By twenty-five most people have already figured everything out.  Or so they thought.  The ones who finish high school at 18 & decided against going to college.  They got married, and now have children.  Now finding part-time jobs around the age of 25 because their kids are in school & they are bored.

Then there are the ones who finish high school at 18 & went straight to college.  Finishing up their degree & probably near getting their masters degree.  They more than likely have a boyfriend they’ve had for many years & not looking at having children anytime soon but are talking about marriage.

Then there are the few out there who dropped out of high school at 16.  Not because they weren’t intelligent enough to do it, but because when they walked into their high school they felt as if they were drowning.  Nothing seemed right & everything was suffocating.  The teachers.  Students.  Homework.  Even their closest friends.  So they dropped out.  Didn’t finish.

Then horrible job after horrible job led them to realize they wanted to go to college.  They have no significant other, no children & aren’t really thinking about either.  They want to get a degree in something that matters to them.  Even if they have to use it for other things than what they hoped.

So around 21 they decide to go to school.  They enroll & begin their education in English.  Because that is what they want to do.  Half way through the semester, after talking to someone they are close with they decided to change their major to business – because English isn’t going to get them anything but they can do anything with a business degree.  A few semesters go by taking business class after business class.  After failing a complete semester of business classes it hits them!  I am in the wrong area of study.  But after so many semesters… isn’t it too late?

That is when all the conversations you’ve ever had in your past come to a flying halt in front of you & it makes you think oh no!

Then it makes you wonder if everything you’ve chosen so far, mostly out of fear of doing the wrong stuff, you’ve picked all the wrong stuff.
The point?

I just feel like I am supposed to do more than what I have done.  I’m so scared of leaving Oklahoma & being away from my brother when sometimes that is what I think I’m supposed to do.  Ever feel like the life you’re living isn’t the life you were meant to live?  At times I feel extremely happy & others I’m sitting around watching television by myself thinking I wish there was more to this.  I’m not so sure it’s all about colleges & work.. but something is missing & I cannot pinpoint what it is.  But sitting here tonight I think about going back to College & finishing my two year.  Then what?  Go on with my two year and be done with it?  No.

But the biggest question I have : How can a person figure out what is missing in their life if they aren’t sure what it is?

I found myself walking the path my mother & I used to walk when I was younger.  Younger as in, around twelve, I’m not really that old now.  At least that’s what I am telling myself when I think about turning 25 next month.  Is it too early in life to start freaking out about age?

Her & I used to walk it because there are hills.  Unless you walk it backwards of course.  We never did.  I remember we walked it slow.  Talked.  I don’t think I could tell you any of the conversations.  But I remember we done nothing but talked.  I was listening to music as I walked it.  Mostly to drown out the jokes about “the fat girl walking”.  The only thing I wonder how are you supposed to become the not fat girl walking if people make fun of you for walking?

I used to walk a lot.  I love to walk.  I’m not going to say that I used to walk every day & it’s all I thought about.  That’s a lie.  I used to walk maybe once or twice a week.  If you’re lucky.  When my brother started driving you were lucky to ever see me walking.  Why walk when I have a ride?  But the jokes I heard was half the reason I stopped walking.  The other half?  It’s a mix between being extremely lazy & the pains I get from walking.  You know.  Because I am lazy.

Lazy is something I really must get over.  The pain I can eventually walk out.  If I am sitting still that’s when I hurt.  But if I keep moving then I don’t hurt.  (duh!)  It’s just that, though.  I don’t even want to be moving.  Honestly.  All I want to do is close all the doors, clothes the blinds, & get on the couch & sleep.  But I haven’t.  I’m still awake.  Mostly.  A part of me I really believe is asleep.

Don’t let me lie though.  I did doze off about fifteen minutes ago.  My cell phone woke me up & began moving around.

The walk yesterday was surprisingly good, though.  I was sore from the day before but I ended up walking out the pains.  Even though I cramped a couple times going up a hill.  Twice.

My next problem I have to get over?  Not eating dinner so late.

