Promises.

Daily writing prompt

What’s a promise you made to yourself that you’ve actually kept?

I have probably made a million promises to myself that most I didn’t keep. But I’ll always have one that I kept because it’s something I needed for myself: be true to who I am && love myself.

Let’s start here for a moment: I went this past Saturday (the 18th) to the reunion of the high school class I attended school with. One comment stuck out to me the most. One of the guys I had no issues with growing up stopped, leaned against a chair && told me, “Barb. You really did come out of your shell since school.”

Came out of my shell.

That wasn’t easy for me. I let my personality, as I do believe I have stated, be defined by the people that has been in my life. Not so much just high school peers, but everyone. I have always been the “fat friend”, the “ugly friend”, the “friend that doesn’t care”. When you hit a certain age, you realize you can’t live your life like that.

I’m also not saying that I’m no longer the “fat, ugly, friend that doesn’t care”. What I’m saying is that I found myself along the way. I dropped friends, I moved on, and I had to come to terms with who I am && it’s all I can be. Sometimes, I wish more people could do that sooner in life. It wasn’t “soon” in my life, either && sometimes I’m sad about that. I lived a very long time believing what others said or thought.

It took an emotional breakdown.
Losing friends.
Having ex-boyfriends ask me why my friends didn’t like them.
Hearing statements like “if you were thinner, you’d be cute.”

The emotional breakdown – I was twenty. My brother had no idea what to do because when I broke – I broke. He ended up sending me to my grandfather’s house. For four months I lived in Amarillo, Texas and spent time with my grandfather *mom’s dad*, and my Aunt & Uncle *dad’s brother*. I ran to Amarillo a lot when I was younger. 15. 17. 20. I remember spending my 21st birthday with my grandfather (Papa Dad). I remember him buying me a birthday cake, it was yellow. Him && I spent the evening together watching television and having cake. That was probably one of my favorite birthday’s.

I walked away from many friends. Friends who weren’t doing anything for me mentally, emotionally, or helping my maturity level. It was hard and anyone that had to walk away from friendships understand, but for me to find me, love me, enjoy me – finally be the person I always wanted – I had to walk away.

Ex-boyfriends are exes for a reason. I can say that my last boyfriend was when I was 21 – after him, the two before, I realized that what I was searching for in a guy I wasn’t going to find. At least there, in that point in my life. So, I stopped. I just stopped. Of course, when someone asked, I always said what they expected, “guys don’t find me attractive and I’m happy just being the friend.” I had a guy tell me once, “it’s cute that you like me, but you’re not my type”. I wasn’t attracted to him – but for some reason, it never failed, if I was nice to a guy, they just assumed that I wanted them. I didn’t. && yes, I did have an ex-boyfriend ask me why my friends didn’t like him like that. I was single until I was twenty-six and I think it’s because the guy I wanted, that I felt a connection with, I had “met” when I was eighteen. I honestly think I secretly compared all the guys after that (which was all of my exes) to THAT guy.

He came back when I was twenty-six. We’re married now.

Just an FYI, moment. I have lost 150 pounds since November 2024 – I look exactly the same. So, if I were ugly then.. I’m still ugly.

But for me. I do agree that I came out of my shell. It’s because I found me. I found my personality. Do I still have days that are hard? Yes. I think I always will. However, my promise to myself to be a better me and be happy and love myself – I’ve kept that.

Even on the hardest of day.
Even on the days I start laughing so hard I end up crying.
Even the days where I’m alone, leaning on a wall watching people interact and looking straight through me.
Even the moments where I don’t understand what’s happening in my head.
Even the times where I lose my crap and scream at a co-worker and end up in trouble.
Even the hours where I just want to sit in bed in the dark listening to “I Love Lucy”.
Even the points in life where nothing makes me happy and I just exist.

In all of those moments – I will still always choose myself.

I know what I want out of life. && I’ll make a promise on top of my best promise – I promise that I will achieve what I want. Even if it takes me until I’m 96 – I will achieve my goals.

A little late…

I realized, while looking at and deleting drafts, I had started 2025 in review. However, I never finished it. But as I sat here staring at it I realized I didn’t actually do anything that important last year.

Except one thing.

Which of course I wanted to share.

On July 19, 2025, I married the love of my life in a small intimate ceremony that was decked out like Christmas.

Fangirling.

Let’s talk about doing things that you’ve always wanted to do but never got the opportunity.

A couple months ago I was fiddling on Facebook, because that is what one does out of boredom, and came across a post in Broken Bow, Oklahoma about a popular food chef that was hosting a get together. I couldn’t help myself && went straight to the husband. I showed him the post, there, staring back at us was a large article about Jet Tila.

Jet. Freaking. Tila.

