Tag: life

Waiting Games.

I’m not a fan of waiting games.

I’m one of those people that if I call a business, any business, I think they should answer the phone. && if they pay someone to just answer phones, that person should answer the phone. I don’t like leaving messages, because when I leave a message – no one calls me back.

I called the weight loss surgeon’s office today. It’s been three weeks && one day since I last called them to inquire about starting the journey over. I got an answering machine – at 2:30 PM. So I left my name, number, date of birth && a brief message, just like it asked me to.

Do I think I’m going to get a call back? No, I honestly don’t.

I had a doctor once that never answered the phone. Even though they paid someone to sit at the front desk && answer phones. The recording said “press one for texting”. If I physically call you – I don’t want to text you. Mostly because most people can’t read. As harsh as that is, people can’t read. && they see my text message and for some reason when I use full words, and complete English, they can’t read. Actually that’s not true. 

I’m annoyed.

People can read. I just don’t like to wait. 

If the surgeon people want to know why I stopped going last year all they have to do is ask. I’ll tell them the truth. Trust me, it takes too much to lie. But they aren’t even asking questions. They just haven’t called me back. The 8th, when I called them, “we will call you back”. Three weeks later. 

I don’t know what else to do. I guess I will just wait some more. I just want to get this journey started over so I can get to the point of having the surgery. I’m tired of feeling like I do all the time && it’s because of my weight. 

I need help.

Cold && Tired.

I’m writing this on my phone tonight. Ever just not feel like life? That’s me tonight.

It’s cold && I’m not liking it. Normally I love the cold but this year I’m not. Our pipes froze so if we have to use the restroom we go to the local gas station – which sucks.

I’m sitting in bed right now under three blankets listening to SpongeBob. We have a space heater going but it only does so much. Thankfully we usually have like 8 cats in bed with us, so that helps with body heat.

But that’s me tonight in a nutshell. I almost said to heck with writing for today but decided I really need to write something. So here is my “something”.

Have a good night. See y’all tomorrow…

Second Chances: Yes or No?

How do you feel about second chances?

I know I started doing these one a day questions so I could find my passion for writing again, but if you’re following along and find a question you like, feel free to write about it. Tag back to me. See if we can get people to start one a day writing.

If you had asked me twelve or thirteen years ago how I felt about second chances, I’m pretty sure my answer would be different. (Keep in mind twelve years ago I was around 24.) Then I would have said everyone deserves a second chance. && while I still do think some do deserve a second chance, I’m not as lenient about who gets the second chance.

In my late teens to early twenties I would have said everyone deserves second chances. Everyone deserves a chance to show that they’d changed for the better. I honestly believed it. To the point that I was writing people in prison so they knew, that when their second chance started, they’d have a friend that believed in them. (I was around 15 to 17 when I was doing that. I don’t do that anymore. Although, I do miss having a pen pal.)

I think after the 100th time behind shafted for being so naïve, is when I finally stopped giving second chances to everyone. Now, of course, I do still believe, in some cases, that people do deserve second chances. && if I did something stupid, that someone, somewhere, would give me the second chance to prove I”ve changed.

However, I do not believe in double-second-chances. Once I give you a second chance to prove yourself, you do it again, I’m done. I’m walking away. Never looking back. I’m tired of being the laughing stock – the butt of jokes – just because at one point in my life I really believed in people && thought if they really wanted to change, they could.

What I have learned is. If they do want to chance. They can. But it has to be their decision and I cannot make that decision for them. I can’t be the one who is always cheering them on when they won’t take the first step to actually do what they need to do to prover that they are a changed person. Which is what second chances are. They are there to prove to everyone around you that you are ready to be a better person and not do the stupid, ignorant, convoluted things you were doing in the past. But if you can’t commit to the change, why should I go out of my way to help you?

Can you tell I’ve been burned a few times?

I think my issue is that I haven’t been burned a lot with second chances, that was usually with a family member, because why would a family member screw you over multiple times? (I did say I can be naïve.) I think my issue is who to trust more than who needs a second chance.

I have had friends through my life that I sit and wonder why we were “friends” && whether or not we were actually friends. I’m sure a lot of people think that way at some point in their lives. But I feel like I’ve thought it more often than I should. I could give examples, but I’m sure some of them will read this && then send me stupid messages && I don’t want to deal with it.

So in your opinion, second chances.. are they worth it? Or should everyone just steer clear of them? Are people worth it to see if they’d change?

Procrastination.

What is something you’ve been procrastinating with that you can no longer put off?

