Happy New Year!

What is your number one New Years Resolution?

My New Year resolution doesn’t really change much. But it ranges. One year it’ll be to write the next great American novel. The next year it will be to lose weight. The next will be back to writing & then to losing weight. It’s a back and forth battle I’m probably never going to win.

2020 was to lose weight.
2021 was to write more.
2022 was to lose weight.
2023 was to write more.
2024, back to losing weight.
2025 – will be to write more.
See how that works?

Maybe this year I just need to say both – lose weight && write more.

I have been watching sitcoms lately that have already finished. No longer airing. Right now I’m on Mike & Molly && a part of me is jealous of the decision that Molly made. For anyone who didn’t watch it, she was a teacher for ten years. During a state standardized test she flipped a switch – crawled out of her classroom window && into the rain – telling her students to never stop dreaming. That’s the day she walked away from her career to make writing her full time job. Has she been having ups and downs? Thinking she wasn’t good enough? Looking into other jobs – driving instructor, forklift driver. Well yes.. But a small part of me wishes I could just crawl out a window at work and into a rainstorm and never look back. But sadly, my job has no windows && I can’t just quit my job because I need the income that being a full time unpaid writer wouldn’t give me.

But at the same time, of course, I wonder to myself – would I be okay without working? I took two weeks vacation in November && by the end of it I was pretty grumpy. I’m not sure if it’s because of me not going to work or if it’s because most of it I was alone because Boyfriend was still going to work – he didn’t have the vacation time to take off like I did.

In conclusion to my rambling. 2024’s main goal is to lose weight. The minor goal is to write more. The smallest of goals (say that in your head with a squeak to your voice) is to become a paid writer of sorts. It can even just be a blog writer. I’ll be okay with that. && be able to crawl out of my works window, into the pouring rain, and never look back.

More Books.

List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?

  1. Gabriel’s Inferno” by Sylvain Reynard
    I have read books that I stop && think oh wow, that’s a good book. Then I have read books that I thought this isn’t very good. When I first came across “Gabriel’s Inferno”, I had just finished reading “50 Shades of Grey” (which I found out about because of Ellen D. && her talk show where she was talking about someone reading it on a plane, it’s not as funny written in words, but trust me, it was a great moment.) && I was looking for another book to read in that genre, or close to it. Keep in mind one thing, I had never read “smut”, “mommy porn”, “erotica” in my life. I was never interested, until I read “50 Shades of Grey”, which I guess a lot of woman can say that. When I first found “Gabriel’s Inferno” I got a clip of it on my Kindle to see if liked it before I actually bought it. I tried to read it and was unable. So I read a few of Sylvia Day’s books – in the same genre.

    After a while of it sitting on my kindle I gave it another try – which is where my obsession with Sylvian Reynard began. When I finally sat down and read the book I realized I had been missing out on so much. I tend to read books that I feel are in my “IQ Range” and I felt that his books, all of his books, are way above my IQ. (I’m not as smart as people think I am.) I think it’s half the reason I was so hesitant to read it. But lord, let me tell you, when I finally did read it and got into it. It’s like the heaven’s opened up and I was in love.

    I know a lot of people that have read this series && they all basically say the same thing: “it’s great”, “wonderfully written”, “I’m obsessed”, “I need to know who the author is”, “did he put himself into it”… it goes on & on. I read to escape, and when I first read this book I was single, and lonely. It’s like the book gave me a friend for a while. I have read that series multiple times and I will probably read it again & again.

    I know this much, I’m not sure if anyone has ever said this about a book, but I’m a closet writer. (What?! Who wouldn’t have known.) But when I get into a writing slump I will pull his books out && read them. Those books give me the oompth I need to write something. It’s something small, but it’s huge for me. I hope Sylvian Reynard knows that when he wrote that series he wrote a masterpiece for some.

    I know it said “book” && I did write the first one as my first book, but if you read the first you HAVE to read the whole series. Trust me on that.
  2. “On Writing” by Stephen King.
    I know this seems like a weird choice for most people. But for me it helped me in ways I wasn’t sure it would have. I bought this book because I googled books about writing a writer should read. I purchased this one and one other, that I can’t remember the name of so that says something.

