When I was fifteen I lost my mother.
The day before she passed her && I spent the whole day together. I had woke up that day to get ready for school but something told me not to go. So I didn’t. I used the fact that my foot was broken, I said it hurt, to not go to school that day. Instead, we spent the day together.
At a point in the day she told me if there was anyway she could come back && let us know that she was safe, and had found her mother and grandfather, that she’d let me know. I joked, of course, && told her I wouldn’t do that unless you want to see me a lot earlier than you expected. We both chuckled.
She was scared that day. I didn’t realize it at the time. But she was. I remember going home that night helping her pack and get ready to go to the hospital. In the bag she had packed were letters she had written. They were for my brother, dad && me. When I found them that day I asked her about them && she said they were nothing && threw them away. A part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything. I have always wondered what it said.
The next day we drove to OKC Heart hospital. Waited all day. Drove home that night without her.
A few days pass, not many, just enough. My brother && I were in my bedroom – up on the shelf was a mantle clock that belonged to my great-grandfather. It hasn’t worked in years due to the fact that all of the inside pieces are in the bottom of it. That day the clock chimed three times. I looked at my brother who looked back at me. For a brief second – I was relieved. My brother & I have always believed, && I always will, that was my mother telling us that she found our grandmother && great-grandfather && that they were together.
Every so often I’ll see a shadow out of the corner of my eye – not all the time, and it’s usually subtle and doesn’t stay long. Just long enough, I guess. I’ll stare in the direction of the shadow – I don’t know if it’s in hopes of actually seeing her or just feeling comfort to know she’s there.
I just hope that she is proud of me. Even though my house is a mess, my life is a mess && I’m nowhere near being in the position that I thought I would be at 34. && I hope after my dad passed that he was able to find her. That they are together along with her parents, and his parents, siblings, etc. I hope that in the afterlife you do find your people && you know it. That it isn’t over after you die && there are great things for you waiting.
♥The Barbosphere♥ 