I’m a huge procrastinator – so it’s not hard to believe that I have put a lot of things off. But one thing in particular I’ve been thinking about since 2021 – since my health decided to decline, but not too terribly. I’m still living && not dying any time soon.

However. As a reasonable person, I do realize if I don’t do something now, it won’t be like that. I’m staring down the barrel of a 45, not literally, but I am. 

I think I’ve talked about it before a couple of times where I was thinking about doing it. I’m done thinking. It’s time to git’r’done. 

My procrastination is about weight loss surgery. 

I put it off because I’m actually terrified to do it. But most of the fears are dumb – big head little body. Losing too much weight. The surgery not working && I’m back to where I started. Those fears. But the upside to doing it is a lot better than the silly fears I have. 

Boyfriend asked me to marry him on my birthday. I said yes. How can I look into the future with him like that if I don’t do something about my health? I refuse to force him to bury another girlfriend before he is 40. I refuse to force my brother to bury me before we’re 40. I refuse to force my friends to bury another person before we are 40 – just because I can’t control my weight.

Even pulling off the weight I do still have health issues. Kidney issues. Heart issues. But I know that if I pull off this weight that a lot of it will get a teeny bit better. I need a better relationship with myself before I can expect everyone else to have it.

So 2024 will be the year of me. I will get back into the groove for the surgery and pull this weight off. That way I can live a bit longer than most expect. Plus. I’m 36 years old && I’ve never seen the world as a thinner person. The smallest I can remember being was in high school – I weighed 205 pounds. Doesn’t sound a lot? I’m 5’2″. 205 pounds would be great if I was 5’7″ or taller. But I’m short. And round.

Here’s to finding out what Barb looks like thin. Hopefully it’s not scary!

Lottery Winnings.

Daily writing prompt
What would you do if you won the lottery?
View all responses

Boyfriend && I daydream about this a lot. What would we do if we won?

First, of course, is to pay off the house. Mostly so I can get another one. We got shafted hardcore when we bought this house. The two ladies that lived here, who sold it to us, lied about everything. Every. Single. Thing. I’m not a violent person, but I’m pretty sure if I seen them again I’d punch them in the nose. A part of me hopes they read this. So they know how pissed off I am about this house.

So we’ve paid off the house. Bought a new one. Now I’m going to pay off debts. The debts I have gotten because my job, for 11 years, didn’t pay me enough to live comfortably. So now I have things I pay off monthly, so the raise they gave me last year kind of disappeared because that raise is now paying off debts. Which is why I secretly dream about being able to make money off my blog. But that’s for a different day. So credit cards, loans, && the one car we are still paying on. Paid off.

Then I’d buy my brother a house. His dreams was always to buy a large plot of land, put two houses on it, and him && I live on it together. I realized the other day I wouldn’t be able to leave where I live right now. I like the location hate the house so staying here isn’t a huge problem. But I realized that I would have to catch thousands of cats && take them with me. I wouldn’t be able to just leave them. Even the strays. Plus, Baby && Milo, the two cats we lost last year, they are buried here. I won’t leave me alone. Again.

Food truck. That’s next on the list. Told Boyfriend, the first thing on my list is a food truck plus a large truck to pull it. (I asked him the other day what is the first thing he’d want to buy. We actually bought a lottery ticket – but of course – we didn’t win. He said he’d want a better car. Nothing crazy, just something that wouldn’t fall apart on us as fast as the two we have now. But I want my food truck. Or the log building at the end of my road. I’d take that for a café.

After that. I really want to give money to our town. I’d love to redo the town park. Update the toys, repave it.. maybe add a splashpad for the summertime. Possibly buy a piece of land && open a pool – if the town didn’t disagree with it. I would also love to open a cat sanctuary. I know that sounds weird – but there isn’t any. They have places to take dogs, rabbits, pigs, etc. but no one has anything that takes cats. Pounds take cats. Then kill them. I don’t want all the cats on the planet to die. So we figured why not?

It’s nice to dream about it though. Dream about what I could do to help. I’m telling you, I’d be a fantastic rich person. I’d probably be so fantastic that I’d eventually be poor again. I told Boyfriend to be honest I don’t need millions of dollars. I just need about $500,000 && I’d be set for life. Well, not life. But I could get a new house and pay off debts. If I did that I would be great. Then I could look into the future smiling.

I still do my joke though. Telling people if every person who comes across me cashapp’d me one dollar. Just one single dollar. I’d eventually get to the amount I really needed. $HightowerBarb *winks* I did it a couple weeks ago && got 4$. Plus, my theory – most people can give someone a dollar without batting an eye. It’s simple and most don’t think about a dollar. Has it worked? No. Not in the least. 

