I stopped writing.
Not because I didn’t want to. But because I can’t.
When I sit down to write my brain stops. Empties itself and everything is gone. Think of the episode of Spongebob when Squidward tells him to forget everything except fine dining and the inner-Spongebob’s throw everything away leaving only that. Spongebob forgets his name, his family, his everything – except for fine dining.
That’s what I have felt like lately when I attempt to write. Except, of course, I know nothing about fine dining.
Writing, even reading, has been a way to get my thoughts out and make life a little more bearable. I broke down at work yesterday. Last week I yelled at co-workers, not in a supervisory-yell-at-someome, but a full blown yell-when-I-know-better-but-I-did-and-upset-other-people.
I told the husband today maybe I need to go back to writing. Stop trying to “fix” myself when I know what helps. My manager asked me to go talk to a ‘therapist’. My job has a program that we can utilize for free where you can just go talk to someone. She wants me to really think about going to them – they are on property at work – I’d just have to walk up the stairs and into their office. I will think about it – which is what I told her – but I think first I will get back to writing.
This is me attempting that.
This is me coming back to the written word.
This is me trying to overcome the hurdle I keep tripping over.
I used to keep a blog on blogger.com where I would just sit and type. I would just talk. Think about a fourteen-year-old girl with her very first diary, which is hidden under the mattress of her canopy bed, hiding but in plain sight. No one would think to look there, right? She’d open it nightly and just scribble about her thoughts, her crushes, her dreams, her desires. That was me on blogger. When I switched to WordPress, because I liked the site more, I still did that but tended to move in other directions. I have been using it more for “what do I want out of life”. I know that answer deep inside, I don’t know why I keep asking it.
I need to get back to that.
I need to sit down once a day or possibly twice a day & just write.
Write out feelings.
Thoughts.
Crushes.
Dreams.
Desires.
It’s not even me being worried that I will be embarrassed by what I could possibly write or say. I won’t say no one, but not very many people read this. && if they do, honestly, in person – no one says anything to me about it.
I do have a great post to write soon! Remember how I went to see Jet Tila in Broken Bow, Oklahoma? Remember when I said next, we were going to see Maneet Chauhan? We did! I’ll have to upload pictures soon!
♥The Barbosphere♥ 