    When I started reading this book I was trying to keep an open mind but what was I going to learn from Stephen King? At the time of buying it I was having issues with my writing. I have written one book from start to finish && I’m not sure I even like it anymore. When I thought of the idea I was all for it but as I began writing && having trouble && having people tell me I can’t write the way I write, I realized it wasn’t fun anymore. So I hadn’t written in a while at that point.

    But as I read through this book I realized that some of the things I did while writing he said it was okay. I know it’s silly to go off of one writers words, but he knows something about it, doesn’t he? I continued to read through the book and I put sticky notes through out it && I highlighted things I wanted to remember.

    I have always lived with the thought that your writing must be in your voice. That way you live && the way you talk. But I have had people that attempt to correct everything that is my voice, so I started to believe it and was attempting to write in a more “smart way”. Using a thesaurus to find bigger words for the small ones I use, and using one word instead of a whole sentence. But then – when I read this book I realized that I was right. I need to keep the words to what I say and how I say it. How will people believe I’m the one that wrote it if I don’t speak the same way?

    On page 174, hit me like a ton of bricks. I have trouble describing characters. I can see them in my head very well, but when I go to describe them in words, it’s as if words fail me. On this page of his book it helped me a lot:

    “I’m not particularly keen on writing which exhaustively describes the physical characteristics of the people in the story and what they’re wearing (I find wardrobe inventory particularly irritating; if I want to read descriptions of clothes, I can always get a J. Crew catalogue). I can’t remember how many cases where I felt I had to describe what the people in a story of mine looked like-I’d rather let the reader supply the faces, the builds and the clothing as well. If I tell you that Carrie White is a high school outcast with a bad complexion and a fashion-victim wardrobe, I think you can do the rest, can’t you?”

    Summing this up because I could talk forever – this book helped me realize that my writing isn’t as bad as some people like to tell me. && using smaller words, because that’s how I talk, isn’t a bad thing. That I can go without a full description of characters, leaving something to imagination, if I want to. It made me realize that I need to stop beating myself up everything I attempt to write something just because one person tells me I can’t do that. Plus, he didn’t like his first book either. So there’s that.
  3. We will leave this one blank for now…
    I know I have talked about a lot of different books. They all mean something to me in one way or another, but to have an impact on me I feel like I shouldn’t question it at all. I was thinking through the books I have read, and I can question all of them, minus the first two.

    So for now, I’ll leave the third blank. I’ll be able to fill the slot one day. So many more books to read.

Books & More Books.

Do you remember your favorite book from childhood?

I’m not sure I read as much as I wish I had growing up, especially as a child. I did read – free pizza’s, come on. We all read. But I’m not sure I read enough when I didn’t have to be reading.

But I remember in the 9th grade borrowing a couple books from a friend: “The Silver Kiss” && “Blood & Chocolate” both by Annette Curtis Klause. && I remember those two books being really prominent in my world. It’s actually what got me reading books about vampires and werewolves.

I remember trying to find a quiet place when I was reading “Blood & Chocolate” – I ended up in my brothers room. It was the farthest room from everything && he was rarely home. I remember laying in his bed, head buried deep into the story, until my dad came looking for me. He found me && when he said my name it scared the crap out of me! I jumped, threw the book, && yelped.

Since then, however, I have found books that I enjoy much more. They usually aren’t about vampires or werewolves, and are usually considered romance. But for Little Barb – “The Silver Kiss” && “Blood & Chocolate” was it.

Social Media.

How do you use social media?

I wish I could say that I use social media for a living, making money, working from home. But I can not say that.

