Here We Go!

November 2012 – First got the idea of Frost
November 2012 – Began writing.-The first few months was probably the easiest. The words just came to me. Flew out without having to think about it. Came across Chapter Three && the words just stopped. For some weird reason, every odd chapter was hard to write.
January 25, 2015 – I finished writing the full story.
January 26, 2015 – Began editing the story.
January 27, 2015 – Began the LONG fight with the story that lasted seven years.
January 25, 2022 – Finished – completely – the first round of edits. Yes, you read that correctly, I have finished editing the book. Do I think it’s great? No, I still think it needs a lot of work. But this is right direction.

My next plan is to print it out, start to finish, && read it. Make sure it flows, make notes throughout it. Make sure I didn’t take something out that I referenced before. It began with one idea && became something completely different as I finished writing it. But I think most writers say that about their stories.

I have given myself a goal. The goal of finishing this completely before the end of this year. Although, I think I say this every year, I mean it a little more now. The last year has been weird, hard, and stupid – && I know that I may not have forever and if I keep putting it off, my forever is going to be something I don’t enjoy as much as I should. I preach to people all the time to do the stuff in life that makes them happy. So why am I not listening to myself when it comes to my own happiness? I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life. I want to write. I want that to be my living. &&& I will NEVER know for sure if I have what it takes if I never finish the book.

So here I am. My life is fine – but it would be so much better if I could put as my job title “Author”. Be able to say that my life is writing. Writing is my life.

But then again, I have decided to do a lot of things that scare me. That I’m afraid to do. && no, it’s not one of those “I’m going to die so I’m going to do everything on my bucket list.” I am not planning my death. I’m not ready to die. I’m just going to do && try to do the things that I have wanted to but afraid to try. Maybe I’ll go bungee jumping? Go down a water slide? Learn to swim?

I’ve been struggling lately with my sugar numbers. They’ve been high – not last year high, but high. 300’s. All the time. Morning. Afternoon. Night. My phone was been waking me up beeping because it hits 300 between 2AM & 7AM. Then it’ll go down to about 250 && stay there all day. I have been waiting to go see my endocrinologist about it && see what she says, however, when my appointment came up I found out they dropped my insurance – yay. So I was unable to do that. Instead I made an appointment with my primary && had the conversation. After discussing medicine & such she mentioned that it’s probably because I have been taking one of my shots. Why? Because I ran out of it – then tried to get it refilled. The endocrinologist I was seeing doesn’t, for any reason, answer their phone. So I was unable to get it refilled. So my primary refilled it – three months worth – &&& I began taking it again. I’m back on it for two weeks. The last two days I haven’t hit 300. It has been ranging between 150 – 200. Still high, but it’s a lot better than it was.

Weight loss. That’s my goal. I don’t know if I will be able to do it myself. Back of my mind has been weight loss surgery. I feel like that’s me giving up. But at the same time, I also think, it might benefit me. I will have a higher chance of not being diabetic, have high blood pressure && I may, just may get my heart function back.

My check up this month with my primary – she said I had a little fluid build up again. Nothing scary. She didn’t hospitalize me. She said my numbers are better. I take a water pill – I’m allotted two of them a day – I have only been taking one. This last few days I have been taking two. I can’t have the build up – a heart attack is not in my plans.

Up & Down.

I gained 8 pounds.

I get that it’s holiday season && everyone usually gains weight. But I didn’t really have the room to gain the weight. I also get that it’s not a lot of weight && weight goes up & down. But I’m sticking with the I don’t have the room to gain weight.

Last night before dinner my blood sugar was 515.

I cried.

I cried for three reasons:

Because my blood sugar was 515.
Because I was scared.
Because I really wanted what I had made. (Nachos)

I told Boyfriend I needed to get back to walking && exercising. MOving around & such. Last couple of months we have been eating horribly, stopped walking, etc. Today I we went grocery shopping && then afterwards, before I didn’t have the stamina anymore, we went for a walk. Almost 2 miles worth. Took approximately 50 minutes. But I did tell him while walking that this time last year I couldn’t walk two circles at the park without having to stop && sit down for a few minutes before finishing. Today I went six circles (the park is small) without having to sit down. Did I start hurting? Yes, of course, but I’ll take pain over having to stop before I walked for 30+ minutes.

