Walking Around the Clock.

I bought a treadmill.

&& shockingly, a part of my body didn’t try to die. (Remember jump rope?) I had it a few days before I actually used it. && I could sit here and give you a million reasons why I didn’t – but truth is… lazy.

The treadmill was on sale. && when I say it was on sale, I’m talking dropped nearly 400$. I have been wanting to buy one because I know I’ll use it. But there are still days where I’ll go outside for a walk. But with this, I have no excuse.

The last seven days I have walked a total of 2:22:20 hours, 3.83 miles && estimated calorie burn of 755. I have given myself small goals on it each day. First. I want to hit one mile. Two. I want to hit 45 minutes or more of walking. Three. I want to burn at least 200 calories. (I know the calorie count is an approximate.) I usually hit one mile first. Takes me approximately 30ish minutes. Then I hit the 200 calories. At that point, I’m just waiting to hit the 45 minute mark.

I know doctors say at least 30 minutes a day, but I figure an extra 15 isn’t going to kill me. Unless I trip – like I almost did today. So my machine has the ability to program exercises for you. I thought today I would do this tour in Louisiana that is on there through a building. Sounded exciting. It was up until it decided it need to speed up, didn’t give me any warning, and I nearly tripped and fell.

Falling on a treadmill is not on my to-do list.

Going with the 200 or more calories per workout, for five days a week, that’s 1000 calories. By gum, if I can’t lose the weight doing 1,000 calories a week – then I need to admit and accept that I’m meant to be overweight and just move on.

But even as optimistic as I am, a part of me worries that I’ve done too much damage && that I can’t reverse anything. I get, && understand that diabetes isn’t curable. It’s manageable. It’s also reversible. A part of me is scared to death that I can’t reverse it && that I have do deal with this the rest of my life. That’s even if I pull the weight off && get myself back on track.

I guess the good part of all of this? I’m out of my walking rut. Now I just have to keep going && not give myself a dumb excuse why I can’t walk one day. The only day I don’t plan on walking is Saturday’s && I’m not using an excuse. It’s the truth. I work from 5A-5:30P – by the time I get home I have enough time to make something for dinner, get to bed, just to wake up and be at work at 5A again. I’m not even going to try to exercise on Saturday’s unless I find that I am off on Sunday’s && as short handed as we are on that day – I don’t see it anytime soon.

My goal is five days. Monday through Friday. If I can hit that goal, I won’t beat myself up if I don’t walk Saturday && Sunday.

I feel as if I’m rambling. So I’m going to stop now.

Stay on the same path.

The last couple of months has been pretty interesting health wise.

I don’t want anyone to think I have been hiding a secret heart attack, or a stroke – because I haven’t. I am referring to running out of a medicine, not being able to get ahold of that particular doctor, and making my blood sugar never get below three hundred for months. The scariest part of that is wondering what it was doing to the rest of me – on the inside – the parts that I can’t see.

So yesterday when I was heading to Denton for my heart doctor appointment, a part of me was petrified. Even during the echo I was laying there, with my eyes shut – praying. I told the atmosphere that I didn’t want to be taken out like this. I didn’t want to be another heart disease statistic and go into a book about how I was overweight, and my heart couldn’t take it anymore.

Testing after testing. Poking and prodding. The doctor finally came in to speak to me about the results. Before we go there, let’s rewind to last year. I was told I was in the 20-30 beats/percentage with my heart. Basically, my heart wasn’t beating enough so I am now considered to have heart failure. That’s a scary thought especially since all this time I was alone.

Fast forward to yesterday. The doctor came in and sat down in front of me, holding her notebook . I sat there, nerves killing me – waiting for her to tell me the last few months have set me back and I have to start over. That’s what I prepared for.

“Everything looks good. The numbers are good. Your echo was fantastic.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. All I could think was – at least it’s not worse.
“So fantastic that your heart is in the normal range. We want it to be in the 50-55 && you are in the 50-55.”
I just wanted to stand up and do a dance. I was over the moon knowing that everything I was doing was working and I am still going in the right direction.
“I have never seen someone get this kind of news && be able to get it set in the right direction this fast. I am so proud of you.”

