Tag: weight loss

Waiting Games.

I’m not a fan of waiting games.

I’m one of those people that if I call a business, any business, I think they should answer the phone. && if they pay someone to just answer phones, that person should answer the phone. I don’t like leaving messages, because when I leave a message – no one calls me back.

I called the weight loss surgeon’s office today. It’s been three weeks && one day since I last called them to inquire about starting the journey over. I got an answering machine – at 2:30 PM. So I left my name, number, date of birth && a brief message, just like it asked me to.

Do I think I’m going to get a call back? No, I honestly don’t.

I had a doctor once that never answered the phone. Even though they paid someone to sit at the front desk && answer phones. The recording said “press one for texting”. If I physically call you – I don’t want to text you. Mostly because most people can’t read. As harsh as that is, people can’t read. && they see my text message and for some reason when I use full words, and complete English, they can’t read. Actually that’s not true. 

I’m annoyed.

People can read. I just don’t like to wait. 

If the surgeon people want to know why I stopped going last year all they have to do is ask. I’ll tell them the truth. Trust me, it takes too much to lie. But they aren’t even asking questions. They just haven’t called me back. The 8th, when I called them, “we will call you back”. Three weeks later. 

I don’t know what else to do. I guess I will just wait some more. I just want to get this journey started over so I can get to the point of having the surgery. I’m tired of feeling like I do all the time && it’s because of my weight. 

I need help.

Goals & What Nots.

What is the biggest goal you’re working towards?

I have been very honest the last few weeks about my biggest goal for myself right now. Weight loss surgery.

Once upon a time in the life of Barb, she thought it was a short cut. A round about way to lose weight. An easy way out. But through the years I have realized it’s not. It’s a tool. A very expensive tool that aids you in losing weight that is eventually going to kill you.

I have to look at it like that. I have to look at it through different perspective or I’m not going to do it. && no, the place hasn’t called me back. So I’m going to call them tomorrow (Monday). Hopefully this time I’ll be able to make a way in. Because I’m ready.

I do have worries – but when am I not worrying? Ask anyone – I worry all the time.

I worry I won’t make it through the surgery. I haven’t read anything about anyone ever dying during surgery. Afterwards – yes – but it’s mostly because they didn’t take care of themselves. Didn’t do what they needed to do to keep up their vitamin levels, etc. 

I’m scared my heart won’t hold up. I know my cardiologist said that my heart is doing better – but at the same time, how much better? People pass when put under all the time. That I have read about.

I’m just tired of feeling like I do all the time && faking it around people so they don’t worry. Yesterday marked 3 years since I was hospitalized. Three years since I nearly died. I don’t want to face that again anytime soon. So I know that I NEED to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Looking Foward- Part 2

I felt like I jipped (&& I just learned that the actual singular word is spelled gyp) the blog yesterday so once I got into a spot where I wasn’t cold && shivering, I figured I would write a little bit more.

Last night I was talking about things I’m looking forward to this year && I mentioned the weight loss surgery. I don’t know if the doctors are going to call me back or just leave me hanging, but if they do, I am looking forward to it. As I said I’m looking forward to not having so many meds, health problems – I’m ready for my feet and knees to not hurt all the time.

I’m also looking forward to planning the wedding of the century! Okay, yeah, you’re right, it will not be of the century, I don’t have that kind of money. But I am looking forward to planning && making the dream come alive in 2025. I haven’t made a lot of decisions, but I have made a couple. I will say though, I will not be dress shopping this year. But I’ll be making plans && making a budget list of what I can && what I can’t do && how much overtime I need to attempt to do to afford it all.

I’m looking forward to getting the love of writing back. I know it’s there, buried deep, I just have to locate it. && I have faith that I will find it. Maybe I’ll write a book, self-publish it, && be able to quit my job && just write. What a dream!

Looking Forward.

What are you looking forward to?

I almost forgot to write again. I was sitting in bed all toasty under the blanket && I started thinking about going to sleep then it hit me! (ton of bricks) I haven’t done my daily writing. 

I’m looking forward to the weight loss surgery. I know I have said a few times that I don’t even want to do it, mostly because of the foods I won’t be able to eat anymore (fat brain thinking), but honestly, I’m looking forward to being a little bit healthier. Not having to take so many meds. I was taking them at work the other day && one of the women I work with said, dang, && I thought my three were a bunch. That says something. I’m 36, I shouldn’t be on as many meds as I am on.

This one is going to be a little shorter… I’m shivering and I hate to shiver. So I’m going to go back to my blankets.

Revelations.

What have you recently had a revelation about?

I tell you hwat! I’m not liking the last couple days of questions. Hopefully they begin to get better. So another rambling post.

I finished the book I was reading today. && I thoroughly enjoyed it. Had a few cracks about white people in it, but honestly, the cracks weren’t too far off. I think I’m really starting to enjoy thrillers / mysteries. I don’t know what it was about “Almost Surely Dead” by Amina Akhtar, but duuuuuuuuuuude! If you’re in a reading slump I advise you to purchase this book. It’ll pull you straight out of it.