The 8 pounds isn’t a horrible thing. It’s just ruining my small goals I have made for myself. I can’t hit them if I’m going in the wrong direction. A few changing && it’ll be better but first I have to start shopping better. Tonight I’m making stuffed mushrooms, mixed veggies. I won’t talk about the meat I chose – normally I eat chicken. Tonight I’m choosing not to. But as I told Boyfriend while walking – I have to walk out some calories so I can eat my meat.

The rut I have been in for a while is slowing ending. Whether it’s the exercising rut or the writing rut. I have been able to edit some more on my story. The last two weeks I have finished four chapters, which usually takes me four months.

So my two goals for the next couple of months:

Finish Editing Frost so I can finally find someone that can edit it again for me && tell me if it’s crap or not.
Finishing losing weight && attempt to not be so much of a horrible diabetic that maybe when I eat Chinese food it won’t go into the 300’s. (The 515 last night was because of what I chose to eat for lunch, I knew it was bad, but I did it. Now I know not to do it again.)
OH! & attempt to write more in this. I always say, every year, that I’m going to write more but I never do. I purchased a book off of Amazon the other day, “One Line a Day for Five Years” – maybe that’ll help. I have thought about finding one of those sites people use && put a couple of the chapters up of my story, but then I’m scared. So there’s that.

So with that, I’m going to wander back over to my chair && probably play a card game on my phone while I wait to make dinner. My stomach is growling.

Today – I’m sad.

When I was fifteen, I lost my mother.

When I was twenty-four, I lost my father.

I’m now thirty-four && I still have a void inside of I can’t fill. I still ache to the core && it’s really bad around the holidays. I try not to dwell too myself on how I feel && keep it more bottled up than anything.

However, today I’m sad.

I’m sad because lately I have been extra grumpy while trying to get everyone around me in the holiday spirit.

I’m sad, because I can’t let myself be fully happy because then I feel guilty.

I’m said, because I feel…

I have a million things going on inside of me all the time, I can’t seem to collect myself enough to move on. I was told that time heals all wounds, which is true, I guess, but what happens when the wound is on the soul? The heart? When I found out about my heart issue my first thought was “well, I’ve been through so much pain, it’s probably sad.” Who thinks like that?

I bottled up my emotions for so long, pretending to be happier than I am, sometimes I think I forgot how to just be sad. Because when I start going I get irritated because I shouldn’t still be sad? It’s been nearly 20 years. Shouldn’t I be used to this? Shouldn’t I be okay with seeing people with their parents? Shouldn’t I be okay?

Shouldn’t I be okay?

Traditions.

Lately my mind as been extremely negative.

So much that The Boyfriend has been asking me why I’m so negative && I’m not one hundred percent sure why. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t noticed that I’m a little on the extra side right now. I’m trying so hard but at the same time my spirit is just gone.

I wanted to try && cheer myself up by writing about holiday traditions. If I have written about this in the past, I apologize, hopefully I don’t look like a complete idiot && say something that I didn’t the first time, but I don’t think I have, so there’s that.

First, I would like to admit that I don’t remember many of my Christmases. My memory doesn’t work like most, and I have said it before that some things I remember either didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I remember it. The last Christmas I remember I was around eleven, maybe ten, I’m not sure. But I remember it was the last Christmas I spent with my grandmother.

Other than that, the only things I really remember is that I did celebrate Christmas growing up with my parents, I just don’t remember them. But I do remember the last few I have had. Like the first one with the Boyfriend. Although, that one isn’t as great of a memory as I wish. I had that planned out && knew it was going to be great! But with unforeseen circumstances, that Christmas was a bust because Boyfriend wasn’t at home on Christmas Day. He had to go do something that didn’t involve me, so I stayed at home – like I did for the next couple of Christmases when he had to go do something else. (I feel salty, but I’m not.)

I got over that.