I use social media mainly for entertainment. So let’s break down each one:

TikTok : I used to watch this every Sunday night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep after working all weekend. However, lately, I have not been watching it as often. Somehow I got on the wrong side of TikTok && I don’t really like the videos that pop up. I like the funny animals, dancing, funny skits, && food videos. That’s what I had. That’s what I liked. Somehow, I got it all jacked up && now it shows unfunny, sad, and political videos and I don’t wanna. I have uploaded a couple videos on there trying to be funny – I’m not as funny as I am made to believe. I also have a couple cooking videos, but I don’t really know how to use it.

Facebook: I use this to keep up with family && friends. I did make a Facebook page for a “business”, however, it hasn’t really gotten any traction, no matter what I write, or try to do. So there’s that. At least I haven’t deleted it yet.

Instagram: …I’m not sure why I ever really downloaded it or made an account. I mostly upload pictures of my cats or food. Remember me saying that I was attempting to break out into the food world? Yeah, that’s my attempt at it so far. It’s not working either. I try to upload daily, but sometimes I just don’t have anything to post.

&& then of course THIS … I’m not sure if you’d consider this site “social media”, but I do know that people make a living out of blogging. && I have stated in the past, in one of my long winded, boring posts that my dream is to be a traveling food blogger. Not one of those annoying ones that wants everything for free, but a good one, an interesting one. But to do that, I must blog more often. Which is what I am using these topics for. Trying to blog more often.

So yeah, I don’t utilize social media like I probably could / should. But I have things. I post on things. But that’s it. I’m just another anonymous person behind a phone / computer screen that doesn’t do anything worth anything.

Sorry – I’m in a mood tonight && I blame people on the phones in the last couple of days. I won’t go into it but I would like to say that when you’re on the phone you don’t have to be rude && yes, my job requires me to use the phone, 8 – 12 hours a day, four days a week && I’m never THAT rude. So I’m going to take my cranky self away from this computer && just ignore my phone for the next few hours. ((I can’t say days, I go back to work tomorrow.))

To Vote, or Not To Vote.

Daily writing prompt
Do you vote in political elections?

To be honest, I wish I did.

I’m turning 36 this year. I feel like most people have already gotten to the point where they have opinions, thoughts, etc. on political things. I don’t. I don’t know what I’m looking for, or listening for, or what I’m supposed to understand when politicians speak. I don’t know what makes one better than the next && I don’t know how to know the differences.

I try to have conversations with people around me about some of the topics that politicians talk about, but all it does it anger people around me when my opinion’s don’t mix with theirs. I didn’t grow up in the times with a lot of the people around me – they are either twenty to thirty years older than me or way younger. So that leaves me in the middle.

I don’t have any opinions or wants or likes with people younger than me. Nothing. I have yet to find anything they say remotely amazing.

But at the same time, for the ones who are older than me, I don’t find that I agree with them too much either. Some of their thoughts, yes, but most of them are living in a time that no longer exists – but I don’t agree with the time we are in now. A lot of what the older generations lived for / with – I do think some of it should come back but at the same time I don’t think all of it should still be here.

I don’t know, maybe my thoughts and feelings and such just don’t have a reason to be in conversations with people around me.

I do make jokes a lot about being a 40 year old white male republican. There may be some truth in that somewhere.

Camping’s a Lost Art

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever been camping?

Camping used to be a huge thing in my family. When I was a kid. Before my mom passed away.

Every July my mom would pick a new state, a new place, that we’d drive to for a week, and camp. In a tent. Yeah, we were those people. You know the ones. The ones who wanted to camp but couldn’t afford an RV or the like, but we could afford a tent that held six grown adults. So that’s what we did.

I say it was yearly. Honestly, we didn’t camp every year. Some years we traveled and just stayed in a motel or at a family’s house. && it wasn’t every single year of my life. We started traveling in Summers after I turned 12. So for four years we done a vacation in July, always the week of my mom’s birthday. It was basically a gift to herself that we all enjoyed.

The first trip was to Michigan, Beaverton, to be exact, where we stayed with my cousins. My mom grew up with their mom – that’s the set of family members that introduced my parents to each other – so that was a no brainer for the first vacation.

