when I put it back in my diet? I don’t plan to not eat it forever. My blood sugar is going to spike, yet again.

They also preach on my weight. Which is where the looks come in when asking about my “snacking habits”. Yes, I have moments where I have the “munchies” && eat and eat and eat. && sometimes, I ignore then munchies. The last two days my munchies have been horrible. But I have had pig skins, which I’ve munched on. They have no carbs – full of calories, but… one or the other, right?

I’m usually a calorie counter because I know it works for me. Count those, exercise, my weight drops. That’s even not cutting out carbs. Now I’m looking at cutting out carbs so I can’t really count calories? Can I? Wouldn’t that be too much?

I tried the “low carb” diet once. I was so angry through the whole experience that it lasted two weeks before the anger took over and I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Now you’re wondering, what made me angry? Everyone preaches about how good the low to no carb diet is and that it’s the bomb-diggity. But when you actually Google the carb amount in foods you’ll realize that EVERYTHING has carbs. EVERYTHING! A freaking pickle. I love pickles and they are great to munch on when you’re counting calories. Yes, don’t get me wrong, they only have one carb (((PER PICKLE))), but still!

Fruit. Veggies. Cheese (which is the number one thing people preach you can eat) – all. have. carbs.

Heck, the frozen Atkins meals that you can buy in most grocery stores – have at least 15 carbs in each box. So people tell me to stick with meats. Okay, that’s fine, but guess what? Remember? I have gout. Yeah! It’s like anything && everything that can be wrong with me right now, is wrong.

Today’s numbers weren’t horrible. This morning I took it && it was 199, it’s high, but at least it wasn’t 250. Last night for dinner I had a sandwich, with no bread, pickles && pig skins. This morning I ate a sandwich with no bread, pickles and pig skins. So I stuck with meat – although, the meats I chose aren’t heart healthy. I took my numbers before dinner and it was 159. Had pork chops, sautéed onions, and cauliflower bites (cauliflower covered in cheese, bacon bits, and green onions.) I haven’t retaken the numbers yet, but I’m hoping they aren’t extremely high. But you know.

On good notes: the doctors are saying that my heart && kidney function are getting better. My A1C went from 9.6 to 8.4, but my weight is staying around the same. So I’m not gaining, but I’m not losing. && that’s because of the exercise rut I’m in. I cannot find any motivation to exercise. I don’t know if it’s only because it’s hot outside or because I just don’t want to. Maybe a mix of both? I was told that my magnesium is low so I was told to take a supplement/eat foods high in magnesium && we’ll check that again in October.

Basically, I have two months – August && September – to lose some weight && try to get my A1C even lower. So here is to that.

Ruts. What?

I am in a rut.

Whether it’s a life rut, exercise rut, or diet rut. I’m in the rut. A huge rut that I’m sinking into like quicksand. It’s about up to my waist and I am having the hardest time getting out of it.

I try to talk to Boyfriend about it && try to figure out how to get myself out of it, but I cannot seem to find the words to explain to him how I feel. I usually just end up in tears – yes, still. So, I figured instead of driving myself crazier, maybe I just need to sit down && write.

Ugh! Writing. (((Rut.)))

Reading. (((Rut.)))

Maybe it’s a life rut. I mean, don’t get the wrong idea – I’m not thinking about ending my life. Came too close to that earlier this year. As much as I miss my parents, I’m not quite ready to see them again. Know what I mean?

Sometimes, I’ve noticed, people just get in ruts. It’s usually because a change is needed or maybe just a routine shake up. I’m not sure where to go from that theory, though. The last time I felt like this I was twenty, a few weeks away from my twenty-first birthday. The Brother ended up taking me to Amarillo, Texas to my grandfather to stay with him for a little bit. I ended up spending a lot of time with my aunt && uncle and attending their church. (If they read this, know, that it may have been a small thing, but it helped me so much just getting to know great people and find something I think I was missing. That can be for another post. Unless of course, I’ve already written about it.) But sadly, my grandfather passed away in 2018, so I can’t disappear for a little while. But as an adult, is that even possible anymore? can I just take a vacation from work/life and disappear for four months?

Yeah, probably not. That’s basically just hiding away from problems && once I come back, they’ll still be here. Which wasn’t the issue when I was twenty. I didn’t really have “problems”, I just realized that I hadn’t faced and dealt with everything that happened to me growing up and it hit me in the face. Bricks, if you will. Have I dealt with EVERYTHING that I consider trauma? No, probably won’t really face it head on. Ever.