The last few Christmases he has been home with me, so it’s made up for it.

Now, on to traditions. My mom loved Christmas – it was her favorite time of the year. She loved the tree (which she always wanted a solid white fake tree but was never able to get it. After she passed && I got older I began buying solid white fake trees for her, I felt as if it made her closer to me. I eventually stopped, mostly this year, I have a flocked tree, I believe that is what it’s called.) She loved the cooler weather, even if it doesn’t really get cold, she loved the lights, and the music && the food. Oh, she loved to cook for the family (even if I don’t remember it.)

A lot of her traditions I tried to keep going back as the years go on, I realize that I will never be up to par to my mom, but I’m pretty sure a lot of people say that. I remember that she would put the tree up Thanksgiving evening, && begin to buy presents. She would hide the gifts in her closet (which happened to be in my bedroom) && my brother && I would try to guess what was in the boxes – just like normal children. Sometimes, we would attempt to open the present && fix it before she noticed, but I don’t remember if we ever actually got into them or not.

Christmas Eve she’d have us go to bed super early && then would pull out the Santa Gifts, which were never wrapped, and put them out underneath the tree && fill our stockings with a bunch of great things. I can remember one year in my stocking was a ring, a tiny purple butterfly, I loved that ring, but I lost it. Sadly. That ring meant so much to me because I logically knew my mother picked it out. && anything my mother picked out, I loved. But that ring was something special for me.

Then Christmas Morning, my brother would always wake up first. He’d tiptoe into my bedroom && wake me up && we’d sneak into the living room && just sit in front of the tree until our mom && dad woke up. I know my mom enjoyed making a Christmas breakfast, but I don’t know if it was the day of or the day before.

My brother always says that our mom let us open on gift on Christmas Eve, but I don’t remember that. But I think that was him just trying to get me to let him open a gift.

After my mom passed away, I tried everything I could do keep the spirit for Christmas in the house, but I couldn’t, so I eventually just stopped trying. I know we always had a small tree, but it never felt right so that eventually just faded.

When my brother started dating older woman who had children, I attempted to make it feel festive for the kids. I hope I always did a good job, but for me, there’s always been something missing. When I lived alone, I bought a four-foot tree and decorated it && put up a stocking for myself. But I still felt like something was missing.

I am 34 now – I have no children – it’s just Boyfriend && Myself. When him && I first got together he said he came with children. That part perked me up thinking about all the holidays that I could make fantastic for them. I really thought it would help me find my groove && create my own traditions that they’d talk about even after I’m gone. Or tell stories to their friends or family about the nice things I did.

I still don’t have any traditions. I buy gifts for a few people. I put up a tree. I try to decorate outside (we got half the porch done this year.) I used to make a big dinner for Christmas, but I don’t have the spirit for that anymore either. I’m trying so hard – to the point that I wanted to leave for a vacation to a town that is known for Christmas so maybe I could find it.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year, but lately, I feel as if I am doing it all wrong && just making everyone’s life around me miserable. I feel like sometimes I force Boyfriend to buy me gifts && I force others around me to enjoy the holiday season because I feel like I should be – but I’m not.

This year has been extremely hard && I was hoping by November && into December that maybe my spirits would be up. But just a few moments ago I was thinking that I probably need to make a will – yes, a will. Just in case I die && there won’t be any issues when it comes to my stuff. Not that I have much. But what I do have I would want to go to specific people. Which this all makes me even sadder && more negative. Because I don’t want to think about death at 34, but it’s a realization I must come to terms with, because I have already tried to die once this year. Then all this talk takes my brain into a whole different topic.

I have been watching a lot of Christmas movies this year. Every year I buy Hallmark Movies Now && try to watch them. Last couple of years I didn’t really, but this year I have watched so many. Boyfriend && I sleep differently (he works nights && I work mornings) so when he is asleep, I’ll watch Christmas/Romantic movies. When I’m asleep he plays video games, lately it’s basically been Diablo 2.