I know I am not out of the woods. I know I have a lot of work to go. I need to continue to work on my weight. I’m still stuck in the 80’s, which has made me sad, but at the same time Boyfriend keeps telling me how long were you stuck in the 90’s? I have to admit he’s correct, I was stuck in the 90’s for a while so it’s just getting out of it. I want to blame the cold the last few months, but I honestly can’t. Truth is – I haven’t had the oomph to do it. I’m just tired all of the time.

That’s another thing I must figure out. Why am I tired all the time? Before I could blame it on my heart – now I can’t. Since it’s normal, my tired levels should be better, but they aren’t. My heart doctor wants me to get with my primary && do a sleep study – but the last time I was going to do that they wanted 2,000$ up front. I don’t have that kind of cash just laying around. It’s why I haven’t done one. Side thought: Should have done it last year after my deductible was met, but that’s for a different conversation.

I do know, though, if I keep losing weight my issues will continue to decrease. Less weight means no diabetes. Less weight means no high blood pressure. No diabetes && no high blood pressure means no medication.

That’s my dream. I dream of no medication && not dying without it. Know what I mean?

But for today, I’m going to be happy and celebrate the fact that I am going in the right direction. I just have to keep going && not get irritated and stop like I did last time. Which is what has put me in this position I am in today.

Bacon.

I googled today “blog topics”.

I really wanted to write a something but I didn’t have anything in mind to write about. So I pulled up the internet and googled it. Some of them were interesting but I came across one that made me laugh. Out of everything that you could possibly write about, the website said:

“Bacon. Who doesn’t love bacon?”

I laughed. I thought who would actually take the time to write a full blog about bacon? I understand that people do enjoy a good piece of bacon – alone, with something, in something, wrapped around something. But would someone actually read a full blog that was based on the popular breakfast food?

But the question more is – what could I say about bacon, that others haven’t already? Bacon. Pork Bacon.

I actually didn’t used to eat a lot of bacon as it upset my stomach, sometimes it still does. Then for awhile it gave me kidney stones because of the salt – although I found the underlying cause of that, so it wasn’t bacon. Recently, after the diabetes and such, I began cooking with bacon a little more. Not a lot of bacon, just enough to give a taste and probably a crunch since I overcook it (I tend to zone out).

I do enjoy the bacon jokes when people say they will take their bacon with a side of bacon, covered in bacon, and bacon on the side to dip their bacon in. When I still worked overnights && my job still has an employee dining room – I’d go get bacon, crumple it && put it in white gravy. Then I’d eat it with a spoon. Told that to the boyfriend && he said it sounded gross. Maybe not gross, but it could explain why I’m 9,000,000 pounds. (That might be a slight exaggeration.)

Bacon isn’t what will kill me. Butter is.

The websites also said to share a recipe with your readers. &&& since I chose bacon – I’ll share a bacon recipe with you. I call it warm corn and cabbage salad.

I first take a head of cabbage and chop it up.
Chop up an onion. I use white, but I’m sure it would be good with whatever kind you want to use.
Fresh corn on the cob – I cut the corn off.
Chop bacon into small pieces.

I first cook the bacon. I toss in the onions, and cabbage. Mmm-mm. After they cook a bit I add in the cabbage – season with your favorites (I tend to use pepper, onion powder, & garlic powder). Cook it a bit until you get the texture of the cabbage you want. Serve.

Well, I guess it is possible to write a blog about bacon.

To ghost or not to ghost.

When I was fifteen I lost my mother.

The day before she passed her && I spent the whole day together. I had woke up that day to get ready for school but something told me not to go. So I didn’t. I used the fact that my foot was broken, I said it hurt, to not go to school that day. Instead, we spent the day together.

At a point in the day she told me if there was anyway she could come back && let us know that she was safe, and had found her mother and grandfather, that she’d let me know. I joked, of course, && told her I wouldn’t do that unless you want to see me a lot earlier than you expected. We both chuckled.

