Today’s Daily Prompt : Go back in time to an event you think could have played out differently for you. Let alternate history have its moment: tell us what could, would or should have happened?

I could sit here and think of a few things I wish had played out differently.  Losing my mother.  Losing my father.  But out of everything that has happened in my life there really is only one thing that was under my control & I should have done differently.  Well, two things.  And sadly, both were about school.  Go figure!

When I lost my mother in high school I never felt the same afterwards.  I never felt like the “Barbara” I was before.  Now, I don’t remember her.  She’s gone and I cannot, no matter what I do, find who she was.  I’ve tried.

One thing that changed for me was high school.  I can remember trying so hard to finish, mostly for my mother, she had so many dreams for me.  Her and I had decided that after I graduated that we’d attend the same college and get a degree in Law.  Become lawyers.  Open our own firm and call it Hightower -N- Hightower.  It never happened.

When I entered eleventh grade, the counselor and I had discovered a way to keep me in school and graduate with my class.  A few extra courses and no electives.  Which was fine with me.  I was excited to finally be a junior with only one year left.  I went in with my head high.

Two months passed.  The feelings I had back in ninth flew back faster than I thought was possible.  I remember walking through the hallway and felt like the walls were literally closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe.  It was if I was not where I was supposed to be.

I never went back.

That began my life of wondering, I guess you could say.  I never had a “home” and no matter where I was at I never felt at “home”.  I felt like a drifter.  I never thought my life would become that.  I held odd and end jobs after wards, never fulfilling anything.  Because I knew, deep down inside, that what I wanted was an education. I’ve always loved to learn new things and fill my head full of information that not many people had.

When I got into a job that accused me of stealing, after talking to my dad, I decided to go to college.  After three semesters of college, one of which I lost my dad during, I flunked.  Why?  Because I let everyone tell me that the best thing to do was stick it out and not drop all my classes.  I dropped two and kept two.  I now owe the school 1400$, and until it’s paid I cannot go back.

If I could do it differently?  I wouldn’t have quit high school.  I would have went back.  I hadn’t missed any school up to that point, and I was actually passing.  I would have stuck it out and went to the college I dreamed about, Texas Tech University.  I’d be graduating.  I’d be happy.

Instead, I owe a college money, and I am never going to live out my dream of writing because I cannot afford to pay off the college.

When it came to college if I couldn’t have saved high school, I would have dropped all of the classes instead of just two.  Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish.  I pulled out the semester I lost my dad with a 4.0, & the next semester got to me.  I knew I wasn’t going to pass, but instead of listening to myself I listened to everyone else.  Just like when I picked my major.  Instead of picking English, like I wanted to in the first place, I have three semesters in for Business Management, when I don’t want to be a manager of nothing.

This is old, but I needed something to write about so I scanned through the old Daily Prompts & this sounded fun.

You’re what… 45 now?

I bet you were scared through your lifetime of getting older.  44 isn’t so bad, is it?  You’re probably thinking totally different.  Right now, though, I’m scared to death to get older.  Not because I’m older.  But because I’m closer to death.  Is that what you’re thinking?

I wonder if you’re still in Oklahoma.  Are you still living across the street from Tim?  Or did you finally grow some ‘balls’ & move away?  I kind of hope we did.

Are we still lonely?  Married?  Did we have kids?  Right now I don’t want any.  Any of it.  I’m too picky & it’s not worth settling with someone I don’t want & cannot love.  Know what I mean?  Did we ever figure out what ‘love’ was & do we feel it?

So have we become the scary cat woman that neighbor kids are afraid of?  I’m already almost there.  Neighbor kids won’t come out if I’m around.  *giggles*

Did any of our dreams come true?  Are we a novelist?  Did we finally finish the trilogy that we planned to a tee?  I hope so.  I really do.  That’s what would make me happy.  Do you even still write?  I would hate to know that one day I just stop.

I don’t know what it’s like when I’m 45; I’m sorry, what it will be like.  I just hope I’m happy.  Accomplished.  Thin?  I hope Tim & I are just as close – no matter where I am located.

I hope we don’t still work at the Casino.  I’m hoping that we’re far away from there living dreams we didn’t think was possible.

But in all, I hope for happiness & that all my ‘what if’s’ are gone & I am finally making decisions that will be great for myself.

Love always,
25 Year Old Barbara

This is old, but I needed something to write about so I scanned through the old Daily Prompts & this sounded fun.

Dear 14 year old Barbara,

Life as you know it is about to get really hard.  You’re fixing to make decisions you will regret for the rest of your life.  You’re going to be sad, lonely, & not want to be around anyone.  You’re fixing to feel feelings you didn’t think was possible at such a young age.  Just remember one thing as you’re going through it, you will always have Tim.  He may be a complete jerk sometimes, but he is the only brother who loves you more than you’d ever think.