Last night I felt great after my walk.  But I was hungry & I wasn’t able to make dinner until around ten o’clock at night.  When, even I know, you are supposed to eat dinner before six & if you have a twang of hunger – snack.  Nothing large.  Small.  But sometimes I find myself sleeping until three.  Dinner at five?  Then what?  I’m hungry again by nine & I need to be in bed by ten.  It doesn’t work out very well.  I understand how it works.  Breakfast.  Snack.  Lunch.  Snack.  Dinner.  Snack.  But two problems.  One.  I rarely eat breakfast.  Let alone breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.  I find myself sometimes only eating once a day.  Does anybody really eat six times a day?

I honestly think this weight isn’t going to go anywhere.  I don’t have the time or the money to do this.  What does money have to do with anything?  I haven’t had groceries in my house in two months.  Why?  Because I cannot afford to buy groceries.  But if I think of it logically.  I don’t buy groceries because I need to eat at work on the weekends.  So I keep money for lunches.  If I buy groceries, I can take a lunch.  Especially since I am sick of the casino food.  (It’s the same thing every day.  Literally.)  I think my logic just faded.  (I’m not sure I had logic to begin with.  Shut up!)  

I will say this much.  My “work week” ends on Tuesday morning.  I arrive at home around 6:30 in the morning.  I am usually asleep by 7.  Then I normally sleep all day.  I’m talking waking up around 9 in the evening.  Get up & eat.  Then go back to sleep until around 7 in the morning on Wednesday.  I lost my Tuesday.  The week though, I set my alarm for 3 in the afternoon.  & I was awake until around 11 PM.  I felt wonderful all day.  & still do feel wonderful.  It’s something to keep in mind.

Maybe I will just become bulimic.

I bought my first car when I was eighteen years old.  I walked into a car lot & fell in love with a 2001 Dodge Stratus.  I paid $4600.  When I finally got my license, 21 years old, I finally began driving it. 

I am a horrible driver, by the way.

Ever since I began driving my car I have had to replace something every year.  Literally. 

I began planning my vacation a couple weeks ago.  Even took off work for it.  Remember the vacation blog?  Yeah.  My car is no longer running.  Yeah.  You read that right.  & I am not a hundred percent sure what is wrong with it.  We’ve narrowed it down, though.  It’s either the battery.  Alternator.  A sensor.  Or my car is finally broken.  Maybe that isn’t so narrow.  My mechanic, who happens to be my brother, is pretty sure it’s the alternator.  I am not really sure what I want it to be.  Either way, I’m out $100. 

Now let’s in the cost to change my oil because I haven’t changed it in a year.  & having my brother as my mechanic sucks here.  Why?  Because he decided if he works on my car I have to buy the parts he wants.  What does that mean?  It’s not cheap.  It takes me $100 when he changes my oil.  I guess that isn’t totally bad if it’s yearly.

I still plan on going on vacation next month.  I’m hoping I’ll still be able to save some money.  It takes $50 to fill up my car with gas.  So I need at least $100, because I only get 300 miles per full tank.  My house to Amarillo, Texas is about 330 miles.  I’ll have to refill before I get to my destination.  I really hope my car doesn’t ruin my vacation.  I don’t want to stay here during it.  I guess if I do have to stay it’ll be running well enough & I will just go watch “Breaking Dawn: Part 2” in theaters.

The biggest issue I may come up to is not having the money to go.  & if that happens, I’m going to be one very sad little person.  Mostly because I have many reasons to go.

Where am I going?

Amarillo, Texas.  Yeah boi!!! (giggles)

My brother & I decided that I need to pack up & leave for a few days. I talked to my supervisor & took off my birthday, & three days.  Yay me!  I plan on leaving November 12 & returning November 23.  I’m so excited. 

Only downfall?

When my sister-in-law realizes that is the week that Breaking Dawn – Part 2 comes out & she will have to wait a week to watch it.  She is going to be furious.  Good thing she doesn’t read my blog & by the time she realizes it, I’ll be out of state. 