Part of that is because I wish I had told my mother when she was alive when I was still younger. I think if I had told her what I went through I wouldn’t be questioning whether it happened. && I don’t think I would do that if it wasn’t for people telling me they wouldn’t do that. Although, side note, I have thought about writing letters, with no return address, just to get my feelings out. But… what if it didn’t happen?

My memories are still a blur.

But here I sit in a dark room, alone, listening to a show on Hulu as I listen to myself hit keys forming words. I think I have been needing to do this for a while, but I have been talking myself out of it. A part of me wanted to see if maybe I could do it on my own, without putting anything to words. But as the days pass, my irriation isn’t fading and my lack of… living, isn’t getting better.

Maybe I need a new hobby? No. Stop. I don’t need a new hobby. I don’t even do the “hobbies” I have now. If we consider any of them hobbies. Maybe I need a vacation (not from life) somewhere cold? Head makes me crankier than I usually am. So, I’m cranky times a million right now.

Today it was 104 degrees when we went grocery shopping around noon.

Eh, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly. Upside, I don’t sleep all the time && I’m not finding myself staring at myself from above myself. (Post for another day.)

Do Dreams Come True?

I wonder how many people actually say their dreams did, in fact, come true. I have a dream. Other than finishing the book that I really need to finish but I’m too lazy to actually do it… I want to own && operate a food truck.

I have two loves in my life. Writing, of course, && cooking, which I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned a few times. I also do believe I said my dream job would be a food writer. Combine the best of both worlds. Travel all over the globe while trying different foods, cooked by different people and just write about it.

But I’m trying not to span too far into the atmosphere. But as I sit here and write this I find myself wondering is wanting to own, run && operate a food truck too far out the scope of reality for me? I get it. It takes money && a lot of it. I can save; I know how to do that. But lets say I did save the money, would I actually ever get to the point where I can do it before I die?

I think that’s half of my issue. A part of me is scared that I won’t see the part of my life where most people do find && achieve their dreams. Sometimes, it takes people into their 40’s & 50’s to actually get it. So I wonder – do I have that long to keep hoping that maybe I can get what I truly desire out of life.

Lately I haven’t felt well. I mean, I don’t feel like I’m knocking at deaths door, I just haven’t felt well. I have been sluggish, and still depressed. Angry, and annoyed. My medicine makes it where I don’t have an appetite so I’m not hungry half of the time. They’ve put me on insulin which I’m pretty sure is half of the depression. I thought I was moving forward, day by day, but I feel sometimes that them putting me on insulin is back tracking. But in reality, I’m pretty sure it’s not.

So that’s me. I’m scared, worried, and freaking out that I don’t have time to do what I want with my life. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want people in the future when I’m no longer here talking about something I achieved. Something I did. Something that makes people remember me. Will it be in the food world, writing world, or both worlds?

Do I think I’m going to write the next literary masterpiece? No, I don’t.
Do I think I’m going to open a food truck that eventually turns into a million dollar business that has restaurants in different countries? No, I do not.
I am realistic.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m achieving anything && I know part of that is because I’m not trying to achieve anything.

I was talking about my food truck dream at work the other night && someone said it’ll never happen while the others either didn’t say anything or said food trucks make bank && if I apply myself I can achieve it. But… where do I apply myself at? I told Boyfriend that I’m working on it && my first step is that I ordered a credit card reader that goes into your phones charging port. It’s something silly and small, but at the same time I feel like I’m heading into the right direction.

What I need is a million people to give me one dollar. That’s it. Spare one dollar for me. If anyone is interested please let me know && I’ll set up the account. In the mean time, I’ll either keep thinking about my dreams, dreaming about my dreams, or trying to crawl out of this round of depression.

Either way, I seem to be doing something, right?

Drifting Off.

Today I sat in a closet && cried while talking to a cat who just had babies.

We call her Momma Bean.

When I got of work today I had so many plans. I was going to come home and play on my new computer. So I did. I walked in, changed, && sat down in front of it. I turned it on && pulled up the internet && stared at the screen. I didn’t know what to do. I locked the computer && wandered into my bedroom pulling out my Switch, thinking maybe a little bit of Animal Crossing would help. Instead I went to the closet, I actually just wanted to check on Mama Bean, && noticed her water bowl was empty so I filled it up. Once I took it back I just sat down in the closet && loved on her for a couple minutes. Then the water works started.

