Up & Down.

I gained 8 pounds.

I get that it’s holiday season && everyone usually gains weight. But I didn’t really have the room to gain the weight. I also get that it’s not a lot of weight && weight goes up & down. But I’m sticking with the I don’t have the room to gain weight.

Last night before dinner my blood sugar was 515.

I cried.

I cried for three reasons:

Because my blood sugar was 515.
Because I was scared.
Because I really wanted what I had made. (Nachos)

I told Boyfriend I needed to get back to walking && exercising. MOving around & such. Last couple of months we have been eating horribly, stopped walking, etc. Today I we went grocery shopping && then afterwards, before I didn’t have the stamina anymore, we went for a walk. Almost 2 miles worth. Took approximately 50 minutes. But I did tell him while walking that this time last year I couldn’t walk two circles at the park without having to stop && sit down for a few minutes before finishing. Today I went six circles (the park is small) without having to sit down. Did I start hurting? Yes, of course, but I’ll take pain over having to stop before I walked for 30+ minutes.

The 8 pounds isn’t a horrible thing. It’s just ruining my small goals I have made for myself. I can’t hit them if I’m going in the wrong direction. A few changing && it’ll be better but first I have to start shopping better. Tonight I’m making stuffed mushrooms, mixed veggies. I won’t talk about the meat I chose – normally I eat chicken. Tonight I’m choosing not to. But as I told Boyfriend while walking – I have to walk out some calories so I can eat my meat.

The rut I have been in for a while is slowing ending. Whether it’s the exercising rut or the writing rut. I have been able to edit some more on my story. The last two weeks I have finished four chapters, which usually takes me four months.

So my two goals for the next couple of months:

Finish Editing Frost so I can finally find someone that can edit it again for me && tell me if it’s crap or not.
Finishing losing weight && attempt to not be so much of a horrible diabetic that maybe when I eat Chinese food it won’t go into the 300’s. (The 515 last night was because of what I chose to eat for lunch, I knew it was bad, but I did it. Now I know not to do it again.)
OH! & attempt to write more in this. I always say, every year, that I’m going to write more but I never do. I purchased a book off of Amazon the other day, “One Line a Day for Five Years” – maybe that’ll help. I have thought about finding one of those sites people use && put a couple of the chapters up of my story, but then I’m scared. So there’s that.

So with that, I’m going to wander back over to my chair && probably play a card game on my phone while I wait to make dinner. My stomach is growling.

Untitled.

When I was released from the hospital earlier this year I was told to weigh myself everyday. For the first few months I did. Every morning. Ass soon as I woke up, used the bathroom, I went straight to my scale and weighed myself. I did it for so long that I eventually starting getting irritated and upset everyday because I wasn’t seeing any change.

So I stopped that.

I understand why they want me to watch my weight. I do. Completely. But at the same time, my mental status is something I have to keep up with. That’s a huge thing nowadays. Everyone talks about how crazy and incoherent they are, so I should keep mine up to par too.

Yes, I know I’ve discussed weighing myself before. But I decided that I would weigh myself only on Monday’s. Tuesday if I forgot. I weighed myself today and I gained 0.4 pounds in a week. Now you’re thinking, that’s not terrible. Which it’s not, I agree, but at the same time it drives me a little crazy because I want to keep losing.

&& sometimes, I don’t.

I know for a fact if I would start walking – yes, still in that rut – that I would drop it. I have seen it happened. Year after year. I always do that to myself. I’ll start losing weight && feel so great then something happens. Which I’ve told y’all about before too. Right now, I have nothing to stop me except the fact that I just don’t have oomph. I think about it daily and I tell myself, “I need to go for a walk today.” (I even said it to myself today.) I just… never do. Then I complain because my weight loss is stalled.

It’s quite ineffective if you ask me.

&& until I do it, I’ll never continue doing it.

My job has this thing every year that is called an IDP, which more jobs have it that I didn’t realize. One of the parts is wellness && we can do a walking calendar and I feel like I’m behind. Our 2022 IDP’s started on 10-1 && I have not walked a single day. I’m wasting my walking days.

&&& I still haven’t used my jump rope. It’s still just sitting in my side drawer staring at me when I open it. It screams, “COME ON BARB, LET’S JUMP ROPE!” Where as my body says, “You don’t want to do that, you want to go back to bed.”

I don’t do either, usually just end up in my chair, which I call a fat chair. It’s one of those larger recliners && I made jokes that I can grow to fit in it. Boyfriend didn’t find it quite as funny as I did.