I live in a small southern Oklahoma town.  I grew up here.  Wasn’t born here.  But I love this town.  Always have.  Most people, unless you grew up down here, you’ve probably never even heard of this town.  The population, might be, 2,616 – if you’re lucky.  I was born in a town of 194,000.  I’m scared to leave.  I use family as the excuse to not leaving.  I cannot do what I want to do here.  There is no where I can do what I want.  But.. I’m scared to move away.  I’m afraid I will miss something here.  & the only family member I have left, that I’m really close to, I’m afraid something will happen.

I look at the whole picture.  I want to be a writer.  I’ll never become one here.  Ever.  I can write.  Write.  & write until I bleed through my fingertips.  Living here, I’ll never become one.  There are no opportunities here.

Before my dad passed away last year he told me more than once to leave Oklahoma.  That he really believes I deserve more than what I can accomplish here.  I have a dream that every morning I wake up & go to work.  I show up in nice clothes, hair nicely done.  On my way I swing by a small coffee shop & pick me up hot chocolate (I don’t like coffee) & a muffin.  I show up at my “office”, sit down at a desk, & I write.  I type out article by article & argue with myself on which one I”ll let them publish.  Because the third one sucks.

But I live my life on fears.  I’m scared to leave.  I’m scared to leave what I know for the unknown.  I’m scared to leave every here because I am comfortable here.  I feel if I were to leave that someone here would need me.  Or if I go then I’ll never get to see anybody anymore.  Even though I know I could come on weekends.  Or leave & be worse off then I am now & never achieve anything anyway.

I mean even if I decided to go.  Just leave.  It would be a while.  I want to finish college first.  Need an education to work at McDonald’s.  I have things to do before I go, but after I get a college degree, then what?  Stay here & work at the Casino the rest of my life because it’s a job?  Never go anywhere or do anything I really want to do because my life right now is comfortable.

But… I’m scared.

I went to my first rock concert last night.  Yup.  Seriously.  I’ll be 25 in two months & I went to my first rock concert.  “Rock”.  I’ve been to country.  *gags*

Before the concert started two girls were arrested for hitting police.  Yep.  Seriously.  For some reason, I didn’t expect that from that particular concert.

What concert?  Blink 182.  Woo!

Those little twelve, and thirteen year old kids crack me up.  They swear up & down that they grew up with them when in reality, the only reason they know who they are is because of people my age.  Nothing else.  They had a close up of Mark & my heart broke, didn’t realize how old he has gotten.

It was by far one of the best nights in a while.  I enjoyed it.  Woo!

******

I was so worn out last night by 11 at night I was out.  Got home & got something to eat & passed out.  I was so sore.  & I’m not sure why.  I was so out that I ended up having a dream of my story.  Wrote a full chapter in my head.  Yep.  Seriously.  Even woke up a few times writing it in my head.  But I wanted to finish the chapter.  I wanted to see how it ended.

Guess what?!

Yeah.  That’s right.  I forgot it.

I remember the basis of what the chapter was about.  & I pretty much can still see it playing in my head.  But the words I was using I cannot remember.  Or how I even worded it.  I might sit down & make notes.  Maybe figure it out.

Wish me luck.

Not really.

I cannot afford a trip to Guam.  I can barely afford groceries.  Okay.  I can’t afford groceries.  That’s because I’m poor.  Yeah.  I said it.  Online.  Stuck forever.  But I am.

I decided to give back the refrigerator I was paying for.  100$ more a month.  Then I can buy groceries.  Where will I put them?  In the refrigerator that I am buying from a friend.  It’s old.  Yellow.  But… it works.  So I’m happy.

I’m thinking about getting rid of my television that sits in my bedroom.  That would be another 50$.  But then again I don’t want to.  Confusion.

I was sitting here thinking about writing & began reading through blogs.  Found a couple I like.  Follow?  Check!  I barely get sign onto this anymore because I just don’t have anything to read.  No inspiration.  I have no inspiration for much.  Mostly writing.  W-R-I-T-I-N-G.