I wish I could say why I cried. I wish I could say why I feel horrible. I wish I had the words inside of me that explained why I feel like I do most of the time – but I don’t. I never have. I have suffered from depression, undiagnosed, since I was 15 && possibly before. It just got worse once I buried my mother. Then I lost my father before I was even 30. Then I buried my grandfather (mom’s dad). That was my people. Those three. They wanted the best for me && before I was 32.

Before fifteen I think I felt a little out of it – lost, but don’t most teenagers feel like that? I’m not saying my life was perfect before my mom died, but I feel like a part of me died with her. I have been lost for so many years that trying to find my way has taken me a lot longer than I want to admit. I can’t remember a time that my mind was solid.

I THINK part of it is these last few months. I literally almost died in January and every time I talk to a doctor about it I always hear the same thing, “I’m surprised you didn’t have a heart attack,” or “I’m surprised you’re not dead.”

Death.

It’s a frightening thought. The thought that at 33 I was a step away from death. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t want to do it. I still don’t.

I can’t focus my brain right now. I…

…will write again later.

Beat Myself Up!

(Originally wrote 5/21/2021 – finally was able to upload it.)

I have eater’s remorse. It’s kind of like buyer’s remorse (which sometimes I have that also), but instead it’s when I eat something. Food is something that has always given me comfort, whether I was happy/sad/mad/disgusted – I knew I had food and it wouldn’t let me down. The last few years I have been attempting to get over my struggle and fight with food and my bad eating habits, which probably isn’t as bad as a lot of people, for me, it’s bad. But all I’ve noticed is that it has turned even uglier because now when I eat I feel bad for hours afterwards && start trying to think of a way to get rid of it. (No, I don’t make myself puke.)

I told Boyfriend once, && it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t feel it, that I feel bad after eating. Not “feel bad” like in a sick way, but like, I feel terrible because I ate it. I told him I wanted to be the type of person who can go into a convenience store and buy a corn dog, eat it with some good ol’ mustard, and not hate myself for three hours afterwards. But I can’t.

There is a store here in my town that has the best corn dogs. They are always crispy on the outside and juicy yummy on the inside. I would stop by there sometimes && grab a couple and go home. Then afterwards, I was trying to make sense in my head why I was so mad at myself for eating two corndogs when I barely eat them as it is.

Since all of these doctor appointments my eater’s remorse has gotten worse. Today for lunch at work, I wanted to treat my people so I told them if they wanted something from Taco Casa that I would pay for it. (They work really hard && sometimes you just need to show that you care && appreciate them.) So I took everyone’s orders && my manager went && picked it up. I paid. I decided that I would get something from there, nothing huge, not a lot, just something. I really like their nachos – well, okay, I like their chips && cheese which I add the crumbled meat and just dip my chips in it. It’s not even a large set of nachos.

I sat here && ate it. Got full && stopped, tossing whatever was left. Then I sat here && thought about what I had just eaten. Thinking to myself, ‘why did I eat that? Why didn’t I just eat what I brought?’ (A healthy choice frozen dinner with some veggies.) But now, it’s even worse, because I also ordered a tea because it sounded delicious. I mean, who doesn’t like a good glass of tea? That was also on my mind. I kept thinking I didn’t need to drink that especially since it wasn’t unsweet (which is what I wanted but that’s fine). Why did I eat it? Drink the tea?

Sometimes I feel if I eat certain things that I’m basically saying my life isn’t good enough to keep going && that I am wasting what I do have left. Then I start feeling like crap, this time I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

But I don’t feel like this with all food – last night for dinner I made salmon && creamy rice. I didn’t feel bad after eating that. I felt great! I wasn’t overly full && I didn’t feel horrible afterwards.

Before the hospital stay I ate how I wanted knowing that I can lose weight without changing a lot of what I eat. But now, I feel like everything I put in my mouth is a death sentence. Nothing is good, nothing should be consumed, when the logical part of my brain knows that isn’t right.

My relationship with food has always been complicated && now I feel like I should be breaking up with food all together. That it && me just can’t go on like this && I have no idea how to fix my issue.

&& yes, I do have buyer’s remorse. The only two things in my life I do not regret buying was my first car when I was 18 && my house when I was 31ish. Well, I say I don’t have it with the house. I didn’t. Until this year when I found out everything in my is trying to shut down && stop working that in 30 years (the note length) I may not even be here to finish paying for it.