The second trip was to Colorado. Grand Lake && we camped at Winding River Resort. Our tent sat right on the side of the Colorado River. I can remember stepping into the water && being from Southern Oklahoma, where our water is hot in the summer, sticking my foot in that River shocked me. It was cold! That’s not something I’m used to in the middle of July.

I can remember the drive up the mountains – snow actually fell. && as a kid from Southern Oklahoma that was a treat to see in July. I also remember how steep the mountain was. One side of the cart, the drivers side (I sat behind my mom who drove) was a solid wall of mountain. The other side, complete drop off. Nothing.

We went up to Estes Park which was fantastic. That’s the time I realized I wanted to know more about the Stanley Hotel. My dad’s dream was to go into it being a huge Stephen King fan. But we never did. I put that on my bucket list. To go back to Estes Park && actually go inside of that hotel. More for my dad than myself, but I’m going to do that.

The next year we went back to Michigan, but this time we went further than the hand. We drove all the way up to Copper Harbor up in the Upper Peninsula. That was a drive in itself. This was probably, by far, my favorite vacation spot we ever went to. We drove a different way than we normally would going to Michigan but my mom (&& secretly myself) wanted to go to The Mall of America in Minnesota. I was never one to say that I was a huge mall fan, but when I heard about this one && everyone around me in school wanted to talk about how great the Grapevine Mills Mall is, I just wanted something bigger. Better. As a teenager that was bullied for many years, it was nice to be able to say that I went to a mall, a bigger mall, than everyone in my class.

Once we arrived in the Upper Peninsula I was in love. I’m still in love with that town today. As I’ve stated, I have lived in Southern Oklahoma / Texas all of my life. Born in Texas, moved to Oklahoma very young – so there are somethings I have never seen. For example, houses on stilts. (A trip to Louisiana down my the Gulf.) Or, as I saw in Copper Harbor, houses with doors on the second floor. No ladders to crawl down, just a random door, on the second floor. It intrigued me – a lot. I had to inquire about it. Now, this isn’t something from a local, but I liked the reasoning for it so I’ve kept that all these years. My mom and dad said it’s because they get so much snow fall that they need a way out of the house. So they have second floor doors so they can walk on top of the snow. Is this completely true? I don’t know. But I like it.

We stayed at a camping spot called Lake Fanny Hooe (not kidding, that’s its name). This is where I saw my first bald eagle, my first black bear. It’s also where I saw The Northern Lights in person && I stepped in one of the Great Lakes, Lake Superior. && might I add, Lake Superior, just like the Colorado Lake, is freezing cold in the middle of July. It’s also where I got to paddle boat for the first time through Lake Superior.

My mom’s want that year was to go as far North as she could before she got into Canada. But, at the same time, she wanted to go into Canada so she picked a spot to go toward once we headed home. From Copper Harbor we drove across the U.P. to Sault Ste Marie && across that bridge. (Have I ever mentioned I have a bridge phobia? No? I do, have for years. && this trip took me across way too many for my comfort, but what can you do?) The only thing I really remember about the Sault Ste Marie / International Bridge is two things: One. Once you across a certain point you stop using Miles Per Hour && begin using Kilometers Per Hour. && I can say, mind you, I didn’t drive then, but our cars in the United States has Miles Per Hour in plain view, you can’t miss it. However, the kilometers is secondary and smaller. That was a treat for my mom. Two. That bridge stunk. From the moment we began to cross it there was a smell wafting into the car. I don’t know what it was, or why it was, but it was.

We cross into Canada there – but sadly, that’s as far as we were able to get. Issues arose and we were turned away. So, we spent approximately 20 minutes, and one big U-Turn in Canada before we left. (That has been put on my bucket list, to go back to Canada && actually be able to enter. But I think I want to go a different direction next time, but we’ll see.) Since that was ended so early, we went ahead and started our travels back to Oklahoma. Going South from there we traveled down the Mackinac Bridge (which, thanks to my father, when I go to spell that bridges name, I say “mack-uh-nack” in my head.)

Side Note: I will say one thing about bridges. I may not like them but there are some amazingly beautiful bridges out there. The Mackinac Bridge being one.