She was scared that day. I didn’t realize it at the time. But she was. I remember going home that night helping her pack and get ready to go to the hospital. In the bag she had packed were letters she had written. They were for my brother, dad && me. When I found them that day I asked her about them && she said they were nothing && threw them away. A part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything. I have always wondered what it said.

The next day we drove to OKC Heart hospital. Waited all day. Drove home that night without her.

A few days pass, not many, just enough. My brother && I were in my bedroom – up on the shelf was a mantle clock that belonged to my great-grandfather. It hasn’t worked in years due to the fact that all of the inside pieces are in the bottom of it. That day the clock chimed three times. I looked at my brother who looked back at me. For a brief second – I was relieved. My brother & I have always believed, && I always will, that was my mother telling us that she found our grandmother && great-grandfather && that they were together.

Every so often I’ll see a shadow out of the corner of my eye – not all the time, and it’s usually subtle and doesn’t stay long. Just long enough, I guess. I’ll stare in the direction of the shadow – I don’t know if it’s in hopes of actually seeing her or just feeling comfort to know she’s there.

I just hope that she is proud of me. Even though my house is a mess, my life is a mess && I’m nowhere near being in the position that I thought I would be at 34. && I hope after my dad passed that he was able to find her. That they are together along with her parents, and his parents, siblings, etc. I hope that in the afterlife you do find your people && you know it. That it isn’t over after you die && there are great things for you waiting.

Here We Go!

November 2012 – First got the idea of Frost
November 2012 – Began writing.-The first few months was probably the easiest. The words just came to me. Flew out without having to think about it. Came across Chapter Three && the words just stopped. For some weird reason, every odd chapter was hard to write.
January 25, 2015 – I finished writing the full story.
January 26, 2015 – Began editing the story.
January 27, 2015 – Began the LONG fight with the story that lasted seven years.
January 25, 2022 – Finished – completely – the first round of edits. Yes, you read that correctly, I have finished editing the book. Do I think it’s great? No, I still think it needs a lot of work. But this is right direction.

My next plan is to print it out, start to finish, && read it. Make sure it flows, make notes throughout it. Make sure I didn’t take something out that I referenced before. It began with one idea && became something completely different as I finished writing it. But I think most writers say that about their stories.

I have given myself a goal. The goal of finishing this completely before the end of this year. Although, I think I say this every year, I mean it a little more now. The last year has been weird, hard, and stupid – && I know that I may not have forever and if I keep putting it off, my forever is going to be something I don’t enjoy as much as I should. I preach to people all the time to do the stuff in life that makes them happy. So why am I not listening to myself when it comes to my own happiness? I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life. I want to write. I want that to be my living. &&& I will NEVER know for sure if I have what it takes if I never finish the book.

So here I am. My life is fine – but it would be so much better if I could put as my job title “Author”. Be able to say that my life is writing. Writing is my life.

But then again, I have decided to do a lot of things that scare me. That I’m afraid to do. && no, it’s not one of those “I’m going to die so I’m going to do everything on my bucket list.” I am not planning my death. I’m not ready to die. I’m just going to do && try to do the things that I have wanted to but afraid to try. Maybe I’ll go bungee jumping? Go down a water slide? Learn to swim?

I’ve been struggling lately with my sugar numbers. They’ve been high – not last year high, but high. 300’s. All the time. Morning. Afternoon. Night. My phone was been waking me up beeping because it hits 300 between 2AM & 7AM. Then it’ll go down to about 250 && stay there all day. I have been waiting to go see my endocrinologist about it && see what she says, however, when my appointment came up I found out they dropped my insurance – yay. So I was unable to do that. Instead I made an appointment with my primary && had the conversation. After discussing medicine & such she mentioned that it’s probably because I have been taking one of my shots. Why? Because I ran out of it – then tried to get it refilled. The endocrinologist I was seeing doesn’t, for any reason, answer their phone. So I was unable to get it refilled. So my primary refilled it – three months worth – &&& I began taking it again. I’m back on it for two weeks. The last two days I haven’t hit 300. It has been ranging between 150 – 200. Still high, but it’s a lot better than it was.