For my non-foodie-tv-show-watchers, Jet Tila is a popular TV chef that has a cult following. He may actually not have a cult following, but honestly, it feels like he does. I am one of said cult-followers. #teamjettila

I’m not even sure when I started liking him but one day I found myself watching any && everything that has to do with him. I’m sure everyone has some famous person they like like that.

Needless to say, I bought those tickets. We took a small vacation to Broken Bow – which now I understand why people like it there so much, it’s gorgeous. We left Wednesday and came back Saturday.

This is one of those posts I began writing weeks ago && figured it was time to finish it. Let’s talk through photos.

Stand by for the next installment of traveling for chefs. In June, we will be going to see Maneet Chauhan.

I wrote tonight.

I don’t know.

It’s not a secret. It’s never been a secret. I have two loves. Inanimate loves. We all know what they are. I haven’t spoken about anything else since I started this.

I still pay for this blog. I don’t write as much as I wish. I don’t write daily. Weekly. Monthly. I think about it. I will start a blog. Then save the draft. Then a year later, delete the draft. I probably have three or so right now. That have yet to be deleted.

The point?

Everyone knows I wrote a book. Frost. Took way too many years to write. Still not finished. I need it edited. I think it’s crap.

You know, Stephen King thought Carrie was crap. Even threw it away. Straight into the trash. His wife dug it out. Told him to publish it. But he had tried, multiple times, to publish short stories. I don’t know, maybe around that time he had.

I’ve never been published.

I did a thing once. Last year. Wrote poetry for a company that said they’d publish the poems into a book. Yes. Even I can be retarded. It’s been a year. Almost. Nothing. It’s okay, tho.

I wrote chapter one to my second book. The follow up to Frost. I plan to call it Frosted, if I ever write the whole book. Tonight tho, I wrote chapter one. It’s in a notebook. Will I keep it as is? I don’t know.

I don’t know where I’m going with the second book. I just know I left book one open. Could I never write another one and be on my way? Probably. No one has read it. No one really cares that I wrote it.

Except me.

I want to publish it. For myself, I think. Do I think I’ll make a million dollars and be able to write full time? Absolutely not.

If I publish Frost, it will be for me. Only me. Something that I did for myself.

But first, I have to have someone edit it.

I guess I lied. Someone has read it. Someone that said they’d edit it. Someone that is busy with their own life. Someone who can’t drop everything and do something like that for free. I get it. I won’t even say that I’m on the back burner again. Because I’m not. She’s just busy. People are busy.

Sometimes I’m busy.

But if I want something to happen for myself – I need to do it.

I know my writing issues. Maybe I can figure it out myself.

I’m scared tho. What if I take the time, publish it, then someone reads it and tells me that it’s horribly written. The story is okay, but it’s written horribly.

Then what?

Just because I can sometimes write a blog entry, doesn’t mean I can write. At the same time, how will I ever know if I can’t let someone read my writing.

She has read it. She told me she read it. Said the story is good. ++++ But, at the same time, she can see my errors. The errors I know I have. I just need help. But I can’t afford editors who do it for a living. I priced one once. Two cents per word. Doesn’t sound like a lot. But multiply $0.02 by 100,000 – then come at me again.

She is an old high school English teacher. I know she has the credentials. But at the same time, I can’t hurry her up when I am not paying her. She doesn’t want money, either. Just wants acknowledgement. That I can do.

But here I am. Still sulking. With chapter one written for book two.

The Moon

TV Shows – Rewatching

Daily writing prompt

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

View all responses

I watch two shows yearly: Buffy the Vampire Slayer && Charmed.

I have been watching these two shows yearly for a while now, I don’t think I can even tell you how many years. I have even bought the whole series of Buffy on DVD, just in case they stop streaming it.

I saw the other day that they were in talks of remaking it. Not really “remaking it” but bringing back the cast and making another season. I’m not sure I like the idea. But the child part of me likes the idea. Sarah Michelle Gellar said she’s willing to come back and do it, and she’s the one that has been in talks with Hulu to bring it back.

Here’s my thing. I love that show – I watched it as a child when it was first put on screen, so in 1998ish – I was 11. I used to watch it weekly with my mom, which is probably half the reason I find the show comforting. But honestly, if we are being honest here, they should have cancelled the show around season four. When they blew up the high school && Angel and Cordelia left.

Or, okay, let ‘s say four wasn’t the end – they probably should have stopped when Buffy jumped off the tower and into the swirly bits to protect Dawn. Honestly, they should have never brought her back to life. Because let’s be honest – the fact that they even remotely thought that she was in Hell was a complete sham. Buffy Summers saved the world, a lot. She wasn’t evil. She might have done some things that might have seemed evil, but Buffy was far from it.