The last vacation we took wasn’t camping. The last trip was for my mother’s 40th && last birthday she’d spend alive. So I’m extremely glad we were able to go there. My mom had always wanted to go to Disney World in Kissimmee, Florida && so we did. She received a deal through a time share company that gave her really lower prices. First, we had to go down to Ft. Lauderdale and stay in a time share hotel && go through all of the hubbub that went along with applying for time share. (She didn’t buy it.) Then we drove up to Kissimmee, some would rather say Orlando, but whatever, and we stayed in a nice hotel there and we spend some time in Walt Disney World.

That trip included Ft. Lauderdale, which just seems dirty, like the whole town needs a good scrub with bleach (when you google the town, it looks beautiful, and maybe it is. We didn’t spend a lot of time there and maybe we were on the wrong side?), a glass elevator that sunk into the indoor pool, long lines at rides at Disney World, and a bird pooping in my hair when I sat down on a bench after realizing that Florida heat in July is different than Oklahoma July heat. It also included one of the longest bridges I have ever crossed in my life, thanks mom: The Atchafalaya Basin Bridge.

Sadly, though, there are a lot of memories I don’t remember && it’s not because I don’t want to. I truly wish I could remember every single thing about each of those trips. But my memories don’t work the way they should. As I’ve mentioned, some things I remember didn’t happen the way I remember them && so now, I wonder how many of my memories are true.

I do remember that in Colorado there were so many more things my brother && I wanted to do – but we didn’t have the money to do it.
Copper Harbor when we arrived my dad went to the front building to check in && it took him nearly thirty minutes because the people in the office just wanted to listen to him talk. We met a bear because, you know we don’t have those worries down here, we left out trash from dinner at our campsite.
Our drive to Florida, through small towns in the Southern states, also loved our accent even though we were amazed by theirs. You’d never think how different each accent is in the South until you travel through each state.
I also know, that one day, I’d like to go && revisit each place we traveled when I was a kid. Maybe then my memories would come back? Plus, Boyfriend had never been out of the state of Oklahoma before me. Now he’s been to Texas. I need to take him more places.

Side Note #2: I have also been to Louisiana, down to the coast, Grand Isle. So I have stood in the Gulf of Mexico and went crabbing with a friends family so a crab would “bite” me on the toe. That was the year that Hurricane Katrina basically wiped Grand Isle off the map. I was still in Louisiana for that, but luckily, we weren’t still on the Island. I spent my one and only hurricane in a trailer house in Denham Springs. The hurricane itself never reached that high off shore so we just got a few storms that came from it, but I did decide then that I would rather deal with tornadoes. Oh && yes, that was another trip where I was put inside of a car to go over two big bridges. The first one I remember was on I-10, however, I can’t remember which one it was. I googled a little, and the one that is closest to my memory was the bridge over Lake Charles. I remember when you first come up to the bridge it’s a straight shot up, and it was lit up because it was evening time. I remember that I had been driving, but, you know, phobia, I started panicking which woke up my friend who told me to pull over. So I took an exit that was right before it and pulled over on the side of the road. She took over driving, pulling back onto the highway on another exit just north of the exit I took off, and finished driving to our destination. But I would like to say that since I began googling bridges, this bridge has had many articles written about how unsafe it is, so that’s that. The second bridge was going to Grand Isle, you know, it’s an Island off of Louisiana so there’s bridges.

So to answer this question, yes, I’ve been camping.

Heart Broken.

I talk to a dead cat every day.

January 2021, our cat Penelope had kittens. All of them died except one. I became fond of the little kitten but we had no intentions of keeping her. I was going to find her a new home. (We already had too many cats.)

After she was born I was hospitalized, y’all remember that. When I got home she had a boo-boo on the top of her head. Her mom, Penelope, && Penelopes sister, Benson, got into a fight over her and booped her head. We named her Dotty.

After a bit that spot turned black – not a bad black, she basically ended up with a dot on her head that was black. As she aged a lot of her white darkened. She ended up looking Siamese.