Upside, I’m 8 pounds away from my first goal. Remember me saying I wanted to weigh what my driver license says. I’m 8 pounds away && 8 pounds from being able to say I have lost 100 pounds since January. So there’s that…

Sabotage.

I sabotage myself.

I’ve had many years to think about why I do this to myself. Normally, I would say I don’t – I mean, why would someone purposely sabotage themselves? What would be the point? But as I’ve gotten older, && have had more time to think about it I have realized that I do. && the reason behind it is ridiculous.

I think I’m too old to be thin.

I told you it was stupid. A part of my brain believes that I am too old to lose weight because everyone says that when people get older their supposed to gain weight. So I have had years of believing that thin only applies to young people. That part of me feels that I have missed out on the thin part of life && since I’ve been overweight for so long that what’s the point?

But I am trying to have a different mindset. I’m trying to make that part of my brain realize that it’s not about being thin, or hot, or sexy. It’s about being alive. I know that if I keep going the direction I’m going, even with all of the good news this last doctor round, that I’m not going to live to see the end of my 40’s. && to be honest, I don’t want to die in my 40’s or 50’s. I want to be able to grow old && be the cranky lady with blue hair. I want to personally pay off my house. I want to know that my brother won’t have to bury me way too soon && live the rest of his life without any family around him. (We basically only have each other. && before my cousins/aunts/uncles get angry, I know we have y’all. I meant – like… here-here. I know if I need you all I have to do is call you. Same way with me with ya’ll.)

But I keep watching people older than me get the stomach surgery because they want to live the rest of their life healthier and happier. That’s what I want. I just want to know that I don’t need to be scared everyday and hate myself for eating something. Plus, I would really LOVE to get off of most of this medication. Will losing weight get me off all of it? Probably not – but most of it. I don’t think I would have high blood pressure or diabetes anymore. Because they are here because of my weight && my body getting tired. So I just need to give my body a boost and losing weight is the way to do that.

So I need to get my brain to stop thinking otherwise.

The Rut Must Go!

I went for a walk today.

It’s nothing huge && not a big accomplishment, but I did. I walked outside earlier && there was a nice little breeze, it wasn’t excruciatingly hot today, so I put on my walking shoes && out the door I went. Boyfriend && I walked up to the park here in town and walked around it. We have this whole thing down. We will walk from the house to the park, walk around it a few times, and then wonder over to the small store next to it and get something to drink, then walk back to the park – go around a few more times && then walk home.

At least that is what we began doing a few months ago – before the toe incident.

Him && I just walked && talked. We talk a lot to each other && so it’s not anything new. But today we talked about things we would do if we were rich. I have always believed that I would be a fantastic rich person. Mostly because I’m full of love && I want to help so many people. (This is why people that know me well call me Canadian. I’m not, I was born in Texas.) So him && I talked about things we would want to do in this town that would benefit everyone including ourselves. Yes, I know people are always talking about wanting to help people if they had the money to do it, but I’m honestly not just saying it. Give me millions && see what I would do to help people. Yes, I would do some things for myself. Everyone does. I would make selfish decisions, but I can’t live uncomfortably if I’m trying to help others. && I’m not talking about building myself a huge mansion or buy a Lamborghini. I’m talking about smaller things for myself. I don’t really need anything. ((Other than a new house because bitches be lying about this house && it’s a piece of crap!!! I’m still salty. Have I wrote about this journey? I may at a later date.)

The walk was nice though. It began getting a little warmer the longer we walked, but according to my walking app we walked 1.38 miles in 44 minutes. I always like it when I go to doctors && we talk about exercising. They look at me && my size && always tell me “just start off slow, walk five minutes && work up from there.” I’m always thinking about myself, I can walk longer than that. That’s one thing I never want to lose the ability to do – walking at least a mile && still be able to move. Maybe when I’m older it can fade, but since I’m only in my 30’s, I would like to be able to walk a mile && not want to die. Even if I don’t walk for years && then start back up, I want that ability. && so far, I’ve kept it.

Although, there was a time I could walk a mile in 30 minutes. But I’m at turtle speed now.

I’m still trying for the keto-ish dieting idea plan strategy. Am I doing 100% great? No, of course not. I did make zucchini noodles the other day with some chicken. Boyfriend && I were nervous, so I only made two zucchini’s that night – I boiled it for one minute. It was turned out pretty good. Will I do it again? Probably, but with more zucchini. Next on my list is to use cauliflower instead of rice. Maybe make a fried “rice” style or something. I may do that tonight, I don’t know yet.

No matter – I’m here trying.