&&& I hate what they did with the character of Dawn. She was made from Buffy. I think she should have been stronger. I think they should have made her a slayer. && if not, they could have made her a Guardian. They only spoke of them once, && I’m not sure they were called Guardians. But I think they could have done so much with that character. && sadly, now, we’ll never have a chance. Because I swear to everything green && holy, if they bring back that show, and they recast Dawn with another actress – I’ll riot. Michelle Trachtenberg is the only Dawn I’ll ever want to see in that series. Remember. I. Will. Riot.

People are still mad about David Boreanaz not wanting to reprise the role of Angel. He moved on. Let him stay moved on. Don’t get me wrong, if he wants to come back and be Angel again, let him, but don’t be mad at him if he doesn’t want to. You still have James Masters, he’ll reprise Spike.

Then of course there is the ones who said, “I don’t watch this show if they let Nicholas Brendon come back”. I will end that thought there, I have no thoughts about it.

The only thought I have about bringing back Buffy is…. you saw what they did to Charmed, right? Yes, I know it was a whole different cast && they didn’t allow the old cast to even be a part of it. But it wasn’t good. It looked like, from what I could tell, I only watched season one, that they followed the plot line of the original. Start with three sisters. One dies. Then finds out they have another sister.

I stopped watching it because I’m not one of those females that walk around screaming “GO WOMEN”, “WOMEN ARE GOOD MEN ARE BAD”. That’s what they did to that remake. They made it all about women && they didn’t have to.

Here’s a concept to think about. The original Charmed TV show was about women. Women doing great things and having power that men didn’t. Taking men down and women too. It was very much “woman powered”, but it didn’t throw it down your throat – the remake of Charmed, did. (That’s also why I stopped watching The Connors – well, besides it not having Roseanne in it, and they said that she died of an opioid overdose. Don’t get me started on how messed up that is. But when the Connors continued without Roseanne, and Darlene basically became the main star, they turned that into “women good – men bad”. && I hated what they did to the character of David.)

Basically, I’m not a feminist. I’m telling you right now, there are things men do I refuse to do. I don’t want to do it. && I’m also not one of the ones who think men are allowed to do things women aren’t. Tell me one thing ((&& do not tell me ‘not get raped’)) that men can do a woman can’t. Change my mind.

P.S. For anyone out there that has strong convictions that Buffy needs to be remade with a black slayer. Did everyone just forget about Kendra? The slayer who replaced Buffy when she died in Season One. The slayer who was a better character than Faith ever thought about being. The slayer they let be killed off by Drusilla so Faith could bloom. Forget about her?

P.P.S. I really hated the character of Kennedy.

P.P.P.S. I don’t think they should have killed Amber.

P.P.P.P.S. Sineya, the first slayer, was black. Try to tell me otherwise. Nikki Wood, Principal Wood’s mother. Remember? Spike killed her in the train in New York. Black. I could probably keep going on this for a while. Stop saying that Buffy was a bad show just because the main slayer on it was a white, blond girl. The second most powerful slayer on that show, Kendra, wasn’t white. I was always sad that they killed her – I think they should have let her stay. Faith was fine – but I liked Kendra better.

“I am Kendra. The Vumpire Slaya.”

Revelations.

What have you recently had a revelation about?

I tell you hwat! I’m not liking the last couple days of questions. Hopefully they begin to get better. So another rambling post.

I finished the book I was reading today. && I thoroughly enjoyed it. Had a few cracks about white people in it, but honestly, the cracks weren’t too far off. I think I’m really starting to enjoy thrillers / mysteries. I don’t know what it was about “Almost Surely Dead” by Amina Akhtar, but duuuuuuuuuuude! If you’re in a reading slump I advise you to purchase this book. It’ll pull you straight out of it.

I started another, “The New House” by Tessa Stimson. A friend of mine is in a book club, which I’ve secretly always wanted to be in one, && she added me to their Facebook page – which I accepted. This month they picked this book to read so I’m quietly reading it myself. Why not? It was $0.99 for the Kindle book. I’m not very far into it, when I started reading it I was at work && it was shift change, so it got loud. Figured I’ll read some on it tomorrow – or possibly tonight if I don’t pass out quickly.

Today is Friday, I still haven’t heard back from the weight loss people. I remember when I first sent them a message about getting in with them it took them two weeks – so do I give them two weeks or call back Monday – wait, Monday is a Holiday – Tuesday? We got take out tonight for dinner because we were going to be out late. Boyfriend wanted pizza, so as we were walking into Dominoes to grab his stuff we had to walk by Catos. I sighed at the sight of it and just thought about how I am ready to be able to purchase clothes inside of a store. The last time I was able to do that I was nineteen. Since then it’s been online clothes with hopes that it actually fits.