Heart Broken.

I talk to a dead cat every day.

January 2021, our cat Penelope had kittens. All of them died except one. I became fond of the little kitten but we had no intentions of keeping her. I was going to find her a new home. (We already had too many cats.)

After she was born I was hospitalized, y’all remember that. When I got home she had a boo-boo on the top of her head. Her mom, Penelope, && Penelopes sister, Benson, got into a fight over her and booped her head. We named her Dotty.

After a bit that spot turned black – not a bad black, she basically ended up with a dot on her head that was black. As she aged a lot of her white darkened. She ended up looking Siamese.

Her and I bonded. We got very close. I fell in love with her when she was a baby. Completely head over heels. She got older, bigger, darker. She slept with me, && would want me to hold her like a baby rocking her as she slept. I called her Babykins. She was my baby.

Two weeks ago she never came home. I waited three days before I really started to freak out. By Friday I needed her home. So I went out looking for her. Walking around our small town I knew she wouldn’t go far. I even asked a Facebook Community page for help.

I found her. 💔

I know people always tell me that they don’t see their animals as animals but as children. I never understood that. Until her. She was special to me. She made me happy. &&& I know she loved me just as much as I loved her. (Even if I did read someone say that animals don’t love us that they only seem like it because they depended on us for food.)

She was down the road. Wet. Dirty. Which was things she hated more than anything. I wish I had went looking for her Wednesday, but I don’t think it would have mattered.

We have a set of aggressive dogs on our street. Mind you, I wasn’t there && at first I thought she was hit by a car. But this past Saturday we found another one of our cats, mauled to death in our back yard. I’m about 100% sure that Babykins was killed by the dogs.

When I found her. A piece of me broke in half. I feel like I’m missing something. A small part of me. A part of my happiness disappeared with her. I picked her limp body up and carried her home with no feelings in my legs. Couldn’t see through the tears. My lungs felt empty. I couldn’t breathe.

I sat on my front porch, alone, crying holding her like I did when she was alive. Close to my chest, rocking her back and forth, crying.

I went to work the next day. I shouldn’t have. For 12.5 hours I sat at my desk and cried. I wasn’t in the correct mindset to be there. I got nothing accomplished. But I went because I had no choice.

Milo, the other cat we found, was our baby. We got him April 2018, and he was solid white && deaf. He was a rescue that we got as a kitten. We raised him. He raised the other cats. We weren’t here for his but I’m pretty sure that Lucci, another one of our cats saw it. He witnessed Milos death. I think this because he has bite marks on his back and side.

Milo

Milo had no chance && I fear that Lucci tried to help but couldn’t. Lucci is now traumatized. Any noise he hears he jumps. Stares at the doors. Won’t go outside. You can tell he is sad.

Lucci

I talk to Babykins every day I walk by her spot. We buried her next to the porch. We put Milo on the other side. They are both there and I see their spots every day.

I really miss them.

Learned Something.

In the 150 years that I have been alive I have always been told “it’s hot because of the humidity”. Okay, that’s fine, I get it.

The other night I was reading something that a friend wrote on Facebook (she lives in South Carolina) that it was In the 70’s. I stopped && thought ‘I wish it was in the 70’s here’ (104° that day). She mentioned the humidity making it extremely hot.

It got me to thinking. The hottest place I have ever been is Florida so I googled the humidity there – that day it was 78%. So I googled mine – I live in Oklahoma – ours was 34%. So I googled South Carolina – it was 34%. (Mind you, today as I write this, all three humidities are in the 70% but not the day I learned this.) That day here it was 104° &&& I felt like I was on fire.

All of this made me google the places with the highest humidity. The top five: Iowa with 82%, New Hampshire with 81%, Alaska with 81%, Maine with 80% && North Dakota with 80%. Alaska and Maine surprised me briefly until I remembered – water. Water heat. It makes your humidity sky rocket. Oklahoma sits at #34 with a 76% humidity && I cannot forget about Texas, since I was born there and I’m about 5 minutes from the state line- it sits at #29 with a 76% humidity. Deleware is the lowest with a 72% humidity.

So I learned it isn’t always the humidity. Sometimes, living in Satan’s butthole, it’s just hot.

I also think I may have been looking at the wrong numbers the other day with the 30% humidity. Today it’s 72% – though it’s 66% in Oklahoma City, 72% in Tulsa and Gage comes in at 49%. Amarillo, Texas is sitting at 58% whereas Houston is at a whopping 85% but Galveston is at 79%.

So there you have it. Todays humidity levels around Oklahoma and Texas.

Have a good day.