This may not be completely about food && more about possibly not being here for as long as I had planned. I feel like I need to start doing everything that I wanted to in life so I can be remembered as the girl who did it all. I want to finish my book, open a restaurant, help people – be known for something. If I died tomorrow – what would people remember me as? The girl who showed up for work every day that didn’t help anyone anywhere. I don’t want this to define me but I’m in a spot where this is what it is. This is me. This is my life. I will be dead && no one will remember me. I will have left no mark whatsoever on anyone.

I always imagined great things for myself && that by now, I thought I would have already achieved most of it. The ONLY thing I have gotten was a house && found the love of my life.

I know what you’re thinking – if my dream is to finish the book && open a restaurant – then what’s stopping me? The book – I hate reading it to edit it because I hate my writing. Always have (story for another day unless I’ve already wrote about it). I am trying to finish editing the book so I can get the junk out of it that I know exists within the walls of it, but I can’t seem to read enough of it to finish the editing process. I know – I could just let someone read it && edit it for me. Problem! I don’t want anyone to read it right now because of the junk inside of it. I know it can be better than it is && before I offer to let people read it I want to fix it. But to fix it, I have to read it. To read it I have to get over my insecurities that I have about my writing.

Restaurant? I found a building I want. It’s in the perfect location in the town I life in. In fact, it’s on the end of my road – I could walk there. I know with a little tender love && care, a little bit of renovation, that it could be the greatest little restaurant anyone has seen in my town, population of 483 in 2018. Sounds great, right? A little too great, of course. The building is 178,000$ && unfortunately, I do not have 178,000$ to drop on a building that I would need more money to renovate (it wasn’t a restaurant to start with.) Actually, I do believe it started out as a bank then it was turned into the water department, which just recently moved down the street to a building they built just for it. Now it’s empty. It even still has the window when it was a bank that I could turn into a drive thru. Yes! I have given it THAT much thought.

I think I’m rambling now.

The other night I got sick. Wednesday night. After I got done filling my trash can, I laid there alone && wondered if this is a new symptom. Is this something new telling me that I’m slowly deteriorating and that soon there will be no more of me? It’s a scary thought when you’re only 33 years old that tomorrow my heart could just stop working. I mean, it’s barely working as it is.

I am pretty sure my depression is sparked back up && last time it nearly drove me crazy. But last time I didn’t have Boyfriend. I have him now. Hopefully he has enough mental stamina for the both of us. But even in that sense, that’s a lot of worry to put on a man that could still decide to leave.

I think what bothers me is that I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel like…. I should feel… for someone that has heart && kidney issues. I feel like… I should feel worse. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my days. But on those days do I feel bad because of my heart && kidneys or do I just feel bad? Like Wednesday – people puke. People eat stuff that doesn’t agree with their stomach && the puke. Maybe I just got sick. Boyfriend said he didn’t feel good either. He can’t get sick because of MY heart && kidney issues.

I still remember…

I can still remember my first panic attack.

I was nineteen and was in the shower. My mind started wandering and I started thinking about events that may or may not happen. It was slow at first. My body started to tingle && then I started having trouble breathing. Even though I was in a cool shower, I got hot – began sweating. That’s when I freaked out && started crying.

I didn’t know what was happening because I had never experienced anything like this before. I lived with depression for many years but this… this was something different. Something I couldn’t explain && I quickly hopped out of the shower and went looking for people. Anyone.

At the time I lived with my brother & his girlfriend. They were home && I knew it, but they were in their room with the door shut. At that point, I normally don’t bother them. I wandered through the house for a few minutes && being as confused as I was I did the only thing I knew. I grabbed a banana and went to my brothers door.

Why did I grab a banana? Because food comforts me. Always has. (Which is what has gotten me into the position I am today.) I stood at his bedroom door saying his name over & over but their television was on && my brother is basically deaf in one ear. No one heard me. The crying got worse – I couldn’t see anymore.

I collapsed in the floor. Alone. I ate the banana.

I sat in the floor for a few minutes before my brother came out of his bedroom. His girlfriend at the time said she thought she had heard something so he went to figure out what it was. All he found was his sister, a complete mess, sitting in the floor in front of his bedroom door.

I ended up sleeping on the floor of his room that night. My Brother is always coming to the rescue when I’m needing someone. Every time I seem to be having a moment, whether it’s something serious or something that I’m making into a mountain – he’s there. He is the one person I know I can count on. But now – I know I have him && the Boyfriend.