I wanted to start a tradition where for Christmas Dinner Boyfriend && I go have Chinese (my favorite food), then go home && open gifts. Or even just go get the food, take it open, eat && open gifts while a corny Christmas movie plays in the background, like The Santa Claus. We did that last year on December 24th. We went to the next town over && dined in, eating Chinese before going home && opening gifts. it worked out well last year.

This year I have no idea what’s happening.

The Scariest Day of my Life!

I do not like being diabetic.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single person on the planet who is diabetic who will say “Oh, I love being diabetic! It’s the best thing about me.” But to understand this post, I feel as if I need to begin with the obvious.

I’d also like to begin with when it comes to being diabetic, I’m not sure I have any idea what I am doing. This even comes from someone who has been around people with diabetes all her life. Something that I watch kill and destroy lives. Something that once you achieve getting, it’s pretty much harder than getting into Heaven after going on a murder spree to get rid of. Although, I’m still optimistic that one day, sooner than later I’m hoping, I’ll be able to achieve that. (Not the murder spree then getting into heaven.)

Everyone knows by now that I have had issues keeping my numbers under 250. Lately, however, in the last couple months, I have been doing a dang good job at it. I finally got it where I have been 150 or lower all the time. Which compared to my old numbers, that’s good. By dinner my numbers were hovering around 100 to 125. (The morning, to be honest, was usually nearly 200 && no one can tell me why they are so high in the morning when I wake up, but whatever. By 11 AM, it’s usually around 150 or lower.

Monday – November 1st, shot that all to hades in a hand basket.

I began my Monday like any other day. But my Dexcom said the sensor was expiring in less than six hours. Okay, that’s fine. It does that. Every 10 days. && for anyone who doesn’t know what a Dexcom is. It’s a little machine that tells me my blood sugar throughout the day. I don’t have to prick my finger when I’m wearing it and it takes my sugars every five minutes. My endocrinologist wanted me to have one so I can see what makes my blood sugar rise versus what doesn’t. Basically, everything I eat, including water, makes my blood sugar rise, quickly. However, some of the foods make it worse. Like anything to do with flour.

Anyway… When the sensor expired we put in another one. After two hours the sensor warmed up and was ready to go. && it beeped. Okay, that’s fine, it does that when it’s below 100. That way I know to keep my eye on it. It read 90 – which I found weird, because for dinner I had rice. So I put it to the side && waited. I thought maybe the rice didn’t kick in yet. Because sometimes, okay, not sometimes, all the time, it takes my body nearly two to three hours AFTER eating to show the rise. Which isn’t what I have read or even been told. So the whole “check your sugars after two hours they should be decent” don’t apply to me. It takes nearly two to three && sometimes four hours for my blood sugar to lift. Two hours after I eat, it’s perfectly fine, then BAM! It starts it’s climb. (This is probably something I should probably talk to my doctor about. If I remember, I will do that.)

As I ignore this beeping I am laying in bed. Trying to go to sleep because I”m tired && that’s what you do when you’re tired. After a few dozes here && there it beeps again. I grab the little machine && now it says 54. I’m confused. But I think, maybe, before dinner I took too much insulin. It’s possible since I wasn’t able to actually check my sugar level. You’re now thinking, what? When my Dexcom sensor expired I figured I would just use my finger poker (that’s what I call it) and check my sugars the old fashioned way. I pulled it out to discover that it was dead too. Everything needs batteries! So I just went off what it last said which was around 150 – I figured it couldn’t be much lower than that. So I took insulin that worked with 150. I’m now thinking that I took too much && I need to get some sugar in me. Which is fine, I had some ice cream in my bedroom freezer so I ate one. Sugar, for me, is the quickest way to raise my sugar levels. Even just a couple gulps of Dr. Pepper does it. I knew this would work.

I eat the ice cream && wait. Fifteen – twenty minutes – my Dexcom goes off again, this time it reads that my sugar level is so low that it just says LOW. I’m start panicking. Now I’m too the point of giving myself panic attacks, which in turn makes me lightheaded. Now, I have no idea if my lightheadedness is from my panic attacks or from low blood sugar.

I’m scared.