Weight loss. That’s my goal. I don’t know if I will be able to do it myself. Back of my mind has been weight loss surgery. I feel like that’s me giving up. But at the same time, I also think, it might benefit me. I will have a higher chance of not being diabetic, have high blood pressure && I may, just may get my heart function back.

My check up this month with my primary – she said I had a little fluid build up again. Nothing scary. She didn’t hospitalize me. She said my numbers are better. I take a water pill – I’m allotted two of them a day – I have only been taking one. This last few days I have been taking two. I can’t have the build up – a heart attack is not in my plans.

Up & Down.

I gained 8 pounds.

I get that it’s holiday season && everyone usually gains weight. But I didn’t really have the room to gain the weight. I also get that it’s not a lot of weight && weight goes up & down. But I’m sticking with the I don’t have the room to gain weight.

Last night before dinner my blood sugar was 515.

I cried.

I cried for three reasons:

Because my blood sugar was 515.
Because I was scared.
Because I really wanted what I had made. (Nachos)

I told Boyfriend I needed to get back to walking && exercising. MOving around & such. Last couple of months we have been eating horribly, stopped walking, etc. Today I we went grocery shopping && then afterwards, before I didn’t have the stamina anymore, we went for a walk. Almost 2 miles worth. Took approximately 50 minutes. But I did tell him while walking that this time last year I couldn’t walk two circles at the park without having to stop && sit down for a few minutes before finishing. Today I went six circles (the park is small) without having to sit down. Did I start hurting? Yes, of course, but I’ll take pain over having to stop before I walked for 30+ minutes.

The 8 pounds isn’t a horrible thing. It’s just ruining my small goals I have made for myself. I can’t hit them if I’m going in the wrong direction. A few changing && it’ll be better but first I have to start shopping better. Tonight I’m making stuffed mushrooms, mixed veggies. I won’t talk about the meat I chose – normally I eat chicken. Tonight I’m choosing not to. But as I told Boyfriend while walking – I have to walk out some calories so I can eat my meat.

The rut I have been in for a while is slowing ending. Whether it’s the exercising rut or the writing rut. I have been able to edit some more on my story. The last two weeks I have finished four chapters, which usually takes me four months.

So my two goals for the next couple of months:

Finish Editing Frost so I can finally find someone that can edit it again for me && tell me if it’s crap or not.
Finishing losing weight && attempt to not be so much of a horrible diabetic that maybe when I eat Chinese food it won’t go into the 300’s. (The 515 last night was because of what I chose to eat for lunch, I knew it was bad, but I did it. Now I know not to do it again.)
OH! & attempt to write more in this. I always say, every year, that I’m going to write more but I never do. I purchased a book off of Amazon the other day, “One Line a Day for Five Years” – maybe that’ll help. I have thought about finding one of those sites people use && put a couple of the chapters up of my story, but then I’m scared. So there’s that.

So with that, I’m going to wander back over to my chair && probably play a card game on my phone while I wait to make dinner. My stomach is growling.

Goodbye 2021 – Hello 2022

Here is to wishing for a better year.

The last couple of years has been weird. I wonder what people in past pandemics did to relieve stress from what’s going on around them. This year, I tried to erase it by dying – not on purpose of course. So I for one, am glad that the year is over && that we can start over.

But then again, I said that at the end of 2020 also.

I am going to look at it like this – unless I die, 2022 is going to be better for me. I am hoping for a few things:

I’m hoping that I can declutter my mind. The last few years I have felt like my mind is on an episode of Hoarders && I need a dumpster. I have so much going on up there that I am having trouble deciphering what the clutter is. I’m hoping that 2022 will bring me the dumpster I need && hopefully it not turn into a dumpster fire.