I read a post about ‘dream jobs’ & that many people ‘settle’ with jobs just because they can get the job.  I have done that.  Sort of.  I like my job.  At a casino.  Sitting in front of a computer.  But my passion will always lie with writing.  It’s been my passion since I was in fifth grade when I wrote my very first poem & got an A because my teacher LOVED it.  Now that I think back on the poem it was silly.  What did it say?

Friends.
I have so many friends,
There all so mean,
I don’t know which one I like best.
They’re all so nice,
They’re all so mean,
They’re all so hyper,
Just like me.

Just to make a point, I actually forgot the second line of that just now.  I had to think hard.  (Most of my life I have forgotten.)

When I first entered college I was going to get a degree in English.  Keep going & get a degree in journalism.  I talked to someone about that idea & for some reason I let them talk me out of it.  A semester later I changed my degree plans to business management.  I don’t want to be someone’s boss.  I could care less – honestly, if I was to ever be able to stick my finger in someone’s face & tell them “you’re stupid & doing it all wrong”.  (Yes, I realized that AFTER I went out for supervisor at my job.)  I want to write.  I want to write.  I want to write.  I want to write.

I was told once that I only want to write to make loads of money.  Just so every one knows, most writers are NEVER published.  That will be me.  I will never be published.  I don’t have the inspiration to finish something I begin to write.  One of these day’s I suppose.

But a couple things I’ve noticed in the last few years:

EVERYONE wants to be a novelist & be published & make bookoo’s of money.  (Unless you’re lucky enough to write something like Twilight or Harry Potter – that is crap.)

Most people begin writing in their 20’s, finally get a break & get published in their 40’s.  (I’ve been writing since I was 12.  Maybe my break will be sooner than my 40’s.)

Writing is hard.  (A bunch of blah’s together with a period doesn’t work.)

Writing is really hard.

I decided that I would try & take my job a little further.  Instead of just sitting at a desk in front of computers I wanted to try & go out for supervisor.  I filled out the application, got an interview – thought I done really well.  I dressed nice.  Took out my tongue ring.  Fixed my hair.  Done my make up.  Showed up nearly fifteen minutes early.  Spoke in complete sentences.  Never said ‘uh’, ‘but’, or paused for a really long time.  I really believed I had a shot.  Apparently, I did something stupid.  Or something.  I’m not sure.  They don’t tell things like that.  I went to work Saturday & in my box was a rejection letter :

Dear Barbara,

Thank you for applying for the position.  But right now, you suck.

Boo you!

Peace.

Signed,
Your Boss.

Is that honestly what it said?  Of course not.

Ever since I got the rejection I’ve been trying to think of reasons why it’s a good thing.  I couldn’t really think of any.  I really, really wanted that job.  Bad.  I haven’t wanted something that bad in a while.  Except one thing.

…to finish my story.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t get it.  & even if it’s not true.  But what a thought.. didn’t get something like that & then get a burst of inspiration for my story?  Think about it.  Everyone says that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe.. just maybe… I didn’t get the job because ‘fate’ wants me to finish my story once & for all.

Will it happen?

I really hope so.

Today would be my mothers 50th birthday.

She was 40 years old when she died.  I was 15.  It has taken sometime to think about it without wanting to cry.  It has been nearly 10 years.  It doesn’t seem like it.  April of next year will be 10 years.

She would be freaking out.  I remember when she turned 40.  It brought her to tears many times.  She kept saying that she was closer to death.  She was scared to get older.  But who would have ever thought that she may have known something that we didn’t.  She turned 40, July 19m 2002 & passed away April 10, 2003.

I had actually forgot what today was until I talked to my brother.  After a while when something breaks your heart you try & forget about it.  I succeeded.  We usually go on vacation this week.  In 2002, our last family vacation, we went to Kissimmee, Florida.  Got to walk around Walt Disney World & have a bird poop on my head.  It was one of the best vacations we ever had.  Or at least one of them.

I miss her like crazy.