We have a bag of single packets of chips – I eat two. Still nothing. I eat a oatmeal crème pie, which, by the way, I do not like them, at all. But I eat it because I know it’s full of sugar. My Decom is still reading low – I’m freaking out. I guzzle some sweet tea (I’m from the South so when I say sweet tea, I’m talking sweat tea) that I made Boyfriend and guzzle milk. NOTHING!

My sugar is still low. How can this be happening? At least point I’m scared to death. I start getting dressed && Boyfriend asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m getting dressed. He knew exactly what it meant. I want to go to the E.R. Because something isn’t right && I need help. So I grab shoes, my pill bag (it is a little ADIDAS bag that holds my pills, my glucose book, my doctors names, etc.), my phone && Decom – he grabs keys, his shoes and out the house we go. He needed cigarettes so I think, maybe what I have isn’t enough sugar. (Yes, it sounded as dumb to me as it does to you right now.) So I tell him let’s stop at the store first, this was, by the way, at 3:30 in the morning. Grab you some cigarettes, and a bottle of orange juice. I tell him we will get that, I will sit in the parking lot && drink the orange juice, wait 15 minutes &&& then we’ll go to the E.R. if it doesn’t help.

So by 4:00 in the morning, it’s still below 40.

Boyfriend wanted to try one more thing. He wanted to try my finger poker, but I explain to him it’s dead && he said let me try && fix it. We head home and he gets it working – thankfully, I guess. He takes my sugar && after looking at the machine he says, “You aren’t going to like this.” My heart sinks, crap! That’s all I was thinking. Even it was reading low, what am I going to do if this didn’t work. What will the E.R. be able to do? He turns the machine around me && I look at the reading.

I HAVE NEVER, IN MY LIFE, BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE MY BLOOD SUGAR READ 367!

Because that means what I consumed did work. That means that my blood sugar was never low. That means – my Dexcom is broken. Yippee right? We figured out the problem.

Here is the new problem. For the last two days it was been in the high 200’s, because my body is still trying to process all of that sugar. Which, if you recall, I don’t eat like that on a normal basis. I never have. My stomach was so upset that day, I think it was freaking out. I’m drinking water attempting to flush it out, but sadly, nothing in my body works properly so I feel like I am fighting a battle that is going to take weeks to fix.

Man I’m so angry! I wish I knew ahead of time that the Dexcom could break && do that. Even Tuesday, when I woke up, I was still feeling the effects of the lightheadedness (as we all know now was from my panic attacks), and the food I ate. I was miserable. But today, Wednesday, I’m still miserable because I feel like that when my sugars are high. It makes me tired, and sluggish. So – upside, I’m glad I’m off of work for the next two days – hopefully by Saturday I’ll get this crap back under control and feel better. I won’t bet on it, but I can still hope.

You know, when I was hospitalized this year was a scary moment in my life. But Monday night – was scarier than that. Because at least I knew in the hospital I had people that knew what they were doing that were helping me. I felt… clueless, helpless… I felt so many things on Monday that I can’t think of all of the words to express it. It was probably the scariest day of my life. && I don’t want to feel like that again.

I’m mad at the Dexcom. I went && purchased a new batter for my finger poker && took the Decom out. Turned it off. I’m just going to poke my finger for a little while until I feel ready to put it back in. I think it was the transmitter, which I have replaced, but… I’m not ready for that again.

Upside! Good news for the bad news! I am 4 pounds away from being able to say I lost 100 pounds since January. Now if only I can get that four freaking pounds off!

Untitled.

When I was released from the hospital earlier this year I was told to weigh myself everyday. For the first few months I did. Every morning. Ass soon as I woke up, used the bathroom, I went straight to my scale and weighed myself. I did it for so long that I eventually starting getting irritated and upset everyday because I wasn’t seeing any change.

So I stopped that.

I understand why they want me to watch my weight. I do. Completely. But at the same time, my mental status is something I have to keep up with. That’s a huge thing nowadays. Everyone talks about how crazy and incoherent they are, so I should keep mine up to par too.