I’m hoping to finally either finish, begin another, but start writing again. I have wrote off and on this year, but this nothing compares to what I used to do. I can’t always blame the cluttered mind, but at the same time, if I had that dumpster, would it make any difference with my writing? I enjoy my job that I have right now but it’s not my dream. My dream includes words, pages, books – but at my rate I’m going to end up just thinking about the dream rather than going forward.

I want to get my health on track even better than I have this year. I know it’s a long, hard road but at the same time, I know I can do it. I know it’s possible for me to get ahold of the reins and fix myself. Because I know, if I don’t have my health, I will have nothing else. && I’m not quite ready to give up without a huge fight. Plus, the thought of leaving Boyfriend && The Brother alone in this world – scares me so much.

I’m hoping to find another hobby. I’m know I have writing which I enjoy immensely, but at the same time, I feel like I should have something else to occupy my time other than work – I don’t make enough at work to occupy my time 24/7. So I’m up for finding something else. I have tried sewing, coloring, painting… none of it stuck. Well, I do have cooking to fall back on, I guess, but that’s kind of in the same boat as writing. Unless I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone, that’ll never be a reality either.

I hope this next year turns out to be one of the better ones that people and myself have had in year. I hope that everyone finds what they are looking for. I hope their is laughter, and love, and learning, and exploring – I hope there is so much enlightenment that people think back to 2019, 2020 && 2021 && laugh.

Here is to the next year && the happiness that everyone deserves!

Today – I’m sad.

When I was fifteen, I lost my mother.

When I was twenty-four, I lost my father.

I’m now thirty-four && I still have a void inside of I can’t fill. I still ache to the core && it’s really bad around the holidays. I try not to dwell too myself on how I feel && keep it more bottled up than anything.

However, today I’m sad.

I’m sad because lately I have been extra grumpy while trying to get everyone around me in the holiday spirit.

I’m sad, because I can’t let myself be fully happy because then I feel guilty.

I’m said, because I feel…

I have a million things going on inside of me all the time, I can’t seem to collect myself enough to move on. I was told that time heals all wounds, which is true, I guess, but what happens when the wound is on the soul? The heart? When I found out about my heart issue my first thought was “well, I’ve been through so much pain, it’s probably sad.” Who thinks like that?

I bottled up my emotions for so long, pretending to be happier than I am, sometimes I think I forgot how to just be sad. Because when I start going I get irritated because I shouldn’t still be sad? It’s been nearly 20 years. Shouldn’t I be used to this? Shouldn’t I be okay with seeing people with their parents? Shouldn’t I be okay?

Shouldn’t I be okay?

The Scariest Day of my Life!

I do not like being diabetic.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single person on the planet who is diabetic who will say “Oh, I love being diabetic! It’s the best thing about me.” But to understand this post, I feel as if I need to begin with the obvious.

I’d also like to begin with when it comes to being diabetic, I’m not sure I have any idea what I am doing. This even comes from someone who has been around people with diabetes all her life. Something that I watch kill and destroy lives. Something that once you achieve getting, it’s pretty much harder than getting into Heaven after going on a murder spree to get rid of. Although, I’m still optimistic that one day, sooner than later I’m hoping, I’ll be able to achieve that. (Not the murder spree then getting into heaven.)

Everyone knows by now that I have had issues keeping my numbers under 250. Lately, however, in the last couple months, I have been doing a dang good job at it. I finally got it where I have been 150 or lower all the time. Which compared to my old numbers, that’s good. By dinner my numbers were hovering around 100 to 125. (The morning, to be honest, was usually nearly 200 && no one can tell me why they are so high in the morning when I wake up, but whatever. By 11 AM, it’s usually around 150 or lower.

Monday – November 1st, shot that all to hades in a hand basket.

I began my Monday like any other day. But my Dexcom said the sensor was expiring in less than six hours. Okay, that’s fine. It does that. Every 10 days. && for anyone who doesn’t know what a Dexcom is. It’s a little machine that tells me my blood sugar throughout the day. I don’t have to prick my finger when I’m wearing it and it takes my sugars every five minutes. My endocrinologist wanted me to have one so I can see what makes my blood sugar rise versus what doesn’t. Basically, everything I eat, including water, makes my blood sugar rise, quickly. However, some of the foods make it worse. Like anything to do with flour.