I started another, “The New House” by Tessa Stimson. A friend of mine is in a book club, which I’ve secretly always wanted to be in one, && she added me to their Facebook page – which I accepted. This month they picked this book to read so I’m quietly reading it myself. Why not? It was $0.99 for the Kindle book. I’m not very far into it, when I started reading it I was at work && it was shift change, so it got loud. Figured I’ll read some on it tomorrow – or possibly tonight if I don’t pass out quickly.

Today is Friday, I still haven’t heard back from the weight loss people. I remember when I first sent them a message about getting in with them it took them two weeks – so do I give them two weeks or call back Monday – wait, Monday is a Holiday – Tuesday? We got take out tonight for dinner because we were going to be out late. Boyfriend wanted pizza, so as we were walking into Dominoes to grab his stuff we had to walk by Catos. I sighed at the sight of it and just thought about how I am ready to be able to purchase clothes inside of a store. The last time I was able to do that I was nineteen. Since then it’s been online clothes with hopes that it actually fits. 

I’m trying to think if I have anything else to ramble about before I log off && go to bed.

I think I’ve talked myself into beginning a new story. I don’t know if I will finish it or get irritated and toss the notebook out a window. But I’m going to attempt to begin something. I have had a few ideas that I really liked, I just have to get my brain straight so I can write. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Counting..

Who can you count on the most in your life right now?

Logically, I’m smarter than to answer this in a public blog. Why? People in my life read this – they automatically think why can’t she count on me? && it wouldn’t matter who I put down as the people I can count on the most. I could say the Pope, && someone in my life would get butt hurt. 

So let’s ramble a little instead. So I started a book called “Almost Surely Dead” by Amina Akhtar. I got it off Amazon for free this month, which I didn’t know was a thing. Let’s just say, I’m obsessed with this book. I read a review on Goodreads that said “this book helped me out of a reading slump”. I first thought, no way will it work. Dude! I can’t tell you enough how much I’m enjoying this book. I’m about half way through with it right now && I can’t wait to find out what happens && why it happened. I think I have figured everything out and BAM! I was wrong. But of course, that is what the author wanted.

I still haven’t wrote anything other than a daily blog post. It’s still something, right? Maybe a little more writing will help. Maybe a little more reading will help.

I called the weight loss doctor on Monday to set up an appointment to start the journey over. However, it’s Thursday, && they still haven’t called me back. When I called them I stayed on hold for thirty minutes – it was around 4 PM when I called them. After the thirty minutes they said they’ve been on the phone with insurance, which I do know takes a bit, && that they’d call me back. I haven’t heard anything as of yet. I’m hoping they haven’t given up on me. I had started the journey last year with them but money became an issue so I paused. Started talking to a different surgeon about going through them because my job would pay quite a bit on it, plus insurance, so it would be basically free. Free is good, right? However, even free isn’t enough when the dietician did nothing but yell at me every time we spoke.

Why’d she yell? They wanted me to lose 37 pounds, which doesn’t seem like a lot of weight, because it’s honestly not. However, with all of the meds I’m on (insulin included) I’m having a very hard time losing weight. Trust me, if I could, I wouldn’t be looking into the surgery. I need help! But all the dietician wanted to do was yell and scream. Which honestly, I thought I was making that up. I can be pretty sensitive. After one month I went into the living room where Boyfriend was and he asked me what the yelling was about? He had heard her yelling from three rooms over. That’s when I decided I didn’t want to go through them. So him && I talked && we figured out the money. Now, I’m just waiting for them to call me back. Hopefully they do soon so I can get the ball rolling again.

Procrastination.

What is something you’ve been procrastinating with that you can no longer put off?

I’m a huge procrastinator – so it’s not hard to believe that I have put a lot of things off. But one thing in particular I’ve been thinking about since 2021 – since my health decided to decline, but not too terribly. I’m still living && not dying any time soon.

However. As a reasonable person, I do realize if I don’t do something now, it won’t be like that. I’m staring down the barrel of a 45, not literally, but I am. 

I think I’ve talked about it before a couple of times where I was thinking about doing it. I’m done thinking. It’s time to git’r’done. 

My procrastination is about weight loss surgery. 

I put it off because I’m actually terrified to do it. But most of the fears are dumb – big head little body. Losing too much weight. The surgery not working && I’m back to where I started. Those fears. But the upside to doing it is a lot better than the silly fears I have. 

Boyfriend asked me to marry him on my birthday. I said yes. How can I look into the future with him like that if I don’t do something about my health? I refuse to force him to bury another girlfriend before he is 40. I refuse to force my brother to bury me before we’re 40. I refuse to force my friends to bury another person before we are 40 – just because I can’t control my weight.