Yes, I know I’ve discussed weighing myself before. But I decided that I would weigh myself only on Monday’s. Tuesday if I forgot. I weighed myself today and I gained 0.4 pounds in a week. Now you’re thinking, that’s not terrible. Which it’s not, I agree, but at the same time it drives me a little crazy because I want to keep losing.

&& sometimes, I don’t.

I know for a fact if I would start walking – yes, still in that rut – that I would drop it. I have seen it happened. Year after year. I always do that to myself. I’ll start losing weight && feel so great then something happens. Which I’ve told y’all about before too. Right now, I have nothing to stop me except the fact that I just don’t have oomph. I think about it daily and I tell myself, “I need to go for a walk today.” (I even said it to myself today.) I just… never do. Then I complain because my weight loss is stalled.

It’s quite ineffective if you ask me.

&& until I do it, I’ll never continue doing it.

My job has this thing every year that is called an IDP, which more jobs have it that I didn’t realize. One of the parts is wellness && we can do a walking calendar and I feel like I’m behind. Our 2022 IDP’s started on 10-1 && I have not walked a single day. I’m wasting my walking days.

&&& I still haven’t used my jump rope. It’s still just sitting in my side drawer staring at me when I open it. It screams, “COME ON BARB, LET’S JUMP ROPE!” Where as my body says, “You don’t want to do that, you want to go back to bed.”

I don’t do either, usually just end up in my chair, which I call a fat chair. It’s one of those larger recliners && I made jokes that I can grow to fit in it. Boyfriend didn’t find it quite as funny as I did.

Upside, I’m 8 pounds away from my first goal. Remember me saying I wanted to weigh what my driver license says. I’m 8 pounds away && 8 pounds from being able to say I have lost 100 pounds since January. So there’s that…

Just tired.

I’m always so tired but at the same time I have trouble sleeping.

I don’t know if it is just a part of everything that is wrong with me or I’m lacking something that most people have that I just don’t seem to. Last night I laid down around 9 o’clock because I was tired. I laid in bed, staring at the wall until around midnight. When I finally dozed off. This morning I woke up around 8 – by 11, I was asleep in my chair. I feel like I’m in my 90’s sometimes having to nap throughout the day or I can’t make it.

It’s frustrating.

I shouldn’t be as tired as I am all the time. I even have trouble staying awake at work WHILE WORKING. I find myself sometimes moving to the other side of the room so I can talk to people to keep myself awake && it’s worse on Sunday mornings.

It’s almost 9:30 PM right now && I’m so tired. But I know I will go to bed && never go to sleep. That’s more frustrating than just being tired all the time. I get mad at the Boyfriend sometimes. We’ll go to bed and he’ll lay down, once his head hits the pillow he’s out. Snoring. Me? Naw, I’m just laying there staring at him fuming because I can’t sleep.

The days I work I drink Zzzquil to go to sleep && it doesn’t always work. I try to be in bed by seven the nights I work because I have to wake up at 4 AM (which, by the way, I don’t like), but there are times I’m still awake at 10:30 PM just laying there. No yawning, nothing. Just laying in the dark.

The tiredness in turn makes living life really complicated. I’m always telling myself things I need to accomplish throughout the day, but I’m just so tired I don’t want to. Today has been the coolest, weather wise, in a few months && I wanted to start walking again. I have the want to do it. I don’t have the oomph to do it. I try but when it comes to actually doing it my body is just so tired I don’t even want to put on shoes. Lately, it takes me a lot to just go to the store. The thought of having to wake up Thursday at four in the morning to go to work is driving me crazy. && it’s only Tuesday night.

I love to cook && my tiredness makes that a very hard chore to do. I wanted to clean the bedroom but instead of actually helping, I sat on the bed && watched the Boyfriend clean it. I have heard that heart disease will make you tired, but should it make me THIS tired? Especially if my function is getting better? At the same time, I have read that kidney disease will make you tired. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to being tired.