My panic attacks still come && go. Not as often as they used to. I think that is mostly because of Boyfriend. He may not realize just how much he is helping my mental health, but he does. Knowing he is there, and won’t laugh at me when I’m having my moments, and knows exactly what to do.

Before him && I started dating I told him I’m complicated. I don’t mean to be, but sometimes my mind takes over and I start thinking && it ruins a lot of stuff. A lot of guys would consider me “crazy” but I’m not. Most girls that are considered crazy aren’t, just like most guys who are considered a loser really aren’t. I told him sometimes I just need someone to be there. Hold my hand. Let me cry. Boyfriend does that && has since we started dating.

I had a panic attack a few nights ago. The first thing I did was find Boyfriend && tell him what was going on. It’s taken me years to finally realize that when I’m having panic attacks I need to talk about it. If I don’t, it’s not going to get any better. I know it’s not that easy for a lot of people who suffer from them, but for me, I have to talk about it. I have to talk through it. The only times I can’t is when I’m alone && those are the ones that scare me the most. The other night once I found him I told him what was happening && he talked me down, for the most part.

It always starts slow, every time. It’s like my mind is trying to calm itself before it completely takes over. My skin tingles, like someone is poking me over && over with something sharp. I’ll rub my arms, trying to get the tingling to stop. Then I get hot. Like sitting in a sauna hot. Once I start getting hot I know there isn’t much turning back && I’m about to go head first into a panic attack. That’s when I start looking for someone so I can talk my way out of it.

It doesn’t always work. But usually does.

The other night it helped. Before dinner I had taken my blood sugar and it was 114. Then I made dinner, ate, and an hour-ish later it was at 113. I’m like, what? So I take it again thinking maybe it wasn’t enough blood. This time it was 95, Panic attack ensued. But after thinking about it I realized that I didn’t eat anything starchy, no bread – it was salmon with spaghetti squash && green beans. So of course my blood sugar isn’t going to go very high. It was a healthy dinner, but did my brain understand that?

No.

Merry Christmas!

I really do love Christmas. I love the lights, songs, movies, attitudes, and stores. Yeah, really, I love going to the store during Christmas time – maybe not anywhere close to the 25th (I had to go buy groceries today – the 23rd). But I love watching people smile, and shop – I even like watching people frown while shopping because it makes me wonder what has popped their holiday bubble. Are they having trouble shopping for the seven year old nephew that they haven’t seen in three years? Did their spouse ask for something that they really cannot afford, but they really want to see the smile on their face Christmas morning so they buy it anyway and hope for the best? Or are they deliberating whether or not they want to propose to their significant other on Christmas, or wait until a chiller day?

I remember growing up and walking around our small town looking at all of the Christmas lights. It was one of the things I looked forward to. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized people don’t decorate much anymore. I understand that prices have gone up, and it can be a pain to put them up, just to have to take them down a couple months later. But during – everyone has to admit how beautiful they are. I also understand that a lot of people stop decorating the outside once their children move out. But what does that say for the people who have no children that like to decorate outside – like me? But before you ask, no, I didn’t decorate outside. But my reason is simple. I bought a house this year, and with the house came two large pot bellied pigs, who will eat any and everything they can find. I refuse to decorate my yard to get upset when they are destroyed. So I just didn’t.

A lot of people… no… everyone is always telling me how they hate the music and cringe every time they hear it on the radio. I used to sing it at work, for the fun of it, during July. Christmas in July! It’s a thing – not at my job – but somewhere. I’m always told the same thing: I have to wait until AFTER Thanksgiving before I can start in on Christmas music. So every year, I wait. The day after Thanksgiving, you better believe I’m listening to Jingle Bells and Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer.

Movies – I don’t wait. I’m watching Christmas movies throughout the year. It’s my secret addiction, but DUDE! When Christmas time rolls around they quadruple the movies and I’m set for a month. I ALMOST purchased the Hallmark channel app. I didn’t, but almost. I may still do it – who knows, maybe their movies will stay on there after Christmas and into July &&& I can feed my addiction.