Tomorrow tell your mother you love her.  You love her more than you can express in words.  Spend all the time in the world with her.  Hug her.  Kiss her.  Fill her water cup anywhere she shakes it.  If she asks you to do the weirdest stuff, do it.  No questions asked.

On April 10, 2003 : don’t go through her bad.  Leave it alone.  Just let whatever may be in it – leave it alone.

Get to know dad.  He’s such a great guy.  He loves you more than you’d think.  I promise.  Just feel lucky that you have both parents right now.  Dad really does love mom, don’t ever think otherwise.  Even when she has the weirdest dreams ever.

You’ll never figure out life.  Or at least you haven’t yet.  But you will figure out what you want to do in it.  You’ll realize that what everybody says you want, is not what you want.  Go with your heart on EVERYTHING you do.  Don’t live life doing “what if’s” just because you’re afraid.  Just remember one thing, you are a great person.  Don’t let anybody ever tell you different.  They will try to bring you down & eat dirt, but remember, you’re better than that.  You have great friends that you’ll keep forever.  Don’t ever think different.

Love always,
Your 25 year old self.

The daily prompt today: think of something that totally grosses you out & then point out some good things about it.

After I read this & got done laughing I knew exactly what I would write about.  Knew exactly one thing that, no matter who talks about it or does it, it grosses me out.  After thinking about what grosses me out I wondered to myself, can I even make good points about it?  Probably not.  For me.  But for anybody else, you can probably think of three or four things that you LOVE about what grosses me out.

What is it?  The Sound of Sex.

You just chuckled right?  Followed by a “how is that possible?”

Let me explain it’s not about ‘sex’.  It’s the sounds that come from it.  & no, I’m not talking about moaning or screaming, if you are into that.  I’m talking about the sound itself.  Can’t imagine it?  (Grab your cheeks.  Pull them out & in really fast.)  THAT NOISE!  *shivers*  Just the thought makes me cringe.

Is there anything good about it?  (Yes, that’s me asking you.)  Because I personally, cannot find one.  The sound is gross.  It makes any thought, for me, of having sex way out in left field.  No. Farther.

On WordPress they give you ‘daily prompts’, I’m sure everyone has seen it.  I wanted to write but I was unsure of what to write about.  I could have sat here & wrote about my day so far, but since it’s only ten-thirty in the morning, that would more than likely be extremely short.  Plus, you can read that on my Facebook page anyway.  So there is no point in me attempting to write a nine thousand word blog about what I have done today.  Not that I would actually write a nine thousand word blog.

So, instead of pulling up “add new post” & stare blankly at the big white square hoping that words would just jump on my screen.  I decided to go ahead and click the link “daily prompt” & see what they had to write about.  I read it.

“Tell us about something you’ve done that you would advise a friend never to do.”

Ever had that feeling where you swear your mind just farted?  Yeah.  That one.  Yeah, I got it.  I sat there trying to think of something that I have done that I could tell friends to never do.  But I came up short.  That’s when I realized that I haven’t done anything.  At all.

In five days I’ll be 25 years old and I have done nothing.  I can’t talk about a year and a half long alcohol problem.  Or that I had issues with E & lost everything because of it.  I can’t say that I went through this weird stage of stealing because it made me feel good.  Nothing.

What have I done?  I dropped out of high school at the age of sixteen.  Why?  Because every time I walked into the high school I felt like I was drowning.  That the walls were caving in on me & everyone, including my teachers, were laughing at me.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  So, I never went back.

Friends.  Do not do that.  Finish.  That was by far the first and worse mistake of my life.  I wish, to this day, that I had my high school diploma.  I had to settle with a G.E.D that I recently just got.

I worked at Wal-Mart once.  Got extremely mad at the manager & literally threw my badge them.  They fired me.

Friends.  Do not throw your badge at your supervisor.  They will fire you.

When I was fifteen, after my mother passed away, decided that a park ranger was being extremely horrible to my brother.  He told him he was drunk & pestering little kids.  So I took it upon myself to throw a chair at him.  I hit his car.

Friends.  Do not throw chairs at park rangers/cops.  They’ll point their finger at you & threaten to call your parents.  Of course remember, though, I was only fifteen.  I’m sure if you’re over 21 there would be more consequences.  But of course, what do I know?

Sadly, that is all there is.  I have done nothing else.  I’m pretty much that boring.  All I can say, I may be boring but at least I’ve never been to jail, stole anything, or done some hard-core drugs that messed me up.  I’m already messed up.