I have already given up on the keto lifestyle. Why you ask? Because nothing I read before I started that type of eating told me that I wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom. && after two weeks of nothing happening, pain, and crying on the toilet – I stopped. Now you’re saying “you can take supplements”. If I could afford that kind of lifestyle I would. I will just have to do it on my own way. Although, after stopping the keto style, I have still dropped weight. Downside, my blood sugar is in the 200’s again. Yeah, not eating a lot of carbs my blood sugar was staying below 200 – in fact, it was staying around 130 to 150, which is really good for someone who is usually in the 300’s. My Dexcom beeped this morning. I went above 300. I figured after dinner it would have beeped again, but so far it hasn’t, but the night isn’t over yet.

Concentration is hard.

I want to write.

Writing is all I think about. I think about writing more than I think about food && when you’re a foodaholic, that’s a lot. But when I sit down to write nothing seems to come out. Nothing seems to make sense && nothing seems to work our properly.

I cannot seem to concentrate when it comes to writing, or editing. My mind start wandering && I begin thinking about something else. Lately, I’ve been thinking about playing Fallout 4 – again. (Side note: I’ve already beat it once, but I have been working on beating it again where I side with a different side of the game. Last time I sided with the Institute && had to murder the Brotherhood. Now, I want to side with the Brotherhood.) Or I start thinking that maybe I just need to read more. Maybe that’s what is clogging up my brain, but at the same time, I can’t concentrate to read either.

I recently bought every book written by Harry Dolan (I really enjoyed his first book). I have them all sitting beside my bed just waiting. I began reading his second book but I cannot seem to concentrate long enough to read through it. When I start reading I begin thinking, maybe I should be writing && not reading. Then I pull out my book && start editing just in time for my brain to start thinking about Fallout 4.

It’s just a big old circle I would love to get out of.

Oh! Let’s not forget. When I’m sitting around doing nothing, writing, reading, or playing video games, my brain is screaming at me that I probably should be exercising. Speaking of, I told Boyfriend on Monday that I wanted to go for a walk. My right foot has been hurting ever since. But what makes it weird, I never went for my walk because just talking about it my foot started hurting && now I can barely walk on it without it hurting. Can someone tell my body to stop so I don’t die at 45?

So here I sit in front of the computer typing words into a white square so I can say I at least write something. I woke up the other day after having a very vivid dream. I went straight to the computer, sat down && pulled up a blog to write. I had decided that I would write something new, once a week, that would be a story that could be read like a television series. Something new every week. It’s still saved in my drafts. I never wrote it – which is the story of my life.

I have some great ideas when it comes to writing && then I just…. can’t. Maybe it’s I don’t. I have figured out that I sabotage myself. Maybe I do that with writing too? All I know for sure, 100% – if I don’t finish something I will never be published. Whether it’s self-published or published through a company, it’ll never happen if I don’t do something now. I feel like I’m running out of time.

Although, that’s not true. Some of the writers I read don’t get published until they are in their 40’s or older. There’s never a stopping point. You’re never too old to do something different. I read a story once about a romance writer (mommy porn) that didn’t write her first book until she was in her 80’s. But then I hear stories about writers who write && publish their first book at 14. I think it just depends on the person && how much time they dedicate to writing.

November will be 9 years of writing/editing this book. I have been writing this book way too long.

I didn’t start one back when I was 19. Then my computer crashed && I lost everything. EVERY. THING. I swore then I’d never write another. But in 2012 (25 years old) I was overcome with the inspiration && just started writing. Like I can remember the whole time line. 2015, January, I finished the rough draft. I can remember because I was at work && I wanted to scream. But I calmly told my supervisor && co-workers which they told me to scream. So I squealed. Three years of writing, finally done. Now, I had to edit. It’s not 2021 && I am still editing that stupid book.

I know I talk about this a lot. As much as I talk about it you’d like I would just finish it. How hard is that for me to understand && grasp?

JUST. FINISH. THE. BOOK.

Sabotage.

I sabotage myself.

I’ve had many years to think about why I do this to myself. Normally, I would say I don’t – I mean, why would someone purposely sabotage themselves? What would be the point? But as I’ve gotten older, && have had more time to think about it I have realized that I do. && the reason behind it is ridiculous.