Her and I bonded. We got very close. I fell in love with her when she was a baby. Completely head over heels. She got older, bigger, darker. She slept with me, && would want me to hold her like a baby rocking her as she slept. I called her Babykins. She was my baby.

Two weeks ago she never came home. I waited three days before I really started to freak out. By Friday I needed her home. So I went out looking for her. Walking around our small town I knew she wouldn’t go far. I even asked a Facebook Community page for help.

I found her. 💔

I know people always tell me that they don’t see their animals as animals but as children. I never understood that. Until her. She was special to me. She made me happy. &&& I know she loved me just as much as I loved her. (Even if I did read someone say that animals don’t love us that they only seem like it because they depended on us for food.)

She was down the road. Wet. Dirty. Which was things she hated more than anything. I wish I had went looking for her Wednesday, but I don’t think it would have mattered.

We have a set of aggressive dogs on our street. Mind you, I wasn’t there && at first I thought she was hit by a car. But this past Saturday we found another one of our cats, mauled to death in our back yard. I’m about 100% sure that Babykins was killed by the dogs.

When I found her. A piece of me broke in half. I feel like I’m missing something. A small part of me. A part of my happiness disappeared with her. I picked her limp body up and carried her home with no feelings in my legs. Couldn’t see through the tears. My lungs felt empty. I couldn’t breathe.

I sat on my front porch, alone, crying holding her like I did when she was alive. Close to my chest, rocking her back and forth, crying.

I went to work the next day. I shouldn’t have. For 12.5 hours I sat at my desk and cried. I wasn’t in the correct mindset to be there. I got nothing accomplished. But I went because I had no choice.

Milo, the other cat we found, was our baby. We got him April 2018, and he was solid white && deaf. He was a rescue that we got as a kitten. We raised him. He raised the other cats. We weren’t here for his but I’m pretty sure that Lucci, another one of our cats saw it. He witnessed Milos death. I think this because he has bite marks on his back and side.

Milo

Milo had no chance && I fear that Lucci tried to help but couldn’t. Lucci is now traumatized. Any noise he hears he jumps. Stares at the doors. Won’t go outside. You can tell he is sad.

Lucci

I talk to Babykins every day I walk by her spot. We buried her next to the porch. We put Milo on the other side. They are both there and I see their spots every day.

I really miss them.

Worlds.

Trying to break into worlds is hard.

No, this isn’t about me trying to find a way into another galaxy or proving that there is life in space. What I’m stating, is facts, that when you try to break into worlds it’s hard.

The writing community is huge. A lot of book worms, writers, authors, agents, editors, etc. && trying to get welcomed into it is like trying to sit at the popular table in high school. Sadly, I was never invited.

I have never been good at popularity contests && I wasn’t part of the “in crowd” && thinking that the writing community makes me feel like that is a harsh reality. I honestly know it’s not a popularity contest… but I feel like that. I also feel if you don’t have the money to spend you’ll never be published.

I figured the best way for an unknown is to publish it myself. Which is totally fine – I don’t mind doing the hard work. But I really wanted a professional editor to read through it, find the errors but unless I can poop out nearly $3,000 that will never happen. &&& I know they are worth the money, I just don’t have it to spend.

Then I think ‘okay, let’s skip the professional editing.’ Knowing that it’s self published, “most” readers will look over a lot of them. I will just edit the crap out of it.

Next hurdle. To self-publish, you need extra money. Thousands. I found a company that helps self publish but as I began reading I realized that not only do they request thousands of dollars they also keep 80¢ on every dollar for themselves so I would only get 20¢ of every dollar sold. Whereas, if I do it all myself and use Amazon, I get 70% of the royalties.

But then I think about going with my other passion but breaking into the food world is just as hard – if not harder. I guess when they say “you need money to make money” they weren’t kidding. But sadly, here I am with no money.

I did upload a couple chapters of the book. I figured if it gets enough notice that either that company will want to publish it or it shows that if I was to save the money, step-by-step it, that people would be interested in purchasing the book.