Attitudes change a lot during the holiday season. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the holiday season, or if it’s because it’s cooler outside. All I know is people seem happier. Except the Grinches, bah hum bug-er’s, and people who just can’t find reasons to smile. (You know the ones. You smile at them and they give you a look like you’re about to steal their wallet. You say good morning to them and they grind their teeth like you just told them to go to hell. Those people! Nothing you can do will make them smile, be jolly, or even happy – So I have given up. No cracker crumbs on my Gucci jacket just because you’re a miserable old coot. Wait. Does Gucci make jackets?)

Christmas is my season. My part of the year. My comfort zone. I’m the MVP and I’m not passing the award. However, even with that in mind, the most Christmassy people can be in a bah hum bug bubble and right now – that’s where I reside. It’s normally called a funk, but that word is gross, so I passed on it. I have been trying all month to get out of this mood, I just haven’t been able to. However, for the family and the boyfriend I will put on my cheery smile, cook dinner, and watch them open their gifts.

I supposed that is better than canceling Christmas all together, taking the gifts back to the store, and burning my Christmas tree to the ground.

On that note, I want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas and a prosperous New Year. I may or may not write again before then so that needs to be said. Don’t forget to eat, rub, dance with, polish, hug, or scream to your good luck charm. (Black Eyed Peas Here) Enjoy your days and your families. Enjoy the laughter, and love. Enjoy life and I’ll be back.

Thanksgiving 2019: A Success!

This year seemed to be the same thing all around with most people “we didn’t have a lot of people and everything was pretty chill”. I am basically on that boat. We ended up having Thanksgiving a few days late (I had to work Thanksgiving) and I wanted to do a day everyone was off but that never seems to work out for me. So Tuesday, December 3rd it was.

Most years I find holidays annoying (yes, I seriously just said that). I have my reasons but if I put it here, someone reads it, now I have complications on my hands. Let’s just say that this year was enjoyable. Boyfriend & I started making dinner around ten in the morning – we put on the turkey, ham, && duck. Yes, I said duck; I wanted to try something new this year and I figured I’d give duck a shot. Basically, I gave it a shot && probably will never give it a shot again. Unless I go somewhere fancy and give it one cooked by professionals. Mine felt like tofu… it was weird.

Our day was so chill that I was basically finished with dinner by two o’clock && still had to wait for the Brother to show up. So, instead of fretting, and worrying, and freaking out, and flipping my girly wits! I took a nap in my chair as Boyfriend played on the xBox in the living room. I feel that’s what terrorizes people on holidays – the freaking out. I decided not to.

Naps are better.

By around six when the Brother showed up (this is the time he was supposed to arrive, he wasn’t late) dinner was ready and everyone could enjoy the labor of my cooking. We sat and ate, talked, and watched television. It was nice. Lots of laughter and food.

Now I just have to get ready for Christmas dinner in a few weeks – now to decide what I will cook for that day. Maybe something different? Christmas Spaghetti?

Hap..i..ness

She sat in her chair, surrounded by cats, as she watched Him play PubG on Xbox One, listening to sizzles come from the kitchen. It’s late, nearly ten o’clock at night, &&& she still hasn’t made dinner. Not on purpose, of course, she overslept and then had to go grocery shopping for dinners and Thanksgiving. It took longer than expected, but what did she expect? It is two days until Thanksgiving.

She didn’t plan for this && couldn’t find shoepeg corn.

Her mind ran rampant thinking about things – stressing && obsessing – not silently, either. Of course she isn’t quiet, she’s a female, with thoughts, things to do, buy && give to people. It’s okay that she worries, freaks out and falls apart because in the end she finds herself just in time to make the ultimate come back.

Holidays are still hard for her. A part of her believes that’s half her holiday blues. Yes! Even someone like her, who loves Christmas as much as she does, gets the holiday blues. This year seems worse than last and last year she buried a pet.

She dreams of happiness around this time but seems to find loneliness and despair. Not just her – but everyone: strangers, friends, co-workers, family. Her heart aches for people so much she finds herself stashed away.

She stashes herself away afraid of feeling empty musical notes or reading Christmas cards that are full of lies. You’re not happy – stop faking it – but who wants to read that?

Merry Christmas from The Grinches!
Our new year plan is to divorce because Mr. Grinch has been cheating with is 5’2″, 125 pounds, blonde co-worker who smells like fruit loops. Little Timmy pees himself when he’s nervous and Mya is seventeen, full of attitude, dresses like a hooker, && is about to flunk out of high school – oh! &&& they both want to live with their father, who coincidentally isn’t actually their dad, but they don’t know this. Their dad? Was a 47 year old drummer in a parody rock band. He’s dead now.