Anyway… When the sensor expired we put in another one. After two hours the sensor warmed up and was ready to go. && it beeped. Okay, that’s fine, it does that when it’s below 100. That way I know to keep my eye on it. It read 90 – which I found weird, because for dinner I had rice. So I put it to the side && waited. I thought maybe the rice didn’t kick in yet. Because sometimes, okay, not sometimes, all the time, it takes my body nearly two to three hours AFTER eating to show the rise. Which isn’t what I have read or even been told. So the whole “check your sugars after two hours they should be decent” don’t apply to me. It takes nearly two to three && sometimes four hours for my blood sugar to lift. Two hours after I eat, it’s perfectly fine, then BAM! It starts it’s climb. (This is probably something I should probably talk to my doctor about. If I remember, I will do that.)

As I ignore this beeping I am laying in bed. Trying to go to sleep because I”m tired && that’s what you do when you’re tired. After a few dozes here && there it beeps again. I grab the little machine && now it says 54. I’m confused. But I think, maybe, before dinner I took too much insulin. It’s possible since I wasn’t able to actually check my sugar level. You’re now thinking, what? When my Dexcom sensor expired I figured I would just use my finger poker (that’s what I call it) and check my sugars the old fashioned way. I pulled it out to discover that it was dead too. Everything needs batteries! So I just went off what it last said which was around 150 – I figured it couldn’t be much lower than that. So I took insulin that worked with 150. I’m now thinking that I took too much && I need to get some sugar in me. Which is fine, I had some ice cream in my bedroom freezer so I ate one. Sugar, for me, is the quickest way to raise my sugar levels. Even just a couple gulps of Dr. Pepper does it. I knew this would work.

I eat the ice cream && wait. Fifteen – twenty minutes – my Dexcom goes off again, this time it reads that my sugar level is so low that it just says LOW. I’m start panicking. Now I’m too the point of giving myself panic attacks, which in turn makes me lightheaded. Now, I have no idea if my lightheadedness is from my panic attacks or from low blood sugar.

I’m scared.

We have a bag of single packets of chips – I eat two. Still nothing. I eat a oatmeal crème pie, which, by the way, I do not like them, at all. But I eat it because I know it’s full of sugar. My Decom is still reading low – I’m freaking out. I guzzle some sweet tea (I’m from the South so when I say sweet tea, I’m talking sweat tea) that I made Boyfriend and guzzle milk. NOTHING!

My sugar is still low. How can this be happening? At least point I’m scared to death. I start getting dressed && Boyfriend asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m getting dressed. He knew exactly what it meant. I want to go to the E.R. Because something isn’t right && I need help. So I grab shoes, my pill bag (it is a little ADIDAS bag that holds my pills, my glucose book, my doctors names, etc.), my phone && Decom – he grabs keys, his shoes and out the house we go. He needed cigarettes so I think, maybe what I have isn’t enough sugar. (Yes, it sounded as dumb to me as it does to you right now.) So I tell him let’s stop at the store first, this was, by the way, at 3:30 in the morning. Grab you some cigarettes, and a bottle of orange juice. I tell him we will get that, I will sit in the parking lot && drink the orange juice, wait 15 minutes &&& then we’ll go to the E.R. if it doesn’t help.

So by 4:00 in the morning, it’s still below 40.

Boyfriend wanted to try one more thing. He wanted to try my finger poker, but I explain to him it’s dead && he said let me try && fix it. We head home and he gets it working – thankfully, I guess. He takes my sugar && after looking at the machine he says, “You aren’t going to like this.” My heart sinks, crap! That’s all I was thinking. Even it was reading low, what am I going to do if this didn’t work. What will the E.R. be able to do? He turns the machine around me && I look at the reading.

I HAVE NEVER, IN MY LIFE, BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE MY BLOOD SUGAR READ 367!