I’m trying to think if I have anything else to ramble about before I log off && go to bed.

I think I’ve talked myself into beginning a new story. I don’t know if I will finish it or get irritated and toss the notebook out a window. But I’m going to attempt to begin something. I have had a few ideas that I really liked, I just have to get my brain straight so I can write. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Chapter Three.

What did you learn from last year?

People ask questions like this for insight, to make things sound better than they did the year before. I”m not sure I’m that inquisitive.

2023 sucked. I think it sucked for everyone one way or another.
Mine sucked because I had a lot of heart ache. It was the year anniversary of my best friends death. She died in July of 2022, but I felt the year aftermath. I buried my cat, which to a lot doesn’t mean much. But the end of March will always be a sad time for me because that cat was… I’ve always made fun of people (to myself not to them) when they tell me that their cat or dog is like a child to them. Until Dotty was born. Dotty was… Right now I’m looking down the barrel of that year aftermath && I know when March gets here it’s going to hurt just as much as it did in 2023 when I found her.

But at the same time, 2023 was great!
I got a raise at work. If I didn’t have debts before the raise because I couldn’t afford to live beforehand, the raise would be great.
I got engaged to Boyfriend. Planning on doing that in 2025.

But did I learn anything?

I would love to say that I learned a bunch. That I went on some soul searching journey && found the meaning of life. Or that I realized what was missing in my life. Or something huge && big.

All I realized is that I only read seven books this year, and one of them that I thought I read was actually in 2022. I also realized that I haven’t written anything since I finished Frost && that’s been at least three years.

Maybe 2024 will be the year I actually learn something? Or realize something? Or feel something I haven’t felt before.

Making Excuses.

What do you want to be different about this year?

While wandering around Wal-Mart in their tiny book section I came across “A 6 Tear A Day Memory Journal”. It has lined pages and each day has a new question to answer. I have had it for a couple months && I’ve been waiting for January 1st so I could actually start answering them. So that’s what I’m doing. I started yesterday && every day I’m going to answer the question for that day.

What do I want to be different about this year? That could go many directions but to be honest, I’d really just like to stop making excuses && actually jump out the window into the pouring rain && never look back.

When it comes to losing weight, I have excuses.
When it comes to writing more, I have excuses.
When it comes to following my dreams, I have excuses.

I’m pretty sure I’d have an excuse for any && everything you might wanna send my way. But I’m tired of trying to think of excuses as to why I can’t do something. Starting now, I’m done with that. I’m either going to do it or not do it. There’s going to be no more I’d write more if I had something to write about. No more, I’d lose weight if I could find the time to exercise. No more I can’t follow my dreams because my dreams are dumb.

Sitting here today do I know that stopping the excuse making will help me achieve anything that I want? No.
Will it help? Probably not.
But at least this way, I can say I gave it my all && didn’t make an excuse as to why it didn’t happen.

Happy New Year!

What is your number one New Years Resolution?

My New Year resolution doesn’t really change much. But it ranges. One year it’ll be to write the next great American novel. The next year it will be to lose weight. The next will be back to writing & then to losing weight. It’s a back and forth battle I’m probably never going to win.

2020 was to lose weight.
2021 was to write more.
2022 was to lose weight.
2023 was to write more.
2024, back to losing weight.
2025 – will be to write more.
See how that works?

Maybe this year I just need to say both – lose weight && write more.

I have been watching sitcoms lately that have already finished. No longer airing. Right now I’m on Mike & Molly && a part of me is jealous of the decision that Molly made. For anyone who didn’t watch it, she was a teacher for ten years. During a state standardized test she flipped a switch – crawled out of her classroom window && into the rain – telling her students to never stop dreaming. That’s the day she walked away from her career to make writing her full time job. Has she been having ups and downs? Thinking she wasn’t good enough? Looking into other jobs – driving instructor, forklift driver. Well yes.. But a small part of me wishes I could just crawl out a window at work and into a rainstorm and never look back. But sadly, my job has no windows && I can’t just quit my job because I need the income that being a full time unpaid writer wouldn’t give me.

But at the same time, of course, I wonder to myself – would I be okay without working? I took two weeks vacation in November && by the end of it I was pretty grumpy. I’m not sure if it’s because of me not going to work or if it’s because most of it I was alone because Boyfriend was still going to work – he didn’t have the vacation time to take off like I did.

In conclusion to my rambling. 2024’s main goal is to lose weight. The minor goal is to write more. The smallest of goals (say that in your head with a squeak to your voice) is to become a paid writer of sorts. It can even just be a blog writer. I’ll be okay with that. && be able to crawl out of my works window, into the pouring rain, and never look back.

Share the Love!

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