No one wants that to ring in the holidays. But that’s how everyone feels. Dark, hopeless &&& scared – but she’s here. (Imagine that she just tossed her arms in the air, smiled and is now Superhero standing in her underwear.)

Hope. That’s all anyone can hold out for. 2019 is almost over and everyone can look into the future.

2020 is fast approaching. She will clink her glass, smooch her boyfriend with dreams of fairy tales, new beginnings and finish the dream.

Dreams. She has decided it’s time to stop, put food down, and do what she needs to do to accomplish her aspirations in life. Everyone gets one life and no one can live it for you. It’s something you have to face with the “I CAN” attitude mixed in with the “I WILL” mental state.

Does this scare her?

Of course, but at the same time she knows it needs to come off the back burner and be treated liked a loved one. Nothing good will happen if you don’t jump in head first, naked, into a lake of piranhas. Don’t fear the rocks of the unknown. You’re going to hit them, she has accepted this and is purchasing a bunch of Excedrin, bandages, and antibiotic ointment.

The journey will be long, tiresome, and lonely at times. Whether you’re looking into the serpent eyes of divorce, sickness, starting over, opening a business or buying a house – the end will be worth it when you can stand on your own two feet and tell the world you did it; that you made it out on the other side and you have the proof.

Dinner is about finished and she is famished. She will be back around the bend soon to talk about how her life is, and what she has been up to. But for tonight, she’ll leave you with a thought: How will you make 2020 the best year yet?

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Transformation.

This isn’t something I normally do – boast about a company or their product. But tonight as I pet a cat I wanted to tell y’all a story which happens to end with me boasting about a company.

Once upon a time in a small Oklahoma town, positioned on a small, dark quiet street lived a man and a woman. Both of them had a huge love for cats so much that when they purchased said house the old owners left two cats && they were fine with that.

Now they had four – a solid white cat, Milo, a black & white cat, Otis, a solid black cat, Mercury &&& a white mix with grey’s, Mia. This made the couple happy!

One day as the girl sat at work the guy sent her a text message with a picture of a cat. A sad, skinny cat she had never seen before. He continued, “it looks like we have a new cat. It doesn’t seem to want to leave and has been eating our cat food.” If the cat is hungry and homeless, I want it to eat and be loved! The cat, now named Reginald (I thought it was a boy but now I can’t find a name better even though I know she is a girl,) hasn’t left and is still here.

Basically they wanted to take care of Reginald – help it get meat on it’s bones, and be healthy, whether she stayed or left afterwards. They have been buying their cats Nutrish by Rachael Ray for years – ever since they first adopted cats. The guy wanted a food that wasn’t made out of crap, and things a person cannot pronounce, and the girl wanted to feed them something they’d enjoy as much as humans enjoy their food. She has been a huge fan of Rachael Ray since she can remember && she brought that up to the guy saying she really loves her dog, and made food that would give them nutrients that they need versus what big companies think they can live off of.

They agreed and began buying that. So when Reginald showed up they began giving her Nutrish. (The other cats LOVE it and refuse to eat anything but.) So why not try? Reginald, just like the other cats, showed great interest in the food and began eating. After a few months, she decided to come into the house still getting healthier every day.

Today, as I was loving on her I got this idea about how I would talk about it. I see a lot of people bash this brand of cat/dog food, but I see just as many talk high about it. For me && my cats! It’s LITERALLY the only food they will eat. (I tried once to feed them something different when I was unable to find Nutrish in my stores. They didn’t eat until we were able to locate it in another town.)

I wanted to share Reginald with the world. I wanted everyone to see the difference between day one when she showed up and today when I was petting her.

Before she was skin && bones, her color was dull and she moped around. Today! Her color is gorgeous, her fur is soft, and she is a little chubby. She is playful, and loves to run around with the other cats. Before she was skittish, even with other cats or people. She didn’t want to be around anyone and would only show up for food. Now! She lays in our bed, and plays with toys. She really loves the laser light we bought. Before she acted like she had no idea how to show love to humans and now! She loves getting loves and kitty kisses.

Nutrish by Rachael Ray basically saved that cats life. (Minus us, of course, for taking her in.) So this is me boasting about a cat/dog food screaming to the world that it’s a great brand! All of our cats have healthy coats, and are extremely soft. &&& I would like to mention ONE MORE TIME! My cats won’t eat anything else. (That’s not a exaggeration.)