Even pulling off the weight I do still have health issues. Kidney issues. Heart issues. But I know that if I pull off this weight that a lot of it will get a teeny bit better. I need a better relationship with myself before I can expect everyone else to have it.

So 2024 will be the year of me. I will get back into the groove for the surgery and pull this weight off. That way I can live a bit longer than most expect. Plus. I’m 36 years old && I’ve never seen the world as a thinner person. The smallest I can remember being was in high school – I weighed 205 pounds. Doesn’t sound a lot? I’m 5’2″. 205 pounds would be great if I was 5’7″ or taller. But I’m short. And round.

Here’s to finding out what Barb looks like thin. Hopefully it’s not scary!

Happy New Year!

What is your number one New Years Resolution?

My New Year resolution doesn’t really change much. But it ranges. One year it’ll be to write the next great American novel. The next year it will be to lose weight. The next will be back to writing & then to losing weight. It’s a back and forth battle I’m probably never going to win.

2020 was to lose weight.
2021 was to write more.
2022 was to lose weight.
2023 was to write more.
2024, back to losing weight.
2025 – will be to write more.
See how that works?

Maybe this year I just need to say both – lose weight && write more.

I have been watching sitcoms lately that have already finished. No longer airing. Right now I’m on Mike & Molly && a part of me is jealous of the decision that Molly made. For anyone who didn’t watch it, she was a teacher for ten years. During a state standardized test she flipped a switch – crawled out of her classroom window && into the rain – telling her students to never stop dreaming. That’s the day she walked away from her career to make writing her full time job. Has she been having ups and downs? Thinking she wasn’t good enough? Looking into other jobs – driving instructor, forklift driver. Well yes.. But a small part of me wishes I could just crawl out a window at work and into a rainstorm and never look back. But sadly, my job has no windows && I can’t just quit my job because I need the income that being a full time unpaid writer wouldn’t give me.

But at the same time, of course, I wonder to myself – would I be okay without working? I took two weeks vacation in November && by the end of it I was pretty grumpy. I’m not sure if it’s because of me not going to work or if it’s because most of it I was alone because Boyfriend was still going to work – he didn’t have the vacation time to take off like I did.

In conclusion to my rambling. 2024’s main goal is to lose weight. The minor goal is to write more. The smallest of goals (say that in your head with a squeak to your voice) is to become a paid writer of sorts. It can even just be a blog writer. I’ll be okay with that. && be able to crawl out of my works window, into the pouring rain, and never look back.

Walking Around the Clock.

I bought a treadmill.

&& shockingly, a part of my body didn’t try to die. (Remember jump rope?) I had it a few days before I actually used it. && I could sit here and give you a million reasons why I didn’t – but truth is… lazy.

The treadmill was on sale. && when I say it was on sale, I’m talking dropped nearly 400$. I have been wanting to buy one because I know I’ll use it. But there are still days where I’ll go outside for a walk. But with this, I have no excuse.

The last seven days I have walked a total of 2:22:20 hours, 3.83 miles && estimated calorie burn of 755. I have given myself small goals on it each day. First. I want to hit one mile. Two. I want to hit 45 minutes or more of walking. Three. I want to burn at least 200 calories. (I know the calorie count is an approximate.) I usually hit one mile first. Takes me approximately 30ish minutes. Then I hit the 200 calories. At that point, I’m just waiting to hit the 45 minute mark.

I know doctors say at least 30 minutes a day, but I figure an extra 15 isn’t going to kill me. Unless I trip – like I almost did today. So my machine has the ability to program exercises for you. I thought today I would do this tour in Louisiana that is on there through a building. Sounded exciting. It was up until it decided it need to speed up, didn’t give me any warning, and I nearly tripped and fell.

Falling on a treadmill is not on my to-do list.

Going with the 200 or more calories per workout, for five days a week, that’s 1000 calories. By gum, if I can’t lose the weight doing 1,000 calories a week – then I need to admit and accept that I’m meant to be overweight and just move on.

But even as optimistic as I am, a part of me worries that I’ve done too much damage && that I can’t reverse anything. I get, && understand that diabetes isn’t curable. It’s manageable. It’s also reversible. A part of me is scared to death that I can’t reverse it && that I have do deal with this the rest of my life. That’s even if I pull the weight off && get myself back on track.

I guess the good part of all of this? I’m out of my walking rut. Now I just have to keep going && not give myself a dumb excuse why I can’t walk one day. The only day I don’t plan on walking is Saturday’s && I’m not using an excuse. It’s the truth. I work from 5A-5:30P – by the time I get home I have enough time to make something for dinner, get to bed, just to wake up and be at work at 5A again. I’m not even going to try to exercise on Saturday’s unless I find that I am off on Sunday’s && as short handed as we are on that day – I don’t see it anytime soon.

My goal is five days. Monday through Friday. If I can hit that goal, I won’t beat myself up if I don’t walk Saturday && Sunday.

I feel as if I’m rambling. So I’m going to stop now.