I think I’m too old to be thin.

I told you it was stupid. A part of my brain believes that I am too old to lose weight because everyone says that when people get older their supposed to gain weight. So I have had years of believing that thin only applies to young people. That part of me feels that I have missed out on the thin part of life && since I’ve been overweight for so long that what’s the point?

But I am trying to have a different mindset. I’m trying to make that part of my brain realize that it’s not about being thin, or hot, or sexy. It’s about being alive. I know that if I keep going the direction I’m going, even with all of the good news this last doctor round, that I’m not going to live to see the end of my 40’s. && to be honest, I don’t want to die in my 40’s or 50’s. I want to be able to grow old && be the cranky lady with blue hair. I want to personally pay off my house. I want to know that my brother won’t have to bury me way too soon && live the rest of his life without any family around him. (We basically only have each other. && before my cousins/aunts/uncles get angry, I know we have y’all. I meant – like… here-here. I know if I need you all I have to do is call you. Same way with me with ya’ll.)

But I keep watching people older than me get the stomach surgery because they want to live the rest of their life healthier and happier. That’s what I want. I just want to know that I don’t need to be scared everyday and hate myself for eating something. Plus, I would really LOVE to get off of most of this medication. Will losing weight get me off all of it? Probably not – but most of it. I don’t think I would have high blood pressure or diabetes anymore. Because they are here because of my weight && my body getting tired. So I just need to give my body a boost and losing weight is the way to do that.

So I need to get my brain to stop thinking otherwise.

The Rut Must Go!

I went for a walk today.

It’s nothing huge && not a big accomplishment, but I did. I walked outside earlier && there was a nice little breeze, it wasn’t excruciatingly hot today, so I put on my walking shoes && out the door I went. Boyfriend && I walked up to the park here in town and walked around it. We have this whole thing down. We will walk from the house to the park, walk around it a few times, and then wonder over to the small store next to it and get something to drink, then walk back to the park – go around a few more times && then walk home.

At least that is what we began doing a few months ago – before the toe incident.

Him && I just walked && talked. We talk a lot to each other && so it’s not anything new. But today we talked about things we would do if we were rich. I have always believed that I would be a fantastic rich person. Mostly because I’m full of love && I want to help so many people. (This is why people that know me well call me Canadian. I’m not, I was born in Texas.) So him && I talked about things we would want to do in this town that would benefit everyone including ourselves. Yes, I know people are always talking about wanting to help people if they had the money to do it, but I’m honestly not just saying it. Give me millions && see what I would do to help people. Yes, I would do some things for myself. Everyone does. I would make selfish decisions, but I can’t live uncomfortably if I’m trying to help others. && I’m not talking about building myself a huge mansion or buy a Lamborghini. I’m talking about smaller things for myself. I don’t really need anything. ((Other than a new house because bitches be lying about this house && it’s a piece of crap!!! I’m still salty. Have I wrote about this journey? I may at a later date.)

The walk was nice though. It began getting a little warmer the longer we walked, but according to my walking app we walked 1.38 miles in 44 minutes. I always like it when I go to doctors && we talk about exercising. They look at me && my size && always tell me “just start off slow, walk five minutes && work up from there.” I’m always thinking about myself, I can walk longer than that. That’s one thing I never want to lose the ability to do – walking at least a mile && still be able to move. Maybe when I’m older it can fade, but since I’m only in my 30’s, I would like to be able to walk a mile && not want to die. Even if I don’t walk for years && then start back up, I want that ability. && so far, I’ve kept it.

Although, there was a time I could walk a mile in 30 minutes. But I’m at turtle speed now.

I’m still trying for the keto-ish dieting idea plan strategy. Am I doing 100% great? No, of course not. I did make zucchini noodles the other day with some chicken. Boyfriend && I were nervous, so I only made two zucchini’s that night – I boiled it for one minute. It was turned out pretty good. Will I do it again? Probably, but with more zucchini. Next on my list is to use cauliflower instead of rice. Maybe make a fried “rice” style or something. I may do that tonight, I don’t know yet.

No matter – I’m here trying.