Because that means what I consumed did work. That means that my blood sugar was never low. That means – my Dexcom is broken. Yippee right? We figured out the problem.

Here is the new problem. For the last two days it was been in the high 200’s, because my body is still trying to process all of that sugar. Which, if you recall, I don’t eat like that on a normal basis. I never have. My stomach was so upset that day, I think it was freaking out. I’m drinking water attempting to flush it out, but sadly, nothing in my body works properly so I feel like I am fighting a battle that is going to take weeks to fix.

Man I’m so angry! I wish I knew ahead of time that the Dexcom could break && do that. Even Tuesday, when I woke up, I was still feeling the effects of the lightheadedness (as we all know now was from my panic attacks), and the food I ate. I was miserable. But today, Wednesday, I’m still miserable because I feel like that when my sugars are high. It makes me tired, and sluggish. So – upside, I’m glad I’m off of work for the next two days – hopefully by Saturday I’ll get this crap back under control and feel better. I won’t bet on it, but I can still hope.

You know, when I was hospitalized this year was a scary moment in my life. But Monday night – was scarier than that. Because at least I knew in the hospital I had people that knew what they were doing that were helping me. I felt… clueless, helpless… I felt so many things on Monday that I can’t think of all of the words to express it. It was probably the scariest day of my life. && I don’t want to feel like that again.

I’m mad at the Dexcom. I went && purchased a new batter for my finger poker && took the Decom out. Turned it off. I’m just going to poke my finger for a little while until I feel ready to put it back in. I think it was the transmitter, which I have replaced, but… I’m not ready for that again.

Upside! Good news for the bad news! I am 4 pounds away from being able to say I lost 100 pounds since January. Now if only I can get that four freaking pounds off!

Untitled.

When I was released from the hospital earlier this year I was told to weigh myself everyday. For the first few months I did. Every morning. Ass soon as I woke up, used the bathroom, I went straight to my scale and weighed myself. I did it for so long that I eventually starting getting irritated and upset everyday because I wasn’t seeing any change.

So I stopped that.

I understand why they want me to watch my weight. I do. Completely. But at the same time, my mental status is something I have to keep up with. That’s a huge thing nowadays. Everyone talks about how crazy and incoherent they are, so I should keep mine up to par too.

Yes, I know I’ve discussed weighing myself before. But I decided that I would weigh myself only on Monday’s. Tuesday if I forgot. I weighed myself today and I gained 0.4 pounds in a week. Now you’re thinking, that’s not terrible. Which it’s not, I agree, but at the same time it drives me a little crazy because I want to keep losing.

&& sometimes, I don’t.

I know for a fact if I would start walking – yes, still in that rut – that I would drop it. I have seen it happened. Year after year. I always do that to myself. I’ll start losing weight && feel so great then something happens. Which I’ve told y’all about before too. Right now, I have nothing to stop me except the fact that I just don’t have oomph. I think about it daily and I tell myself, “I need to go for a walk today.” (I even said it to myself today.) I just… never do. Then I complain because my weight loss is stalled.

It’s quite ineffective if you ask me.

&& until I do it, I’ll never continue doing it.

My job has this thing every year that is called an IDP, which more jobs have it that I didn’t realize. One of the parts is wellness && we can do a walking calendar and I feel like I’m behind. Our 2022 IDP’s started on 10-1 && I have not walked a single day. I’m wasting my walking days.

&&& I still haven’t used my jump rope. It’s still just sitting in my side drawer staring at me when I open it. It screams, “COME ON BARB, LET’S JUMP ROPE!” Where as my body says, “You don’t want to do that, you want to go back to bed.”

I don’t do either, usually just end up in my chair, which I call a fat chair. It’s one of those larger recliners && I made jokes that I can grow to fit in it. Boyfriend didn’t find it quite as funny as I did.

Upside, I’m 8 pounds away from my first goal. Remember me saying I wanted to weigh what my driver license says. I’m 8 pounds away && 8 pounds from being able to say I have lost 100 pounds since January. So there’s that…